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My response to LemonFresh's Username Challenge, wherein one must write a fic around their FAP username. In case you missed it, my username is Hooligan.

When Hermione first married Ron after the war, she hadn't expected their relationship to wither and die. But it did. And so, in desperate want of some spice, Hermione signed her and Ron up for Tango Dancing lessons. The results were not what she expected.

An evil more dangerous than Lord Voldemort has risen to power and only Harry Potter can save Hogwarts from it.

The weirdest fic you've ever read. Written by alternating words between insane authors. Includes a burned-down school, a squashed rat, and Brad Pitt.

A troll has Flitwick's wand and Professor Binns offered to help get it back. But what happens if Binns fall asleep? Will Flitwick become the first wizard pie?

Hermione gets a book for christmas from Harry and a truly wonderful gift from Ron. But when she finds out what the book contains she can't believe it.

A meant-to-be-humorous spoof, basically. Contains hints of R/Hr.

A world of Weasleys to choose from and all of them diverse.``Why choose just one when I could have the lot and say it all in verse.

James Potter struggles to learn that marriage means compromise. When you don't, there are consequences.

It was a normal day in Hogsmeade. The students were walking peacefully, the birds were singing, some Gryffindors were getting drunk, and the Slytherins were up to no good. What can possibly go wrong?!

Harry just seems to have this horrible problem with getting into other people's pensieves, doesn't he? At least this time, he didn't really have a choice. Inside Prof. Snape's pensieve, he finds that Snape once found true love. The only problem: the girl he loved was a self-serving idiot. How does Snape get out of this situation? It's not the most wonderful way.

Gary Splotter returns to Hogwarts and yet again messes up something with his stupidity.

SPLAT! Dungbombs were meant to be thrown off buildings, right? Fred and George certainly think so. Hermione disagrees, and Ron just seems to find it all rather funny.

Harry saves Ginny from a dangerous and life-threatening Herbology detention.... All right, maybe not so dangerous and life-threatening as... vaguely scary and somewhat unsafe. But still. Almost-nearly-certain peril. At least.

What is a chicken doing near the subtle science and exact art that is potion making? Why is Luna sitting at the Gryffindor table--why does she wish to be a farm animal? For what possible reason am I running for my life?``Sadly, the world may never know.

Hogwarts' Defense professor is out and Dumbledore needs a stand-in for a few days. The only problem is that the one person willing to do it is Sirius Black.

This story is about Harry at Hogwarts and his experiences at Hogwarts in his seventh year. You may be disturbed in some parts. You have been warned. Written pre-OotP.

My response to the '22 things to do in a plot bunny' challenge set by Silvercrackle. Beware the lemon meringue pie!

Hermione takes Ron on a small caving trip, when something happens to Ron. Will Hermione figure out what it is and how to correct it?

"Voldy had a plan, a very GOOD plan, make all the boy plans. . . wait. . . " What you are about to read is how our favourite headmaster REALLY died. . . and the really odd, disturbing story Jo didn't want you to know.

Severus Snape, Death Eaters, and seven small children. Who will survive until the end of the day?

Find out what happens when you mix one dark-haired Slytherin poet, a reluctant James Potter and a bored Sirius Black left too long to his own devices.

Definitely an AU story, and a one-shot.``What do you get when you throw Tony the Tiger™, Scooby-doo and the Gang, and Smeagol into a room with The-Boy-Who-Lived? Why, you get The Audition, of course! Read to find out what zany things can happen to our favorite hero, at an audition you will never forget!

Harry Potter turns seventeen, and to his big surprise, the Dursleys actually remembered! And there's more: they are celebrating it too! But there's something Harry doesn't know; there's a plot, inside his birthday cake.... Will Harry survive his seventeenth birthday?

It's 1976. Sirius Black has fallen in love with the perfect girl. She has an odd attachment to scarves—and she's got a really long name. A Mary-Sue parody fic. Gag-bags ahoy!

