Pure Insanity

Draco Malfoy liked to dance naked in the showers. One day, he was doing said activity when Colin Creevey skipped in. He skidded to a halt when Draco saw him.

"Oh my GOD!" screeched Colin, his face turning a violent shade of purple. "What in blazes is going ON?!"

"I'm just taking a shower!" whined Draco, his nose still covered in suds. He inhaled them and started to choke. Colin fainted. Draco did the same soon after.

The two Authors wondered what they should do with two unconscious boys in the shower. "Shag them?" suggested one.

"We'd need a girl for that," replied the other.

Luna walked into the bathroom with her face covered in oil. She had fallen into the Potions master. You can guess what had happened.

Anyways, she walked into the rather crowded bathroom to wash her exquisitely grimy face, when she saw the two boys lying on the tile floor. It was then she noticed she was in a boys' bathroom.

"Oh well," she mumbled, and proceeded to snog Draco, because he was hot and needed snogging. Draco then woke with a start, banging his head on Luna. She said something about migraines and suds, and traded boys for Creevey. Draco pouted beautifully, his hair turning an interesting shade of orange that clashed horribly with his skin tone.

"Revenge is sweet," said Crookshanks from the doorway. "That's for stepping on my tail last Thursday."

"Keeps a long memory, that one," muttered Draco, rubbing his aching orange head. "I must remember never to kick that tabby furball again. After all, I do need to keep my appearance up."

That was the moment when Hogwarts burned down. The only survivor was Draco Malfoy, who had been covered in water at the time. Draco, needless to say, was thoroughly stunned by the event, and wondered if Crookshanks' spell had worn off when the horrid feline had kicked the proverbial bucket. He also pondered how Crookshanks could perform a spell at all, seeing as he was a cat and therefore had no magical abilities whatsoever.

Then the Authors appeared out of nowhere (they hadn't died in the blaze because they were the omnipotent fic authors, and therefore couldn't die in their own work). They were curious as to what they would do next, seeing as they were faced with the prospect of a boy who just happened to be depressed, lost, hot and alone. One Author looked at the other, a mischievous gleam in her eye.

"I like the sounds of this!" she said gleefully, skipping over to the extremely hot boy surrounded by equally hot embers. The other Author sighed in resignation and conjured up Brad Pitt. She inspected him for a while, then announced that he was too mainstream and sent him back to Hollywood, where he was shooting a new action movie. She abandoned Draco and the other Author, who seemed to be getting along fine on their own, to go for a stroll. And, of course, to get away from the groans that were making her feel quite awkward, thank you very much.

This omnipotent and less obsessed Author soon ran into Wormtail, who was hunched in a corner of the former charms classroom, stroking his wand with an unnaturally shiny hand. Giggling uncontrollably, he didn't even notice her stealthy approach. "EEEEK! A WALRUS!" she screamed, attracting the attentions of the two snoggers three corridors away. Draco and his snoggee virtually flew down their corridor to where the less obsessed Author was standing.

As we all know, she hadn't actually seen a walrus, but that was the Authors' code for 'dangerous and insane person', and thus she had to say it.

As Draco and the obsessive Author rounded the last corner, the screaming Author pointed a finger at the walrus-man and declared, "HE - IT SET OFF THE FIRE! AND NOW IT'S PLANNING TO KILL US AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!"

With that, the walrus turned into a rat and scuttled away. Fortunately, the Author who had previously been snogging Draco stepped on said rat, which died with an ear-splitting squeal.

Draco fainted. Again. The Author who had previously been snogging the now unconscious boy beside her fainted on top of Draco, as she was a vegetarian and hated the sight of dead animals. Conveniently. The Author who had previously been screaming also hated the sight of dead animals, but did not faint, as that would mean fainting on the unconscious girl who had been snogging the unconscious boy and that would have been intruding.

Draco twitched.

The End