Interruptions, Part Three

Ron

Why do they insist on loading us down with homework so that the only way that we can take it back to the common room is to make three trips to each class?

Hermione

Calm down, Ron. It wasn't that much.

Harry

Says little Miss Genius over here...

Hermione

Ha, ha. Really. All we have to do is three inches for McGonagall, two for Binns, and one for charms. It really isn't that hard.

Ron

You're forgetting to mention the other homework that we haven't turned in yet.

Hermione

You mean you and Harry haven't turned it in yet. I've handed in all my parchments.

Harry

Yes. Thank you for reminding us.

Hermione

Hmmm...look, if you really have that much to do, then you're going to need some more parchment.

Harry

I've run out.

Ron

Me too.

Hermione

You really need to buy some more next time we're at Hogsmeade.

Ron

Can't. Spent it all at Zonko's.

Hermione

Why am I not surprised?

Harry

Because we do this every time we go to Hogsmeade. What makes you think that last time was any different?

Hermione

Sigh. I didn't.

Ron

Well, Miss Prissy Perfect, do you have any more parchment that we can use?

Hermione

As a matter of fact, I do...somewhere.

Harry

Ron, it's a miracle...Hermione might not actually know what something is!

Ron

We better document this moment for future reference.

Harry

Let's see...October 6...what were her exact words again?

Ron

Uh...sorry-I have a bad short term memory. Much like Hermione, I expect.

Hermione

That isn't documenting-that's blackmail!!

Ron

Exactly.

Hermione

Very funny, boys.

Harry

We crack ourselves up sometimes.

Hermione

I'll be right back.

Harry

Why are Fred and George huddled in the corner surrounded by five people?

Ron

They're hiding from Hermione.

Harry

I knew that, but what are they doing?

Ron

I don't think we want to know. It's something to do with...uh...Gender changing something...and Malfoy...

Harry

Now I really want to know.

Ron

Or maybe I'm wrong.

Harry

Let's just hope that they did something despicable to Malfoy.

Ron

Wow. That's the biggest word I've ever heard you say. And that time when you spoke in snake tongue doesn't count.

Harry

What could be taking Hermione this long?

Ron

I don't know. Maybe she has her boyfriend stuck up there or something.

Harry

Ron...how many times do I have to tell you that Hermione doesn't have a boyfriend?

Ron

Yes she does! I know it in my guts!

Harry

Yeah, well, your guts are all squished inside that pudgy body of yours.

Ron

Hey! It's not that pudgy.

Harry

All I'm saying is to lay off the chocolate for a while, Ron.

Ron

But it's almost Halloween!

Harry

Not for three more weeks.

Ron

So what?

Harry

If you want Hermione to like you, then you need to...be nicer. And maybe lose a little weight.

Ron

Since when are you an expert on relationships, Harry?

Harry

Look, just listen to me about Hermione-

Hermione

What about me?

Ron

Nothing.

Harry

Nothing.

Hermione

Hmm...

Ron

Don't narrow your eyes at me; Harry's the one who said your name!

Hermione

Right. Well, anyways, I found some rather old pieces of parchment, but they're parchment nonetheless.

Harry

Think that it could get any more battered?

Ron

Hey, there's writing on this!

Hermione

No there's not.

Ron

Then what are these squiggly letters that look like writing, Hermione?

Hermione

Well, what else would they be?

Harry

It looks like a whole huge set of notes.

Ron

There's writing on every page!

Harry

Where did you find these?

Hermione

I don't know. They were just placed somewhere beneath the windowsill.

Ron

And why were you looking there, Hermione?

Harry

Ron, I think that look means that your body is going to be cut up and buried underneath the Quiddich field.

Ron

So...uh...what do the notes say?

Hermione

Harry! That handwriting looks exactly like yours!

Ron

I wonder why.

Harry

That's because it's my father's.

Ron

Huh?

Hermione

What do you mean?

