Dear Lord Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I'm a fifteen-year-old wizard, and I attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ever since I was an ickle baby, I've had problems with this evil dark lord. He keeps following me around and trying to kill me. I'm afraid that I may be being stalked! What can I do?

--Stalked in England

Dear Stalked in England,

I'm sorry that you have dark wizard problems. It's so sad when evil people plague a nice young man, and there's nothing he can do about it! But don't judge them too harshly. In fact, I remember this one case where there was this sweet little boy was in the way of a very smart and handsome dark wizard, and then he was...that is...a baby, and...was...followed by him...um...oh, boy. I'm sorry, please ignore all advice that I wrote previously. Instead, you should write this dark lord a nice letter telling him that you surrender and would like to join the dark side. I'm sure he'd be very pleased. He-heh...yeah.

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I'm a Gryffindor at Hogwarts, and my boyfriend is constantly suspicious of me. Whenever I even try to talk to this other boy, who is a Slytherin, my boyfriend gets on my case. I'm not even flirting with the little ferret. He just gets sooooo jealous! It's actually kind of funny, his ears turn bright red and--

Please excuse my girlfriend's awful letter! She doesn't mean it! She loves me! I promise never to get jealous again, just don't let her leave me! And--my ears do not turn bright red!

Yes they do. They match your hair. Now give me my other quill back. Good boy. Well, please help me anyway, Lord Voldie.

--God, My Boyfriend's an Idiot

Dear God My Boyfriend's an Idiot,

I know exactly how boys can be. Especially nasty little Gryffindor boys. Especially, especially when faced with competition from a powerful and sexy Slytherin! Trust me, you're better off with the Slytherin. They're sexier. Really.

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. STOP INFLUENCING MY STUDENTS OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.

--Lemon Drop Man

Dear Lemon Drop Man,

Oh, my. Who on Earth could possibly have written this! I try to help humanity for once by starting an advice column, and you just start beating on me! *Sob* At least they'll be happy before I kill them off.

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

Oh, my, Gosh! I am, like, totally in love with this, like, totally hot boy in my house! And, like, it's like, I like him and all. But he's like, totally going out with this, like, STUPID IDIOT MUDBLOOD SLUT! He dumped me for a Mudblood Gryffindor! Like, can you imagine how, like, humiliating that is?! Like, how I can I get him back?

--Like, Swooning

Dear Like, Swooning,

It sounds like this boy needs a little space. You seem to be overwhelming him with your feelings for him, and he just needs a little break. He'll bounce back and drop the Mudblood slut. I'm sure he just needs a nice Slytherin (do I assume correctly?) girl in the end.

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

Holy shit! My girlfriend left me and it's all your fault! How could you? You've gotta help me get her back! I've been flirting with her for five years straight, and one little letter completely killed our unstable relationship! Waaaaaah! I hate you, Voldie!

--Alone and Unwanted Redhead

Dear Alone and Unwanted Redhead,

I'm sorry that my letter--wait, Redhead? You're a frickin' Weas--and you--she--Hahahahahaha! She left you for a Slytherin! That's rich! Oh, that's just too funny! Hahahahahaha...ha...ha...

Eh, I'm sorry for your loss. But you can't even keep a Mudblood! Hahahahahaha!!!

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I teach at a certain prestigious school and hold the highly important job of Transfigurations teacher. Well, lately the fourth through seventh years have become extremely...obstreperous. They keep asking the most inappropriate questions, about...well...yes, you know. I've talked to the Headmaster about it, but all he says is, "Children will be children, my dear. Now sit down and have a lemon drop." It's driving me mad! Mad, I tell you, Mad!!!

--Disgusted...and MAD!

Dear Disgusted and Mad,

My recommendation is a new class for your school. Sexual Education would teach the kids everything they need to know, and keep them from asking you such disturbing questions for who knows what reasons! All you need is a suitable teacher and the appropriate materials. Like condoms...lots and lots of condoms...

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I'm at my wits end. The headmaster of the school at which I teach has just ordered me to be the Sex Ed. Teacher and then force-fed me a lemon drop! I don't know how to teach sex ed! How the hell do I teach these little brats without sounding like a pedophile?!