It's time for careers advice, this very important event in the life of every 5th year student, and with Sirius Black it is going to be anything but ordinary. The day will be a long one for Professor McGonagall.

Sirius Black comes back to his flat to look for a forgotten object and witnesses the most traumatic event in his life: Lily Evans' bridal shower! Oh, did I mention that he witnesses it from inside the wardrobe?

Hogwarts is in for a great surprise....

What was Ron Weasley thinking during and after the chess match in SS?

A whirlwind tour through America for Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. What happens when all four become famous...in the Muggle world?

The story of the first Harry Potter book/movie, written in rhyme.

On either side the great lake lie``Long lawn of grass so green and bright,``That clothe the soil and meet the sky;``And thro’ the lawn the drive runs by``To many-tower’d Hogwarts;``And up and down the students go,``Gazing where the waters flow``Round an island there below,``The island of Shalorts.

Ginny hasn't forgotten the circus her father once took her to, and when things with Draco fall apart, she decides to join.

Ron had never heard of a condom before, and Hermione swore up and down he needed at least one if wanted to get laid. And Ron definitely wanted that. Harry helps him out a bit.

Harry and the Dursleys are on vacation in New York City when Harry meets the girl of his dreams. When he tries to talk to her, he is ridiculed. Unfortunately, Dudley sees him, resulting in a fight and more *sigh* maid duties for Harry.

Professor Snape is Hogwarts' (somewhat unwilling!) Agony Aunt. Sympathy is not his strong point...

It's the Halloween Boogie, a dance only seventh-years are allowed to attend. So what happens when you throw the Marauders in there?

Harry is going off to save the world, as per norm. Only this time... he might not come back. So his friends take it upon themselves to write him letters of good luck, etc. Oh, dear. He really doesn't have very eloquent friends, does he?

Harry/Hermione, but where does Draco come in... and who does Hermione love when she tells Dumbledore that "he" is dead? Voldemort striking his final blow, destroying the unlikely friendship...

A crazy story about a muggleborn and her obsession with Sirius. Sirius-ness ahead!

With a few drinks, some yodle-ing, the Hogwarts faculty and some chocolate cake, what can possibly go wrong?

Christmas is a time for family, so Harry spends it with his. Both of them... UK English.

Warning: AU. Professors Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall take a vacation to the beautiful island of Hawaii at the expense of an unwitting Ministry of Magic. Features a drunk, a pansy, and a mediator. Chaos ensues!

Cornelius Fudge--Minister of Magic, great wizard--and lover of jello. Until, that is, Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy turn his love for this delicious Muggle dessert into a trip to the Ministry he'll never forget.

Written for V.M. Bell's Song Title challenge. Ron recounts the time Malfoy called him a monkey in his fifth year and the repercussions it caused for Malfoy.

A series of challenges.... Colin Creevey records the events of oddities occuring around the castle at Hogwarts.

After settling into her new life, Hermione is surprised by fugitive Draco Malfoy.

Pigwidgeon was never a smart owl. But he was adamant about working for the Wizarding Post nonetheless.

"It’s a tractor," Harry said matter of factly as they drew closer. "If this is the idea then why don’t we just chew some corn and run after Voldemort saying 'Oh-arrr.'" In which Harry, Ron and Dumbledore are thrown into a field. Randomness ensues.

After defeating Voldemort, Harry becomes a professor at Oxford, but what could possibly happen for him to stop teaching?

Post-HBP AU. Dumbledore is dead. Draco thinks that things can't get any worse. He's wrong.

Will Harry heed Winky's cryptic warning? Will his journey from Platform 8 and 13/16 be a safe one? What alcohol-powered device has Ginny shoplifted from the Azkaban Gift Shop? Does Draco Malfoy really have the post owl's eyes? Will an epic battle with the lunch trolley witch end in triumph? Is The Sorting Hat's new live album scorching Billboard magazine's charts? Which political party does the Giant Squid favor? Has Hedwig chosen a lifestyle of wanton sexual abandon? Have Harry's summer drug sales been lucrative? I answer these burning questions and so many more inside!

