Harry Potter and the Tournament of Death

*We open in a very dark, decrepit house, stalking a really old man who we all know is Frank Bryce even though it's never actually stated. There's also a huge snake slithering across the dust*

Frank Bryce: This dramatic music MUST be the fault of youth! *dashes up to the top room*

*He walks up a very dark, decrepit staircase to find that the villain of the story, as brilliant and powerful as he is, is too thick to know that, when you're having an important, top-secret conversation about killing people, it's always a good idea to CLOSE THE DOOR*

Peter Pettigrew: We can't include the main protagonist in our evil plot, Lord Voldemort!

Audience: *twitches* Don't--say--the name!

Voldemort: NO! I NEED HIM! NEED HIM! MY PREEEECIOUS....

Barty Crouch, Jr: We will find him, my Lord, because I have the good sense to obey the rule against speaking your name! *lizard tongue*

Voldemort: Yay! Thank you, faceless man whose identity we won't reveal for a very long time who's not even supposed to be in this scene! Now let's gather our old college buddies for a wild rave!

Peter Pettigrew: ....

Barty Crouch, Jr: .... *lizard tongue*

Voldemort: Oh, yeah, and there's a totally unimportant old man outside the door. Watch as I kill him without a body!

*He somehow manages to kill Presumably Frank Bryce without a body. Suddenly, Harry Potter wakes with a start, and the really vague backstory ends abruptly. The kids are at the Burrow, and the Dursleys are crying.*

Hermione: Harry! Ronald! Wake up! My screentime is starting, and you're not allowed to minute a moment of my glory!

Harry: Rrrgh... five more minutes, mom....

Ron: *screams girlishly and pulls the blanket up over his chest like a naked girl* Ah! She saw my boobs!

Hermione: You. Are. An. Idiot. Now come on! We have plot points to skip to!

*The first five chapters of the book blow by so fast the audience gets dizzy*

Ron: Are we there yet?

Arthur: No.

Harry: Are we there yet?

Arthur: No.

Ron: Are we there yet?

Arthur: FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO!

Amos: Hey there, everybody! Are you ready to be completely intimidated by the power of my son's awesome and win?

*Robert Pattison drops from a tree*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: OMG, IT'S EDWARD!!! SQUEEEE!!!!! 1!eleventyone!

My Voice: No! No! Where are you all coming from? Back! Back, you monsters! Get back!

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: He's so SPARKLY!!!!

Cedric: Hey. *puffs the weed we all know he smokes-- look at his facial expressions!* Call me Cedric this time.

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: EDWARD!

Cedric: Heh. Cool.

*We skip more important stuff*

Fred: Come on! It's time for magical special effects garbage!

*They grab a rotting boot and fly off into one of Cedric's LSD trips. When they come back, everyone tumbles ass over backwards into the ground except for Captain Pothead and the two adults*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: OMG! Did you see that? He, like, used his super amazing vampire powers to land perfectly!

My Voice: No, he's just so used to being stoned out of his mind that he can deal with it.

*Whatever it is, they all make their way through a city of tents and leave the Diggorys to fend for themselves*

Harry, Hermione, all Weasleys, and Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: BYE, EDWARD! WE LOOOOOVE YOOOOU!

*The Authoress twitches madly, and the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione enter the greatest tent ever. I've seen houses smaller than this thing, seriously*

Harry: I love magic.

Ron: *squeaky voice* I love YOU, Harry!

Harry: ... um...

Fred and George: *are awesome*

*The gang heads up a bunch of stairs into the stadium as the audience quivers with anticipation of the most awesome game of Quidditch ever*

Ron: Are we there yet?

Arthur: ... shut the hell up.

Luscious Mouthful: Hello there, inferiors. In case you've forgotten, I am incredibly sexy. Fear my shiny hair as it blows in the wind.

Draco: We're so rich that we have the Minster of Magic wipe our arses for us!

Luscious Mouthful: Quiet, Draco. I'm stealing the movie again.

Draco: Yes, Daddy.

Luscious Mouthful: And now for some incredibly threatening dialogue that makes you wonder why exactly I haven't been arrested yet. Enjoy yourself... while you can. *he, his shiny hair, and his son leave*

Fred: Time for pointless commentary! The giant leprechaun in the sky means that the Irish are coming!

Audience: No way! We thought leprechauns were from Azerbaijan!

George: And now for the Bulgarians and the one player in this entire game anyone actually cares about!

Viktor Krum: *shows off on the Jumbotron, which no one can actually see because they ARE the Jumbotron. Still, he's really hot and it's lovely to get to stare at him for a while*

Cornelius Fudge: Let the match begin!

Audience: *squee*

Screenwriters: DENIED! *maniacal cackling*

My Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time to begin our list of grievances against this new director.

Audience: Ooh, do we get to kick Mike Newell's ass, too?

Alphonso Cuaron: *still nursing horrible injuries from his mauling last parody* Be afraid... be very afraid....

Mike Newell: *gulps*

Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione: Yay! The Irish won!

Ron: But I love Krum more than my life! It's more than a man crush-- it's infatuation!

Fred and George: *are still awesome*

Arthur: Shut up, all of you! This movie has been too lighthearted for too long! Harry, Ron, Hermione! We need your looks of horror, because there are villains about!

*They run out of the tent, and suddenly everything is on fire and the KKK is on the march*

Harry: Since when do the KKK wear black? I mean... Ow, my scar!

Arthur: Stay together!

Ron and Hermione: *look at each other* Bye, Harry! *run away*

*Harry immediately gets trampled and knocked unconscious. When he wakes up, he is in a completely different place, and Barty Crouch, Jr. has returned*

Barty Crouch, Jr: Fear my evil fireworks! *lizard tongue*

*Evil fireworks appear in the sky, and everyone freaks out*

Ron: We've been looking for you for ages!

Harry: Maybe you shouldn't have abandoned me during a KKK riot, then. *suddenly holds his scar* AH! THE EVIL FIREWORKS HURT MY BRAIN!

Ministry Dudes: Look! People! ATTACK!

Arthur: Wait! They're innocent! They couldn't have made the evil fireworks!

Barty Crouch: I've been taking facial hair advice from Remus Lupin, but I have the insanity to go with the 'stache! WHICH OF YOU MADE THE EVIL FIREWORKS?! WHICH?!

Harry: ... wait, what?

Hermione: I've read about it! It means that those weren't the KKK. They were Death Eaters-- all of this series' minor villains!

Harry: Wait! I saw someone over there.

Barty Crouch: Let's not bother to question this further. Ministry of Magic Squad, away!

*Harry stares dramatically at the camera, and we skip more time until the main trio is chilling on the train*

Trolley Lady: Anybody want a sugar high?

Cho: I would!

Harry: *drools*

Trolley Lady: And you? Would you like something sweet?

Harry: Cho's ass.

Trolley Lady: What?

Harry: Um... I mean... nothing.

Hermione: How can the Ministry not know who made the evil fireworks?

Ron: There was lots of security. Just not in that forest.

Harry: ... my head....

Hermione: Write to Sirius. He's messed up in the head just like you. He'll know what to do!

