History of Magic: Today

History of Magic: Today.

Presenter: Good evening and welcome to "History of Magic: Today".

Joining me tonight is Dr. Blenheim Stalk.

Blenheim Stalk: Good evening.

P: Tonight, we will be discussing the second great Goblin Rebellion of the seventeenth century. Perhaps we can begin by discussing the events that led up to the revolt in the years immediately after the first revolution, which we discussed last week.

B.S: Indeed. It is often said that the events leading up to the second revolution were precipitated by a combination of factors. Firstly, there was a general feeling amongst the Goblins that Wizards were profiting unduly from their hard work. There was a similar feeling among Wizards that Goblins were an untrustworthy and shiftless race of Magical Being. These factors led directly to a general lack of verbal communication between both sides. There was a marked reluctance common to both Goblins and Wizards to learn each others' language.

P: Do you know the way goblins say "Bwlargh blearrrrgh bwllllllaargh bewwwaaaaaaaalrgh?"

B.S: I have heard such an unrestrained vocal outburst...

P: Your Mum floo called me last night.

B.S: Oh really? What did she say?

P: "Bwlargh blearrrrgh bwllllllaargh bewwwaaaaaaaalrgh blaaaaarrrrrrrrg mwaaaaarrrrrgggghjhh!"

B.S: Do you know a bit of vomit round the back of the Hog's Head pub in Hogsmeade?

P. I have observed the aforesaid gastric emission.

B.S: And it's been there for about three weeks and it's all mixed in with the muck and dirt and it's still wet because a cat has peed in it.

P: Yes.

B.S: That's your gourmet dinner that is.

P: See a smelly old hag picking a day old takeaway meal out of a bin?

B.S: I have encountered such an unhygienic person.

P: And she's about two hundred years old and she has no teeth and she smells really bad because her favourite food is raw liver.

B.S: Such personages are not beyond my ken, by any means.

P: That's your girlfriend, that is. You love her. You give her big kisses.

B.S: Do you know an old bit of stick that's fallen off a bonfire and is all mouldy and covered in splinters?

P. Yes, I have seen such an item.

B.S: That's your broomstick that is. That's your Nimbus 2000, on a Saturday afternoon, after you've spent the whole day polishing it.

P: See a girl running around flapping her arms like some sort of silly girly girl from Girl-land.

B.S: I have noticed a person with a similar lack of coordination.

P: That's you, that is.

B.S: Do you know that Gilderoy Lockhart? The one who writes all the crap books?

P: Yes, the mental one who is locked up in St. Mungo's mental ward.

B.S: Yes, the one who used to get all dressed up and made himself look like a big gay.

P: I am aware of the fellow, yes.

B.S: He's your best mate he is. He's like your "special friend". You two are loooooovers.

P: Oh ha ha ha! That's very funny...not! *Spits on the floor* See that bit of spit on the ground?

B.S: Yes?

P: That's you that is.

B.S: No. That's your swimming pool, in your back garden.

P: Well I don't think that anyone can be in doubt that tonight we have had a most rich and enlightening debate. Dr. Blenheim Stalk, thank you very much.

B.S: You're gay you are!

P: Just as a postscript to what we've been saying, Dr Blenheim Stalk, I'd like to say... I saw your mum, coming out of the VD clinic.

B.S: Well I haven't come on this programme to be insulted. Good night!