The Mary Sue Monologues

Welcome to the Department of Motor Vehicles. My name is Ms. Uyar'e. How can I help you gentlemen today? Oh, my nametag? Don't worry about it. I said, my name is --

Yes, I am a Mary Sue. A proud Mary Sue! Mary Mae Johnson and Suzanne Laveau were proud Black women and I am proud to carry their names. But they're both passed, ok, so I go by Ms. Uyar'e now. It reflects my ethnic heritage --

What the hell do you mean, what heritage? My damn heritage! It means "Soul Warrior Woman"... Because I said that's what it means, that's why, Vice Principal Voldemort. Now, that is my choice and you need to respect that and--

What

did you call me? Oh, you need to get your head out of your master Old Vaudeville's butt and get in my face and say that...

Muggle

? Huh. You're just lucky you didn't say what I thought you said. 'Cause I got on my highest high heels and I will run dead up your little narrow behind roughshod, do you hear me? And you can take that little stick out of my face and take your skinny blond ass on, cause I am not about to deal with you today!

Oh, wait, hold up, Crucio? What the fuck is Crucio? Don't make me slap you, white boy. I am not the stupidest Black woman on this planet, and I do know what the word means. Or what it would mean if your ass could properly conjugate a Latin verb...

Excuse me, Mr. Tommy Marvel, or whatever you call yourself, but you're going to need to get this little trifling blond thing here directly out of my face or I'm liable to forget I went to Catholic school and get ethnic up in here, do you understand me? Yeah, I thought you might.

So, er, ah, look here, what's that name again, Rev. Aldemort?

Oh, no, my dear. This is New York, we don't call any living mortal man Lord, so...

Oh, no, you didn't! No, he did not! Oh, no! Oh, hell no!

Police! Police! Po-lice!

Officer, hold my purse!

This red-eyed, no-nose, crack cocaine-sniffing motherfucker just Blasphemed! Oh, I'm gonna Avada your Kedavra, punk!

It's on, bitch. It is on! Where my girls at?

____________________

Maria (Susie Gee) Gambino, because she's got your magic wand, right here. And her father knows people. Bigshots.
And Marisu Lopez, because let me tell you something, ok? She will cut you in a heartbeat;
and Mary Sue O'Reilly, who can fashion a deadly weapon in seconds as she drains the last ounces of beer from a quart bottle and smacks it up against a light pole in one elegant, fluid movement...

From every ethnic enclave in the Big Apple, angry Mary Sues appear as if by -- dare one say it? -- magic, to converge upon and surround the suddenly confounded Dark Lord and his quaking henchman.

Voldemort grabs the terrified Malfoy by the scruff of his neck and Disapparates, in such abject defeat and disarray that he drops his wand. As one of the Mary Sues idly picks up the curious object to inspect, it emits a shower of emerald sparks that soar high in the air, forming a glittering green skull with a huge, hissing fanged serpent issuing from its mouth like a tongue. She shakes it again, but without the hand of the wizard, its power is gone. She tosses it. The sun is setting, and the people on the sidewalk gaze awestruck at the sky.

"Oooh. Pretty."

Epilogue

:

Q. Which Malfoy are we talking about here? Malfoy pere, or Malfoy fils?
Q. How many Dark Wizards does it take to screw up the subway?
A. What do I look like, a friggin' information booth?