*We see Harry doing just that, clearly not smart enough to realize that writing an escaped convict's real name on the letter is a surefire way to get him caught. Then we skip more time, and now we're into about chapter fifteen*

Hagrid: *stands right in the middle of the runway* Clear the runway! *nearly gets killed by a giant Pegasus-drawn carriage*

Flying Dutchman: *bubbles up from the lake* You owe us your soul, Hogwarts-AH.

Dumbledore: Hey everybody! We have houseguests this year! Isn't that groovy?

Filch: *gallops up to Dumbledore and gallops way. The audience bursts into fits of giggles*

Audience: Hehehe! Arthritis!

Dumbledore: We're going to have the Triwizard Tournament this year. We're going to pit three rival schools against each other because this won't have any negative repercussions. Now, let's welcome the sparkly butterfly ladies of Bo-Battins!

Audience: You speak Mermish, but you can't pronounce French properly? It's pronounced Bo-Baton!

*Apparently, Beauxbatons is made up entirely of slutty girls even though JKR said that there were boys. It is revealed that Ron is, indeed, a hormonal teenage boy*

Ron: Damn, those are fine pieces of ass....

Madame Maxime: In case you haven't noticed... I'm huge.

Hagrid: I think I'm in love.... *heart*

The New Flitwick: You'd think I'd be showing more pain considering a fork just went through my hand into the freaking table.

Dumbledore: And now, the choreographers will show off with the fiery scary boys of the incredibly ominously named Durmstrang Institute of Sturm and Drang!

*The Durmstrang guys bang sticks in the air and blow shit up. It is worth noting that every single one of them except for their headmaster is smoking hot*

Ron: OMG, Harry! It's Krum! *squees*

Viktor Krum: *glances over at Hermione*

Ron: *fangirls*

Dumbledore: That was lovely choreography, made all the better by the fact that it was totally unnecessary! And now for some backstory. If you win this tournament, you pretty much rock, but if you don't, you'll probably die. Sorry.

*Suddenly, the bewitched ceiling manages to shoot a bolt of lightning at the innocent students because Dumbledore didn't realize that making the ceiling reflect the weather outside EXACTLY was a really, really bad idea. Fortunately, some pirate dude with a peg leg and the most pimpin' eyepatch ever stops it from deep frying some Hufflepuffs*

Ron: Holy crap, it's Mad-Eye Moody!

Hermione: I've read about him! He was the greatest pirate the Ministry of Magic has ever seen!

Ron: Yeah, then he got deserted on an island, drank way too much rum, and went crazy.

Hermione: No, Ronald, that was Jack Sparrow.

Ron: Stop calling me Ronald. Seriously.

Moody: Yaaar. *We get a really cool view of Harry courtesy of the camera's newest mode-- Pimpin' Eyepatch Eye View*

Dumbledore: AH LUV YEEEEEW, PIRATE DOOD!

Moody: Yaar. Bewitchin' the ceilin' be a bad idea. *drinks from the non-so-secret stash of booze at his side*

Barty Crouch: *talks like a preacher* You can only go into the tournament of mass suicide if you're seventeen. The rest of you have too much life left to live.

Fred and George: B-b-but... we wanted to be awesome, too!

Dumbledore: Too bad-- no one wants you to have screentime.

Girls in the Audience: We do!

Dumbledore: In case you didn't get it the first four times, if, by some miracle, you manage to survive this tournament, you are the ghetto shit and you'll be worshipped forever. This is a chance for people besides the main hero to get some glory for once. Hint hint wink wink nudge nudge, say no more. And now, the plot shall... BEGIN!

*Or we can just go to Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, now known as Piracy 101*

Moody: Yaaar. I be Moody, and ye be goin' to learn about how t' be a pirate. One, drink rum. Lots of rum. Two, have a peg leg and a pimped out eyepatch. And thirdly... don't do any o' the things I'm about to teach ye. These evil spells are the most secret ways of bein' ninjas... which is bad. BAD! You with the red hair! Tell me one!

Ron: Um... the Imperius Curse?

Moody: Correct! Time for a comic relief scene!

*He makes a freaking huge spider dance around the room terrorizing the students, including Draco, Neville, Crabbe, and, of course, Ron the arachnophobe*

Spider: *dangles over Ron's face* Tap dance, bitch!

Moody: People did bad things under that curse. They also lied about being under it, because you can't trust no one when you're a pirate. You with the face! What's another way of the evil ninjas?

Neville: The Cruciatus Curse....

Moody: Whee! Torture! *tortures the freaking huge spider*

Spider: *is actually screaming. How the hell does a spider scream?*

Neville: *cries*

Hermione: STOP IT! I AM TAKING ACTING LESSONS FROM THE SAME PERSON WHO TAUGHT SNAPE AND ELIZABETH SWANN, SO STOP IT!

Moody: *stops it, looking shocked* ... yaar. Do ye know the last one?

Hermione: OF COURSE I DO, BUT I'M NOT TELLING YOU, YOU MONSTER!

Moody: Well, then, I guess I'll just have to be showin' ye. *kills the freaking huge spider dead, and we get a moment of Harry gazing angstily at its corpse. The audience is left to figure out the significance of this on their own.*

Ron: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! I love Moody! Can I be on his epic pirate crew of epicness?

Hermione: SHUT UP, RONALD! I'M NOT DONE FREAKING OUT ABOUT WHAT HE DID TO NEVILLE!

*We see Neville being sad and adorable, but before the Idiot Squad can say anything, Pirate Man limps through*

Moody: Yaaar. How bout a cup 'o rum-- er, tea in me office?

*There is poignant imagery starring a random, well-placed stained glass window where it's conveniently raining, and then we're in a badly lit room with the title of the movie perched in the middle*

Cedric: *wanders onscreen in a drug-infused stupor*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: OMG! IT'S EDWAAAAAARD! *hearts*

My Voice: *gags violently*

Cedric: Heh. Burning cup. Cool. *drops his name into the goblet absentmindedly, then drifts off to find more weed*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: WE LOVE YOU, EDWARD!

My Voice: Will you idiots get out of my parody?! This is a Harry Potter fic! His name is Cedric! Shut the hell up!

*Before the girls who haven't got the brains to figure out that real vampires burn in the sunlight can open their stupid mouths, the twins of awesome appear*

Everybody: *cheers because Fred and George rock*

Fred: We've taken aging potions! Yay!

George: Grovel before our brilliance.

Hermione: Please. You can't possibly be brilliant-- you're not me.

Fred: Doesn't mean anything.

George: Yeah, look! We're in close contact with you!

Fred: Breathing your air--

George: And letting you bask in the glow of our prettiness!

Hermione: Shut up and get on with your stupidity.

Fred and George: Righto! *they jump over the line, make weird noises, and prepare to drop their name into the flaming cup. Unfortunately, it can't handle their sexiness, and they fly out, now resembling Santa Claus* Dammit! We're not hot any more!

*They beat the shit out of each other before everything goes silent as the Hot Bulgarian Squad enters to fill that void. Viktor Krum, the leader, glares meaningfully at Hermione*

Ron: *fangirls*

*Viktor totally cold-shoulders him, drops his name into the flaming cup, and leaves, followed by the rest of the sexiness that is Durmstrang. Seriously, I want to go to that school. The dudes there are DELICIOUS*

*That night, everyone is gathered in the Great Hall, and hippie Dumbledore is monologuing again*

Dumbledore: In case you've forgotten, this tournament makes you awesome! The superfantabulous guy from Durmstrang, School of Insanely Hot Men, is Viktor Krum, the only named character from that school!