Ron

How would you know that?

Harry

Well, for one, he writes just like I do.

Ron

True.

Hermione

Are you two even reading what they wrote?

Ron

Uh...

Hermione

I'll take that as a no.

Harry

Why? What'd they write?

Hermione

Well, take a look...

Ron

Oh. My. Bloody-

Hermione

Ron! Don't swear!

Ron

Oh, like you've never done it!

Harry

There's pages and pages of just Sirius and James bantering.

Ron

Wow, there's some really snappy comebacks on here.

Harry

Should we read it?

Ron

I don't see why not.

Hermione

I do.

Ron

Huh?

Hermione

It's their private things! Obviously Lily was in my dorm when she went here and she hid it for some reason.

Ron

Maybe she thought Harry was going to be a girl and he would find it later. In which case, he would be reading it anyway.

Hermione

You're just trying to justify the fact that you want to read it.

Ron

Uh...yeah...so?

Hermione

Sigh. Fine, we can read it.

Ron

Ok. Harry?

Hermione

Harry?

Harry

Huh? Oh, sorry...I was reading. Besides, I usually tune you two out whenever you have your 'lover's spats.'

Ron

Hey!

Hermione

I don't know what to be insulted for first!

Ron

They're NOT lover's spats!

Harry

Just hurry up and read it...

(Twenty somewhat years ago...)

James

I. hate. School. I. hate. School. I. hate. School. I. hate. School. I. hat-

Peter

Uh...James...what are you doing?

James

I'm venting. What does it look like I'm doing, Peter?

Sirius

Ouch. Watch out...James is on a rampage today.

James

Shut up Sirius.

Remus

What's making you so testy, Prongs?

James

Does everybody have to be in my business?!

Remus

...

Sirius

...

Peter

...

James

Well?! Do you?!

Peter

Uh...yes...no...I mean...yes...no...

Sirius

Just don't say anything; it makes the time pass quicker.

Remus

Where's Lily?

James

DON'T ASK THAT!!

Remus

O...k...I wasn't expecting that...

Sirius

Half my face is now covered in your spit, James. I hope you're happy.

James

Happy?! HAPPY?! How could I be HAPPY?!

Peter

Uh...by smiling?

Remus

Shh...don't push it, Wormtail.

Sirius

Did you two have another fight again?

James

...

Sirius

I'll take that as a yes.

Remus

So wouldn't the correct thing to say be 'I. hate. Lily.' a hundred times over?

Peter

But he's in love with her...how could he hate her?

Sirius

Someone please explain the meaning of the universe to Wormtail...

Sirius

So what was the argument about this time?

James

...I can't tell you...

Sirius

Alrighty then...we'll just have to make it into a guessing game.

Remus

No! Don't you remember the last time that we played a guessing game?!

Sirius

Uh...no, because we've never done that before.

Remus

Oh. I could have sworn that we had done everything and they had all ended in failure.

Sirius

Hey, not everything I do ends up as failure!

James

Really? What about how you 'conveniently' left out the parchment and let Lily and Virginia see it?

Sirius

Oh, sure. Blame it on the dog.

James

Thanks, I think I will.

Remus

So...was that what the big fight with Lily was about?

James

Well, let's just say that a certain dog left the parchment out and that a certain girlfriend and her best friend read it and that a certain boy with the name of Prongs got blamed for it.

Sirius

Oh. That.

James

And, let's just say that Lily and Virginia now know the meaning of P.R.O.N.G.S.

Sirius

Presumably Really Obstinate and Never Gets over mistakeS?

James

Suuure...and you're S.T.U.P.I.D.

Remus

That should take him a while to figure out.

James

Will not.

Remus

Bet you twenty galleons.

James

You're on!

Peter

Ummm...what do those letters spell?

James

...

Remus

James! Stop beating your head against the wall; it causes permanent brain damage!!

Sirius

To what brain?