--Exasperated Potions Master

Dear Exasperated Potions Master,

Well, if you have any experience at all, you should be able to teach sex ed. I doubt that they really want to know the science behind everything, just teach them contraceptive spells and shove them out of the classroom. And just in case, be sure to bring lots of condoms...lots and lots of condoms.

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I'm a fourth year witch, and my school just started sex ed. with my least potions master for the teacher. I went with my best friend and her evil, slimy git of a ferret boyfriend, and the entire time they kept giggling at each other and blushing. Then, all of a sudden, he swept all our papers off the table and they started making out on top of the desks! Well, the potions master/sex ed teacher came over and handed them a package of condoms!!! Then he saw me staring at him and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want a pack, too?" I must have turned bright red, but I didn't say a word. Then he just gave me a pack anyway.

My family is very poor, so I don't know if, if I was into the kinds of things we're learning about, we could afford any...things. So, I don't know if I should keep the condoms, or what?

I'm sorry my letter was so long. I feel so comfortable writing to you. Weird, huh?

--Poor and Contraceptive-less

Dear Poor and Contraceptive-less,

My dear, you sound very much like a very nice young lady I used to know. She was very shy around this type of thing. However, her family had a lot of money. So, well, I guess you don't sound all that much like her. Anyway...all she had to do was marry a rich man, who had a lot of experience, and who could afford condoms. And they had a very sweet little baby boy, and they're happy together too. I think her son goes to your school. He would be...a year above you, I suppose? In Slytherin? I bet he could show you the ropes. *Wink wink, nudge nudge*

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I SAID THAT IF THIS DID NOT STOP IMMEDIATELY I WOULD KILL YOU. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I AM COMING TO KILL YOU. RIGHT AFTER I FINISH WRITING THIS LETTER. YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ME. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

.......................

ACTUALLY, IF I KNEW WHERE YOU LIVED THEN ALL OF THIS DARK LORD BUSINESS WOULD BE OVER BY NOW. BUT I'LL FIND YOU. OH, YES, THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY.

--Lemon Drop Man

Dear Lemon Drop Man,

Bring it on, you old bastard.

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I think I may be having inappropriate feelings for my young teenage son. But, come on, he's incredibly sexy! What should I do?

--Rich and Blonde

Dear Rich and Blonde,

You're so out of character already that I'm sure you've shagged your son thousands of times in tons of non-canon fictional pieces. So go for it, friend. Have fun.

Love, Voldie

deer lord vuldy

my best frend thinks im stoopid. but im not. im smarter then i luk. my uther best frend thinks the sam theng i do. we think hes luking down on us. but how can we proov that were smart to?

--gregory goyle not stoopid

Dear Not Stupid,

Good lord, boy. Get a dictionary. You'll never be able to pass your written test to get into the elite Death Eater squad you're always babbling about. Tell your friend that he's perfectly right. You are an idiot. A young Slytherin sex god like him deserves to look down on everybody, not just you two imbeciles. Sigh, but I suppose a dark lord can't choose his stupid muscle, now, can he?

Love, Voldie

Dear Lord Voldie,

I work for a very powerful resurrected dark lord. Well, a few minutes ago this old man was knocking at the door. He looked pretty familiar, but what the hell, it was raining outside. So I let the poor slob in. Then I came back to consciousness and I'm not sure how long it's been. Have I put my master in danger? Yay! I mean...oh...how terribly tragic. Although he did give me a nice new hand...after making me chop the old one off... well, he really deserves it, doesn't he?

--Confused Follower

Dear Confused Follower,

You'd really better hope that you're not who I think you are. And furthermore--oh, just one moment, someone's at my door. Hello, and how may I--HOLY SHIT! HOW DID YOU FIND ME? No...not that! That's my only--gah! Really, we could talk this over, I used to be quite good looking before power corrupted me, and--no, okay, then! AVADA KEDAVRA!

.................

Damn it, where'd I put my wand! I can't cast spells with a quill! Hey, wait--what the hell are you doing with that? You can't--that's--hey, hold on for just a frickin'--

Hello. Sorry to interrupt your letter. Lord Voldie will no longer be responding to his letters. He has a bit of, ah, business to be attending to. In Australia. On Pluto. Yes, the Plutonian Australia. Well...yes, please spread the word.

Love, the Lemon Drop Man