*The insanely hot men cheer, and a FRICKIN' FLOWER comes out of the goblet. WTF. Who the hell writes their name on a frickin' flower?! *

Dumbledore: The champion of Bo-Battins is that chick over there with the huge nose who wrote on a frickin' flower-- Fleur Delacour!

Fleur: I am really not as pretty as I was described in the books. But I have been chosen! C'est magnifique!

Dumbledore: And the champion for our school is Edward Cullen!

My Voice: HIS NAME IS CEDRIC DIGGORY, GODDAMMIT!!!

Dumbledore: Right, that's what I said!

Cedric: *puffs his weed* Heh. Cool.

Dumbledore: So! Time to go through this speech yet again!

Goblet of Fire: Oh, please, dear God, shut up. *spews another name*

Dumbledore: Harry Potter? HARRY POTTER?! *fumes*

Harry: What. The. Hell.

Disembodied Voice: I don't like you!

Disembodied Voice #2: I don't like you either!

*Harry walks into a room, closely followed by Dumbledore and his Apoplectic Rage*

Dumbledore: *violently shakes Harry* HARRY @#$*&#$ POTTER! DID YOU ENTER THE TOURNAMENT OF AWESOME? DID YOU HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE ENTER YOU IN THE TOURNAMENT OF AWESOME? HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET? DO YOU LIKE KNITTING PATTERNS?!

Harry: *freaked out* Don't shake the baby! Don't shake the baby!

Madame Maxime: I am displeased about all zis!

Moody: I know entirely too much about all this, but it's not suspicious. I be a pirate. Pirates know all.

Karkaroff: I do not like Moody, but my accent is awesome enough to make up for the fact that I am not as amazingly gorgeous as my students!

Barty Crouch: And the rules say that Potter has to compete even though that's breaking another rule. We all know I'm totally going to lose sleep over this, but I can't help it any more than I can help speaking so disjointedly.

*There is yet another dramatic shot of Harry's face, and we move into the same room, only later. Dumbledore appears to be in the middle of worshipping the porcelain gods*

McGonagall: All of a sudden, I'm incredibly concerned about Harry's safety even though I've never really cared before! Watch me freak out in a Scottish accent.

Snape: Screw Potter. I want to see what happens next, and if he dies, who cares?

McGonagall: WTF?! I'm about to have a conniption and you're offering him up as bait to evil wizards unknown?

Dumbledore: Relax, Minerva. He's the hero of this franchise. If he couldn't survive this movie, there wouldn't be four more after it. Pirate man, spy on him without anyone knowing.

Moody: *thinking* Hehe, my evil plan is all coming together.... *out loud* Aye.

*Something silver falls out of Dumbledore's ear. As it falls down the giant glowing toilet, we move on to the boys' dormitory*

Ron: I'm going to sulk childishly in your general direction!

Harry: Ron. I didn't do any of this. I didn't ask for more people to stare at me. I didn't ask to be manhandled by Dumbledore as he started acting ridiculously out of character.

Ron: I don't care. I'm getting some dignity at last by being mad at you!

*Ron is adorable when he's emo, but there's no time for that. Suddenly, the evil psychobitch from Sleepy Hollow appears onscreen*

Rita Skeeter: Hello small children! I'm going to grope all of you now in the name of journalism! Come on, Harry, you first!

*She yanks Harry off into a small, secluded cupboard away from anybody else's eyes*

Harry: Um... creepy lady? Why are we in a broom cupboard?

Rita Skeeter: You've spent most of your life in the closet. You should be used to this by now. Anyway, let's proceed to get your age wrong for comedy's sake. Do you mind if I heavily insult you and call you a psychopath?

Harry: Yes!!!

Rita Skeeter: Too bad.

*She does so, and we cut to an owl flying around the Owlery*

Sirius's Voice: Harry-- I would be delighted to show up in a cameo of no real significance so I can explain stuff you already know. See you then. By the way, don't touch my owl.

Harry: Well, that would have been nice to know before it bit my finger off.

*Cut to the Gryffindor common room later. Harry picks up a newspaper that proceeds to repeat all of Rita Skeeter's lines. He throws it in the general direction of the fire, but misses*

Sirius: Wow. As soon as I get my name cleared, we have got to work on your hand-eye coordination.

Harry: Sirius...? Holy crap. That's got to be the worst CGI I've ever seen.

Sirius: No kidding. Now all the fangirls will be making cracks about how I'm flaming. Anyway, I'm going to ask you this now-- did you enter this tournament?

Harry: FOR GOD'S SAKE, NO! NOW WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP ASKING ME THAT?!

Sirius: All right, all right! Save your Caps-Lock of Rage for the next movie. You're going to die.

Harry: I thought you were supposed to be comforting me.

Sirius: Well, what am I supposed to do, lie? The guy with the awesome accent whose entire school is hot works for Voldemort.

Harry: I knew no one the Authoress thinks is hot in this series could possibly be a good guy. Weasleys excepted.

Sirius: Oh, yeah, and Barty Crouch sent his own son to Azkaban.

Harry: This wouldn't happen to be significant in your own life, would it?

Sirius: Of course it is, but we won't bother explaining it. The movie series has no time for trivial things like my backstory. Have I mentioned you're going to die?

Harry: Suddenly this seems much more scary than it did the last twenty times it was mentioned!

Sirius: Too bad!

*Ominous footsteps sound*

Sirius: *mumbles something about Harry's friends as he vanishes*

Ron: Were you, perchance, having a conversation with some terrible CGI just now?

Harry: Why do you care? Poopiehead!

Ron: Booger breath!

*This goes on as it usually does because the Authoress has no creativity for lame insults. We head off to the side of the lake*

Neville: Amazing! Amazing! I actually have screentime and dignity in this movie!

Harry: Shut up, Neville. You're only here so I'm not lonely. Might that book you're reading come in handy later on?

Neville: I don't know, maybe. The pirate gave it to me.

Hermione: Harry! You're hanging out with someone who isn't me and shoving me offscreen! Oh yeah, and Ronald wants me to tell you that Seamus told him that Dean was told by Parvati that Santa Claus told the Easter Bunny that the Tooth Fairy was told by David Bowie that Mickey Mouse told Rocky and Bullwinkle that George Bush said to Bugs Bunny that Hagrid's looking for you.

Audience: *heads spin*

Harry: WTF? Anyway, tell Ron that--

Hermione: I AM NOT AN OWL!

Audience: O RLY?

Hermione: YA RLY!

Audience: NO WAI!

*Later that night, Hagrid and Harry are walking through the Dark/Forbidden/Whatever the Hell it's Called In This One Forest*

Harry: Hagrid, when did you ask me to come with you?

Hagrid: That scene was cut, Harry, but this is still important. Besides, I need emotional support for my date. Now get invisible, she's coming!

*Harry gets invisible, and Madame Maxime comes out*

Hagrid: *utterly fails at speaking French*

Madame Maxime: I am so horny right now. Just listen to ze lust in my voice.

