Genius Trolls

Genius Trolls

"Binns, you will be helping me, right?" said Flitwick, looking at the old Professor. " You won't fall asleep then?"

"Yeah...yeah, don't worry," assured Binns, yawning loudly. He smacked his lips sleepily. "I've got a wonderful plan to get that wand of yours. It's the same plan Uric the Oddball used to retrieve his knife back from Emeric. Did you read about it? Uric gave him such a fright. It was interesting really..."

Professor Binns droned on and on about the goblin war, not taking any short breath.

"OK! OK!" interrupted the tiny wizard. "I'm going now and I hope your plan works. So, are you coming along?"

"No, Flitwick, if I tag along, it will ruin the plan," explained Binns, rubbing his tired eyes.

The tiny face of Flitwick was immediately replaced by a tanned, leathery face that produced several lines on his forehead.

"Just remember, make crow-noises and I'll be there as soon as possible. You don't even know I'm already there."

"I'll take note of that!" squeaked Flitwick, clearly disappointed. "Don't fall asleep."

"Yeah...yeah...farewell" yawned Binns, waving goodbye. "Anyway, how did you lose your wand to a troll? Flitwick? Hello...where are you? Flitwick, you may be short but I still can find you. Flitwick? You left me in the dark all alone? Flitwick!"

It was too late, Flitwick was already on his way to the thick forest, wondering what was Binns planning to do.

"I'm too old for this," said Binns, yawning as loud as possible." Too tired...must resist...too heavy...zzz."

Binns fell asleep, snoring loudly. Not even a thunderstorm could wake him up.

*****

The leaves of trees were glistening, and every twig was dripping, the green grass was grey with cold dew. Everything in the forest was still and far-away noises seemed nearer and clearer. The woods became denser as Flitwick walked through it. The trees were now young and thick. Out of the dark, our tiny wizard could see a yellowish-looking light, as it might be a fire or torches twinkling.

*****

There were three very large, burly and ugly-looking figures sitting around a fire of logs. They were toasting a small piece of meat on long spits of wood. They were a gruesome group called Trolls. Hearing their names can make my hair stand. That's why I use hair gel.

"Rats, rats and more freakin' rats," said one of the trolls. " I'm sick of em'. Can't yer catch a decent meal, Stumpy?"

"How much do yer want Gooney?" said the other. "It wasn't my fault em' cows ran away. Blimey, yer should have seen em' go. Fast bunch they are. At least Unger ain't complaining."

"Yep, I'll eat anything if it could get me out of me home or I'll get hurt by UFO," said Unger, frowning heavily. "It really hurts."

"UFO?" said Gooney. "em' tiny green alien things. I hear they taste like chicken."

"Nope, I'm talking about unidentified frying object. Me wife is mad."

Both Gooney and Stumpy laughed stupidly.

"Why do humans hate us?" Unger asked suddenly,trying to change the subject. "Anyway, why de they call us dumb?"

Stumpy and Gooney stared up at him in momentary surprise and then they started laughing again. Unger was taken aback.

"Let me ask yer a simple question," said Unger, looking at his two large buddies. "What is one plus one? Tell me...if yer know."

"Uh...eleven?" Stumpy muttered stupidly, digging his nose.

"EXACTLY!" shrieked Unger. "Then why de they call us stupid...I think they are the dumb one."

"We Trolls are actually smart," said Gooney. " I'll bet Einstein wouldn't have got that question right. Yep."

"Einstein?" said Stumpy, completely shocked. "The one with the funny hair? The human genius?

"No," replied Gooney. " Not that Einstein, I'm talking about my grandpa Einstein."

"Another question," interrupted Unger. "What is the square root of a pie? That's a hard one."

Stumpy raised his thick arms and shouted, "I know! I know! Pies have no roots and they are circles, not squares!"

"Right!" shouted Unger in excitement. "We're got a smart one here. Pass him a beer, Gooney."

