Harry Potter In: Suddenly Soviet

~ One ~

Summer of Queer

~C.F. Walklin Jr.~

~YOUR Daily Spectre~

*Potter*Playables*

~Fukengroovin V.W. Kill Boxes~

~The Stale-As-Hell/Prime-Fornicator Motion Picture Group~

~Queer-To-The-Max Motion Pictures~

~And~

~Madam Slurppin's Toys For All Occasions~

~Proudly Present~

~Harry Potter In: Suddenly Soviet~

To:

C.F. Walklin Jr. - Managing Editor ~ YOUR Daily Spectre

From:

The Hogwarts Justice Files

Dateline:

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - Harry Potter's Sixth Year of Magical Training

Case Status:

Undetermined

It had been a summer of glittering hope. Indeed, Harry Potter had happened upon a veritable cornucopia of one swell fucking event after another. The nasty tales, vicious rumors, and libelous slander being tossed about like so much stale confetti at the student wizard, had ceased. In addition, he was once again being referred to in the world of wizard as The Boy Who Lived...

Cornelius Fudge, the much maligned and shoddy Minister of Magic had been sacked and assigned to a cell in Azkaban. Joining him in that cell was his newest boy toy, Percy Weasley.

YOUR Daily Spectre's headline had read:

Bon voyage! Fudge Sent Packing - Percy On Board

Dolores Umbridge, the evil and incompetent professor assigned to the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts, had not been seen since that fateful day where Peeves, the poltergeist, had chased her bodily from the Hogwarts grounds. However, rumor had it that she had run blindly into the Forbidden Forest; called the Centaurs half-breeds again and Bane, himself, had harpooned the toad woman. Now, unconfirmed reports though they may be, several students and professors of Hogwarts had allegedly seen smoke rising, smelled a glorious barbecue, glimpsed a magnificent roller coaster, and heard voices stating, "Bane, she tastes like chicken"...

Lucius Malfoy, once prominent figurehead to the Ministry of Magic, and alleged right-hand-man to the Dark Lord, had fallen victim to a dementor's kiss. Evidently, Mr. Malfoy had enjoyed the night life, and was eager to imitate the dementor's act of kissing. Not wanting to go that way, several Azkaban inmates had grown weary of the sights, sounds, and smells from Mr. Malfoy's cell. To remedy the situation, Peter Pettigrew himself bribed a dementor with a pack of cigarettes. Dying for nicotine, the said dementor was all to happy to commit the dastardly deed.

Mr. Malfoy, AKA, The Queen of Azkaban, had offered no resistance, chirping with ecstasy, "I've been a bad boy! The more the merrier! Fudge, get in here and st-a-a-a-a-rt packing!"

Mr. Malfoy's body was hastily tossed into a dumpster in Downtown London by his next of kin Narcissa Malfoy, 41, now residing in Mud-Blood Manor.

When asked for comment, the stately witch said:

"Lucius' and my marriage was pre-arranged. He liked leather, rubber, and young men to spank him. I, on the other hand, enjoy knitting, moonlit strolls in Bangkok and smoking Gilly Weed. And don't get me started on fantastic beasts and where to find them, because in my bed is where you'll find them! In fact, I honestly never even slept with that needle dick! I mean to say, it doesn't take a quantum physicist to ascertain the fact that Draco isn't his son. Just look closely at him... You'll see that he has the Post Owl's eyes..."

Vol- tut, tut! Don't say the 'V' word! Uh... Sorry about that...

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,(Mother of God! The fucking name takes up nearly half a page! I swear, if you share holders for the Daily Spectre don't start sanctioning the use of the 'V' word soon, I am going to execute every single fucking one of you! Honestly!) Anyway, the Dark Lord, while returned to his physical form, fear has driven him into exile. Rumor has it that he has been offered asylum by none other than French President, Jacques Chirac, and is currently residing in France.

On a fact-finding mission, a Daily Spectre special correspondent (your's truly), unearthed documents in Iraq to support such claims. President Chirac has, to this point, declined offers for an interview with your's truly, to refute such claims. Yes, doing the French proud, Mr. Chirac fails to disappoint, and continues to run like a pro...

Update:

While on one of his many morning runs, Mr. Chirac has finally offered comments to the charges now levied at his administration...

"Distinguished Masseurs and Mademoiselles of the French Press. I am prepared to make a statement at this time, refuting the fictitious and malicious allegations of bribe taking, aiding and abetting and the below-the-belt charges claiming that I have had gender altering surgery. A newspaper, I believe it is named The Daily Spectre operating in London, England, has shamelessly fanned the flames of falsehood and directly attacked France's most-noble political body. We, that is the collective governments of France, Germany, Russia and Irac, believe this is a smokescreen; produced to divert our attentions away from their ultimate goal: world conquest."

"Yes, it is a vast right-wing conspiracy in which British Prime Minister Tony Blair; American President George W. Bush; American radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh; the managing editor of The Daily Spectre, C.F. Walklin Jr; and author of the detestable novel, Kill It And Grill It, Ted Nugent, currently reside.

"A reliable source of mine, Hillary Clinton, has evidence to support such claims, and has alerted us to their existence. Further evidence of this can be found in Hillary's blockbuster new book, I am History ~ The Right Wing Conspiracy That Made Me a Bag Lady."

"Anyway, in closing, I will state simply that I did not offer the Dark Lord exile, my male genitalia remains attached...I think; the United Nations Security Council has everyone's best interest at heart; the French never run from a fight; Vladamir Putin is not a house-elf; Jack Nicholson was correct in saying that Fidel Castro is quite charming once you get to know him; the Palestinians are really just a happy go lucky group that is terribly misunderstood; the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is a myth...Since I saw to it personally that they all were moved into France, Germany, and Russia before the war; and the Oil-For-Food program is a marvelous invention that was not intended to make a select few of us wealthy, it just happened that way... Thank you for your time, I have no further comment."

This special report has been brought to you by:

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By:

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Bangin' The Cong ~ A Retrospective

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