Forbidden Socks

"For the first time I'm wearing coloured socks, and I feel great!" Harry and Ron looked up to see Hermione standing in the doorway with a fierce expression on her face.

"Um, that's nice, Hermione," Ron said slowly in the sort of soothing tone one uses when speaking to a possibly rabid dog.

"Yeah, I've always been a fan of, er, coloured socks," Harry agreed. Hermione looked from one to the other, her fierce expression causing the boys to hunch in their chairs. Suddenly, her face collapsed into despair while her body collapsed between them onto the couch.

"It's no use," she said morosely. Ron and Harry exchanged a worried look.

"Erm, what's no use, Hermione?" Harry asked quietly.

"I'm always going to be the 'practical one'!" she whined then covered her face with her hands. "Gust wanss ahi ont oobee eh rehbul." Harry and Ron were unable to understand Hermione while her face was hidden behind her hands.

"Hermione, we can't understand you while your face is hidden behind your hands," Harry pointed out.

"I said," Hermione began loudly, taking her hands away, "'just once I want to be a rebel!'" After this proclamation, she once again buried her face in her hands. There was long silent moment as Ron and Harry had a conversation over Hermione's head with their eyes.

Say something, Ron indicated, nodding his head at Hermione.

You say something, Harry retorted, furrowing his brow and pointing at Ron.

I don't know what to say, said Ron with a shrug.

With a roll of his eyes, Harry said, You are a complete moron when it comes to comforting girls. You should just admit you're a ponce with feelings for me and get over it.

Ron had nothing to say to this except: ...!

"Hermione," Harry said slowly, "why would wearing coloured socks make you a rebel?"

"Because!" Hermione shouted, her head coming up so quickly she almost hit both of them. "We're only supposed to wear either black or white socks with our uniforms!"

Harry attempted to give Ron another confused look, but Ron was still in shock from the expressive eye-roll Harry had thrown at him. With another eye-roll, Harry got up from the couch, taking Ron with him.

"We'll be right back, Hermione," Harry said sweetly over his shoulder as he steered Ron to a corner of the common room. "You idiot!" Harry smacked Ron on the arm.

"Ow!" exclaimed Ron. "What did you do that for?" he asked, rubbing the sore spot.

"Let me answer that question with a head-butt." And Harry did.

"OWWW!" Ron yelled, now rubbing his sore forehead. "What did you do THAT for?"

"The same reason I hit your arm: you are an idiot."

"I thought I was a ponce," Ron said, looking confused.

"You are? Since when?" Harry asked, clearly taken aback.

"You just...er...eye-rolled it at me!"

Harry waved that away. "Don't be stupid, I was just joking. The reason you're an idiot is because this is the perfect chance to tell Hermione how you feel about her, and you're just sitting there!"

"Oh. Is that why?" Ron absently rubbed his forehead again. "Are you sure this is the time?" Harry nodded vigorously. "Okay, you're the hero, so you should know." With that, Ron straightened his spine, put his shoulders back and marched over to Hermione as though he were going into battle.

Harry went out the portrait hole to give them some privacy.

"Hermione?" Ron said tentatively.

"Waad?" muttered Hermione, her head in her hands again.

"First of all, there is no rule that says students can't wear coloured socks." Ron thought he should get that straight.

"There isn't?" Hermione looked up at him suspiciously. Since when did Ron know the rule book cover-to-cover?

"No. But that isn't all." Ron stopped, looking uncomfortable.

"Ron, what is it?" Hermione shifted closer and took his hand, which made Ron flush.

"Hermione, I have to tell you something. And if I tell you, I'll feel better, right? Okay, um, we've been friends for a while now and I want you to be the first to know that...Voldemort is right behind you," Ron finished as Voldemort appeared in the common room.

"Oh, my!" said Lord Voldemort, looking around him. "Well, that was an unexpected side-effect." Then, Voldemort did the most horrible thing he had yet: he giggled. Ron and Hermione screamed and leapt up from the couch. "Oops!" Voldemort said as he noticed them. "Sorry, but I seem to be lost. Could you tell me where I am?"

Ron and Hermione exchanged nervous looks.

"You're in the common room of Gryffindor Tower," Hermione answered automatically.

"Hermione!" Ron shouted. "Blast your need to answer every question correctly!"

Hermione smacked her hands over her mouth. "Sseewrrie!" she squealed.

"Really?" Voldemort said, looking around him with renewed interest. "You wouldn't by any chance know where a Mr. Harry Potter is, would you?" he asked politely.

"He just stepped out," Hermione replied before she could stop herself. "AHH! It's like a curse!"

But Voldemort ignored this last comment and moved toward the portrait hole.

"Thanks so much for your help!" he called before exiting.

"Hermione! What are we going to do?" Ron asked in a panic.

"I don't know! We have to alert the teachers, or at least find Harry before You-Know-Who does."

"Well, maybe if you hadn't told him where Harry went!"

"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! Come on, let's go."

They charged through the portrait hole and ran smack into Voldemort's back.

"Oof!" exclaimed the darkest wizard of all times. Ron and Hermione tried to disentangle themselves, but only ended up more entangled. "I say, whose foot is that?"

"Hermione! Watch where you put your hands!"

"That's not me, Ron."

"Sorry, young man. And congratulations to you, young lady." Voldemort craned his head around to wink at Hermione.

"What's going on here?" another voice interrupted.

Hermione scrambled away from the various limbs and got to her feet. "Harry, run! It's Vold-Him!"

