Down to the Disco

Today, Harry decided that he would listen to the radio. He had not listened to the radio for many months indeed, and now was a good, if not great, time to listen to the radio.

"What shall I listen to?" Harry said to himself. He picked up the radio and started turning the little knobs back and forth, trying to remember how to turn it on.

Finally, he got it on.

"Eureka!" he yelled to the empty room. He then switched the other knobs to change stations.

"And I'm gonna kill you, motha-" blasted from the radio, before Harry quickly changed stations.

"Definitely not that."

"Let's go to our happy place and sing some happy songs!"

"Oh, no. Not that, either."

"Lemme take you for a ride in muh pimpmobile,"

"What is a pimpmobile?" Harry wondered after the last song.

He turned the station again.

"Now we're gettin' down, down, down to tha disco-" rang a voice that sounded very computer generated.

Harry blinked. Harry blinked again in happiness.

Harry leaped for joy.

"Disco, baby! We'll be groovin'!"

He then ran to his mirror.

"I'm a disco slut, mirror!"

"You might be a disco slut, but you still have the worst hair I've seen in eighteen years," replied the mirror wryly.

"And I ain't offended!" Harry told the mirror, before running to his trunk.

He pulled out a pair of white flare trousers that were way too tight, a shirt that revealed a bit of his chest, and some platform shoes that made Harry six inches taller.

He put them on.

"I'll be groovin' tonight, baby!"

And with that, Harry ran out of the room.

Hermione Granger sat in a chair in the library at precisely three in the afternoon. She was studying for her next Ancient Runes test. Ron sat beside her, reading a Quidditch book.

"Ron?" asked Hermione after a moment of thinking.

"Yeah?"

"Where's Harry?"

Ron looked up.

"I think he's in the dorms. He said something about wanting to listen to a muggle dario."

"Radio?"

"Yeah, radio."

"Oh."

Silence.

"When did he say this?"

"Oh, about an hour ago."

"Well, he should be done by now. He should be down here, studying. You do know that we have a transfiguration test next week, don't you?"

Ron looked back down at his book and pretended to have not heard her.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. Hermione was not surprised. Hermione then began to mutter.

"Hmph. You're all going to fail this year. You'll never get a job. You won't graduate school. You'll end up living in your parents' basement at age forty-eight. Then you'll come crawling back to me, the successful one. The one living in a condo in Hawaii with beach boys surrounding her door. I'll be rich. Rich, I tell you!"

"Hermione?"

"-And I'll own an island off the coast of-what?"

"You're doing it again."

Hermione blinked.

"I am, aren't I?"

"Yup."

"...Sorry."

"That's okay."

Suddenly, the library doors blasted open. Everybody turned to look.

There stood Harry Potter, but he didn't look like Harry Potter. He wore white flare trousers, a shirt that showed his chest (many girls sighed dramatically as they saw this,) platform shoes that made Harry six inches taller, and an afro that seemed to be never-ending.

Not only this, but he was holding a radio in his hands. He also had his right hand pointed up, at an angle. His left leg seemed to be bent a bit, too.

Ron and Hermione gasped.

"Harry! What on Earth are you doing?"

Harry looked at her.

"I'm unleashing my groovy self, baby."

Hermione once again raised her eyebrows.

"Don't call me 'baby', Harry."

"I'm down with that..." and after those words, Harry switched on his radio.

It blared disco music.

"Mr. Potter! What is the meaning of this?!" Madam Pince roared.

"I'm just tryin' to get us all back in to the mood of disco! We need to be groovin' in this terrible time!"

Madam Pince, oddly enough, seemed to understand this. She pulled out her wand and transfigured her clothes to cool disco clothes. She then pulled the hairpin out of her hair to reveal ankle-length brown hair.

The people of the library gasped.

Madam Pince then ran to Harry.

"We be groovin'!" She told him.

"We be groovin'!" Harry answered back.

They then grooved their way out of the room.

Knock-knock-knock!

"Come in."

Professor McGonagall came into the room looking very disheveled.

"Yes, Minerva?" asked Professor Dumbledore.

"Albus--the Potter boy--he's gone mad!"

Albus scrunched up his eyebrows and cocked his face to the side.

"What do you mean?"

"He's going on and on about disco music! He's dragged Irma into this as well! Irma! The stiffest witch in the castle!"

Albus didn't seem to understand the importance of this.

"The disco era was a good time."

Minerva raised her eyebrows at him.

"Are you hearing me?"

"Oh, yes. I'm hearing you. I'm just not understanding what all the fuss is about."

Minerva sighed.

"Albus, Mr. Harry Potter and Madam Irma Pince are currently grooving their way through the corridors of Hogwarts in disco outfits with a muggle radio blaring disco music. What is there to not understand?"

"Well, they're clearly just wanting to have a good time."

"A good time! Are you seriously telling me that you see no harm in their actions?"

"Yes."

