The Final Frontier

Star Trek: Harry Potter

"Space. It is the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilization. To boldly go where no man has gone before. Doooo, do, do, do, do, do, do! Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do--"

"Thank you, Mr. Potter," said Professor Binns one day. "But I don't see what this has to do with Hippogriff Attacks in 1456."

"Let me finish the theme song!" said Harry. "Do, do, do, do, do, do, da, da, da, da!"

The class stood in silence.

"Well?" asked Harry. "Where's my applause?"

"You don't get any!" yelled Binns. "You lose! Good day, sir!"

"Fine!" yelled Harry back. "I'm not giving you any more steroids!"

***

"Binns is such a poo poo head!" said Harry.

"What?" asked Ron. "I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

"Harry, I couldn't see what the theme song to Star Trek had to do with the Hippogriff Attacks either."

Harry started crying.

"Don't cry!" said Hermione.

"I don't cry," said Harry, sticking his chest to the sun. "I'm a man!"

"You cried just three seconds ago!"

Harry started crying again. "Don't make fun of me!"

"I'm not making fun of you!"

"You just said it! You said "I'm mumble-mumble making fun of you!"

"Don't tease Harry, Hermione." said Ron.

"I thought you were deaf!" Hermione said.

"I am sucka!" said Ron. "Now write it down next time- I'm deaf ya know."

"OH, SNAP!" yelled Harry all-too suddenly.

"What, Harry?" asked Hermione.

"I LEFT MY STUFF IN BINNS' ROOM!" He ran for the third floor.

***

When he got to Binns' class an hour later, he grabbed his fake Star Trek communicator and books while watching Binns snuff some coke.

Suddenly, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and Bob Vila were transported many years into the future.

They found themselves on starship Enterprise.

"Where are we?" asked Hermione for once.

"My hair!" said Malfoy like always.

"No!" said Harry for once. "We're on Starship Enterprise!"

"What?" asked Ron like always for once. "I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!"

One of the doors opened and a fat old man, a skinny old man, and an old man with pointy ears came out.

"Ah... it's... Harry Potter!" said the fat one.

"He's dead Jim!" said the skinny one, going over to check Harry's pulse.

"Live long and prosper!" said the pointy eared one.

"What's going on?" asked Hermione.

"My hair." answered Malfoy.

"We... have... sent for... you," said the fat one. "I'm... Jim Kirk!"

"I'm Leonard McCoy," said the skinny one. "'Bones' is what everyone else calls me, though."

"And you're Spock!" said Harry.

"Seems logical, captain." said Spock.

"What do you mean, 'you sent for us'?" asked Hermione, asking more questions than Harry and Ron put together.

"We... are... in... horrible danger!" said Kirk. "We... need... Harry Potter's..."

"Yes?"

"..."

"You need Harry's what?"

"..."

"I think he needs my Harry's hair!" said Malfoy.

"..."

"What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!" yelled Ron.

"... help!" Jim finished, looking at everyone's odd looks. "What?"

All of a sudden, a Klingon came through the door.

"ROAR!" said the Klingon. "I'm a Klingon coming through the door!"

Okay...

"Avada Kedavra!" said Harry, killing the Klingon.

All of a sudden, a whole bunch of Romulans and Vulcans came through the door.

"ROAR!" they said. "We are Romulans and Vulcans coming through the door!"

This is weird...

"Avada Kedavra!" said Harry, killing the Romulans and Vulcans.

"This... is... what I... mean!" said Jimmy. "He... can... kill something... very... quickly!"

"What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!" said Ron.

All of a sudden, a hot woman came through the door.

"ROAR!" she said. "I'm a hot woman coming through the door!"

That's it, this story is going nowhere.

All of a sudden, Spider-Bat and his hot girlfriend, Jamie Lynn Spears came though the door.

"ROAR!" Jamie said. "I'm Spider-Bat's hot--"

"I think they get the point," said Spidey. "Wazzup, doggs?"

"My hair!" said Malfoy.

"Yo momma!" said Harry.

"What? I can't hear you! I think I'm deaf!" said Ron.

"I have a migraine!" said Hermione.

"Nothing... much... homie... G!" said Jim.

"He's dead, Jim!" said Bones.

"LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!" yelled Spock.

"Hey, Spidey!" said Harry. "What happened to Emma?"

"Oh, she just decided to go have a relationship with Dan," said Spidey. "I met Jamie Lynn in Kansas where I was battling Bazzaro."

"Oh, okay," said Harry, who had been checking out Jamie Lynn the whole time. "So why did Emma go out with Bazzaro?"

All of a sudden, some Fiction Alley moderators came in. They were holding billy clubs and mean looks.

"I'm officer Mod," said one. "I'm here to arrest Spider-Bat."

"Why?" asked Harry.

"Because he violated Law 4356786445," said Deputy Dom. "'No author on FA shall make Ron say the same thing over in over in the same fic where Hermione gets a migraine."'

"Gad, dummit!" said Spidey. "I knew this fic had something wrong with it!"

Officer Mod dragged Spider-Bat away while Deputy Dom was whacking Ron, Malfoy, and Harry in the head to make them normal.

"Okay," said Officer Dom. "It's time to erase your memories. I'm going to use the memory spell, okie dokie?"

They all nodded, except Jamie Lynn, who wanted Spidey back.

"Obliviate!"

4/8/05