Harry looked from Hermione to the lump on the ground that was still Ron and Voldemort.

"Ron?" he said in a shocked voice as he watched the strange movements Ron was making. "Well, I can't say I'm totally surprised. You'll boink anything, won't you?"

"Help!" Ron cried desperately.

"Well, if you would just hold still, I could sort us out," Voldemort replied, sounding mildly cross.

Harry and Hermione grabbed Ron's arms and pulled until he came free.

"Ah!" Voldemort exclaimed. "That's much better, thank you." He stood and brushed his robes off, then touched his face as though checking it was still there. "Merlin's balls! Who has my nose?" he shouted in panic. "Wait, sorry, it was already gone. Still not used to that. Now," he turned to look at Harry. "Would you mind terribly if I kill you?"

"Actually, yes, I do mind," Harry said firmly.

"Oh." Voldemort looked surprised. "Well, I'm sorry, but I really have to kill you." He grinned apologetically and the trio shuddered with revulsion.

"Why?" Harry asked, stalling for time.

The evil wizard looked puzzled. "Um, hold on, I'm sure there's a good reason. Let's see...for money? No... For love? No, that's not it. Hmmm...I think it's because I'm evil. Yeah, I think that's it. Now, please hold still." Voldemort brought his wand up to point at Harry.

"Wait!" the trio shouted.

"Why?" Voldemort wanted to know.

"We just need a moment to, uh, say goodbye," Ron said quickly.

"Oh, all right. But make it quick."

Harry, Ron and Hermione retreated a little way and put their heads together.

"What are we going to do?" Hermione asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, Hermione, I have an idea," Harry assured her. "Have you noticed that Voldemort is acting a little strange?"

"You mean the way he's not killing you, but standing by the Fat Lady, humming a jaunty tune while we make plans to escape and/or kill him first?" said Ron.

"Yeah, that," Harry agreed. "He doesn't seem like himself. I think we can use that to our advantage. All we have to do is convince him that he's not evil."

Ron and Hermione blinked confusedly at him.

"Come on!" Harry urged. "You heard what he said: the only reason he wants to kill me is because he's evil, so if we convince him he's not, he won't have to kill me. I call it Operation Non-Evil Voldemort. What do you think?"

"I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan," said Hermione with a shake of her head.

"We attack him with hummus," Ron put in.

Hermione stared at him. "I stand corrected."

Ron shrugged. "Just trying to keep things in perspective."

"So we're agreed?" Harry asked, bringing them back to the subject at hand. Ron and Hermione nodded and put their hands out. Harry put a hand on top of theirs. Together they took a deep breath and said, "Goooo N.E.V.!" With that, they turned back to face the man who was patiently waiting to kill Harry.

"Ready?" he asked as the trio moved forward.

Harry shook his head. "I don't think you're going to kill me," he said confidently.

"You don't? But I came all this way, albeit by accident. You see, I was trying some of Malfoy's Incredibly Effective Rum, but apparently one shouldn't mix that with Floo Powder."

"You ate Floo Powder?" Harry asked, feeling slightly nauseous.

"No, but I had just done a line of it when a house-elf handed me the Incredibly Effective Rum."

"You can do lines of Floo Powder?" Ron said excitedly, but shut up when Hermione glared at him.

"Do you have this rum with you?" Harry asked.

Hermione turned to tell him off for thinking about drinking at a time like this, when she noticed that he was looking oddly thoughtful.

Voldemort, meanwhile, was digging through his pockets. "Here it is," he said, producing a bottle with the letters I.E.R. on it.

Harry took the bottle and studied the label carefully. "Look!" he shouted suddenly, pointing behind Voldemort. "A decoy!"

"Where?" asked Voldemort, turning around.

Harry waved his wand over the bottle of rum and Hermione saw something change on the label.

"Ah!" he said suddenly, and Voldemort turned back to look at him. "I thought so! You're not going to kill me."

"Why not?" Voldemort asked with a pout.

"Because you have no reason to," Harry replied triumphantly.

"I already told you: I'm evil. That's why I have to kill you."

"But you're not evil anymore."

"I'm not? I thought I felt different. Why aren't I evil? And if that's true, why hasn't my nose grown back?"

"Well, I don't know about your nose," Harry said slowly, "but if you drank this, you can't be evil." Everyone continued to look confused, so Harry explained. "This isn't Incredibly Effective Rum. It's Instant Evil Removal. See, it says so on the label."

They all crowded around to look where Harry was pointing.

"Huh," Voldemort said as he straightened up. "I guess you're right. How silly. I hardly know what to do with myself now." The Dark Lord looked so lost that Harry, Ron and Hermione felt a little bad.

"How about this," Harry began, putting an arm across Voldemort's shoulders. "Let's go have tea in Dumbledore's office and figure this all out. How does that sound?"

A smile spread across Voldemort's features, which looked very strange without a nose, and allowed Harry to steer him down the hall. "Do you think there will be lemon drops? I love lemon drops."

"I'm sure Dumbledore will have lemon drops," Harry said soothingly.

Ron and Hermione watched Harry and Voldemort walking arm-in-arm down the hall before turning to face one another.

"So, Ron. What were you going to say?" Hermione asked.

"Oh, um, I cheated on my Divination homework," Ron mumbled, having lost his courage. Facing down Voldemort was one thing, but telling Hermione he loved her was a completely different and entirely terrifying other thing. Hermione smiled a small, secret smile, one that said she knew more than Ron thought.

"Your secret's safe with me, Ron," she said, patting his hand reassuringly.

The End