Harry Potter and the Half-Witted Musical

"SHUT UP, BO-BOB!" yelled Bra-Girl (a.k.a. Hermione, who had a bra on her head).

"EVERYONE WOULD EAT ME!"

"What?" asked Ron. "I can't hear you! I'm deaf! I think you've got the lyrics wrong, though!"

Harry's tummy growled. " HOLY CRAP!" he yelled. "My tummy is evil! I'm hungry, too."

He began to sing to the tune of "She Will Be Loved": "I don't mind spending all my money! For some chicken with a glaze of honey! Look for the eggs with the broken shell! Ask 'em to get scrambled! And I AM hungry! I AM hungry-y-y, oh yeah."

We went into the fridge that seemed to appear out of nowhere. There was nothing but Hermione's frozen bra and Neville's cheese. Harry didn't want to eat a bra, and he didn't even think of the cheese because it... you don't want to know.

So Harry went down to the kitchens. Dobby came to greet him.

"Harry Potter, sir!" he yelled, hugging Harry's leg. "Meesa Jar-Jar Binks! Meesa give Harry Potter somesa lovingsa!"

"What?" Harry said. "I didn't understand. I was checking out that Queen lady over there."

The truth was, the house elves seemed to have a thing for Star Wars, and Queen Amadala, Anikan, RD-D2, and Chewy were sitting behind them.

"I want some food, Jar-Jar," said Harry.

Another song came, this one was based on the Star Wars theme: "We don't... we don't have any food to give! So-so-so go... eat... your mother, go eat you mother, or you are dead!"

"Weesa no havesa the foodsa," said Dobby. "Butsa we havesa the Lightsabersa!" Dobby pulled out a Lightsaber and cut off Harry's right arm.

"At least I was right handed!" he said optimistically.

"Beep, boop, boop, beep,." said R2-D2, which meant something like, "Get out of here or I'll get all punk on yo booty!"

So Harry left and ran right into a wall outside and passed out.

***

46½ days later, Belize Zabini found Harry lying there and gave him a nice snog before waking him up. Harry took one look and ran.

Down the hall, Harry ran right through Nearly-Headless-Nick.

"Why, hello there, Harry!" he said.

"AHH!" Harry yelled. "IT'S A GHOST! CALL THE COPS!" Harry ran down the hall and ran into Draco Malfoy.

"Hiya, Queen Draco!" he yelled.

"What did you call me, Potter?" asked Malfoy, making sure he spit at the "P" like all the evil dudes did in the movies.

"Yo' momma!" Harry said, pulling out a gold "bling-bling" and some shades. "My name is Harry P. I come to delight thee. I'm the rappinest dogg over the great sea. That dude Neville loves to pee, so give some love to Harry P."

Malfoy was shocked that Harry could rap. "Please, Harry P.! Rap 'The Candy Shop!'"

Harry did not hear what Malfoy had to say because he was staring intentionally at his hair, and ADD took over.

"Bo-Bob!" yelled Bra-Girl from across the school. "We can go to Hogsmeade today!"

"What?" asked Ron, also from across the school. "I can't hear you. I'm deaf."

***

At Hogsmeade, Harry and the gang went inside the Three Broomsticks. They sat down and got some Firewhisky.

"Mmmm... this is good!" Harry exclaimed.

"What?" asked Ron. "I can't hear you! I'm deaf!"

"Harry, there's something I must tell you!" Hermione yelled after 18 shots of Firewhisky and Vodka.

"What?"

Hermione sang to the tune of "Naughty Girl" from Beyonce: "I'm feeling tipsy! I wanna hear more drinks! If you can reach it, the bottle's in my-..."

"Shut up, lady!" yelled Madam Rosmerta.

"Tonight, I'll be a drunken girl! Uh! Going to go hurl! I'm gonna get my body started. Then I'm gonna run a car into a tree!"

"What's a tree, Ron?" asked Harry.