Hagrid: Just wait and see what I'm going to show you.

*Harry gags violently, as does the audience. There's not much time for that, though, thank God, because Godzilla has returned, now with legs and the ability to breathe lots and lots of fire. Oh, yeah, and did I mention there's four of them?*

Madame Maxime: 'Oly sheet. I am going to go closer because zat won't get me killed.

Harry: Dragons?! Are they trying to kill me?!

Hagrid: You haven't gotten that yet? Dumbledore's only mentioned it about six hundred times. But really, they won't kill you that much. Except maybe that big spiky one the camera keeps zooming in on. Who knows? It might even become important later.

Harry: I hate my life.

*In the courtyard the next day, everyone still hates Harry as he approaches Cedric and his friends, who are all smoking pot. Again. The Twilight fans squeal*

Audience Who's Read the Books: Holy crap, they left the Potter Stinks badges in?! We sticklers for detail have hope for the future!

Harry: Cedric!

Cedric: *puffs his weed* 'Sup?

Harry: We're all going to have to fight big mean dragons that could kill us in about thirty seconds.

Cedric: ... crap. Do Fleur and Krum know?

Harry: Of course they do! Otherwise I'd be telling them, too.

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: What? When did Krum find out?

Audience Who Has Read the Books: *sigh in annoyance and explain*

Cedric: Guess I'll have to be sober for this one. Damn.

*He leaves, and Ron shows up*

Harry: In case you've forgotten, I'm still mad at you.

Ron: Me too!

Harry: Meanie pants!

Ron: Lizard lips!

Audience: Jesus Christ, will you shut up already?

Draco: *sitting up in a tree* Look, everyone! Diggory isn't the only pretty boy who grows on a tree! Oh, and by the way, my dad's an asshole and he doesn't like you.

Harry: My insults absolutely suck, especially because I can't insult Lucius without the Authoress devouring me whole.

My Voice: Yum, freshly baked hero!

*Draco takes offense to this for some reason and tries to curse Harry. Unfortunately, there is a pirate in the area and he is displeased*

Moody: Yaaar! Take that, ye ninja scum! *turns Draco into a ferret*

Audience Who's Read the Books: Is that... It can't be... it is! The best scene in the book actually made it into the movie in tact! *squee*

*Moody bounces the ferret around and Crabbe finally gets Draco in his pants*

McGonagall: What is all this merriment? You all look much too happy-- JESUS H. CHRIST, IS THAT A STUDENT?

Moody: No, this be clearly a ferret. Yaar.

McGonagall: We never hurt people at Hogwarts, even if he is a slimy little brat!

Draco: I'm going to tell my daddy on you! He'll beat you with the power of his shiny hair!

McGonagall: Don't ever do that again! No comedy in this movie!

Moody: *immaturely sticks his tongue out at McGonagall* Come with me, hero.

Harry: Every time an adult tells me to go somewhere alone with them, I come dangerously close to getting either killed or molested... what the hey! *follows Moody*

Moody: There be shiny things in this room. Keeps the ninjas away. Now, how be ye gettin' past that there dragon?

Harry: No idea.

Moody: By the way, ye be going to die in this tournament. Diggory can screw with your head and get ye high off the air around him. I think I just called meself a fairy princess in reference to Delacour. Krum be takin' advice from Karkaroff, and he's better looking than you. What be ye good at?

Harry: Destroying Dark Lords, whining, making incredibly stupid choices... oh, yeah, and I can fly.

Moody: There ye go! Fly past it with the power of yer wand and a spell we won't be botherin' to introduce beforehand!

*We pan into a huge stadium, then into the waiting tent. It's time to kick some dragon ass!*

Harry: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG....

Hermione: Harry. I haven't been onscreen for a while, and I'm here to fix that. Want to feed the shippers?

Harry: ... um....

Hermione: *glomps Harry*

Rita Skeeter: Aha! Pumpkin Pie! Call us delusional now, JKR!

My Voice: Maybe not delusional, especially in the movieverse, but you're annoying as hell.

Viktor Krum: Guess vot? I can speak! Leave now. The girl is mine.

Rita Skeeter: Well, fine. But you know we're right, really. *leaves*

Dumbledore: Hey, guys! It's time to start the first event... Granger, how did you get into this scene?

Hermione: I should be in every scene! By the way, you might want to consider better security than a rope. *leaves*

*Barty Crouch offers everybody living figurines of their dragons while making really weird noises and facial expressions. Really, who goes "Oooooh!" to a big, sexy, eighteen-year-old Bulgarian?*

Harry: I love how the girl has the easiest and I have the most vicious. Way to prioritize, guys.

Barty Crouch: So, the task is to get the shiny golden egg, and try not to die. Have fun!

*Filch blows things up, and the task begins. No one bothers to show the other three champions, because they're not important, but finally it's Harry's turn*

Mike Newell: Hey, this scene is only one page long! That's not enough time to show off our special effects! The hell with canon!

*That tiny little one page scene goes on for TEN MINUTES. The dragon blows shit up and manages to destroy half the school. The students in the stadium twiddle their thumbs after both Harry and the dragon leave. Finally, finally, FINALLY, Harry catches the egg*

Audience: It's about bloody time. We didn't have time for Fleur or Krum to have more than one line each. Winky, Bagman, SPEW, the Quidditch World Cup, and Sirius's backstory all got cut, but we had time to make this scene ridiculously long? Way to prioritize....

*Anyway, the whole Gryffindor common room is fangirling over Harry's golden egg, and the twins still rock*

Harry: Let's open it! It's probably filled with chocolate!

*Nope. But there is a recording of Hannah Montana trying to sing inside, and the entire common room claps their hands over their ears*

Audience: Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!

*Harry has mercy on us, and makes it stop*

Ron: Bloody hell. Sounds like the next task is a Hannah Montana concert-- they really are trying to kill you!

Harry: So, we're friends again?

Ron: Of course!

Harry: I love you, man!

*They hug*

Hermione: Honestly. Can no one in this series do a man-hug that doesn't set off the slash fangirls?

*The next morning, they're sitting at breakfast. Cho makes eye contact with Harry. Harry spews orange juice all down his front*

Audience: Really smooth, Harry.

Hermione: I don't believe this! Rita Skeeter wrote a horrible H/Hr fanfic in the newspaper!

Harry: Let's not let it bother us now. It's only a plot point.

Nigel: Hi, Mr. Weasley! I have a package for you!

Audience: Who the hell is that kid?!

Ron: His name's Nigel. He's the movieverse's official OC.

Audience: Why not just make him Dennis Creevey?

Mike Newell: Canon's not important! Haven't you people figured that out by now?!

Ron: I love getting presents! It's just like Christmas! *opens it* ... it's a dress. Ginny, I think the owls delivered this to the wrong Weasley.

Ginny: Our family might not have the best fashion sense, but I'm not wearing that!

Hermione: They're dress robes for you. I've read about it.

Ron: Please, dear God, let the next parcel that comes for me contain some dignity. Why can I never have any dignity?

McGonagall: This movie doesn't have enough teenage angst, so we're going to add a new element-- a school dance!

Boys: Goddammit....

Girls: *squee!*

McGonagall: But you're not allowed to have too much fun. Don't you dare embarrass me by acting like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons!