Flitwick stood and waited in the shadows, hearing every word the Trolls were saying. He was trying his best not to laugh. Trolls can be very funny sometimes but Flitwick must get his wand back. He decided to steal it by picking the Trolls' pocket, so the tiny wizard crept behind a tree behind Stumpy while the Trolls were having another drink. Flitwick put his tiny hand into Stumpy's enormous pocket, scanning for his precious wand. Smelling something funny, Stumpy turned and grabbed Flitwick by the leg before he could escape.

Flitwick squeaked, wondering how to make crow-noises.

"What are yer?" commanded Stumpy, shaking our tiny wizard. "What do yer want?"

" I'm Flitwick," stuttered Flitwick, shivering all over.

"Flitwick?" grunted the Trolls, startled. Trolls have never seen such a tiny human before.

"I think you took my wan..." squeaked Flitwick. "NO! I mean my precious piece of wood."

Flitwick knew very well that Trolls hated both wizards and witches. Since the Trolls are unable to identify Flitwick because of his small size, they have no way of knowing that their prisoner was actually a wizard or they would have pounded him like a squashed cockroach.

"This piece of wood?" said Stumpy, taking out Flitwick's wand from his enormous pocket. "What de yer want a piece of lousy wood for? Do yer eat it? No wonder yer so tiny."

"Oh...it's...er...a family heirloom," lied Flitwick, putting his wand in his own pocket. Flitwick would have curse the Trolls immediately but he was too frightened and weak to do so. He was also outnumbered three to one and it would be impossible to curse all three at once.

"Where is Binns?" Flitwick though angrily. " He promised to help me. Never trust a sleepy wizard! Oh no! I think he slept again! That sly dog! Oh...my poor feet."

"Is this wick-creature edible?" asked Gooney, licking his lips. "I'm hungry."

Unger took out a dictionary and began flipping onto section "E", looking for the word edible.

"Yeah...I think it's safe to eat," said Unger, throwing the thick dictionary into the fire. " He looks like the mouse we ate just now."

Gooney took out a sharp knife, making our poor wizard squeak.

" Did yer swallow a helium tank or somethin'?" said Unger. "I think we should roast him now. Pass me a frying pan Stumpy."

Then something interesting happen. The Trolls began arguing whether they should eat Flitwick alive, squash him like a pan-cake or let him go but trust me, they wouldn't dream of throwing away a good dinner. The Trolls had finally decided to squash our squeaky friend after long hours of name-calling.

"I still think we should eat him alive," said a voice. Stumpy thought it was Unger.

" Stop arguin'," he said " We won't eat him alive. Shut up and let me cook in peace!"

"Who's arguin'?" commanded Unger, taking out his wooden club. "Yer a freakin' liar! I said nothin'."

"Yes, yer did Unger," added Gooney.

So the argument began all over again. Wooden clubs were thrown without mercy, narrowly missing Flitwick. When there's no more club left, they began wrestling, calling each other rude but true names. They rolled and rolled making the ground shake. (It would have been interesting if the heavyweight title was on the line.) Out of frustration, Gooney took out the frying pan and whacked both his buddies on the head but that only made them angrier. Flitwick had had enough. He must do something or he'll be dinner for the Trolls. Flitwick wriggled out of Stumpy's grip and plummeted to the ground. He then tried to make a run for it but Gooney caught hold of his leg and Stumpy popped a long sack right over Flitwick's head down to his feet. The Trolls continued arguing and in the end, they agreed to eat their prisoner alive.

"Who will get to eat the little thing?" said a voice. "There isn't enough meat for all three of us." Stumpy and Unger thought it was Gooney.

"Shut up, Gooney, you goon," roared Stumpy and Unger, waving their heavy clubs." Would yer like to meet Mr. Club again?"

"Shut up yerself!" yelled Gooney, who thought it was Stumpy's voice. "I'm not arguin', you ape!"

"Yer a fat pig!" said Unger, snorting like one.