James

He's. So. Dumb...Why have we failed to teach him anything?!

Remus

James, I don't think we taught him how to read.

James

He knows how to read?

Remus

...

Sirius

Hey!! You called me stupid!!

Remus

Told you.

James

Sigh.

Remus

Pay up.

James

I always give him more brain cells than what he actually has. I need to learn to stop doing that...he's losing me money...

Sirius

You guys were betting on me?!

Remus

No...of course not...

James

Don't wink at me like that.

Peter

Uh...Prongs?

James

What is it now, Peter? Do you want to me to teach you to spell?

Peter

Ha, ha. Look.

James

...

Remus

Uh oh...

James

Sirius...I wouldn't normally ask you to do this, but...hide me.

Sirius

Hey! Get off me!! I don't fly that way!

Peter

Really?

Sirius

I'm NOT GAY!

Lily

That's a horrid fact to know, considering that my arch rival is dating you...

Remus

Still? Hasn't she given up on him yet?

Sirius

Lily, m'dear! How lovely to see you...here...of all places...

James

Check it out-you can actually see the sweat beginning to form on the back of his neck...

Peter

Uh...James...I think that glare means that you're gonna get a wedgie sometime soon...

James

Eh...you can't win them all...

Sirius

Uh...I would run if I were you, Boo Boo Bear.

James

SIRIUS! I thought I told you never call me that again!

Sirius

Oh, stop whining.

Lily

James Potter.

James

Lily...Lily Evans...how lovely to see you again...and so soon...

Lily

Yes, well...I...thought you might...

Remus

Hint, hint, James...

James

Me too.

Lily

You too what?

James

I would like an apology, too.

Lily

Excuse me?

James

Remus, wasn't that the right thing to say?

Remus

Let me put it this way...no.

Lily

If anything, Mister Potter, I'm the one who should have the apology given to!

Sirius

Do any of you know what it was that she just said?

(And back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione...)

Ron

I give up- this is too confusing...

Harry

How is it confusing?!

Ron

It just is!

Hermione

Actually, it's really quite simple.

Ron

And again, I present to you, Little-Miss-Know-It-All...

Harry

Uh, oh...she's giving you that look again...

Ron

Ignore it and maybe the person giving it will go away.

Harry

Ouch.

Hermione

Ron! What's the matter with you?!

Ron

What do you mean, what's the matter with me?!

Hermione

You're being so...so...

Harry

S.T.U.P.I.D.?

Hermione

Well, not exactly, but...

Harry

Basically, yes.

Hermione

I just don't understand what's going on with you! It's like you're having mood swings, for heaven's sake!

Ron

Well, maybe it's because of your little boyfriend!

Hermione

...

Harry

For the record, I didn't tell him anything.

Hermione

My...my...boy...friend?

Ron

That's right. You heard me.

Hermione

You mean a friend that's a boy, right?

Ron

Interpret it as you will. I'm leaving.

Harry

Ron, where are you going?

Ron

I don't know.

Harry

Ron? Ron!

Hermione

Boys. They're nothing but trouble.

Harry

Hmm...let's just hope he takes a good jump into the lake.

Hermione

Imagine him! Saying that I have a...a...

Harry

Boyfriend?

Hermione

...

Harry

Well, you kinda do.

Hermione

What?!

Harry

No! Don't take it that way!! I meant that RON was your kind of boyfriend!

Hermione

R...on?

Harry

Don't look so surprised. I can hardly sit by you two anymore because of your incessant flirting, you fight over the smallest little details, from the color of the robes in our uniform, to how large Hagrid's house is...if any of that isn't flirting, then I don't know what is...

Hermione

You mean like the time when he stole my slippers?

Harry

That would be flirting.

Hermione

And when I took revenge on him and made all his quills write in sparkly pink?

Harry

Uh...I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.

Hermione

That's all...oh.

Harry

I always knew you were a bright witch, Hermione.