Fred and George: *rock*

McGonagall: Now, don't worry! I'll teach you all how to dance for the sake of comic relief.

Audience Who's Read the Book: This isn't in the book!

McGonagall: Silence! All the girls are dirty birds who love to attack you, and all the boys are prancing lions.

Boys: What kind of a lion prances?!

McGonagall: Weasley! You've had too much dignity in the past five minutes. Come up here and let me fix that.

Ron: I hate my life....

Fred and George: *snicker*

Neville: *dances happily around and is about the most adorable thing ever to exist in the history of the universe*

*Cue teenage angst!*

Harry: How can I possibly get a date? *whines*

Ron: Harry. You're a hero. You can automatically get any girl you want with a snap of your fingers. I'm the one who has it bad here!

Hagrid: And now for a scene that was once important. I'm a half-giant! Isn't that wonderful!

Madame Maxime: Just as wonderful as ze delicious treats to be found in your beard. *munches*

Viktor Krum: *walks to the lake without his shirt. Needless to say, he picks up an entourage of stalkers*

Ron: Okay, how did we manage to be the only ones without dates?

Snape: I don't have one either, you little swine. My soul resides in a black pit of misery. *slaps Ron*

Ron: Actually, I'm sure Neville doesn't have one, either, so it's okay

Hermione: He does, actually. You can't be as drop dead adorable as he is and not have someone pity you.

Ron: Hey, you're a girl!

Hermione: Okay, first of all, that's the worst pick-up line I've ever heard. Secondly, I have someone, too! *storms off in a whirl of raging hormones*

*Snape lays the smackdown on both of them, and it's hilarious. We all knew Harry needed someone to whack him upside the head! We then cut to the Owlery*

Cho: Harry! Hi! I'm the only Irish-Chinese person on the planet.

Harry: Will you come to the ball with me?

Cho: I'm sorry, Harry, I'm going with Edward Cullen! He sparkles, you know. That makes him the most amazing man in the universe!

Harry: The fact that he has no personality except for the stalker tendencies doesn't bother you?

Cho: Harry, weren't you listening? He sparkles! That's much more important!

*Harry walks away underneath a cloud of epic fail. When he gets to the common room, he finds a bigger one over Ron*

Ron: WILL I EVER BE ALLOWED DIGNITY?! WHY? WHY?!

Ginny: Well, that's what you get for asking a girl out based on her ass alone!

Patil Twins: Hello, Harry! We're just two identical twin girls who look nothing alike and happen to be walking past you. We don't have dates, either!

Harry: ... isn't one of you supposed to be in Ravenclaw?

Mike Newell: Ravenclaw? What the hell is Ravenclaw? There's only two Houses, right?

*The Authoress bangs her head repeatedly against the wall as the scene changes to the dormitories, where Ron is getting dressed*

Ron: Have I mentioned how much I hate my life? You get a nice James Bond-type tuxedo, and I look like I raided a florist's just to make mine!

*They head downstairs. The Patil twins are dressed exactly alike, and the costume designers have once again completely ignored the books*

Padma: What the hell are you wearing?

Ron: *cries*

McGonagall: Oh, yeah, by the way, Potter, you have no choice whether or not to dance.

Harry: *cries*

*Suddenly, Hermione enters, wearing this... thing made of enormous puke pink ruffles*

Audience Who's Read the Books: *switch into homicidal rage mode* IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FLOATY AND BLUE!!!

Hermione: I love pink. It's all I ever wear! Why should any girl ever wear a different color?

Parvati: She's beautiful!

Harry: Just like every other scene she's been in since Chamber of Secrets!

Mike Newell: Yeah, we didn't do a very good job of getting the point of this scene, did we?

Viktor Krum: Ha, score.

Audience: Pfft, not really. Just wait until she starts talking.

*And now for a choreographed dance sequence. Hagrid's hand keeps "accidentally" slipping to Madame Maxime's ass, but that's not the most disturbing part of this number. Filch is dancing with his cat. HIS FREAKING CAT. Anybody wondering where I got the idea for the Filch/Mrs. Norris stuff in the CoS parody? Yeah. This is where*

Filch: Oh, Mrs. Norris, I love you so.

Mrs. Norris: Meow.

Filch: Someday we'll be together and move to a nice house in the country and have ugly little half-kitten, half-baby children....

Mrs. Norris: Meow!

Moody: *is sitting, humming half-sanely to himself* Yaar. Thar be nothin' like love to make me pimpin' eyepatch happy. Don't ye think so, Mr. Fluffles?

Random Ferret in Moody's Lap: *ferret noises*

*Suddenly, a blatant advertisement for the soundtrack starts. I can understand why the full song was cut, but seriously, if you actually listen to it, it FREAKING ROCKS. Anyway, an organized ball becomes a giant mosh pit rather like a Muggle school dance, but Harry, Ron, and the Patil twins are off to the side*

Padma: You know what? This music doesn't require partners.

Parvati: Yeah, screw you two. We're off to jump around like psychos to awesome music.

*They leave. Harry and Ron keep sulking. Hermione comes over as another song starts, equally awesome*

Hermione: I love my life! Dances are so much fun!

Ron: You can't fraternize with the enemy! He's from Durmstrang-- he's too good-looking for you!

Hermione: Ron, there's a green-eyed monster sitting on your head.

Ron: I don't like Viktor Krum anymore! He's a big fat meanie head!

Audience: And you still don't like Ron/Hermione?

My Voice: Just because it's technically canon doesn't mean I have to like it. Ron/Luna forever!

*Later on, there is more teenage drama*

Ron: He's too old for you!

Hermione: Too bad, Ronald, I love him! Or as close to love as a fourteen-year-old can get! You're a horrible jerk, taking my girlish fantasies and crushing them into nothingness! I have nothing left to live for now! How could you give them a chance to exploit my teenage rage and horrible acting skills?! *plunks onto the stairs, taking her shoes off for no real reason*

Harry: Um... Hermione....

Hermione: RAAAAR! PMS!!!

Harry: ... meep! *runs away*

*For those of us who actually came to see a fantasy movie instead of a crappy teenage drama, we're back in the dark house of death*

Voldemort: Let me see it again.

*There is the sound of fabric being removed from Barty Crouch, Jr.'s... arm! God, what were you thinking? Perverts!*

Voldemort: Aha! And we move ever closer to the climax!

*Harry wakes up, and Neville is coming in, still dancing at dark o' clock in the morning*

Neville: Harry! Wow, I've just had the best night of my life! I've just got in from the ball!

Girls in the Audience: Awwww!

*We move to the bridge of random*

Harry: So, how are things with Krum?

Hermione: Pretty boring, actually. He doesn't speak much.

Audience Who's Read the Books: This. Is. Not. Krum.

Hermione: What, you'd think that just because I have a boyfriend now means I'll let someone else talk? By the way, has anyone ever told you that you could die in this tournament?

Harry: ARGH.

Cedric: *wanders by in a cloud of pot smoke*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: SQUEEE! IT'S EDWARD!

My Voice: Rrrgh....

Cedric: Woah. How'd I get here? Oh well. Potter, I've got a message for you. If you get wet and naked, it'll help you solve the egg.

Harry: Cedric... are you trying to hit on me?