"Yer look like a pig yerself snorting like that!" said a voice that sounded like Stumpy. So the argument started all over again, more brutal than ever until they agree to lock Flitwick up in their secret cave. The trolls groaned loudly, partly because they were beaten up badly and that their cave is a mile away. They decided that one of them should go.

"Who will vote Unger?" said Gooney. Both Gooney and Stumpy raised their hands. "Two against one, pal."

"Hey! That isn't fair" objected Unger. "Who will vote for Gooney?"

This time, Unger and Stumpy voted.

"No...no, who will vote for Stumpy?" said Gooney. All three Trolls voted, raising their hands. "A-HA! Stumpy has the most votes." Both Gooney and Unger sniggered stupidly.

Stumpy groaned loudly, he knew that he was cleverly tricked. Stumpy just muttered angrily, cursing his misfortunes.

"Where is the cave?" asked a voice.

"Is it in the north?" snarled Stumpy, starching his head. "I'm not sure."

"It's in the south-east," said a voice like Gooney's.

"I remembered it was South." said Unger.

"Yes, Southern side," said Gooney.

"Then why did yer say it's South-east for?" raged Stumpy.

"I didn't say South-east, you dog. Unger was the one."

"Don't accuse me!" yelled Unger. "It was you, Gooney. I swear!"

"Yer both are idiots," declared Stumpy. " So shut the hell up."

"I think yer a bloody hippo-face," said a voice, sounding like Gooney.

"I do not look like one, yer sweaty-ugly-smelly-thing!" snapped Unger. He thought it was Gooney's voice.

"Who are yer talking to?" commanded Gooney.

"Who do yer think I'm talking to?" said a voice, sounding like Unger's. " I don't see another idiot around."

The Trolls started fighting again(SIGH!). Unger kicked Gooney nose so hard that the brawny troll flew back into a tree with a thud. Stumpy knocked Unger's head with a heavy club and Gooney choked Stumpy from behind.

Suddenly the Trolls heard a particular voice that sounded like Unger. Since Unger's mouth was badly swollen, he couldn't have talked. They looked confusedly around.

"I think my grandma looked better than yer," said the voice. "Yer look my owl that hoots all day! You talk like my dog! I bet I could beat yer in three seconds! Did yer leave yer brain at home? Want to borrow mine? I got a spare in my butt. Now I can call yer butt-brain!"

"What are yer sayin', Unger?" said Gooney." Yer turning mad? Yer don't have a dog or yer would have eaten it already. What is a butt-brain?"

"It wasn't him I tell yer," said Stumpy, looking around. "His mouth is swollen. SHHH!!!! Listen to the voice!"

The voice went droning and droning about how ugly Gooney and Stumpy looks like as a couple.

"It's comin' from behind that tree," said Gooney. We'll surprise him."

Then everything came clear. Flitwick realised what Binns plan was. Bloody clever, he thought.

The Trolls crept quietly around the tree and began the count-down.

"1-2-5-8-6-8-7...err" counted Stumpy. "What comes after 7? NINE! GO GRAB HIM!!!"

The Trolls crashed onto the tree, hurting their head in the process. They tried grabbing the voice but they only found a ghost, staring at them laughing and making funny faces.

"ARGH!" shouted the Trolls. "GHOST! ARGH! GHOST! DON'T EAT ME! EAT HIM, HE'S FATTER!"

The Trolls went running as fast as their heavy legs could carry them, shrieking and screaming like little girls.

When the Trolls were gone, Binns in his ghost form untie the sack and let Flitwick out. He was nearly suffocated and wasn't pleased with Binn's late arrival.

"Well...you didn't make the crow-noise properly," said Binns, still laughing. "So, did you get your wand back?"

Flitwick nodded, cleaning himself up.

"I didn't believe you slept again while I'm in trouble," squeaked the annoyed and tiny wizard. "Let's go back before the Trolls come back."

"WAIT!" groaned Binns, looking around. "I think I lost my body. Help me look for it."

"Why don't you go first," sneered Flitwick. "Make crow-noises and I'll be there as soon as possible. You won't even know I'm already there."

Binns groaned.