Minerva threw her arms up in the air, and she looked like she was about to say something, but she was cut off by the sound of the doors slamming open.

There, standing in the doorway, was Severus Snape, wearing a tie dye disco sized shirt.

"I've been disco-ized!" he yelled in despair, before going to and falling down into a chair.

Minerva gasped.

"I am so sorry, Severus!"

"I never saw it coming!" Severus wailed.

"Neither of us did!"

Albus watched happily, twirling his wand in his hands.

Suddenly, Severus drew in a great deal of breath.

"I will do everything in my power to stop the madness!"

Minerva threw her fist in the air.

"We shall!"

Albus still sat in his chair, amused.

"Biscuit, anyone?"

"Baby, who shall we recruit in our disco-ness next?" asked Irma, twirling her hair about in her fingers.

Harry thought for a moment.

"The Creevey brothers?"

"Beautiful, baby!"

And with that, Heartsease Harry and Peace Pince (as they now called themselves) made their way through Hogwarts in search of their new Disco sluts.

"Do you think sticks of fire are in order?" asked Minerva as she and Severus looked through several weapons of mass destruction.

"Oh yeah. Oh yeah," replied Severus.

"Bombs?"

"Of course."

"Large pointy polls of castration?"

Severus looked up.

"Now that's just cruel."

"Sorry," Minerva said ruefully, putting the object back in its box.

"S'aright. What else do we need?"

"I think we have everything that we need. Maybe a little bit more than necessary, I'd say."

The evil grin that was then upon Severus' face frightened Minerva.

"Severus..." she said carefully. "Just what-what are you thinking?"

Severus did not answer her. He picked up his bag of weapons.

"Severus... answer me," Minerva told him, taking a step back.

"Stop the ones who cause the problems. Defeat the ones who needeth be," Severus said happily.

"Severus?" Minerva asked in a completely panicked tone.

"End the torture, end the torture!"

"Severus... c'mon, stop it."

"They will get what they deserve!" Severus half-yelled crazily.

"Severus! Stop it right now!"

But Minerva didn't get an answer. Severus ran out of the room, cackling madly.

"I've created a monster..." Minerva said, her hand at her mouth.

"Dennis, darling! Colin, how are you?" rang through the fifth floor corridor.

The two said boys looked around in confusion, before finding the cause of sound.

Needless to say, they were appalled.

"Harry?"

"Madam Pince?"

"We are no longer those totally square names, baby!" Peace Pince told them.

"I am," Harry said, doing a little disco jig. "Heartsease Harry."

"And I am," Irma repeated, moving her head in such a motion that caused her hair to flip over her back. "Peace Pince."

"We are the Disco Sluts of 1996!"

The Creevey brothers exchanged a panicked glance.

"Uh..." Colin said. "We're, uh... the Creevey brothers."

"Not anymore, darling!" Peace Pince told him groovily.

"Uh... we're not?"

"Of course not!" Heartsease Harry half-shouted.

"From now on you're the Groovy Creevey Disco Sluts!" Peace Pince said in a tone that suggested that this was the best thing ever.

The Creevey-the Groovey Creevey Disco Sluts looked as if they were going to say something, but before they had the chance to, a large door slamming open surprised them all.

There, standing in the doorway, was Severus Snape.

And he looked crazy. Insane. Completely off his cracker.

And he was holding a bag. An odd little bag. A suspicious little bag. This bag was dangerous. It looked to have various little things poking the sides of it. Completely and utterly sinister-something only an evil man could bring.

Torture weapons.

This, however, did not demoralize the librarian and Gryffindor.

If anything, it seemed to only amuse them or cause even further happiness.

Disco happiness.

"Swell Severus!" shouted the two disco fiends in unison.

Snape looked infuriated.

"Don't call me that-that-that revolting name! I will not be associated with that horrible disco!"

Heartsease Harry and Peace Pince seemed to be overjoyed just by the simple fact that he had said the word "disco."

They both started doing a matching disco dance and song.

"Do that disco thang-"

"Now-"

"Do that disco thang-"

"Wow-"

"You are so groo-oovey, baby!"

"How-"

"Move your disco thang, baby!"

And they finished their dance off with a little flutter of the arms.

Snape looked horrified.

"My eyes!" and he grabbed at his eyes as if they were burning.

Heartsease Harry grooved his way over to Snape.

"Swell Severus, are you completely shocked by our amazing dancing ability?"

"Disco-no-it's too horrible!"

Heartsease Harry looked surprised.

"Horrible?"

Peace Pince came over and flipped her hair back again.

"How can disco be horrible?"

Snape backed away and threw his arms in the air.

"It's disco! It has always been horrible! How can you like disco?"

Both Heartsease Harry and Peace Pince opened their mouths to reply, but Snape cut them off.

"When I was a little boy-"

He shuddered for a moment before continuing.

"When I was a little boy, my entire family listened to disco."

"But that's a good thing!" Heartsease Harry yelled joyously.

