How Draco Became Even More Stupid Than His Father

Lucius Malfoy was just sitting down to a nice breakfast of toasted house-elf, when his son ran into the room with his head on backwards.

"DADDY! Daddy, I say! I do believe the maid screwed my head on backwards again! What SHALL I do?" Draco squealed grumpily.

"Eat her," mumbled Lucius, who was not in the mood for a conversation with his squeaky-voiced offspring.

"But DADDY, I don't WANT to eat the maid. You told me to eat the last one too, and I got HORRIBLE indigestion," Draco protested. He was right, too, he did get horrible indigestion from the last maid.

"Talk to your boy toy about it, then," said Lucius, referring to Draco's 'latest', Colin Creevey.

"Oh, he's getting tiresome. I think I'll be feeding him to you shortly, in your breakfast or something," Draco mumbled.

"What?" Lucius said sharply.

"Glad your coffee's kicking in," muttered Draco, heading out the door in a moody-teenagerish pout. Lucius allowed himself a small grin. His son had probably gone out to drink himself silly again and Lucius had the entire mansion to himself!

"Ah, it'll be a good day today," he said happily, ringing Severus Snape as he did so. "Sev, DO come over. We'll have the run of the mansion today, now that Draco's gone off in a sulk."

Sev did a happy dance in his kitchen. "I'd LOVE to, Lucy! Just let me find my hat! Toodles, dearie." He hung up, threw the phone into a bucket of unripe piranhas, and walked out of his front door with a swish of his sparkly flamenco skirt.

~

On his way to Malfoy Manor, Sev encountered a turtle. "Ooh," he thought to himself, "this would go FABULOUSLY with my new skirt!" He picked it up and strapped it onto his head with some seaweed that had happened to be in his pocket.

"That's simply barBARIC!" huffed the turtle, who happened to be Hermione's cousin. "I demand that you un-weed me!" Sev found this extremely funny, and collapsed in a fit of giggles. "Get off me!" said the fit of giggles.

Sev complied, still giggling. The fit of giggles was VERY annoyed, and stomped off, muttering, "What are people COMING to these days? Why, when I was young."

A lone fangirl was treading the same path as Sev, intent on getting pictures of Malfoy Manor and the (alcoholic) sex gods that reside there. She caught sight of his greasy head and let out a squeal of delight. "EEP! A snoggable character!" She dropped her camera and sprinted towards the flamboyantly clad potions master.

Sev looked rather disgusted, and put his hands out in front of himself, waving her off. "No, no, dear, I like BOYS. And sometimes GIRLS. Not little alien beings from another planet who happen to be female." She was confused. She WAS a girl! Wasn't she?

Obviously not, she concluded. With flashing eyes, she decided to do what every american girl does when they're rejected. "YOU BITCH!" she screamed, pelting Sev with brussels sprouts.

He, as any British male would, became very disturbed and fled. He fled so fast, in fact, that he ran smack into a flea! The flea, of course, was rater unhappy, as I'm sure most people would be upon being run into by an amount of pounds of Sev. [He wouldn't let me put how much he weighs, he's very sensitive.]

"Bleep you!" screeched the flea to the amount of pounds of Sev. "Bleep you all, and your little dogs too!" Sev decided that the flea was most unstable indeed and ran for his bloody little life. Again.

Sev was getting tired of all this running for his life business, and arrived at Malfoy Manor. He was rather hoping it was actually worth it, and planned to tell Lucy darling exactly what happened directly after getting inside. So tired was Sev, in fact, that instead of treating the obstacle course that came before the door as a game, he simply flew over it on a piece of seaweed. After landing on the doorstep and ringing the bell, he collapsed on the Bleep Off, You Tosser mat and began snoring to pass the time it took Lucius to get there and let him in.

Of course, what Sev knew not was that Lucy had spent the time until Sev's arrival taking a leaf out of his whiny son's book and drinking himself silly. He wasn't quite himself, you see. So he opened his front door, saw Sev on his self-designed welcome mat, and screamed a high, glass-shattering scream. Sev shot four feet into the air and landed on Lucy.

"Owww... Get off me, you tosser!" Lucy moaned. He was aching all over, as Sev is not the best person to land on one when one's been drinking, for his aforementioned weight is not a sensitive subject for no reason.

"I'm big-boned, you tosser!" wailed Sev, seemingly to the author of the last sentence. "Do I LOOK fat?" Lucy considered this for a moment. "No, but you do have your head on backwards..." he said. Severus groaned in dismay. "I must've caught your stupid son's condition..." Lucy looked as astounded as a wasted person can look. "How'd you know about that?"

"I'm psychic, dearie."

"Well THERE's a shocker." Draco smirked, as he emerged from the parlor where he'd been having tea with the three blind mice. "Honestly, there was no way you COULDN't be! I mean, wow. All those events. And you just totally told EVERYONE about them waaaay before they happened, didn't you Sev." Draco then noticed that Sev was still lying on top of Lucy in a rather suggestive position, and convulsed. "I... think I'll be going now... and... um... wash out my eyes... yes... sounds like a... very... good idea... BYE - " and he ran off to the nearest washroom to cleanse his brain of that disturbing sight.

Sev pouted. The turtle on his head smirked prissily and said, "I see you've gotten your just desserts!" Sev brightened up at this. "Desserts!" he squeaked, and leapt up off of Lucy to go find some reality-distorting butter cake.

THE END.