Harry Potter and the Sticking Broom

Epilogue by Kennilworthy Whisp

In any discussion of the noble sport of warlocks, the last word rightfully belongs to Kennilworthy Whisp. Author of such informative works as He Flew Like a Madman (a biography of "Dangerous" Dai Llewellyn) and Beating the Bludgers - a Study of Defensive Strategies in Quidditch, Whisp is a renowned Quidditch expert (and, he says, fanatic).

The second edition of Quidditch Through the Ages, Whisp's authoritative text on the game from Queerditch Marsh, is soon to be released. Its publishers, Whizz Hard Books, have declared this to be the most eagerly anticipated book ever written. Which is saying something, because Whizz Hard books also published Celestina Warbeck's tell-all memoir, Horrible, Hairy Men - Their Part in My Downfall.

Whizz Hard books have granted permission for the following extract from Quidditch Through the Ages, Second Edition to be reprinted. It is from the chapter, "Quidditch in the Nineties," and deals specifically with the aftermath of the Hogwarts St Mungo's Benefit Quidditch Tournament.

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... Although the editors of the Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly and Which Broomstick? were, at the time, unanimous in declaring the tournament, "a debacle," it is memorable to Quidditch enthusiasts around the world for a number of reasons.

Most tragically, it marks the last time that Oliver Wood was welcomed onto a Quidditch pitch in Britain with anything approaching enthusiasm. Two weeks after he acted as referee in the tournament, the Chudley Cannons Keeper left for the Australian outback. There he played his first, and only, Ashes series for England. He acquitted himself admirably during all seven matches, and helped the English team to come closer to retrieving the Ashes than on any occasion during the past century. However, as the series progressed, he also became smitten with the Australian Seeker, Charlene Minogue. After the Flying Kangaroos won the Ashes trophy for the one hundred and twelfth consecutive time, Wood pursued Minogue on her victory lap and proposed to her. When she accepted, Wood immediately emigrated to Australia. He now flies for the Thundelarra Thunderers and is the Australian Keeper.

Wood's departure was, and still is, a source of great distress for British Quidditch fans. It prompted the Weird Sisters to compose their best selling tune, May You Fall Off Your Broom, You Traitorous Scumbag. This song is a favourite with English crowds and is sung by them, spontaneously and loudly, whenever the English and Australian teams meet.

However, if the tournament marked the end of one promising career in the League, it also signalled the beginning of another. Angelina Johnson, star Chaser for the Falmouth Falcons, captained the Hogwarts All School Team. She came to the attention of Falcon's director, Karl Broadmoor, when, during the final match of the tournament, she ordered one of her Beaters to break an opponent's nose. Within a week of leaving Hogwarts, she was invited to fly with the Falcons.

She is a favourite with Quidditch enthusiasts, who marvel at her speed and skill, and lager louts, who admire her other attributes. However, she is most famous for her aggressive play. Throughout her professional career, she has shown an unfailing adherence to the Falmouth Falcons' motto, "Let us win, but if we cannot win, let us break a few heads."

It is a mark of the level of celebrity Johnson has now attained that, when the Nimbus Racing Broom Company released the New Nimbus 1200 (after many years of unsuccessful and injurious testing) they named the titanium-handled model, "The Angelina." The poster initially used to advertise The Angelina is keenly sought by collectors of Quidditch memorabilia. It features Johnson, seductively clad and astride the broom, with the caption, "Ride on Angelina." The poster was withdrawn from circulation three days after it was issued, after strident complaints from the Wizards' Family Values League.

Johnson is the only member of the Hogwarts All School Team to have successfully pursued a career in professional Quidditch. However, some other team members have continued to show an interest in the sport. Beater, George Weasley, is part owner of a notorious joke shop in Diagon Alley. In his spare time, he acts as assistant coach of the Wivenhoe Whizbees. This team won the 2002 Grand Final of the Junior Quidditch League, Under Eight Year Old Division. They are also the pride of their school, Bell's Academy of Flight, which is one of the finest flying academies in Essex.

The unofficial reserve Beater for the Hogwarts All School Team, Fred Weasley, maintains a far more ignominious link with Quidditch. Over a number of years, he has established a reputation as a problem spectator. This is mainly due to his relentless harassment of Quidditch commentator and Wizard Wireless Radio announcer, Lee Jordan. Fred Weasley's antics have caused him to be banned (as a bloody nuisance and fire hazard) from all League pitches, with the exception of the Falmouth Falcons' home ground. However, when the Falcons play at home, Quidditch fans are advised to either give Weasley a wide berth, or wear something non-combustible.

The Hogwarts All School Team Keeper, Merlin Rhys-Jones, no longer plays Quidditch. He is the proprietor of Merlin's Magickal Herbs and Fungi, located two kilometres south of the Puffin Roundabout at Penmaenmawr. Shortly after he left school, Rhys-Jones began to play the Muggle sport of rugby. He presently plays Blindside Flanker (whatever that may be) for the Llandudno First XV. His Muggle teammates and fans are so impressed with Rhys-Jones' expertise that they have given him the nickname, "The Wizard."

Other team members have followed non-sporting careers. Mordred Avery's family suffered a reversal of fortune after the Second War. The former Chaser is currently a stylist at Medusa's House of Hair in Knockturn Alley. Beater, Vincent Crabbe, works as a Dugbog exterminator for the Mandrake farmers on Dartmoor Marsh. Chaser, Cho Chang, is a thespian of note, whose performance as Wendelin the Weird in last year's production, The Lady's Not For Burning, won critical acclaim.

The fate of the Seeker of the Hogwarts All School Team, Harry Potter, hardly needs explanation. Hero of the Second War, the Bloke Who Lived, Potter was recently appointed the youngest ever Minister of Magic. His biographer, Dr Hermione Granger, notes that the Hogwarts St Mungo's Benefit Quidditch Tournament marked a turning point in Potter's attitude to Quidditch. Prior to the tournament, Potter was a gifted and enthusiastic proponent of the game. Afterwards, he (to quote Dr Granger), "decided it might be altogether more sensible, and possibly even safer, to concentrate his attention on defeating Lord Voldemort." He continues to fly, for recreational purposes, but has never played Quidditch again.

Our chief Minister does, however, maintain a familial interest in the noble sport of warlocks. In addition to the family members mentioned above, Potter's wife is a test flier for Which Broomstick? magazine and his youngest brother-in-law, Ronald Weasley, is Keeper for the Chudley Cannons.

The Dangerous Dai Commemorative Medal is awarded annually to the player who has taken the most exciting and foolhardy risks during a game. It was awarded to an amateur player, for the first and only time, following the Hogwarts St Mungo's Benefit Quidditch Tournament. Professor Severus Snape's medal has never been claimed by its recipient. It remains on display, in the offices of the Britain and Ireland Quidditch League, at the Ministry of Magic. Quidditch trivia buffs do not tire of boring their unsurprisingly few friends with this information.

Used with permission of Whizz Hard Books © 2003

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