Hermione

...

Harry

Hermione...your face is as bright as Ron's hair...

Hermione

I have to go...

Harry

Hehehehe...

Harry

...........

Harry

Well, this is stupid, I'm not going to sit here and talk to myself...

(You're going to kill me for going back and forth, aren't you?)

Remus

Sigh.

Peter

Huh? What's the matter, Moony?

Remus

Nothing.

James

Oh, right. Because in your world, nothing means that you can't eat, sleep, having any fun of any kind, crack jokes, or blink.

Remus

...

James

We know something's up.

Sirius

And to save you a lot of pain and silence, why don't you just tell us what happened.

Remus

Virginia knows about me being a...you know.

Sirius

A werewolf? I think we already figured that one out.

James

Did she...

Remus

Yeah...

Sirius

She did what?

James

Sigh.

Sirius

OUCH!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

James

She broke up with him, you idiot!

Sirius

Oh...OH!

James

He's cursed...I'm telling you people that he's cursed...

Remus

Me or Sirius?

James

Sirius.

Peter

Cursed with what, exactly?

James

The incompetent brain syndrome.

Peter

Uh...and that means...

James

That he's a moron.

Remus

Hmmm...

Peter

Hmmm...

James

Hmmm...

Remus

You know what? That makes a lot of sense now...

James

Told ya.

Sirius

Whaf mafes a fot of fense fow?

James

Sirius, what are you eating and where did it come from?

Sirius

I gof if from-

Lily

EEH! Swallow first!!

Sirius

Soffy...

James

LILY!!!

Lily

James...please...let...go...you're...cho...keing...me...

James

Sorry.

Peter

Hi, Lily!

Lily

Hey, Peter, I haven't seen you around that much...

Peter

Uh...duties...you know...it calls...

James

Yeah, almost as much as Sirius spits when chewing...

Lily

Remus, I came to see if you were ok.

Remus

...

Sirius

He's not talking anymore. We count it as a blessing.

Lily

Sirius!

Sirius

OUCH! Sorry.

Remus

You know...I think that I might just go up to the dorm and lay down...

James

Are you sure you're ok?

Remus

...

James

Never mind.

Sirius

Now if we could only make Peter go away so quickly...

Peter

Hey!

Sirius

Just joking...James, make a mental note to somehow get Peter to be away as long as he was last time when we wrote notes in class...

James

You got it.

Lily

That's mean!

James

What's mean?

Lily

What you're doing to Peter!

James

I don't see it as mean...I see it as...

Sirius

Healthy.

James

Yeah! Healthy for Peter...

Peter

Nice save.

James

Thank you.

Peter

You're quite welcome.

Lily

Aren't we a little off subject?

Sirius

Was there ever a subject?

James

You know, I'm not quite sure...how long ago did we start to write note in class?

Peter

Uh...first minute of the first hour of the first day of the first year.

Sirius

That's oddly specific.

James

So...that would make...a little over 300 pages of notes, back and front?

Lily

You counted?!

Sirius

Yeah, that sounds about right...

Lily

Are you three even listening to me?

James

Hand me those old notes.

Sirius

Hmmm...forgery...

Peter

Blackmailing...

Virginia

Huh?

Lily

Don't ask...

Peter

Uh...why were we talking about dying our hair bright yellow in second year?

James

Because we were stupid.

Sirius

But, James...we're stupid now.

Virginia

What are they doing?

Lily

VIRGINIA!! HELP ME KILL THEM!!

Virginia

Are they ignoring you again?

Lily

...

Virginia

I'll take that as a yes.

Lily

I just don't understand men...

Virginia

I know! One day you're totally and completely in love with one and then the next you learn that he's keeping secrets from you, like him being a...a...

Lily

A werewolf?

Virginia

...yeah...

(Now where did Harry, Ron, and Hermione get to...?)

Ron

Sweetie, I-

Hermione

What?

Harry

Sweetie?