"Shaddup," snapped Snape.

"Disco, 24/7. Always disco music, never anything else. We never listened to normal bands. Just disco music!"

Peace Pince had her mouth open in aw. "I envy you," she said quietly.

Snape looked at her angrily. "Don't envy my, woman!" he said, in a tone that clearly stated that he was losing whatever patience he may have started with.

Peace Pince didn't even flinch. She just continued staring at him with awe clearly evident on her face.

Heartsease Harry, in a sudden lurch of disco grooveyness, swung his arm over Snape's shoulder.

Snape stiffened; a look of horror crossed over his face.

He was panicking.

"P-Potter... get-get your h-hand... off... off of me."

Heartsease Harry ignored him.

"Swell Severus, you must understand," Heartsease Harry started.

Snape started twitching.

"We're here to help you," Heartsease Harry continued.

Twitch.

"You need to let us do that."

Twitch twitch twitch.

"So, to help you, you need to help us, help you."

Convulse.

Snape's hand started twitching even more than the rest of his body. His hand slowly started moving towards his bag of torture weapons.

"So, as you can clearly understand..."

Unziiiiiiiiip.

"We're trying our very best to do what we can..."

Ruffle ruffle.

"So, if you would just-"

But by now, Snape had retrieved one of his torture weapons.

He pointed it at them.

"Back off! You too, Potter! And get your arm off of my shoulder!" he snapped, waving his weapon around in a state of clear derangement.

Heartsease backed up.

"Woah, now. What's all the fuss?"

"I have waiting TOO LONG to do this!" he yelled crazily.

Heartsease Harry looked bewildered.

"Do what?"

"This!" and he waved around his weapon device.

Heartsease Harry, Peace Pince, and Snape looked at it.

It was a stick.

A plain, boring, woody stick.

Stupid stick.

Snape cursed.

"Minerva..." he grounded out, before stomping his foot in frustration.

"What kind of weapon is a stick, honestly?" Snape asked himself. "It's a stick!"

He snapped the stick.

Heartsease Harry raised his left eyebrow.

"You snapped a stick?"

"Well, yeah..."

"A stick?"

"That's what I said."

Heartsease Harry gave Snape a very undisco look.

Snape glared.

Harry regained his disco composure.

"Well, Swell Snape, as I said before, we are here to-"

"Shut up!"

"Sorry?"

"I said shut up!"

"Why?"

"Just let me kill you, already!"

Both Peace Pince and Heartsease Harry raised their eyebrows again.

"Why?"

"BECAUSE OF THE DISCO!"

"Well, I understood that, but-wow, that is a long stick, isn't it?"

Snape was breathing very heavily by now.

"It's a-well, I'm not really sure of its name. The point is, it will blow you up to the size of a salt shaker."

"A salt shaker? When did we start talking about salt shakers?"

Snape sighed in a very unSnape-like way.

"It's a metaphor, Potter."

"...Oh."

"The point is, you will be the size of a salt-shaker-now, prepare!"

And he aimed it at them.

"I've waited a long time for this!"

"We know!"

"And now-I shall do it!" and his fingers clasped over the button, ready to press it.

But it was kicked out of his hand.

Snape, Heartsease Harry, and Peace Pince looked around wildly, only to find...

"Hermione!" Heartsease Harry asked bewilderedly.

"I am no longer Hermione, Heartsease," Hermione said disco-ly.

"I am... Foxy."

"And I am," came from a door to the far left of the room. "Er... Ron."

"Ron? Couldn't you be a bit more creative?"

"I was on a time schedule, Harry," Ron whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Oh," Harry whispered back.

With that, Heartsease Harry, Foxy, Peace Pince, and Ron joined together in a line.

They stared at Snape defiantly.

"What you have tried to do to do us is so clearly ungroovey, it isn't even funny."

Snape started to twitch again.

"Now, Snape (you don't deserve a cool disco name,) get out of this place and never come back!"

Snape glared.

"You'll pay! You all SUCK! I hate you all!" Snape screamed at them, before running off.

Heartsease Harry and Peace Pince turned to Foxy and Ron.

"You came. How come? I thought you thought that disco was stupid."

"We did, originally. But then we ran into Dumbledore and McGonagall in the corridors. They were talking about you," Foxy started.

"And then we asked them what it was all about," continued Ron.

"And they told us everything," Hermione finished.

"Everything?" Peace Pince and Heartsease Harry asked.

"Everything," Foxy and Ron confirmed.

"So then, we thought, why not help you guys. And here we are," Ron finished off.

"So the whole disco façade isn't real?"

"Oh, no, it's real. We realised half-way here how cool disco was."

"Oh."

They stood in silence for a moment.

"So... you guys want to go get a bite to eat?" asked Ron.

He was met with murmurs of agreement.

And so, the four set off for the kitchens.

"Colin?"

"Yeah, Dennis?"

"They left us, didn't they?"

"Yeah, they left us."