Dumbledore, Please Explain Your Twisted Logic!

Dumbledore is putting on a play about the four Hogwarts Founders. Does anyone get the parts they want? Of course not! Mayhem ensues, complete with comedy, romance, insanity, tragedy, Slut!Draco, Harry/Ginny spats, Macho!Ron with a twist, Smart!Goyle, and some very irate parents. Oh, and some nude wrestling, too. Cue the curtain! Slightly AU

Time for the auditions! The only problem is, Dumbledore has his own way of auditioning people, and nobody knows what to expect. Draco cheats on Pansy big time, Ron is macho, And Loser is a loser. Among other things.

Does Malfoy get to play Slytherin like he wanted? Is Harry playing Gryffindor, or even the battle hero? Perhaps Hermione gets the role of Ravenclaw... or not. Perhaps Dumbledore has something else in mind--a few tricks up the sleeve, for instance, and none of them very pleasant.

Professor Vector is a meany. So is Dumbledore. Trelawney has some elaborate hallucinations. Play practice is torture, and Luna starts poaching on Ginny's territory. She'd better watch out!

Attack of the molesting tape measures! Dumbledore teaches Loser how to say some choice swearwords. And what exactly is going on between Ginny and Harry... and Luna?

What do you do when being a macho man becomes just too hard? Ron is about to find out!

The parents catch wind of the Founders Play. They aren't happy. And Madame Pomfrey must deal with the worst of them: Tampon Lady.

Draco/Trelawney time! Why the heck are they together in the first place? And what is Draco going to do about Pansy?

Lavender and Parvati are desperate. Loser messes up big time. Dumbledore, as always, is no help to anyone, so who's going to fix this? Why, Ron, of course!

Can Lavender and Parvati make 105 costumes in one night? Can Hermione make her hair look better? And will Dumbledore even try to stop the three fights that break out on the set? The answer to at least one of these is: No.

Gregory Goyle and Hermione Granger go to the library and... have a conversation. Boring, huh? Nope, not quite.

A Heebripple proves to be far more useful than a winter cloak when Luna and Harry go out to the stables to practice their scenes. And Ron and Ginny have a little talk.

Neville. Draco. Dumbledore. Phineas Nigellus. Gilderoy Lockhart. The Fat Lady. Two of these people wrestle. Naked. Hint: see the slash warning!

The parents decide that it is time to protest the play, and they disrupt practice. Not that everything was going hunky-dory before that, but still...

Draco discovers a new fetish involving hair. After a bit of practice, he decides he wants to try it out on Hermione. But Hermione--and Pansy--don't plan to take this lying down!

The parents are back again, this time complaining about the sexuality and nudity. Some questions weigh heavily on the minds of Dumbledore and the students, such as: Will the parents succeed in excising to nudity? And how to get Harry out of the way so he doesn't raise a fuss?

Something very, very bad happens: Harry and Luna have to practice their nude scene! But will something good come out it? Harry and Luna (and Ginny!) are all about to find out.

As if Harry hasn't had enough nudity to deal with already, Ron insists they go skinny dipping. What's worse, they run into someone... or should I say sometwo? Or maybe even somethree...

Draco is given an unfavorable detention, Trelawney is consumed by her love for a certain Slytherin student, and Loser must face up to an unlikely bully. And what exactly are those parents up to?

Hermione stumbles upon something very tragic... Or is it perhaps a blessing in disguise? Moaning Myrtle tells all!

Draco gets a rude awakening when he finds out just how the girls feel about him. And what does Neville have to say? Also, if you haven't already guessed, there's an epic orgy. Seriously! Send your kiddies to the kitchen to do the dishes.

Ivana has a horrendous trick up her sleeve! The question is, what is it? Why is Harry cursing a filmmaker who's already dead? And how will both these issues affect the play?

Dumbledore's taken to court! Now it's up to the students to save him, or maybe up to one student. The question is, will that student do what he (or she) must?

Curtain time! How does the public react to Dumbledore's incendiary play?

With great fanfare this story closes, and the loose ends are tied up. "Loose ends" here means "Connie, Clifford, Draco, Neville, Harry, Ginny, McGonagall, and Dumbledore all get a last little bit of glory before I scribe the words THE END." And then I scribe the words "THE END." Close curtain!