Ron

Huh? What are you two going on about?

Harry

You just called Hermione "Sweetie"

Ron

Yeah, so?

Hermione

Does this mean that I get to call you "sugar-pie-honeybun" now?

Ron

NO!

Hermione

That's not fair, then!

Ron

Harry, help me...

Harry

Hey, you were the one who called her sweetie...

Ron

But that's because I'm stupid and a red-head...

Harry

Well, so is Ginny, but you don't see her complaining about being stupid.

Ginny

I think I'll choose to ignore that.

Hermione

Whoa! Where did you come from?

Ginny

That one time that I actually join in on you three's unsocial conversations and I come to find out that all you do is spite me...

Harry

No! That's not how it was supposed to come out!

Ron

Sure, Harry...go suck up to her and make her fall in love with you more.

Ginny

Hey! I don't love him! Well, not like that anyway...

Ron

Oh, sure...that's why you have every newspaper clipping of him from every article ever written in Witch Weekly, the Quibbler, and various other newspapers all on your wall.

Ginny

I do not!

Hermione

Aren't we drifting a bit off?

Ron

Not to mention all the posters that you created of him that you have up there too!

Ginny

Stop it!! You're wrong!!

Harry

Uh...

Hermione

RON! You're making her cry!!

Ron

Ginny...I'm sorry...

Ginny

I have to go...

Hermione

Look what you did!

Harry

Personally, I don't really mind.

Hermione

Harry!

Harry

Well, do you want the girl who would stalk you if she got the chance around you?!

Hermione

No...I already have the boy who stalks me around me...

Ron

Hey!

Hermione

No, dear, that was a good thing.

Ron

How is that a good thing?

Hermione

I want you to stalk me.

Ron

Huh?...OH!...hehehe...

Harry

Ewewewewewewewewewew!! I didn't hear that...I didn't hear that...I didn't hear that...

Ron

I think you scarred him for life...

Hermione

Again? He's so sensitive...

Harry

Yeah, well...you weren't up all night from listening to you two...mingle...in the bed right next to mine...

Hermione

See...I told you the room of requirement would have worked better!

Ron

Blah blah blah...

Harry

I think I might throw up...

Ron

I know why you're taking this so hard, Harry.

Harry

And why is that?

Ron

Because you don't have anyone to mingle with for yourself!

Harry

I don't know why but that sounded wrong for some reason...

Hermione

How about Pavarti?

Harry

Already tried...Yule ball, remember?

Ron

Oh, yeah...that's when I realized that I was in love with Hermione.

Hermione

Ahh! Ron...that's so sweet!

Harry

I thought that we were talking about me, right?

Ron

Oh right.

Hermione

Uh...what about Lavender?

Harry

Drinking problem.

Ron

Drinking problem?

Harry

Yeah...she has too many butterbeers and...well...last time she was standing on the table and singing dirty songs.

Hermione

But butterbeers are non-alcoholic.

Harry

Not with Lavender.

Ron

Have you gone out with Emily?

Harry

Let's not talk about that one...k?

Hermione

Amanda?

Harry

Fancies Draco and BIT too much...

Ron

Jasmine?

Harry

Laughter gives me a headache...

Hermione

Sara?

Harry

No.

Ron

Melissa?

Harry

No.

Hermione

Uh...Fiona?

Harry

No.

Ron

Alyssa?

Harry

No.

Hermione

Draco?

Harry

EWW!

Ron

Snape?

Harry

Now you're just getting gross.

Ron

But that's what makes it so much fun!

Harry

I'm never coming here again...

Hermione

Why? You love The Three Broomsticks!

Harry

That's not the reason...

Ron

Bye!

Hermione

Bye!!

Ron

Now what can we do when Harry's not here?

Hermione

I think I have an idea...

(Isn't this fun- switching back and forth like this? Hehehe...)

Sirius

Well, I suppose that this is supposed to be the end...