Cedric Diggory made a bet. A very stupid bet. And now, in order to save himself the humiliation of arriving at the End-of-Year feast naked, he’s got two months to seduce the girl known as the Ice Serpent. But Lexxie Wyse isn’t willing to come along quietly, and even the charming Mr. Diggory will be lucky to walk away from this one intact. Sabotaged Herbology projects, girl fights, a jealous Cho Chang, one exceptionally lewd Hufflepuff Chaser, and snark abound.

Harry and other Hogwarts students go clubbing! No, really. Featuring dancing, music, drag acts, teeny tiny slash hints, a fair bit of snogging and a bar brawl.

Snape hides out on Craggy Island. Father Ted crossover.

'[Professor Lockhart] read passages from his books to them, and sometimes re-enacted some of the more dramatic parts. He usually picked Harry to help him with these reconstructions; so far, Harry had been forced to play a simple Transyvanian villager whom Lockhart had cured of a Babbling Curse...'

Harry loses an argument. And maybe his masculinity?

In which Luna Lovegood rhapsodizes on storybook lovers, radishes, and Harry Potter.

Have you ever thought what happened that evening we lost Padfoot? Have you ever thought how the Ministry's Phone Booth works?

A serious, sober discussion on the Goblin Revolutions rapidly dissolves into childish name-calling.

The Great Plan has been hatched! Follow the Dark Lord and his comrades through the execution of it! Lots of garden flamingos, braces, and including an exclusive commentary from Fred and George! Draco/Ginny, Draco/Harry(ish).

Has Trelawney made a REAL prediction? Non-OOTP compatible.

This is the story of Neville's grandmother's new hat!

Hogwarts, seventh year. A sequence of vignettes around Ron's inability to ask a girl to the Graduation Ball. Among those helping out is Luna, who, as always, has an unorthodox way of giving a hand. Will Ron get the girl with Luna's help?

Ron and Hermione have nothing else better to do, so what do they do? They have innocent quarrels!

Remus is passive aggressive. Minerva is irate. No smut whatsoever ensues, but some books are shelved.

Severus Snape, gayer than the plant that won the lottery? I'm not sure, but at least he's wearing a skirt... maybe he's just Scottish.

Ron Weasley eats a Chocolate Frog, feels rejuvenated, helps Harry move, becomes a member of "Weird Sisters," writes a song called "I Wanna Be Sinister"; the adoring public misinterprets the lyrics, and then Ron gets made the Minister of Magic. Based on the Snickers commercial. All the Yanks know what I'm talking about.

What's a Dark Lord to do when things don't go your way? Write a letter and complain to the author, of course.

Ron bakes a cake for Kingsley and Tonks, and everyone gets their just desserts. Featuring twin banter and a surprise twist.

It's the GoF movie's turn to be made fun of, with Harry wondering why Moody's a pirate, what exactly Dumbledore's on, and where all these crazy Twilight fans are coming from!

During Harry's and Draco's seventh year at Hogwarts, things have changed. Harry is taking charge, Draco is just a big crybaby, Ron is unhelpfully sarcastic, and Hermione is just plain fed up!

Voldemort had created a potion that would make him immortal... or so he thought. What happens when Voldemort's potion goes wrong?

What ever did the neighbors think when Harry was so infamously rescued by the Ford Anglia? One-shot.

Ron and Hermione are finally over that "will we, won't we" crap. There's just one problem--Ron's crib is naaasty! Harry is ever the hero, saving Ron from his house and himself. Silliness abounds.

Harry Potter is sent to the NCC-1701 Enterprise and faces many bad things.

It is a sleepy afternoon, so what is a Dark Lord to do? Binns to the rescue.

James and Sirius have been working really hard in the classes all day long, and they're so thirsty. It just so happens that James has some "butterbeer" in his bag. Will McGonagall give them a drink break?