"What? I can't hear you. I'm deaf."

***

Back at school on Monday, Professor Flitwick was asking various questions to various students.

"Harry, what is the spell to make things float?"

"Umm... I don't know Mr. Tiny!"

Flitwick broke into song. "Oompa, loompa, doopidy-doo, Harry Potter should be kept in a zoo! Oompa, loompa, doopidy-da! Let's watch him eat his own wand!

"What do you get when you have ADD? The Boy Who Lived, who is taller than me! What do you get when you transfigure your hand? You'll end up like Seamus Finnegan!"

"Hey!" yelled Seamus, giving Flitwick the finger with his refrigerator/hand

"Thanks for the compliment, Professor," said Harry, who had been checking out Cho the whole time. "It was very kind. Could you sing it next time?"

***

In the last hours of the day, everyone was having a pajama party. Hermione suddenly smelled something. Ginny suddenly smelled something. Ron couldn't smell anything because he was deaf.

They all broke into song, to the tune of "Let's Get it Started!": "Let's guess who farted! It's hot! Let's guess who farted, it's Harry!"

"That has got to be the most mediocre song in this spoof!" Harry said, imitating Simon Cowell. "Simply dreadful!"

"Yo, dogg, I thought it okay, you know what I'm saying?" asked Voldemort from behind Harry.

"YO' MOMMA!" Harry yelled louder than ever.

Voldemort broke into another song, to the tune of 'Hey Ya!': "One, two, three, uh! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb!

"My enemy messes around with his ADD and some cats and hounds! But does he really wanna? He can't stand the feeling of feeling so slowed down! Uh! Don't try to make his hair so that it sticks down! Thank god I killed mom and dad or it'd be horrible!

"Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb!

"He thinks he's got it, oh, he thinks he's got it! But got it just don't get it with an IQ of two! He gets together with his drunken girlfriend! And what's more: his friend is deaf-ef-ef-ef! If what they say is, 'Harry is our hero!' What makes, what makes, what makes his ADD an exception? So why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, why, oh, why, oh are we so in denial that Scarface has ADD?"

"Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb!

"I think I killed his daddy! He was a golf caddie! I think I killed his mamma! But first I made her--"

"How did you get in here?" asked Ginny.

"I let him in!" yelled Dumbledore from across the room. "We are bestest buddies in high school!"

"But you're Brit-... oh, never mind."

"Let's dance!" yelled Dumbledore, strapping his oxygen tank to his waist.

"Alright now fellas'?"

"What? I can't hear you!" said Ron. "I'm deaf!"

"What's cooler that being cool?"

"That doesn't make sense!" said Malfoy.

"I can't hear you! What's cooler than being cool?"

"YO MOMMA!" yelled Harry.

"Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, okay the ladies!"

"WHAT DO YOU IDIOTS WANT?" yelled Ginny.

"We gonna break this thing down in just a few seconds!"

"So?"

"Now, don't have me break this thang down for nothin'!"

"Dude, you are so far from black it's not--"

"I wanna see you on your baddest behavior!"

"Oh, you're gonna see that--"

"Lend me some suga'!"

"Okay, I'll shove it right up your--"

"I am your neighbor!"

"Couldn't sworn you were the bad guy..."

"Okay, now shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it like Harry's parents did to him when he was young! Alright, now, shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it! Shake it like Harry's parents did to him when he was young!

"Now all Bra-Girls and Cho Changs... um... get on the floor! You know what to do... um... this is getting really awkward!"

Hermione and Cho were on the floor. "I thought we were supposed to sponge bathe Dumbledore!"

"Oh, yeah! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb! Harry is dumb! Harry's dumb!"

And everyone sang along to Voldemort and danced and danced and danced.

"Woo!" said Harry. "That was a great song, Voldemort! I have just one question, though!"

"What's that, buddy-old-pal?" asked Voldemort.

"Who is Harry?"

4/15/05