Help! I'm Spoofing Myself!

    Mary-Sue *ahem* Marie-Susanna was attending college, and being incredibly clever. She was sitting on a bench, not bothering to study because her wonderful intelligence came naturally. Suddenly, a cute boy with green eyes and black hair and a scar in the middle of his forehead decided to sit next to her.

    “You are the most beautiful women I have ever met,” he said, very out of character.

    Marie-Susanna was not surprised. She was the most beautiful woman on earth, but she didn’t like to brag. And, fancy that, the most beautiful woman on earth was single. She had eyes that were cinnamon and chocolate and maple-syrup and coffee coloured, all at once.

    “Oh no!” exclaimed the boy, “I dropped my wand- I mean, useless twig.”

    “What’s that?” asked Marie-Susanna.

    “Nothing,” said Harry P- the boy.

    “You’re keeping secrets from me!” Marie-Susanna cried.

    “I shouldn’t- but I am so madly in love with you that I will tell you. I am a wizard, that was my wand,” he said.

    “Oh. I don’t believe you. Let’s snog,” said Marie Susanna.

    “Wait!” cried the boy, “I’m Harry Potter!”

Audience: -gasp-

Harry Potter: And I’m out with Ginny Weasley!

Ginny: But I’m out with Draco!

Draco: But I’m out with Blaise!

Blaise: But I’m a man!

Draco: Since when?

Blaise: I’m also an American exchange student. Pants! Bathroom! Faucet! Radical!

American Audience: Radical?

Harry: And I’m British! Trousers! Lou! Tap! Sherbert Lemons!

Blaise: Anyway, I’m out with Hermione!

Hermione: But I’m out with Draco!

Draco: Didn’t J. K. Rowling say that would never happen?

Harry: What’s she got to do with it?

Hermione: Fine then! I’m out with Snape!

Marie-Susanna: Isn’t this a fan-fic about me?

All: (sigh) Fine.

    Marie-Susanna had full pink lips and long black eyelashes that were so beautiful, she didn’t need make-up. Her silky dirty-blonde hair was rippling in the wind.

Draco: Hey! In fanon, I’m the sexy one!

Harry: Sure are!

Hermione: But you’re out with me!

Draco: Did you mean me or Harry?

Hermione: Men are so insensitive.

Ron: I’m stupid and drunk. You look hot, Hermione.

Hermione: I love you, too, Ron.

Marie-Susanna: -ahem-

Ron: Oh my god! It’s Umbridge!

Umbridge: Do you realize I’m the only character in fanon who’s not out with anyone?

Marietta: I don’t have a partner, either.

Umbridge: Don’t be silly. You’re out with the giant squid.

Snape: I’m out with the giant squid.

Hermione: You’re out with me!

Snape: Who, me, the squid or Marietta?

Hermione: No one understands me...

Marie-Susanna: Can we get back to my beauty now? ’Cause I’ve got to get to class...

Hermione: Don’t bother with classes. I never do. Unless I come in in a tight leather mini-skirt and boob -tube and mouth-off to the teacher.

Ginny: And that’s why I love you.

Harry: Are you two-timing me?

Draco: Are you two-timing me?

Hermione: Who, me, Ginny or Harry?

Harry: Anyway, I need to break it of with all of you so I can go out with this gorgeous muggle.

Luna: I won’t let you! I’ll get violent!

Ron: When did you get here? I did not see you come in.

Luna: Oh, like you’re one to talk.

Frodo: All sorts of people just keep wandering in.

Marie-Susanna: This park bench is getting pretty crowded.

Hermione: Just the way I like it.

Marie-Susanna: Anyway. If you’re a wizard, prove it.

Harry: Ok, fireus flameus! (A twig is catches fire)

Snape: Fire bad!

Hermione: Whatever you say, sweetie. Putus Outus! ( The fire is put out)

Snape: Hermy good!

Grawp: You mean, Hermione is good.

Umbridge: (staring adoringly at Grawp) I love you.

Grawp: I am too advanced for your inferior intellect.

Umbridge: (sobs)

Frodo: Anyone seen a tall, blonde guy? Goes by the name of Legolas?

Draco: He’s discovered my secret identity! What should I do?

Ginny: Dude, we can here you, you know.

Marie-Susanna: This fic has certainly wandered off topic. This would never happen how Rowling writes it.

Draco/Legolas: What’s she got to do with it?

Luna: You’re just trying to get my Harry! Killus Deathus!

Marie-Susanna: (dies gracefully in Harry’s arms)

Harry: (a single tear runs down his face)

Munchkins: Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!

Dorothy: Where am I?

Blaise: I love you.

Harry: Pay no attention to the man on the bench...

Dorothy: You’re the Wizard of Oz!

Harry: She’s discovered my secret identity! What should I do?

Fawkes: You need the help of... SUPERMAN! (Transforms into super man)

Hermione: Since when has Superman transformed?

Superman/Fawkes: Doesn’t matter. Bazow! (Lasers Dorothy)

Dorothy: (dies)

Munchkins: Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!

Luna: They’re all wicked witches to you guys, eh?

Munchkins: Ding dong... (etc.)

Harry: Wait, I’m confused.

Ron: No, I’m confused.

Harry: Who am I out with again?

All: Me!

Harry: Ok, well, that makes it simpler...

Mickey Mouse: I can make brooms dance!

Grawp: I love you.

Harry: Don’t we all...

The End