Harry and Hermione are staying in the Burrow as usual over the summer. When Hermione arrived, Hermione brought with her a huge trunk. What in the world could be inside this thing? Check out Ron's POV and see what is going on in his head.

Slash, but in a very bizarre way.

Spoofing the Astronomy Tower. Harry falls in love with a beautiful Muggle, and decides to break it off with all others. And there are a lot of others.

Professor Blaise Zabini, the Care if the Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts, comes with his cat Macavity to a quiet inn in Orkneys. But then Macavity is stolen....

Neville acquires a pet ostrich named Nestor. Hilarity ensues. Neville/Lavender ship involved

What happens when a witch (with a capital B) is transported with her friends to Harry Potter's Hogwarts? If you don't already know, then you're about to find out!

Peter Pettigrew has a bad day.

Meet Huff le Puff and Rave'n'claw, two (fairly) normal witches out to protect Canon from invasion. When Hogwarts is invaded by an army more deadly than Voldemort's, they're hired to head off the attack.

One day while Harry's stomach growls, he tries to get food. The only thing to stand in his way are a couple of songs, Star Wars, Weiners, frozen bras, and eggs.

Is this another plot to kill Harry Potter? Appearances from world famous house-elves, Dobby, Winky, and Kreacher! And special guest appearances from Voldemort and Harry's own fairy godfather!

Being raised in a large family, had never really bothered George before; he was usually testing out something truly disgusting on Percy with Fred, before being chased into the garden by Mrs. Weasley, whom he decided looked like a rather large potato when she ran—Fred had agreed that it was alright to think such cruel and horrendous thoughts about One’s Mother if One’s Mother did run like a potato, ergo, One was entitled to imagine as such.

A mysterious man by the name of Lord Voldie has started an advice column, and the students (and staff!) of Hogwarts have opened their hearts and minds to him. Will chaos ensue? Or will they just get terrible advice? And who is the Lemon Drop man?!

Yes...I'm at it again.... It's time for another go-around at Interruptions! It's time to face the truths.... Does Ron really love Hermione... Will Virginia forgive Remus for being a werewolf... Will Sirius ever understand that talking stomachs are not very funny?! (Besides the fact that he's very dense, he has a brain problem.)

Sirius is bored and Snape's getting letters.

Just as Ron is about to tell Hermione how he feels, Voldemort shows up! Not to worry, Harry has a plan, and it is way better than Ron's plan of attacking Voldy with hummus! Will Harry prevail? Will Ron reveal his feelings? Will Hermione wear coloured socks? Find out in this exciting fic!

Crookshanks--half cat, half kneazle--is the most respected beast in the Magical Menagerie, blessed with insight and intelligence that has never been matched by any other creature. So when an Animagus in the form of a beaten-up old rat appears in his beloved stronghold and threatens the peace therein, he has no choice but to attack, even if it means jeopardizing the redheaded little boy who carries said Animagus. He allows himself to be adopted by a young witch who seems to have realized his intelligence and matches it with her own, only to keep an eye on this rat. He feels finally accepted and loved at Hogwarts, but will not let that deter him from his original goal. After all, things are not always what they seem…

Harry goes with his friend Mortie Wimsey and his family to the snail races... with some very unexpected results!

A series I'm doing about how everyone got petrified in Chamber of Secrets.

Is my OC a "Mary Sue"? Damn straight she is. You got a problem with that?``Rated R for vulgar language, ethnic stereotyping and New York attitude.

Find out what happens in the real Harry Potter world, what would happen if Harry had to teach someone to be a wizard, and why Dumbledore really likes cardboard so much! (Okay, that last one is a ``lie.)

Child!Draco. Lucius finds his son in the kitchen with the house-elf. Involves a lot of ice cream.

Harry hears a wonderful disco song on the radio and decides to discofy the school, with the help of Madam Peace Pince. What happens though, when Snape decides to put an end to the disco? Includes disco, funky clothing, cool names, and torture weapons!