Voldemort's Potion Gone Wrong

(Harry, Ron and Hermione are sitting in the common room. They are devising a plot on how to defeat Voldemort .)

Harry: I tried using that Unforgivable! It won't be any different against Voldemort.

Hermione: I've been thinking...Salazar Slytherin left a chamber in this school. Could Godric have done the same?

Ron: Hermione, we've been through this a hundred times. Salazar was a nutcase. Besides, why would Harry need something out of some old chamber?

Hermione: It's in Harry's blood. He's meant to find it.

Ron: What?

Hermione: In "Hogwarts: A History" there is the legend of the Chamber of Outstanding Goodness. It is said to hold the Ring of Joy.

Ron: What does happiness have to do with Harry?

Hermione: The Ring is supposed to bring overwhelming joy to it's wearer. I have the feeling it may be useful.

Ron: So Harry is supposed to force Voldemort to laugh?

Hermione: Fine. You two can find another know-it-all!

Harry: Wait. You said something about my blood.

Hermione: See this parchment?

Ron: We have eyes, Hermione.

Hermione: I'll give it to you if you agree to look for the Chamber of Outstanding Goodness.

Harry: Fine. We'll go tonight.

Hermione: Here, this is your family tree. I traced it all the way back to Godric Griffindor and his wife who was part troll.

Harry: Err...Thanks.

Hermione: Now, go get your cloak.

* * * * *

(At Voldemort's secret lair.)

Voldemort: Fools! Judging my wisdom. This potion is a masterpiece! The potion that shall give me immortality. Then I shall have victory.

Wormtail: My lord? That potion looks like...

Voldemort: Fool! If you speak again, I shall rip your tongue out.

Wormtail: Yes, my lord.

Voldemort: It is done! Now for my transformation.

(Voldemort drinks the bubbling potion. He feels the sensation that his whole body is melting and reshaping.)

Wormtail: My lord!

Voldemort: Silence, fool! I shall...

Wormtail: You look like Orlando Bloom, my Lord.

Voldemort: I do not care what you think. I am now immortal!

Wormtail: You can rule with that face, my lord.

(Voldemort looks in the mirror and nearly screams with rage at his handsome face.)

Voldemort: I will kill you for that comment and pin your corpse to the wall! Your white skin would make a great contrast to the stone walls.

Wormtail: My lord?

Voldemort: Don't you agree? This place is sooooooooo gloomy. We need color, color, color! We need some nice tapestries on these walls and some sconces. We need light. This may be my Fortress of Everlasting Doom, but it doesn't have to be dark. I can't have my followers miserable.

Wormtail: Your potion went wrong, my lord. Did you make an antidote?

Voldemort: Those stains on the floor are hideous. We need some carpet. Maybe a nice mauve.

(Enter Lucius)

Lucius: How is the potion coming, my lord?

Voldemort: I already took that stuff. Now about those doors...

Lucius: My lord, I suggest you come with me. This potion has obvious temporary side effects.

Voldemort: You touch me and I kill you. Now about those doors...

* * * * *

(They are in the library)

Harry: Why do you think it's here?

Hermione: It is obvious. I found the information here, so it would be logical to look here first.

Ron: You can't be serious.

Harry: Don't talk about him.

Ron: Sorry...

Hermione: Of coarse! The lion statue that says "Come in here, already"!

Harry: That makes sense, wat do I have to do?

Hermione: Try roaring.

(Harry tries)

Harry: It's no good.

Ron: We could always ask God.

Harry: What? You're not religious.

Ron: Now I am. Hey, God, what does Harry have to do?

Ron: Thanks, God.

Hermione Quit inserting yourself and shut up!

Ron: Well, get on with it, Harry.

(He does and the lion walks away reveiling a large chamber full of books.)

Hermione: OH!!!

(Hermione then goes and reads until she dies of starvation as the author's revenge.)

Harry: Well, that's the last of her...

Ron: Oh, look. At the beam of light that's shining down on that table with a small object resting there.

Harry: I'll just go get that...

(Harry grabs it and realizes that it is a Portkey. He leaves without Ron. Ron realizes that the lion is back at the enterance. He dies as well.)

Harry: What? This is really unfair. Why do I always have to save the world?

Ghost of Godric: Because you're the chosen one and my heir. Now that your suspicions are confirmed I will dissapear forever.

Harry: That was pointless.

(Looks around)

Harry: I must be in Voldemort's lair.

* * * * *

Voldemort: I shall paint the doors green, I think.

Lucius: You need rest, my lord.

Voldemort: I shall now paint the doors with your blood.

(Lucius leaves. Voldemort pouts.)

Voldemort: I soooo wanted to kill him.

Wormtail: I need to go...paint the dungeons mauve.

Voldemort: Great idea. I'll stay here and plot for my evil decorations.

* * * * *

Harry: This is so dull. Can't I just go home?

(Enter Lucius)

Lucius: Potter. We meet again.

Harry: Can you be any more typical villian?

Lucius: I will kill you, kill you all?

Harry: Better. Be more evil.

Lucius: To be honest, I'm going to go good. Voldemort has lost it.

Harry: That will make my job easier. Take me to him.

* * * * *

Voldemort: I need to rename this place. Home of All Evil? Land of Certain Doom? Evil United? Pad of Evil Disco? No, that's way too muggle related...

Harry: I have come to kill you!

Voldemort: You must be my new decoration. Lucius, you did well. I'd like to put him on my mantle.

(Harry catches on.)

Harry: Before you die, I want you to wear this.

Voldemort: Ooo, pretty!

(Voldemort puts on the ring and laughs like a maniac.)

Voldemort: I like this! Time for you to die!!!

(Harry and Lucius die.)