The Creevey Files

It was a beautiful Saturday morning in September. The sun was shining in the windows as Harry got out of his four-poster bed in the circular five-bed dormitory. He considered this home, and he smiled to know that he was not with the Dursleys any longer. He headed towards the common room. Harry received a shock when he entered the stairwell. The majority of Gryffindor House was standing around the room, looking up at him, apparently waiting for him to come down for breakfast. Many were snickering while holding what looked like a newspaper.

"Hiya Harry!" Colin Creevey ran up to him, talking a mile a minute. "Could I get your autograph? Please, please, please? Pretty please? With sugar on top?"

"Alright, alright," Harry said annoyed, looked at him sternly. He took the pen and signed his newspaper.

"Gee! Wait till my parents see this! Harry Potter signed the newspaper article that I wrote on him!"

"You did what?"

"Yeah! On your rescue from yesterday! It was so great!"

Harry turned the newspaper right side up and began to read the freshly printed Quibbler article. He gasped and his eyes grew wide as he read:

The Quibbler

Breaking News

The Power of Cheese

Written by Colin Creevey

Saturday, 20 September 1997

Yesterday had many shocking events. Draco Malfoy, a sixth year at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry nearly lost his life. Apparently, he had been taunting the oh so famous Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived. This was a ritual of Malfoy's.

Mr. Malfoy, Potter's rival, a Slytherin, decided it would be funny to ask Mr. Potter, a Gryffindor from across the Great Hall, the cafeteria at the school, if he would like some sea food, when he really meant, "see food", a joke entailing one to show all the food that is in his or her mouth.

Malfoy lodged the piece of old cheddar cheese that he used for his joke in the back of his throat by accident. He choked and turned blue.

Harry Potter leapt across the tables and performed the Heimlich maneuver on Malfoy. He survived after Potter regained Malfoy's consciousness by CPR, a Muggle form of reviving a human by pumping their chest and blowing air into the victim's mouth.

"Oh! It was dreadful! I had no idea that Malfoy was choking, I seriously though that they were- having sexual relations," Hermione Granger, an eyewitness and friend to Harry Potter, said. She was quite flustered.

At the scene, Granger recalled that she blurted out, "Which American state cut the cheese?" in retaliation to Malfoy's juvenile prank. Malfoy then choked on the cheese, gasping for air. He fell out of his chair and apparently Potter felt bad for the boy, so he jumped out of his seat to assist him. Shortly after Granger made her remark, the piece of old cheese came flying from Malfoy's orifices and as he was lying on Harry, he muttered, panting heavily, "Wisconsin."

In celebration of his survival, they all broke out into a rousing chorus of "Mary Had A Little Lamb"', porno-style.