Innocent Quarrels with Ron and Hermione

Chapter one: Leprechauns, books, mumblings, and twonks

"You know, you really are pretty."
"Shut it, Ron."

"Why do I have to shut it? Why can't you shut it?"

"Because I'm not the one talking as if my life depended on it."
"I'm not talking as if my life depended on it!"
"You know you are talking as if your life depended on it, Ron, don't even try to deny it."

"I'm not denying anything."
"Are you talking as if your life depended on it?"
"No, of course not."
"Then you are denying it."
"You bitchy little book worms think you know everything."
"Excuse me? At least I'm not a freaky little tall dude!"

"At least I'm not a leprechaun!"
"..."

"..."

"I am not a leprechaun!"
"Oh, then what are you?"

"I'm not a leprechaun, that's for sure!"
"Can't come up with a comeback, can you?"
"..."

"..."

"You bastard."

"Bitch."

"You mother fucking, divination-failing bastard!"

"..."

"..."

"Leprechaun!"
"Again with the leprechaun business?"
"YES WITH THE LEPRECHAUN BUSINESS!"

"..."

"Oh, so now you're not talking to me?
"..."

"Oh, I see how it is, I can be silent too, you know!"
"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Oh, come on, Hermione, talk to me!"

"..."

"Why won't you talk to me?"

"BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A LEPRECHAUN!"
"YOU ARE A LEPRECHAUN!"

"..."

"Oh, I didn't mean it baby, you know I didn't mean it!"
"..."
"Hermione, talk to me!"

"..."
"I promise not to call you a leprechaun!"
"Fine, fine, you're lucky, Ronald Weasley! You are damn lucky!"

"I know, sugar pumpkin.... What?"

"What the hell is a sugar pumpkin?"
"You."
"Well, I'm glad we cleared that up."
"Don't get sarcastic with me!"
"..."

"Oh, come on!"
"What, you yell at me, I'm quiet. You see, you are extra loud, so I must be extra quiet."
"What's that, Philosophy-by-Hermione?"

"Well, as a matter of fact..."

"What's this?"

"A book."
"I see that it's a book, Hermione, what KIND of book is it?"
"Open the front page and find out."
"'Philosophy by Hermione?!"

"Hey, you asked, I didn't blatantly tell you..."
"You wrote a book?"
"Several, actually..."
"How many?"

"Well, it isn't based on how many..."
"Hermione..."
"...But really on the quality of the book..."
"Hermione..."

"So, you see, Ron, that the amount of books I have written doesn't matter, it's how well I wrote them..."
"HERMIONE!"
"Fine, Ron, don't get snippety about it!"
"How many?"
"Mumble mumble."
"Excuse me?"

"Three-hundred and sixty-eight, Ron, are you happy?!"

"..."
"Oh, now is not the time to faint. Ennervate!"

"Oh, hey Hermione, I just had the craziest dream..."
"In which I wrote three-hundred and sixty-eight books, including one on philosophy?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"
"..."

"You mean..."
"Yes,"

"You mean..."

"Yes,"
"You mean..."
"Yes,"

"You mean..."
"WHAT DO I MEAN!?"

"You mean you did write three-hundred and sixty-eight books?"
"YES!"

"..."
"Oh, dammit Ron, don't faint!"
"I wasn't going to!"
"And that's why you like all queasy?"
"..."
"Oh, brilliant Ron, you fainted! Ennervate!"

"Oh, hey Hermione, I just had the craziest dream! You were there!"

"I know, what else is new?"

"You wrote--"
"I'm carrying Malfoy's baby!"
"...and sixty-eight... WHAT?!"
"Erm... I live with donkies?"
"You do?"

"No..."
"Didn't you say something about carrying Malfoy's baby?"
"I was being sarcastic, you idiot!"

"..."
"Can't you come up with something original to do?"
"It depends on what you can call original..."
"Like, saying you were about to go jump off a ramp but then, in reality, go and buy a really pretty pony!"
"A PONY?!"
"Yes, a pony, you thoughtless twonk!"
"..."

"What?"
"What, in the name of a bloody Merlin, is a twonk?"
"You should know!"

"I don't know!"
"Well, then you're an idiot!"
"I'm the idiot? You're the one who called me a twonk!"
"You ARE a twonk!"
"WHAT IS A TWONK!"
"..."
"Well?"

"If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

"You naff, confusing leprechaun, why do you have to be so incredibly difficult?"

"..."

"..."

"..."
"So what, now you aren't speaking to me?"
"You called me a leprechaun you... you... twonk."

"I WOULDN'T CALL YOU A LEPRECHAUN IF YOU TOLD ME WHAT THE HELL A TWONK WAS!"

"And I told you, if you don't know I most certainly will not tell you."

"You naff book worms think you know everything..."
"You'll be surprised to find out that we 'naff book worms usually do."

"Do not!"
"Ahem ahem, we do we do!"
"More philosophy?"
"Actually, that was from my book of 'Great Annoying Sayings that can Sufficiently Annoy the Thoughtless Twonks'."
"Prove it!"
"Here!"
"This thing is like six hundred pages long!"
"No duh!

"Why would you write something that long?"

"Because I either have nothing better to do or I actually WANTED to... maybe that will suffice?"
"Not really."
"Mumble mumble."
"What was that?"
"Nothing, oh nothing..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well then, this is a beautiful situation!"
"What's the situation?"
"We're all alone, obviously."

"No, we're in a crowd of people!"

"...We are?"
"No!"

"No need to yell!"
"Well, when you are in a room occupied by only yourself and a thoughtless, twonking dumbarse, you tend to get a bit angry!"

"No need to yell at me like I'm the cause of it!"
"Here!"
"Another book?!"

"Yes! Read the cover!"
"..."
"Well?"

"'The way to find out if you are the cause of everything that is so blatantly causing the wonderful author of this discomfort'?"

"Well, read it..."
"...'You cause blatant discomfort to the wonderful author of this book if the wonderful author of 'The way to find out if you are the cause of everything that is so blatantly causing the wonderful author of this discomfort' gives you this book'?"

"Yes."'

"So I cause you blatant discomfort?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."

"Positive?"
"Yes."
"Positive positive?"
"Yes."
"Will I one day be ruler of the world?"
"Hell no, are you crazy?"

"Well, it was worth a shot."
"A pointless shot."
"But a shot, all the same."
"Yes, a shot all the same."
"So, you can give me some props?"
"I suppose so..."

"Yay!"
"Ron?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up."