*He does so, though, in the sweetest bathroom ever*

Audience: Harry's a bit flabby for a Quidditch star, isn't he?

*Harry opens the egg in the bath....*

Hannah Montana: You get the BEEEEEST of both worlds! Chillin' out, take it slow, then you rock out the show!

Harry: MAKE IT STOP!!!

Moaning Myrtle: Hi, Harry! Put it in the water. It helps. *dives underwater when Harry does, but she's not looking at the egg*

Mermaids: Other people are going to die now, tooooo.... They can only be saved by yoooooou.....

Harry: Good, Miley Cyrus stopped singing. But I'm totally shocked that I'm about to face imminent death again!

Moaning Myrtle: So, Harry, ever wondered what sex with a forty-year-old virgin would be like?

Harry: ... gotta go!

Harry Fangirls in the Audience: Dammit, we were looking forward to that scene and she just ruined it!

*And now we're in the library with Hermione. She still won't shut up, and Ron's off to the side, as usual*

Hermione: The library must have the answers! There's nothing reading can't solve, nothing!

Harry: I'm DOOOOOOMED!

Moody: *comes out from behind a bookcase* Save the angst and depression for Half Blood Prince. Ye should have figured this out already, dumbass. Now, Weasley, Granger, McGonagall be wantin' ye for the next plot point. Longbottom, since you just so happen to be in the library at some ungodly hour of the night, why don't ye be helpin' Harry?

Neville: I like plants.

Harry: I don't care, idiot, I'm going to die down there!

Neville: No, you're not, in the books that Moody lent me, I read about a plant that can conveniently do everything you need for this task!

Harry: Wow, Hermione's right, reading does solve everything!

Picky People in the Audience: Those were Dobby's lines!

Rest of the Audience Who's Read the Books: Well, it doesn't really take away from anything. Besides, Neville's adorkable! *hearts*

*The next day, everyone is gathered for another exciting change to off students in the name of sport!*

Harry: Are you sure this will help?

Neville: Yep!

Harry: Are you sure you're sure?

Neville: Yep!

Harry: Are you suuuure you're sure you're sure?

Dumbledore: And now it's time for the second task, in which we've endangered people who haven't even asked for it, all of whom are underage, and the champions have to keep them from dying! One for the money! Two for the show! Three because it comes before four....

*Filch blows things up, and Fleur, Krum, and CEDRIC (not Edward) dive in. Harry, on the other hand, stands there like a dumbass*

Moody: Yaar. Ye be an idiot. *shoves the gillyweed into Harry's mouth and pushes him in*

Harry: *flails around like a dying fish for a while, then disappears into the water*

Neville: OMG! I killed Harry Potter!

Audience: You bastard!

My Voice: Heh. Sorry, guys. Couldn't resist.

Flipper-- er, Harry: *flips into the air, and skips through the water on his tail* Where's my sardine?

*There is lots of underwater CGI. Evil octopus things attack Fleur, and she surrenders because she's French*

Random Crowd Member: Why do they insist on making us watch each task? We can't see anything.

Harry finds crudely made mannequins of Ron, Hermione, Cho Chang, and some random blonde chick*

Cedric: *swims through, sober enough for once to recognize Cho and swim off*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: Like, OMG, did you see that? Edward is so strong and brave!

My Voice: All he did was cut a rope and rescue that little crybaby everyone wants to die anyway!

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: *pause* It must be BELLA!

My Voice: Can I kill you all yet?

*Harry sets to rescuing his two friends, but this... thing appears*

Mermaid: How dare you be a hero and have more than one friend?

Harry: ... dude. You are so not Ariel.

Viktor Krum: *utterly fails at human Transfiguration, but manages to save Hermione anyway*

*Harry grabs Ron and the random blonde chick and swims for the surface while the mermaids that are most definitely not Ariel try to eat them.. Unfortunately, the magic octopus tentacles are wearing off and he's blacking out, showing off Daniel Radcliffe's poor acting skills. Finally, with a bit of magic, he does another dolphin flip and gets them up*

Fleur: GABRIELLE! GABRIELLE! ZIS IS A MIRACLE! I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT ZAT DUMBLEDORE WOULD HAVE MADE SURE YOU WERE SAFE!

Gabrielle: Ack! You're smothering me, Fleur!

Fleur: *big smooches for Harry and Ron*

Harry: What the hell did you do?

Ron: Hell if I know, but I'm gonna get lucky tonight!

Hermione: Keep dreaming, Ron.

Dumbledore: Edward Cullen wins for sparkling and being the first one to actually complete the task.

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: WE LOVE YOU, EDWARD!!!

Dumbledore: Second place goes to Harry, just because he's the hero!

Cedric: So basically, only Harry can win this tournament.

Dumbledore: Pretty much, yeah. And no one really cares about the other two anyway.

Ron: Must be nice to be the hero and have it turn out good even when you majorly screw up.

Fred and George: Moral fiber-- part of every balanced hero cycle!

Barty Crouch: Would you, perchance, care to walk with me in the middle of the woods in the dead of night?

Harry: Sure! It's been too long since I've followed a guy with a Hitler mustache like a lost puppy!

Barty Crouch: So, I, like everyone else on the planet, have been stalking you since you were a year old. I know how much your life sucks, really.

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: What's he talking about?

Audience Who Has Read the Books: *sigh in annoyance and explain*

Moody: Yaar, Barty. I know ye be tryin' to make Potter a ninja. *lizard tongue*

Barty Crouch: Curses, foiled again! ... wait, I know that lizard tongue!

Moody: Damn.

*Later on, Hermione, Ron and Hagrid are all prancing through the forest that's apparently not forbidden this year*

Hagrid: I'm certainly not drunk! Not even a little! We love Harry! We love Harry! HOORAAAAY!

Audience Who's Read the Books: I cannot believe it's taken until the fourth movie for the school song to make it into the movieverse.

*Harry, however, is lumbering behind them being emo, when suddenly he trips over the dead body of Barty Crouch*

Harry: Dammit, why is it that every time I go for a walk with somebody, they end up dead?

*We enter Dumbledore's office, which has gotten a bit of a makeover since CoS*

Dumbledore: Fudge, you're an idiot.

Fudge: No I'm not! I just don't want to admit that there are bad people in the world! I'm not canceling the Tournament just because people are dying! You act as though we didn't expect this!

Dumbledore: It was only students who were supposed to die!

Moody: I be only here to say that Harry Potter be outside the door. My pimpin' eyepatch can see him. Yaar.

Harry: I can come back at a time less convenient to the plot, professor.

Dumbledore: No, that's okay, dear little hero! I'll be glad to finish my political debate so you can come whine at me about things I already know! Oh, and by the way, feel free to eat some of my candy.

Candy: Can we eat him?! OMNOMNOMNOM!

Harry: *getting attacked by evil licorice snaps* Just once, I would like to walk into a room and not get attacked! Just once!

*Suddenly, Dumbledore's giant glowing toilet appears out of a wall. Harry, being the genius he is, sticks his head in and falls, not into a huge puddle of glowing piss, but into a courtroom*

Harry: Well, maybe that wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done.

*The court begins, and Karkaroff is revealed... inside a giant cage filled with pointy things*

Audience: Clearly they don't have laws against cruel and unusual punishment in the Wizarding world.