James

What?

Remus

Why would you say that?

Sirius

Everything's wrapping up! The author is starting to submit it to the web site! What else do you call it?

James

You can communicate with the author?

Peter

The person who tells us what to say and write?

Sirius

Uh...yeah...sure...why not?

James

Awesome!

Remus

How?

Sirius

Who's the author again?

James

Sigh.

Sirius

OUCH!! OK, THAT ONE HURT!!

Remus

Not another fight...

Peter

Isn't this getting a bit old?

James

The author told you to say that...

Remus

Yeah, but that's beside the point.

James

And that.

Remus

James...

James

And that.

Peter

Remus, you already have a bruise...you don't need to make it worse...

Sirius

You know...it was the author's fault that I'm stupid.

Remus

...

James

...

Peter

...

Sirius

What?

Remus

Quick- say something!

James

Sirius...I have some startling news for you...

Sirius

Oh no! Is it my cat, Betsy?!

Peter

Uh...no...

James

It's something more unsettling than that sad fact.

Sirius

What's going on here?

Remus

Don't give me that look; James is the one who's telling you!

Sirius

James...?

James

Sirius...you're seriously stupid...

Sirius

I know! That stinking author made it that way!

James

...without the author's help...

Sirius

Wha....?

Emmablk1

Yeah!! It's not my fault!!

Remus

Whoa! Where did you come from?!

Emmablk1

Uh...I'm gonna go now...

Peter

Who was she?

Sirius

The author.

James

How many times must we tell you that?

Remus

James, it's actually traditional to say that after he's asked twice.

James

Oh. Ok.

Peter

Are we done yet?

Emmablk1

Nope...it's traditional that Sirius makes his stomach talk first.

Peter

There she is again!

Sirius

Oh yeah!!

James

No!! anything but that!!

Peter

Yeah!! I like this part...

Remus

Please, I'm begging you!! Don't let him-

Sirius

There was a farmer who had a dog and Sirius was his name-o...

James

Why do you insist on torturing us?!

Emmablk1

It's not my choice; Sirius is the one who controls my brain!

Sirius

S-I-R-I-S...uh...U-S...uh...

Remus

That explains a lot...

Peter

Did he forget how to spell his name again?

Emmablk1

Looks like it...

James

That's it...I'm leaving...

Remus

Me too...

Peter

Me three...

Emmablk1

Me four...

James

Hey, you can't leave-you're the author!

Emmablk1

Watch me.

Sirius

Hey, where'd everyone go?!

Sirius

Hello?

Sirius

I don't know how to write my own lines...emmablk1? James? Remus? Peter?

(Now, I couldn't forget about Harry, Ron, and Hermione this one last time, now could I?)

Harry

ah...why do we have to end it?

Emmablk1

Because I said so.

Ron

And you are?

Emmablk1

The author, of course.

Harry

But I don't want to.

Ron

Yeah, I'm too lazy...

Hermione

I want to go and do my homework...

Emmablk1

Fine I'LL end it...

Emmablk1: September 3, 2004

Emmablk1

Better?

Ron

Much.

Sirius

Someone feed me!!

Harry

Sirius?

Hermione

What are you doing here?

Ron

Yeah, this is our time period!

Harry

And you died already, remember?

Emmablk1

But I'm in denial, so he can be here, technically.

Sirius

Besides, I'm in your head.

Emmablk1

He's like a parasite that won't leave.

Hermione

Actually, parasites don't leave their hosts until they die.

Sirius

Yeah!!

Emmablk1

No!! why did you day that?!

Hermione

Whoops...sorry.

Emmablk1

I'm doomed forever...

Harry

So long!

Emmablk1

And remember-I'm selling Sirius for free!

Ron

That may sound like a good deal, but trust me, he get really annoying.

Siruis

Hey!

Hermione

So long!

Sirius

Bring back food next time!

Emmablk1: September 3, 2004