The Grand Master Plan

FRED: Hi, I'm Fred.

GEORGE: And I'm George!

BOTH: AND WE'RE YOUR CRITICS FOR TONIGHT!

GEORGE: This night's event is called "The Grand Master Plan" and it stars the characters from J.K. Rowling's acclaimed Harry Potter series!

FRED: The film begins on a cold stormy night in Chillingham Castle...

GEORGE: Shut up, Fred! You don't want to wreck the plot!

FRED: Plot? What Plot? She has plots now?

GEORGE: Yes, apparently, the author says it's a new fad.

FRED: Oh bloody hell! I do hope this means there'll still be room for useless commentary!

AUTHOR: Buahahaha! We'll see (A/N: This means "you can bet your Fizzing Whizbees on it!")!

FRED: O...K. Well, there's the Fruity Prologue. Start the story then...

GEORGE: You're not reading yet, are you?

FRED: Well what are you hanging around with us blokes for? Though we are devilishly handsome...

GEORGE: *ahem* I think you had best get on with it then...yes...er...that is what the cue card says, innit?

PART ONE: THE FRUITY PROLOGUE

The Death Eaters' circle was tight, leaving only one narrow space open for their Lord. All the torches in the castle were lit, casting an eerie glow upon their masked faces.

"Where is the Dark Lord?" asked Nott irritably. "His appointment was four hours ago!"

"Our Lord has his own personal agenda," Bellatrix Lestrange hissed. "You should know that, Nott."

Silence followed her statement, along with another ten-minute wait. When the ever-ominous, announcing pop of an Apparating wizard came, no one so much as flinched.

"Terribly sorry I was late," Voldemort said, a grotesque blush creeping into his cheeks. "Janice messed up the pore refinement so I had to dispose of her and the spa was hard-put to find a replacement."

There came a brief mutter of outrage from the Death Eaters at this unforgivable crime of making their Lord wait, but it subsided almost immediately.

Wormtail made one of his (many) near-fatal mistakes: "Are you sure she wasn't a spy for the Ministry, and now they know how to find you?" he asked.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed. Everyone knew that he was only the most hip-to-it wizard next to Harry Potter.

"Dear Wormtail, please think of what you're saying: everyone knows I'm only the most hip-to-it wizard next to the Potter boy. I wouldn't want to kill you so early in the game."

Wormtail's apology was murmured and the meeting commenced.

"Who's on for Rumour Patrol today?"

All eyes turned to Lucius Malfoy, who stepped forward at once. "I've heard tell that Potter will be hosting a ball at his Manor/Castle to find a good mate for his Weasley boyfriend."

"Hm, yes," Voldemort said wisely, "shame we had to liquidate his Mudblood girlfriend, really. She was a pesky, over-achieving, insufferable know-it-all, just like me."

"And J-Lo married Marc Anthony." Lucius returned to his original spot, signalling Voldemort to move on.

"Do we have any new clients, Bella?"

Bella shook her head fervently.

"Good. Goyle, how are our funds?"

"Funds?" Goyle asked, bewildered. "How should I know?"

"You are our Treasurer, are you not?"

"Oh, right... 100 galleons; enough for five large deep-pans and salads all around."

"Excellent!"

When someone's watch suddenly beeped, Voldemort threw his hands in the air, marking the end of the meeting. "The castle will be opened to Muggle tourists in five minutes!"

The Death Eaters disbanded and he waved them off.

"Remember, next Monday is the pizza party and the game at my place!"

He noticed Lucius moving to Disapparate and immediately grabbed him.

"I have another plan to kill Potter," he remarked gleefully.

"Does it involve sabotaging the ball?" Lucius asked with a subtle roll of his eyes.

"Yes! How did you know?"

"Ah...lucky guess?"

"Oh, well, we'll need that boy of yours for the job. If he succeeds, I'll take him on as a Death Eater."

Lucius looked to be considering this for a moment. "Deal," was his reply.

Voldemort giggled joyously and Disapparated spontaneously.

"That fruit," Lucius muttered.