The Dark Lord's Letter

Dear Jo,

You are probably wondering how it is that I am writing to you if I'm supposedly dead, but the truth is, I did not die. I just faked my own death. (Psych!) The beauty of the plan is that Potter thinks he has won the battle. Cruel, yes, but I am the Dark Lord after all. Let Potter bask in the fame and adoration of having "defeated" me, but the only person the Idiotic-Boy-Who-Lived killed was some random, nameless Death Eater who was unimportant to me or the plot of the story. (Thank you for introducing Polyjuice Potion in book two, by the way! It has been a lifesaver... literally! Oh, and you should be receiving my fruit basket any day now.... Please ignore the few rotten apples in there. But that's what you get for trying to kill me in the first place.)

As of now, I am here enjoying myself in sunny Brazil for the first time in . . . well . . . ever. (Do not worry; by the time you get this, I will be long gone from here, so don't bother tracking me down.) I know how much Nagini would have liked it here, but alas, she's enjoying herself over in Paris Disneyland. She faked her death, too, by the way. Did you really imagine she would accept getting her head chopped by that prat Neville Longbottom, who turned unexpectedly badass all of the sudden? Pfft. (Jo, if for any reason you or anyone you know are considering making a Horcrux, make more than seven. Seven, apparently, is not enough when just one happens to be your archenemy.)

And while being an evil menace to society is wickedly awesome, it offers no time for relaxation or any kind of compensation for my frequently high blood pressure. Ah, the stress of it all: world domination, trying to hunt and kill Potter, finding out my favorite Death Eater was fooling me all these years because I killed his lady friend, etc., etc., etc. If you had to deal with any of these issues, your blood pressure would be through the roo, too. You really should have introduced some kind of health coverage for Dark Lords in book four. Even if I do not look my age, I am over seventy years old, for Pete's sake!

And dear me, my poor eardrums... I don't think they will ever be the same again after having to listen to Bellatrix's ranting and ravings for so long.... Thank Molly for taking "care" of that lunatic for me. It seems that having a look of surprise on your face before dying is a Black family trait.... Wouldn't you agree?

But enough about Bella. The other Death Eaters don't know I'm still alive, and good riddance too, I say. They were only dragging me down. Plus, while they're all either dead or enjoying a nice long trip in the hoosegow, I'm perfecting my summer tan. Ha! Further driving all Bella/Death Eater-related thoughts from my head, I look over to see who else is here at the beach on this fine, lovely day, and let me just say this now... ew! There are women here who should NOT be going topless. It is disgusting and disturbing all rolled into one convenient package. And by the looks of some of them, they don't even know what a razor is for. Curses! My eyes are starting to bleed onto this letter....

(Oh, my piña colada is here. My non-alcoholic piña colada, I should say. Last time I drank alcohol, I wound up telling Albus Dumbledore about my Horcruxes. But that was nothing compared to going on stage with the oaf and singing Michelle Branch songs while both of us were completely wasted. Then there was the embarrassing hug at the end.... I may be scarred for life. Because of it [and waking up on some deserted island with him was not something I was particularly fond of], I am abstaining from the foul substance. Then there is the fact I will never be able to look Aberforth in the eye ever again.)

Shoving these rather embarrassing thoughts out of my head, there is some guy not far from me who could quite possibly be Viktor Krum's father, wearing what looks like a Speedo. Hairy people should not be wearing Speedos. Let's just say that he's certainly not bringing sexy back in any form of the word. Not to mention that it goes against the laws of nature, and ... oh crap, my poor, sensitive eyes are bleeding again. Ignore the blood on the page, Jo; they may never be the same again.... And until I go home, it is just me, the sun, the ocean, and a healthy breeze around my privates. Oh dear, a woman just looked at me and screamed. Hey, I can't help it if that's how I was made. I'm just too much man for her, apparently.

Putting that little embarrassing incident behind us, Jo, I must say, the sun feels great on my pasty skin. Why, it wasn't until I got here that I realized just how freaking pale I truly was. Severus actually had more color than I, and that my intellectual creator, is truly saying something since he hardly ever saw sunlight. Now -- hey, what's this? Some college kids just invited me to party with them. Sweet! It's nice to know I'm still "with it," even if they did change what "it" was and what "it" is seems slightly weird and scary to me.

Consequently, I will just hurry up and conclude my bragging letter before I go par-tay with a few things I wanted to bring up to you:

1. Fanfic is not cool. Too many of my personal things have been posted for all to read. If you ever find the young woman who posted my Death Eater Handbook, and Nagini's rather embarrassing diary, please, by all means, feel free to use a couple of Cruciatus Curses on her... or send her to me so I may "talk" to her....

2. I really think Draco is gay-in-denial, so please, keep him away from me at all times. And what kind of wiener name is Scorpius anyway?

3. For the love of Merlin, why didn't you let me wear underwear in the graveyard scene in book four? Too many discussions about my you-know-what have 'popped up' Internet message boards, and it is rather disturbing. I DO wear underwear! I do, I do!

4. Please tell all those fanatic 'shippers' that Bella/Me never, ever happened, and if it did, I'd gouge out my eyes with a spork. That woman was a freak in its purest, most unadulterated form. Please excuse me while I go vomit....

Sincerely yours,

Tom I-Hate-My-Freaking-Muggle-Name-So-What-The-Hell-Were-You-Thinking-Naming-Me-After-My-Father??? Riddle

P.S. Just for clarification purposes, Snape did not die either. So there. Some woman under the username of Lunafish made quite sure of that.