Harry Potter and the Order of the Pelican

J.K. Rowling is in the Cupboard Under The Stairs [CUTS] writing the last sentence of her much-awaited and much-anticipated fifth book, Harry Potter and The Order of the Pelican.

J.K. Rowling: [with the tip of her tongue sticking slightly out of her mouth] ...... And they all lived happily ever after...... The End.

With a flourish [& Blotts!! *Um. Sorry, bad joke*], she snaps her fingers and suddenly, all the Harry Potter characters appear out of thin air [Why, it's almost like magic!], squashed together and looking dazed.

Harry: [in earnest] Hey, this place looks familiar! Haven't I been here before?

Ron: [in awe] Bloody brilliant!

Draco: [disgustedly brushing imaginary dust off his robes] What are we doing here?

J.K. Rowling: [eyes brimming with tears of joy] I have finally finished my fifth book [pausing dramatically]--Harry Potter and The Order of the Pelican.

Harry: [blinks] I thought it was The Order of the Phoenix.

J.K. Rowling: Yes, it was going to be that but pelicans are so much cuter, don't you think?

Hermione: [raising her hand, looking smugly superior] Yes, I believe so, but its original name was The Order of the Phoenix. Honestly, haven't you read Hogwarts, A History? Besides......

Lockhart: [pouting] Why not flamingoes? I like flamingoes.

Voldemort: [bouncing happily] Me too! Me too!

Ron: [disgusted] They're pink!

Lockhart: [blinking excitedly] Exactly! Why not call it 'Gildie Lockhart and The Dancing Flamingo'?

Ron: [glaring] Who invited him? And why am I the one stuck sitting next to him?

Ginny: [rolling her eyes] Shut up, Ron.

Draco: [to Ron] You're not the only one, Weasel. In case you haven't noticed, his gaudy pink robes clash with my black ones. It's an absolute eyesore. [turning disdainfully to Lockhart] Go away.

Lockhart: [amicably] Okay! [happily scoots over to the other side of Malfoy]

J.K. Rowling: Right. [clasps her hands, turning to Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Draco and Voldemort] You're here because you're the main characters. [lowering her voice to a whisper] He's here because something went wrong with my spell.

Harry: Oh.

Ginny: [smiling] That's all right; practice makes perfect.

Ron: [curiously] Aren't you a Muggle? How'd you get the spell to work?

J.K. Rowling: [smiling mysteriously] I have my ways.

Hermione: [politely] What d'you call this place?

Harry: [promptly] The Cupboard Under The Stairs. [blinks rapidly] Wait a minute. Isn't this my room? What are we doing here? Why wasn't I here before?

Ginny: [helpfully] You were at The Burrow, remember? And we played Mr. Vegetable Man, and it was my turn, and I was going to be a carrot, and then suddenly we were here, remember?

Harry: Oh! Yeah. Mr. Vegetable Man is so cool!

J.K. Rowling: [ignoring him] The Dursleys were rather nice; they let me use this room.

Hermione: [smiling and nodding approvingly] I rather like this place. Yes, it shall be the new S.P.E.W. headquarters.

Harry: [looking horrified] It can't be!

Hermione: Why not?

Harry: [desperately] It's my room! It has my bed sheet and my light bulb and my...... my Polly!

Ginny: [looking very much the part of the mad woman] Your Polly? Who's Polly? Let me get at her!

Ginny is restrained by Ron and Hermione.

Lockhart: [gleefully picking up a bright green stuffed pelican with a huge yellow bill] Wow! Who are you? [shaking it violently] Why don't you talk?

Harry: [possessively snatching it away, glaring at Lockhart] Hey! [strokes the stuffed pelican fondly] It's all right now, daddy's here......

Draco snorts.

Hermione stifles a giggle.

Ron can be heard guffawing loudly in the background.

Harry: [happily] Aunt Petunia says that Polly matches my eyes.

Ginny: [sitting back down, looking relieved] Oh. Well, Polly's more of a balloon colour. You know, like a green balloon. Your eyes are......

Ron: [dramatically] The colour of a fresh pickled toad.

Voldemort: [snickering] Hahahahaha......

Ginny casts him a death glare.

Voldemort: [meekly] Sorry.

Draco: [stares at him in horror] What's wrong with you? You're supposed to be evil!

Voldemort: [eyes starting to fill with tears] M- M- Minnie broke up with me! [starts wailing]

Hermione: [patting him comfortingly on the back] There, there. It's all right. She's not the only giant out there, you know. There are plenty of maggots in the cauldron. [Author: plenty of fish in the sea; maggots in the cauldron, get it?]

Voldemort: [hiccupping] Y- Yes...... but sh- she made the best flobberworm juice!

J.K. Rowling: [coughs awkwardly] Ahem. Anyway... the book is going to be out in a couple of months, cos the Muggles are getting jumpy, so I just thought I'd let you know first. [smiles brightly at them] So, what do you think?

Hermione: [pointedly] You haven't told us anything about it yet.

Ginny: [rolling her eyes] Isn't it obvious?

Ron: Isn't what obvious?

Ginny: It's the same in every book. Haven't you noticed? Harry's in the Dursley's, locked up in here or in the tiny room upstairs. Then he'll visit us at The Burrow and spend the rest of his summer with us, and meanwhile his scar will hurt but he won't tell anyone cos he's trying to be all brave and hero-like, see?

Voldemort: [murmuring softly] Poor, poor Harry.

Ginny: See? You-Know-Who wants to kill Harry and take over the world, so he kidnaps Harry's favourite pelican to lure him into his trap. Anyway, meanwhile, Harry will befriend the weird new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, visit Hagrid, catch the Snitch, breaking his arm in the process, solve the mystery with the help of Ron and Hermione, go looking for trouble, have yet another showdown with You-Know-Who, and win.

Draco: [looking breathlessly impressed] Wow.

Harry: [to Ginny] Is what they're saying true, then? You'll have a big role in this book?

Ginny: [grinning widely] Yep. Cos I was the one who transfigured Hedwig into your favourite pelican, see?

The others nod, impressed by the beautiful plotline.

Hermione: [politely attempting conversation, with the air of someone running a scientific experiment] I heard that in this book, hormones will be running wild?

J.K. Rowling: [nodding emphatically] Oh, yes.

Voldemort: [looking scandalized] Ooh! Do tell!

J.K. Rowling: [leaning in conspirationally] Are you sure you can take the truth?

Ron: [confidently] 'Course.

J.K. Rowling: It's going to be a H/Hr.

Ron promptly keels over and faints.

Harry and Hermione are currently bent over in a corner, puking their guts out.

Ginny is sobbing unrestrainedly, hiccupping occasionally. Voldemort is awkwardly comforting her.

Draco is trying to pretend that he isn't the biggest R/Hr shipper ever, and failing miserably.

Lockhart is happily picking lint off the floor. Oh, well.

J.K. Rowling: [ducking from the death glares shot her way] JUST KIDDING!!! It's going to be an R/Hr.

Ron promptly sits up.

Ron: You're kidding! I fainted for nothing? I'll probably be called a nancy boy for the next two years and you tell me you're kidding!?

Harry and Hermione immediately stop puking and wash their mouths.

Ginny's tears magically vanish.

Draco: [brightening] Oh!

*