Barty Crouch: *is not dead in this memory* Tell us what we need to know, and we won't torture you to death.

Karkaroff: Ah, the old "good Auror, bad Auror" routine?

Barty Crouch: Nope. Just the bad Auror.

Karkaroff: Oh, okay. Well, in that case... Rosier!

Barty Crouch: Dead.

Moody: He be the one who gave me this eyepatch.

Karkaroff: Snape!

Dumbledore: I trust him for reasons that will never be fully explained until the end of book seven.

Barty Crouch: Hot diggity, that's good enough for us! There's no way you could be mistaken!

Karkaroff: Your mom!

Barty Crouch: Look, just because there was that one time with Voldemort's giant snake....

Karkaroff: Fine, I'll forgive that one. Oh, yeah and one more.... Barty Crouch....

Rita Skeeter: OH MI GAWD, NO WAI! *gasps dramatically*

Karkaroff: ...

*Tension*

Karkaroff: ......

*More tension*

Karkaroff: .........

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: OMG TELL US ALREADY!

Karkaroff: Junior!

Barty Crouch, Jr: *lizard tongue is going haywire as Aurors drag him out of nowhere* And I'd do it again if I could!

Barty Crouch: You are so disowned.

Dumbledore: Hey! Get out of my toilet!

*Harry does so*

Dumbledore: Time for my usual stuff that sounds really deep but doesn't mean anything relevant.

Harry: By the way, Professor, why does your toilet glow?

Dumbledore: It glows with the power of the backstory that comes out of my ear!

Harry: ... you piss backstory out of your ear?

*Later on, Harry is walking innocently through the hallway, when he hears voices*

Karkaroff: My thing is doing that thing it hasn't done since that other thing happened! You know, the thing with the guy from that place with the stuff?

Snape: Go away, you idiot. Oh, and Potter, I have something to show you. Get in.

Harry: Okay, an older man who I KNOW is suspicious and who I've seen trying to rape several people over the past three and a bit years is trying to lure me into an enclosed space because he has something to show me... okay!

Snape: Don't be vulgar, Potter. Stop stealing from me, or I will poison your ass. Three drops of this would make you tell me everything.

Harry: Yes, sir. Would this perchance be relevant to the plot?

Snape: Maybe later. Now get out of my sight before I start ACTING again.

Harry: ... wait. Why is your storeroom so far away from your classroom?

*This most pertinent of questions is ignored because it's time for the third task!*

Beauxbatons Girls: *do the macarena*

Hogwarts: *suddenly has a marching band*

Durmstrang Hotties: *look sexy in Krum's general direction*

Dumbledore: So, Moody put the Triwizard Cup in the Castle Beyond the Goblin City at the center of the Labyrinth, because he's certainly trustworthy! Now, come here, all of you, I have some last minute stuff to tell you.

Harry: Stupid Authoress, can't keep her mouth shut when she sees a huge maze....

My Voice: I haven't made a single Labyrinth reference this entire parody, and I only have two more major plot points to go before it's over. Do you want me to go into withdrawals?

Dumbledore: Listen up. In this maze, you won't find any giant spiders or sphinxes because the producers are too cheap to animate them...

Audience Who's Read the Books: *grumble*

Dumbledore: ... so instead, you get to battle inner demons. Ignore any worms you meet, don't eat the peaches, and watch out for David Bowie's pants because The Almighty Package might eat you. Now, you have thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before your eternal glory becomes ours forever. Such a pity....

Harry: NIGHTWING! NO ONE IS GOING TO UNDERSTAND THAT SPEECH!

My Voice: SCREW YOU, POTTER! Don't you have a Labyrinth to defeat?

Harry: You're right! Come on, feet! ... dammit, I just did it again.

Cedric: *hugs his father* See you later, dad.

*Everyone in the audience who's read the books bursts into tears. Even the ones who haven't suddenly have a really bad feeling about this*

Harry: Okay, a dwarf, a fox thing, and whatever Ludo's supposed to be would be very helpful around now....

Hedges: Feed me, Delacour!

Fleur: *gets devoured by a freaking bush* Why do I keep failing zees tasks?

Mike Newell: Because you're a girl and girls can't do anything well!

Audience: Does this reek of déjà vu to anyone else?

Alphonso Cuaron: Run, Mike. Run fast and far.

Mike Newell: Oh, shit.... *can't run fast enough to escape the giant angry hoard of fangirls now viciously attacking him*

David Yates: Note to self-- no sexist comments in front of audience.

Viktor Krum: Raar!

Harry: Holy--!!!

Cedric: Harry! I've fought monsters like him in my pot-induced hallucinations! Let me handle this! *disarms Krum*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: OMG, EDWARD, THAT WAS SO COOL!

My Voice: He did the exact same thing as Harry does every time he has to duel!

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: Like, Edward sparkles. He's, like, sooo much cooler.

Cedric: It ends now!

Harry: No, you can't kill him! He's too hot to die! Besides, he's not in his right mind-- can't you see the white film over his eyes?

Cedric: Oh, okay, then.

Hedges: These guys look like plant food to me!

*There is a really long sequence where Harry and Cedric try desperately to outrun the illegitimate lovechild of the Labyrinth and Audrey II. Finally, they see the Cup of Awesome and Win glowing in the distance*

Harry: Take it!

Cedric: No, you take it!

Harry: You!

Cedric: You!

Harry: You!

Cedric: You!

Harry: You infinity!

Cedric: You infinity plus one!

Harry: Wait a minute! We're about to be eaten, so let's both take it!

Cedric: Sure! That won't get either of us killed or maimed in any way!

*They do, and it magically transports them into a big scary graveyard*

Cedric: *laughs* Harry! The cup was a Portkey! *laughs more* Into a graveyard! *giggle*

Harry: Get back to the cup, Cedric!

Cedric: *still laughing* Why? This isn't ominous at all!

Harry: Get back to the Cup, Cedric, yes it is! You really need to lay off the weed!

Voldemort: I'll say. Wormtail, do the honors.

Peter Pettigrew: Avada Kedavra!

*Cedric dies!*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: *scream* OMGNOWAI!!! EDWARD CAN'T DIE, HE'S TOO SPARKLY!!!

My Voice: This isn't Edward, you brainless twits! THEY JUST KILLED HIM! *cackles maniacally*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: *cry hysterically, with much wailing*

Peter Pettigrew: All right, Dark Lord, time for your rejuvenating bath in the Jacuzzi of Evil! *magically pulls some bone out from under the giant angel of death that makes the weirdest headstone ever* Bone of the father... unknowingly given...

Audience Who's Read the Books: You will renew your son!

Peter Pettigrew: Flesh of the servant, willingly given...

Audience Who's Read the Books: You will revive your master!

Peter Pettigrew: *cuts off his own hand* My, that hurt. I'm only mildly inconvenienced, so I'll just snivel some more like I usually do instead of, you know, screaming "AH! MY HAND! MY HAND!" Anywho... Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken....

Audience Who's Read the Books: You will resurrect your foe! Seriously, how much would it have added to the running time if you FINISHED THESE LINES?

Peter Pettigrew: *slits Harry's wrist for him. Harry cries like a little girl despite the fact that he'll be doing the same thing starting in the next book*

*Voldemort steps out of the cauldron. He looks vaguely like a lizard, and is dressed in smoke. Daniel Radcliffe still can't act*

Voldemort: I have returned! Do you know what that means, kiddies whose parents ignored the PG-13 rating? It means that you're going to have nightmares for the rest of the month! And now, I call my terrifying followers!

*All six members of the KKK Apparate in. Seriously. Six*

Voldemort: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE REST OF YOU?! And for that matter, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU SIX?

Luscious Mouthful: Oh, don't worry, we were looking. Really. I couldn't find you under my sofa, so I stopped looking. But I never renounced the old ways! This mask I'm wearing isn't really a mask.

Voldemort: Good, because you're not disguised very well. Seriously, I know your hair is gorgeous and all, but would you like to not shout to the world, "HEY! I'M LUCIUS MALFOY AND I'M A DEATH EATER! ARREST ME!"?

Luscious Mouthful: Hmph. You're just jealous.

Voldemort: *kicks Cedric in the face* And now, for the same exact speech Dumbledore gave at the end of your first year! Unfortunately, there's a catch. I'm now going to assert my extreme power of evil over you... I TOUCH YOUR FOREHEAD!

*He does so, with the stupidest look on his face, and have I mentioned Daniel Radcliffe can't act?*

Voldemort: I'm going to kill you, Harry Potter. I'm going to kill you sometime next Thursday, once I finish my monologue.

Harry: Oh, God, someone make him shut up.

*And now for a lightsaber fight! Darth Voldemort and Harry Skywalker duel to the death, their shiny lightsabers growing out of their wands*

Voldemort: Don't touch him, Death Eaters! I have to finish my monologue first!

*Weird shit happens, like ghosts coming out of the end of Voldemort's lightsaber*

James: Harry, you must stop this Star Wars nonsense and get back to the Portkey.

Cedric: Take my body back, Harry. Take my body back to the fangirls.

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S A VAMPIRE!

Cedric: I love all of you, too. And can I be buried with some weed? The afterlife kinda sucks.

Lily: Let go before Voldemort starts talking again!

*Harry grabs Cedric's body and the Portkey, and they vanish*

Voldemort: No, dammit! I was only a week from killing him! I'll get you yet, Harry Potter!

*Harry slams into the grass in the stadium. People notice that Cedric's dead, and everyone cheers as the marching band plays*

Twilight Fangirls in the Audience: *cry hysterically*

Fleur: Oh, wait! Zis is bad!

*The mood suddenly changes, and everyone starts freaking out. Daniel Radcliffe goes from being a terrible actor to being the worst actor in the history of the universe, ever*

Dumbledore: I don't know why we're surprised, as everyone and their dog as been telling you you're going to die in this tournament.

Harry: *snivelchokesobwhinecry*

Amos: NOOOOOOOOOO! EDWARD!!! I mean, CEDRIC!!! MY SOOOOOOOOON! *rears back and makes this noise that I think is supposed to be a cry of rage, but sounds sort of like a rhinoceros*

Moody: Come on, Potter, we have to get you away from all these witnesses. *drags him off* So, how amazing is the Dark Lord? My bedroom is wallpapered with posters of him, but you actually got to stand in his presence!

Harry: *cries*

Moody: *tries to drink out of his flask* Why is the rum gone?! Er, I mean... how many people were there in that graveyard?

Harry: Wait. The line where I mention the graveyard was cut. And why aren't you talking like a pirate anymore?

Moody: I'm the one who's been trying to kill you all year, Potter!

Harry: Dammit, every single year.... Will I ever get a Defense teacher who's not a raving lunatic?

Audience Who's Read the Books: Nope.

Moody: The Dark Lord was too busy monologuing to kill you, Potter, but now I'm going to do it!

Dumbledore: DENIED! *blasts Moody into a chair and chokes him*

Snape: *dumps an entire bottle of Veritaserum down his throat*

Harry: ... woah. That is way more than three drops.

Dumbledore: WHO THE @#$& ARE YOU?!

Moody: Not Moody. He's over there.

*Dumbledore opens a chest, and Moody is sitting at the bottom of a ten-foot pit in his underwear*

Real Moody: Yaar.

Dumbledore: We'll get you up in a second.

Snape: This isn't rum. It's Polyjuice Potion.

Harry: I told you I was innocent!

Snape: Silence, you accursed little worm. I'll find something else to accuse you of.

*Suddenly, Not Moody begins to twitch and make the weirdest noises ever as his face starts melting. This lasts for far longer than it probably should*

Dumbledore: Holy shit, it's David Tennant!

Harry: Who?

Dumbledore: Exactly.

Barty Crouch, Jr: *and I quote* I'll show you mine if you show me yours!

Harry: Dude, I'm fourteen!

Dumbledore: He means your arm, pervert.

Harry: But he's been jabbing his thumb into my wound for the past ten minutes!

Barty Crouch, Jr: Oh, yeah, and the Dark Lord's back. Yay! *lizard tongue*

Dumbledore: I still don't like you. Go back to Azkaban.

Barty Crouch, Jr: *lizard tongue lizard tongue lizard tongue*

Audience Who Hasn't Read the Books: Wait. I thought Sirius was the only one ever to break out of Azkaban. What happened?

Audience Who Has Read the Books: *sigh in annoyance and explain*

*We move down to the Great Hall*

Dumbledore: Today I have gathered you here to make an incredibly dull speech. The first death of the series occurred last night, but you'd better get used to it because it's just going to keep on happening. He sparkled. He was nice. He didn't smoke that much weed. He made a mean chocolate soufflé....

Cameraman: Man, that speech is boring. Ooh, look! There are dustbunnies on the ceiling!

*Later on, Dumbledore is stalking Harry*

Dumbledore: Hey, Harry. I slept in your bed.

Harry: ... wait, what?

Dumbledore: Before it was your bed of course! Oh, yeah, and I'm sorry I almost killed you several times this year.

Harry: Just don't make a habit out of it.

Dumbledore: ... right.... Anyway, that lightsaber fight was important, but I won't bother explaining. And don't forget that you have friends, so don't get too emo next year.

Harry: ... right....

*The next day, the Beauxbatons sluts and the Durmstrang sexies are leaving*

Viktor Krum: *holds a piece of paper out to Hermione* Call me!

Fleur: *smooches for Ron* I will be your sister-in-law eventually. Get used to this.

Ron: Shouldn't be a problem.

*The Trio walk away*

Ron: So, do you think we'll ever have a quiet year at Hogwarts?

Hermione: Of course not, idiot, who would pay eight dollars to see that?!

Harry: Even worse would be the people who'd pay thirty dollars for the book.

Hermione: Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

Audience: No shit, Sherlock, Voldemort's back!

Some Freak In the Audience: Don't say the name!

Rest of the Audience: *give her weird looks*

Hermione: Can I trust two fifteen-year-old boys to write?

Harry and Ron: Hell no!

*Hogwarts is pretty, and we fade out on that note. The end!*

Winky, Ludo Bagman, Beetle!Rita Skeeter, Hermione's SPEW Badges, and the Sphinx: What the hell was that?!arHarry: Cedric: