Dumbledore, Please Explain Your Twisted Logic!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JKR. Any perversion, however, is likely of my own creation, and she shouldn't be held responsible. :)

Chapter Sixteen

A Lot of Sexuality and Nudity and Their Defense

By the next morning the entire school knew that Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson had broken up the night before. The breakfast chatter was even louder than normal, especially since neither Draco nor Pansy showed their faces the entire hour. How bad was the breakup?--They all wondered. What caused it? Was there any chance they'd get back together, or was it time to pounce before the relationship was even cold in its grave?

"I think we should pounce," Parvati said later that morning in Divination. The perspiration on her neck gave her a decidedly aroused air, though perhaps the incensed candles and the heavy fire were to blame. "I mean, Draco's a hottie, there's no denying that. And what's more, he's a free hottie. Definite shag material."

"But he's a boor," Ernie said, sounding a little hacked off, though, once again, it may have been the heat in the tower that caused his irritability. "Why do you girls have to go after all the bad boys?"

"Because," Lavender replied, which wasn't much of an answer at all. She turned back to Parvati and continued the conversation.

"Maybe he wouldn't make the best boyfriend, though," Parvati said slowly. "I heard he goes around quite a bit."

"That's what Pansy's been telling everyone," Lavender agreed. "She's so furious it's unbelievable. I can't blame the poor girl, really--did no one think to tell her all these years that she had a cheater for a boyfriend?"

"I guess not," Parvati said, shrugging. "I wouldn't have wanted to tell her, if I had known her better. It's not exactly the best of news to spread."

"Ah, shut the fuck up," Lavender jibed. "You would've so totally told her the second you found out!"

"Has Draco really slept around that much?" Colin said, his question sounding almost like a complaint. "How do you know all the girls that say they did him aren't really just making it up? Maybe they just kissed him, or touched him, or maybe nothing at all, and Draco plays along because he likes all the notches in his belt."

"Believe me, we've thought of that already," Parvati promised. "And we've figured that perhaps Draco hasn't slept with everyone he says. But there's no doubt that he's been around."

Professor Trelawney listened to the conversation with wide ears and tearing eyes. This was quite a lot to take in all at once--firstly, Draco was free! Free at last from the disgusting Parkinson girl who held him in her clutches for far too long! Obviously he had grown tired of the charade and dumped that imposter who called herself his girlfriend.

It must be because he wishes to spend more time with me, Trelawney figured, half desperately. He loves me, I'm sure, with the same searing passion that I love him! He's broken up with Pansy because he wishes to be with me!

"There's a crusty spot on my armchair," Ernie said, touching it gently. He leaned down to sniff it and wrinkled his nose. "It smells like old pancake batter," he said. "Hey, do any of you guys know what this could be?"

Secondly, Draco had slept around with other girls. A lot of other girls. After an internal debate and a good deal of evasive thought, Trelawney decided to set the matter aside. It was obviously a thing of the past, and surely Draco hadn't engaged in that sort of licentiousness since he began meeting her. No, Draco's heart belonged to her and her alone, and he had proved it by leaving the girl who was trying to interfere with their beautiful relationship.

Trelawney was clearly the slave of some severe delusion, and what didn't help was that the trapdoor opened suddenly, and Draco Malfoy himself climbed up the ladder and into the cramped tower.

For a second the entire room was still except for the sputtering of the scented candles and the crackle from a heavy log in the fire. Parvati and Lavender abruptly stopped their conversation and gaped at the blond Slytherin, desperately trying to look as if they hadn't spent all morning talking about him and that his entrance was merely a happy surprise. Ernie and Colin looked both uncomfortable and annoyed, while Luna and Loser merely knitted their eyebrows and frowned at the intruding young man. Professor Trelawney, however, jumped half a mile in her seat, a crazed look of worship flooding her blushing face. Her handles fluttered and her dress rustled as she gradually lost control of her nerves. Draco himself looked hot and bothered--that is to say, extremely bothered and extremely hot. Parvati and Lavender subconsciously relocated their hands from their throats to their nipples, but Trelawney looked ready to orgasm without even touching herself.

Luna was the first to break the silence. She looked into the pile of ashes she was supposed to be reading and said loudly, "I predict that Clifford will knock over a crystal ball, and it will break."

Sure enough, a second later, Loser's hand suddenly flailed out and sent a crystal ball careening across the room, where it shattered against the siding at the base of the wall. "Whoops," he said lightly, dusting off his hands. "Now let me try to read the future." He gazed into his pile of ashes, which strangely took the form of a naked woman, and said slowly, "I'm gazing into the future... it's a murky future to be sure... death is in the air. Whose death, it's hard to say."

Trelawney twitched at the word death, and her hand also relocated to her bosom as she turned to face Loser. "Death?" she whispered with a pleasurable shudder.

"Death," Loser repeated firmly looking her straight in the eye. "I cannot see who shall leave us, but what I do see with absolute certainty is that, in the next few seconds, Luna will slap Malfoy's butt."

Right after Loser had finished his prediction, Luna reached out and landed a firm spanking right across Draco's molded buttcheek. He let out a yelp and whirled around to glare at Luna. "So sorry, Drac," Luna said sweetly. "It was fated to happen."

Trelawney gaped at both Luna and Loser, her face a little dazed. "Top marks for the day, you two," she whispered, her gaze flickering from them to Draco. "Now you're all dismissed."

"What?" Parvati cried, startled. "It's barely fifteen minutes into class!"

"You're dismissed!" Trelawney cried.

"Any homework?" Ernie asked, despite Colin's attempts to shush him.

"No, no homework!" Trelawney replied wildly, her breath growing heavy. "You're dismissed, you're all dismissed! Have a good day, my dears!"

As her bewildered class gathered up their belongings and clambered down the stepladder, Sybil Trelawney inexorably reached for the zipper in the back of her dress, her fingers having a mind of their own as they prepared to strip off her unwanted garment. Draco, however, had different ideas. As soon as Luna and Loser disappeared down the stepladder, closing the trapdoor behind them, Draco yanked Sybil's hands away from her dress and threw her into a huge purple armchair. She let out a startled gasp as he reached forward and, with an awesome tear, ripped her dress fully down the front, all the way from the collar to the lowest hem. As her elongated breasts spilled from her shirt, he took one in his mouth and began sucking so hard that it hurt. "Death..." Sybil Trelawney moaned through the pain as Draco chewed on her nipple. "Fuck... fuck!"

"I'll show you fuck." Draco ground his words into her chest. He tore off her underwear as well and threw them into the corner of the room.

"Death!" Trelawney moaned. The pain was building, but as it grew more acute, she felt her desire for Draco rise. She wanted him to bite her--to whip her, even! To kill her! Death and love combined, gloriously glued by the mess of fuck!

Draco fiddled with his wand for a second, and suddenly his clothes were on the ground beside him. Pinning Trelawney roughly against the chintzy armchair, he drove into her as hard as he could. She let out a cry of "DEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAATH!" The word filled the tower and echoed in its tiny space, paining her ears and sending agonizing spasms through her lungs. Draco displayed no self-control as he battered into her, his face pained with emotion and his hands shaking against the arms of the chair.

"I want to fuck you until you're fucking dead!" he snarled, giving her no respite. "I want to pierce you right the fuck through, and I want it to hurt so bad that all you can do is scream and shriek and beg for mercy!"

"PLEASE!" Trelawney cried in a desperate attempt at begging. "PLEASE, FUCK ME FOREVER, AND DON'T EVER STOP, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME! I LOVE IT SO FUCKING MUCH--I WANT THIS TO BE THE REST OF MY LIFE! I LOVE IT AS MUCH AS FUCKING DEATH! DO ME THE FUCK MORE!"

After another excruciatingly painful minute, it was over. Draco lay on top of Sybil, his hands still digging into the arms of the chair. She trembled beneath him, cherishing every shot of pain in her system, knowing that Draco had caused it and loving him for it. The pain he gave her was also her pleasure, for it was clear he was in pain as well, and to think that he would share it with her was so humbling, and so awe-inspiring, that she hardly dared to breathe and continue living! When she begged for him, it wasn't a sexual act--it truly was begging. She wanted to spend forever in his arms, loving him and letting him love her. She treasured every dip in his arm and every sparse hair on his chest, the tingle of his breath and the friction of his legs against hers. In his embrace the world felt right again--everything fucked was unfucked, and everything unfucked found love. What a glorious world it would be if Draco simply held her forever!

Draco's face, dark as it was already with barely suppressed anger, twisted into a cruel grimace, and he shot suddenly to his feet. For a moment longer he glared at Trelawney, surveying her with what seemed to be contempt, though she felt (or hoped) that the contempt wasn't aimed at her. "Everything is so fucked up," he finally snarled. And he strode towards the trapdoor, still naked. He left, summoning his clothes after him.

You're right, Trelawney thought despairingly. Now that you're gone, everything is fucked up.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of the stepladder, Luna and Loser hid behind an Invisibility Charm that she had learned from Harry just last night, both trying to suppress their giggles as they watched Draco storm down the stepladder completely naked. When the trapdoor was shut and Draco had disappeared down the staircase, they both let loose their gales of laughter.

"Malfoy and Trelawney!" Loser guffawed, unable to contain himself as he beat at the floor with his fists.

"She must be more desperate than I thought!" Luna said, her silvery laughter filling the hallway. "Going after a student like that!

"And I thought Malfoy was a freak before..." Loser said.

"I've heard of cradle robbing," Luna said sweetly, "but who would ever rob the nuthouse? Unless, of course, there was the promise of an inheritance."

"Which there isn't," Loser grinned. "Trelawney's a teacher--she's dirt poor, and she stinks of sherry. What cheap taste, even for a Malfoy."

And so on and so forth. Neither of them could know, however, that this was no laughing matter.

**********

Neville left Transfiguration that morning, unaware of the students that hurried around his lagging footsteps. He had done so poorly in class today that McGonagall had suggested he start tutoring with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays, much to his chagrin. He was kicking himself over ever entering NEWT Transfiguration--the subject was nightmarish enough without having to deal with it every single day of the week! He had finished last year with a high A, and McGonagall had decided to let him continue into Seventh Year if he promised to pull up his grade to a low E. Sadly, Seventh Year proved many times harder than Sixth Year, and he was stuck smack-dab in the P range. Just how many O's would he have to get to offset--

Something rudely interrupted his thoughts--or rather someone. Neville felt a strong arm grab him around the stomach and force him bodily into a nearby broom cupboard, at which a pair of hands ripped off his robes and tore violently at the bare skin beneath his shirt. His trousers were next to go, in one fell swoop.

Neville let out a scream garbled with a gasp, which made him sound like a wild animal. He hadn't yet processed what exactly was happening, as it had all passed so quickly, but when he felt a foreign presence near the cleft of his buttocks, he stopped trying to resist the attack. In the same moment, his assailant swiped an entire shelf clean of its supplies, making room for Neville's spinning head and sweating torso. This left the shell-shocked Gryffindor bent at a right angle with the curve of his buttocks forming the sculpted corner. A draft of air blasted his sphincter and tickled his intestines, but a second later the aforesaid foreign presence slammed into him, blocking any breeze from entering or exiting.

For a minute or so (he had difficulty measuring time at this moment) Neville experienced some of the most delightfully rough sensations he'd ever undergone in his entire life. Then it was over, and Neville was left gasping on the shelf with his raging hard on brushing against a splinter. Draco turned to leave--yes, Neville now knew it was Draco, for who the hell else could it possibly be?--and he even went as far as to open the door, but that was before Neville regained use of his facilities.

Pulling his head out of the shelf and bumping it along the way, Neville pounced on Draco and sent him crashing to the ground. The Slytherin's pants were on but still not secure, so it only took Neville one thoughtless second before they were around Draco's knees.

The Gryffindor boy leaned down to Draco's ear and whispered, "Don't even think of leaving me so rudely." And he turned the tables on Draco's arse, half-in and half-out of the cupboard, in view for anyone to see.

When Neville had come off as well, he leaned down and placed a firm kiss on Draco's neck. The blond Slytherin shuddered rigidly as the kisses moved in a conscious line from his throat to his shoulder. Neville pulled Draco's soft silk shirt all the way up to the armpit, then buried his face inside the man's ribs, making a map of Draco's perfect body inside his mind.

This was paradise as Neville had never before experienced. When he kissed Draco, it not only felt good in a physical sense--it felt so incredibly right. Sometimes Neville thought that, if he kissed Draco long enough, the world would finally being to make sense.

What was weird, though, was that he'd hated Draco for so long, and now suddenly they were having the best sex he'd ever experienced. How was such a thing even possible? Sexual pleasure, Neville has always thought, should be born from love, or at least from a strong mutual inclination. He and Luna had... well, not exactly loved each other, but they had liked each other an awful lot. So they had had sex, and Neville enjoyed it. Really, he did. But it wasn't as good as the sex he was having now, which really threw a curveball into Neville's logic. A mutual hatred shouldn't produce such awesome eroticism! And yet it did, and Neville no longer wanted to care how, just so long as it kept happening.

A minute later McGonagall left her classroom, and Neville and Draco just barely managed to disappear back into the broom cupboard. As her footsteps receded, Neville put his clothes back on and left the closet. He got to Charms ten minutes late, but he didn't care. He sat down quietly in his seat and pretended to take notes while he mentally reviewed his onrush of sexual euphoria.

I wonder how many people in this classroom have had sex in the past twenty-four hours? Neville mused, eyeing various classmates. I wonder if Harry Potter got a blowjob from Ginny Weasley last night? He looked for some sign in Harry's face that might betray such a secret, but it was rather hard to interpret any expression as: "I got head last night and loved it!" Maybe Lavender and Parvati experimented with diddling each other. But no look from either of them hinted at such an occurrence. Or maybe Flitwick took Professor Vector from behind in a broom cupboard right before class! Neville supposed this couldn't be the case, either, as his tiny teacher looked just as unsexed as ever.

When they look at me, Neville thought, I wonder if they can tell that I've just had sex? Do they eye me and wonder the same things that I wonder about them? Is Hermione gazing into my eyes and trying to detect the exact glint that alerts her to the fact that I've just taken it up the arse with Draco?

~~~~~

Neville was so lost in thought that he didn't even hear the girls on the other end of the room as they discussed Draco Malfoy in excited whispers.

"So what do you think about him breaking up with Pansy?" Parvati asked some of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.

"I heard it's because he slept around with tons of people," Padma said.

"Who fucking cares?" Parvati said excitedly. "He's free--that's all that matters! Now we can fuck him with impunity."

"Even if he's doing tons of other girls at the same time?" Hannah said doubtfully. "I dunno, it sounds real dodgy."

"Heck, as long as he does his protective charms, he can do the Giant Squid, for all I care!" Lavender said gleefully. "Just so long as he gives me a turn!"

"But from what Pansy's been telling every girl she meets," Hannah continued, "it sounds like Draco does five girls in a row, one right after the other. That doesn't sound conducive for a healthy relationship at all."

"Pansy's just mad at Draco," Parvati surmised, "and she's obviously lying. No guy can cum five times in a row. Believe me, I've tried to make them, and I have a hard time getting even a second orgasm, never mind a fifth."

And thus the girls surmised that Draco was still as desirable as he had always been, if not more so. Pansy's vengeful truth-telling had been for naught.

**********

Play practice on Friday actually went well. Except for the minor blip or two, everyone remembered their lines; what's more, they actually acted instead of reeling off their monologues and dialogues like robots. The sets were now complete, the props all made, and the play was truly beginning to take shape. The special effects crew still had to figure out a few tricks, the lighting team was still doing a last few experimentations, and Flitwick was still practicing the singing portions with some of the actors, but overall the play was really beginning to come together.

Around quarter past five, Dumbledore stopped to give everyone a round of praise. "Excellent work, all of you!" he said, beaming at them. "We've come so far in such a short time, and you don't know how happy it makes me to see you all--fifty people from the four different houses--working together, some of you for the first time ever. This is the kind of teamwork Hogwarts needs right now... and for always. Keep up the good work!

"Today is Friday the 13^th of November. Next week we'll begin blocking for Act IV, and then we'll be doing full dress rehearsals for the next two weeks. The play will open on Friday, December 4^th and play through Saturday and Sunday. Make sure your parents mark those dates on their calendars!"

The students actually smiled a little, and Hermione pulled out a daily planner and made a note to write to her parents. Dumbledore grinned at them all, then turned to Harry and Luna and said, "So... the big scene is coming up! Are you both prepared for it?"

Harry scowled darkly at Dumbledore and opened his mouth to retort, but just as he was forming the words "Fuck you," McGonagall strode through the double doors. Harry shut his mouth quickly; although Dumbledore would let profanity slip by with no more than a finger-wagging, the strict Transfiguration professor was likely to give a detention and a hefty points deduction.

"Dumbledore," she said briskly. "There are five dozen women walking through the grounds of Hogwarts, accompanied by all twelve governors, and they're headed for the Great Hall."

Dumbledore's eyes widened with considerable concern, but he didn't stop smiling. "Oh really, Minerva? Well, well, well. Thanks for telling me. Do you know what they want?"

"I have a general idea," she said darkly, tapping her foot on the ground.

Dumbledore sighed and shook his head. "Ah well, time for the fun to begin, I suppose."

"Yes. Right." McGonagall took a deep breath and continued. "Listen, I also came here to borrow Harry."

"Oh, yes, feel free!" Dumbledore said quickly, sounding strangely delighted at the idea. "Harry, you heard her. Accompany her from the Great Hall, and make sure to protect her in the hallways--you know, if a student tries to rape her or something."

Both Harry and McGonagall pursed their lips, but the raven-haired Gryffindor followed his head-of-house from the Great Hall without complaint. As they strode through the Entrance Hall, McGongall's shoes clicking measuredly against the marbled floor, Harry asked, "So, Professor, what do you need me for?"

"Wait until we get to my office," she said simply. She, however, didn't seem interested in reaching her office sooner rather than later, for instead of increasing her pace she actually slowed down and took the stairs at barely more than a measured crawl.

~~~~~

Down in the Great Hall, Ron and Ginny caught sight of Loser cowering in a dark corner of the wings, his face twisted in terror and his fingers trembling around each other. They hastened to his side. "How do you feel, Loser?" Ron asked him compassionately. "Do you want to face your mother? Do you feel you're ready?"

"I--" Loser whimpered, his eyes watering and his cheeks drawn in around his puckering lips. "Well, I think I should--"

"But are you ready?" Ron interrupted him. "I don't care if you feel you should be standing up to your mother. If you aren't ready, it'll do no good."

Loser squinched his eyes shut and turned his face away from the two Weasleys. He took a few deep breaths and turned around, looking calmer than before, though his eyes still watered. "Look," he whispered as smoothly as he could, "I'm not ready. I'm--I'm just gonna stutter again, and I couldn't stand that. I need more time."

"Then let's get out of here," Ron said. "How 'bout a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks?"

"Sounds good to me," Ginny agreed.

Loser managed a watery smile and said, with a deep breath, "Okay then. Look, guys, sorry that I can't, you know--"

"No need to apologize," Ginny said. "We're going to forget all about mums and plays and school, and we're just going to enjoy ourselves for the rest of the afternoon and evening."

"And we'll ask Hermione to update us on what's going on," Ron added.

And with that, they sneaked out the backstage exit and entered the Entrance Hall just as the mob of parents passed into the Great Hall.

~~~~~

"We're back, Dumbledore!" Ivana cried. "Just as we said we would be." She headed the group of angry parents, which had swelled from fifty to sixty since Monday. "And this time we brought the Board of Governors with us." The school governors stood in the back of the crowd, their stiff postures and shifty eyes betraying that they wished to be anywhere but where they currently stood.

"Wonderful, wonderful," Dumbledore said gaily. "Have you come to watch the play practice?"

"We've come to shut it down for good," Ivana said sourly.

For a second Dumbledore didn't respond. In fact, he seemed to be ignoring her entirely, as he was busy counting the governors on his fingers. "There's only eleven of you," he said, frowning at them. "Where's the twelfth?"

"Right here, Albyliciousness!" Xenophilius said, waving both arms and jumping up and down. His dress robes of flaming magenta only drew more unnecessary attention to himself.

"But of course!" Dumbledore said, chuckling. "You've been a governor eleven years, Xenophilius, and you still don't feel the need to wear the official governor robes?"

"Nope nope," Xenophilius replied, shaking his head. "I masquerade as a parent most of the time; it gives the board a fresh perspective it otherwise wouldn't have. Now where's my Luna-poo? I want to give her a big hug!"

"Here, Daddy!" Luna sprinted off the stage and pounced into her father's arms, where they gave each other multiple kisses on the cheek. "Did you have an exciting day today? How's The Quibbler doing?"

"I've got a new article on Cockmice coming in for the December issue," Mr. Lovegood said. "And I'm even going to do a feature on your Heebripple--I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to writing about it!"

Ivana glared at the overeager father-daughter pair. "Now's not the time for a childish display of affection!" she snapped at them. "We must return to the matter at hand."

"Of course," Xenophilius said, rearranging Luna so that she stood by his side with his arm around her shoulders. "Return away."

She shot him one last sneer before she cleared her throat and faced Dumbledore. "Dumbledore," she said coldly, purposefully dispensing of any honorific, "since the last time we met, it has come to my attention that your play not only contains foul language but also sexuality and nudity."

Dumbledore stood straight and looked her directly in the eye. His posture clearly stated that he was the one in control of the situation, but he was no longer smiling. "It does," he said smoothly.

Ivana's face turned white as her sneer curled tighter. "Right," she hissed. "In that case, I have come here with the school governors in tow, and we all declare that you excise every act of romance in this play--every kiss, every hug, and, most importantly, every single moment of nudity."

The uproar that followed shook the rafters.

~~~~~

"So, Professor McGonagall, what did you want to see me about?" Harry asked nervously. As he and his professor sat on opposite sides of her desk, he marveled at her ability to make him feel as if he'd done something terribly wrong, even though he knew he hadn't.

"Yes, Harry," McGonagall said slowly. "I did want to see you."

Harry pursed his lips suspiciously. He had never known McGonagall to mishear a question, and he was sure it was no accident that she did now. "But what do you want to see me for?" he asked.

"I wanted to ask you..." McGonagall's voice trailed off to a rustling whisper, and she closed her eyes for a second and mumbled to herself, as if trying to recall an errant fact. "I wanted to ask you..." she opened her eyes again and looked directly at Harry. She paused as she spoke, but she refrained from stumbling over the same word twice. "I wanted to ask you if... you ever thought seriously of... becoming an Animagus."

Harry wasn't sure what to make of the question, so he answered as truthfully and succinctly as possible. "No."

~~~~~

The students were incensed. "No nudity?" Parvati and Lavender shrieked in unison. Many of the students echoed them shortly afterwards. The thought was staggering: They had been looking forward to Harry and Luna's moments of nudity for nearly a month now, and suddenly the parents wanted to steal it from them!

"It's not fair!"

"We aren't babies anymore. We can handle ourselves!"

"Merlin, it's only nudity!"

Such screams issued from the students, all of whom were mad that their parents were needlessly interfering with their lives yet again. They were teenagers, for Merlin's sake--if they didn't make their own choices now--without adult interference!--how were they supposed to make their own choices after Hogwarts? And speaking of adult interference, why now? Why was it always with the things that didn't matter? What was worse, though, was that they couldn't even say why they wanted the nudity in the play, as Dumbledore's spell kept them from revealing who would be naked. And so they had to stick with whining and arguing.

The parents glared at their kids, furious that the young ones would dare go against the opinion of the older generation. They had lived longer, which automatically meant that they knew everything that would and wouldn't harm their children in the long run--did this, then, give them the right to interfere when necessary? They muttered amongst themselves and made evil eyes at Dumbledore, who stood in relative serenity between them and their excitable children. It wasn't long before Ivana decided she had enough of the nonsense. She sent off a series of firecrackers with her wand, and in a few minutes everyone calmed down.

"Every moment of nudity shall be removed," Ivana insisted, glaring severely at every student in turn. "And I don't want to hear another word against it."

"You're not allowed to do this, though!" Hermione cried out, stepping forward to face Ivana.

The offense that Loser's mother took was too deep to appear fully in the expression on her face. Not even the way she stalked towards Hermione with a trembling fury could fully convey how deeply the reproach affronted her. When she was barely more than an arm's length away from the bushy-haired brunette, she stopped and growled, "If there is one sin in the world that is greater than any other, it is the flouting of authority. You, hideous child, have done just that. And you don't dare tell me what I can and can't do, young upstart!

"I'm not," Hermione insisted, "but the law is! According to Section V, Article xiii, ordinance 10 of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Canon, the Board of Governors have every right to change the curriculums taught in the classrooms, but they are not allowed to, and I quote, 'interfere with extracurricular activities unless said activities endanger the physical well-being of the students in question.' As this play is an extracurricular activity, you cannot get the Board of Governors to excise anything."

Ivana recoiled as if slapped. "You wicked child!" she cried. "How dare you interfere in the matters of adults? And how dare you make up some insane story just to satisfy your wicked, fleshly desires!"

"Actually," Xenophilius said, "Miss Granger is entirely correct. She apparently knows the school's rules, Ivana, and you apparently do not. So I wouldn't try to contradict her, if I were you."

"You can't possibly support this, Mr. Lovegood!" Ivana said, trembling with fury. "Dumbledore has turned our children into disrespectful, depraved brats, and you have the gall to reprimand me! Yell at the kids, they're the ones who deserve it."

The parents nodded like so many bobbleheads while the children glared sourly, and the other eleven governors backed subconsciously towards the door. Xenophilius shook his head softly and said, "Look, Ivana, you have the law against you. Just accept it and move on."

"I refuse to accept it!" Ivana ground the words through her teeth. "It only says the Board of Governors can't interfere with extracurricular activities. It doesn't say anything about the parents not being allowed to do the same thing."

"Nor does it say anything about the parents having any right to do it," Xenophilius countered. "Obviously we are in uncharted territory here, and since we have no rule to solve this for us, we'll have to think up a compromise. Acting in my official position as governor, I shall think up a compromise that will either satisfy all of us or satisfy none of us."

"That isn't fair!" Ivana retorted. "It... it just isn't fair!"

Xenophilius flourished his arms in triumph and cried, "I have thought up a compromise already! Firstly, the students have every right to engage in extracurricular activities that don't inflict bodily harm upon their persons. This much we already know, and this much is being followed. We also know that the Hogwarts Canon does not specify whether or not parents have any power over these extracurricular activities.

"And so I declare that I will give the parents power to decide." At these words, the parents all smiled coldly at their rebellious children, while the students groaned in disbelief and let out a few boos. Dumbledore and Luna, however, looked relatively comforted by Xenophilius's speech. "Yes, a few lucky parents will get the power to decide whether or not the nudity will remain."

"What do you mean a few lucky parents?" Ivana asked, rubbing her temples in irritation.

"Specifically, the parents of the children who are to appear nude. Dumbledore, I believe you said both children are of age?"

"Your daughter is turning seventeen on Monday, right?" Dumbledore replied.

"I am indeed!" Luna cooed.

"Wonderful," Xenophilius said. "So both children are of age. They shouldn't have to get anyone's permission to appear nude onstage, but since this is a compromise, they must make some sacrifices. I shall create some legal forms." Here Xenophilius waved his wand, and two sets of legal documents appeared in his other hand. "Their parents or guardians must sign them before they can drop trou. How does that sound?"

He turned to the other governors for approval, and they all quickly nodded and said nervously, "Sounds good." "Yeah, nice idea, Lovegood. Right, parents?" "Quite an acceptable compromise."

"Cool," Xenophilius said. He took the first set of legal documents and began signing it in all the appropriate places. In thirty seconds he handed it to Dumbledore, every entry complete. "There, Albus. Now Luna can appear nude. What about the other actor?"

~~~~~

"You've never considered becoming an Animagus, Harry?" McGonagall continued.

"No," Harry repeated. "Why?"

The Transfiguration professor shrugged and examined some papers on her desk. "Oh, no reason," she said. "Just wondering."

"Look," Harry said uncomfortably, "is that all? Because I think I'd better get back down to play practice."

"Oh no, not yet!" Professor McGonagall said quickly. "There's more. Dumbledore won't mind, I promise. He sent you off with me, didn't he? Yes, he did."

So Harry sat in the seat as McGonagall thought up another question. "Um, Harry? Do you... um..."

"Do I what?" Harry was cold with dread by now. McGonagall seemed to be skirting around something--what exactly it was wasn't apparent. But there was some issue she seemed to be avoiding, and it left his stomach feeling uncomfortably nonexistent.

McGonagall rearranged a pile of papers on her desk and then asked casually, "So, Harry, are you getting a present for Luna for her birthday?"

"I--what?" If Harry thought his professor was acting weird before, it was nothing compared to her most recent question. Instead of merely asking inane questions about his academic pursuits outside of class, she was now asking personal questions about things that would never concern her! He stood up quickly and said, "Look, professor, what exactly are you playing at? Because you're really creeping me out, and I want to know exactly what's going on!"

~~~~~

"Ah," Dumbledore said, delicately taking the other set of papers from Xenophilius Lovegood. "The other actor is currently absent right now, and his parent-guardians are not among us. Give me ten minutes, and I can find the parent-guardians and get them to sign these documents."

And so Dumbledore quickly strode from the room with the documents in hand. Once he was in the Entrance Hall and out of sight of the parents, he set off at a run for the nearest fireplace, which happened to be two hallways down in Professor Vector's quarters.

"Hello, my darlings!" Dumbledore said cheerfully as he sprinted through the professor's classroom, which was currently occupied by half a dozen Seventh Years, all of whom were busy working on their Arithmancy project. "Verity, I'm going to be using your fireplace." Before anyone could properly process what had just happened, Professor Dumbledore had thrown the Floor powder in the fireplace and called out, "The Hog's Head!"

After a moment of spinning, he stepped out into his brother's pub and dusted off his robes. Aberforth himself was behind the counter, charming the mugs to wash themselves in the sink. After the war, health inspectors had swept through Hogsmeade and branded the Hog's Head with a sanitation score of 25.5, which was enough to qualify it for a T. So Aberforth had spent a whole month purifying the pub and overhauling his old system of cleaning and sanitation. Now the store bore a plaque with a sanitation score of 82.0, which was at least respectable, though nowhere near spectacular.

"D'you have time to stop for a drink?" Aberforth asked Albus. "On the house."

"Sorry, Abe, not now," Dumbledore said quickly. "I must be back at the school in seven minutes." He Apparated from the Hog's Head to the Dursley's front doorstep and was delighted to see that some of the Floor powder on his robes fell onto the pristine doormat.

He reached forward and rang the doorbell thrice in quick succession. Petunia Dursley answered the door a moment later, looking irritable at having the doorbell rung twice more than was necessary. When she saw Dumbledore at the door, she backed away in horror, her bony face going white. "You!" she whispered, imperceptibly shaking her head as she gripped the edge of the door with a white hand.

"Who's at the damn door?" Vernon's voice sounded rudely from the living room.

"Hello there," Dumbledore said, inviting himself inside the house when Petunia didn't extend the courtesy.

Vernon started and upset a can of beer on the coffee table. "What the hell is that man doing in house our again?" he cried, a little terrified. "He said he'd never be coming back!"

"Fear not, I shall only take a moment of your time," Dumbledore promised. He handed Petunia the papers and made himself comfortable on the couch. "Your nephew Harry is in a play at school right now, and--"

"If you're expecting us to go see it, then you can forget it!" Vernon growled stupidly.

"Oh no, my good sir, I wouldn't ask such a thing of you," Dumbledore said. "I'd prefer to uphold the image of Howarts, thank you very much. Now if you'd let me finish, what I was saying is that Harry is playing a part in the play, and he is required to get nude in one scene. Since he is still a student, he is required to have his parents' or guardians' permission before he can do it."

Petunia and Vernon glared at the document in her hand, as if certain it would bite they if they tried to write on it. Whether they actually thought this or not, they certainly didn't fill out the form.

"Harry is adamantly against it," Dumbledore continued. "Appearing nude in front of three hundred people would embarrass him tremendously."

He shut up after that, because Petunia and Vernon suddenly started filling out the documents like mad. Xenophilius, as fast as he was, had finished filling out the forms in thirty seconds, but Harry's aunt and uncle managed twenty. Then they handed the papers back to Dumbledore with vindictive grins on their faces, and Dumbledore Apparrated away.

~~~~~

"I'm sorry, Harry!" McGonagall said quickly, her mind working in double speed. "Look, I'll tell you. Just promise not to tell Professor Flitwick. See, he and I have a competition going on to see who can get the most gossip out of a student, and, well... I don't mean to pry, but I'd rather like to win the bet."

Harry honestly didn't know what to make of this. He would have never believed that McGonagall would dig for student gossip, but now that he thought of it, he wouldn't put such mischief beneath her. The real question was this: Was she telling the mildly embarrassing truth, or was she covering up something even worse?

I'll just keep playing along and see if I can uncover anything, Harry thought. Besides, I need to get a present for Luna, and Professor McGonagall's a girl--er, female, I mean. She'd have some good ideas. So he sat down and sighed. "Okay, Professor. What should I get Luna for her birthday, then?"

~~~~~

Professor Dumbledore arrived back in the Entrance Hall within the ten minutes he had promised. He handed the documents to Xenophilius Lovegood, who looked them over and pronounced them satisfactory. "Glad that we've settled this little matter," he said. Now let's all get going."

The governors left quickly and eagerly. The parents lagged behind, none of them pleased with the afternoon's results of protesting. Ivana was especially put out. "This isn't over, Dumbledore," she snarled at him. "You may have the law on your side now, but I'll think of some way to put a stop to this transgression."

"Of course, sweetie pie," Dumbledore crooned. "Bye for now, though. Have a nice evening!"

And so the parents all left. One of them muttered in the silent hall, "I didn't see Harry Potter today. What a disappointment."

When the parents left, Hannah said to Susan, "Actually, I think it's a good think Harry wasn't here. You know he doesn't want to do the nudity, and he would have screwed everything up."

"Then let's thank Merlin that McGonagall called him off," Susan said. "Now we still get to see him nude."

"You don't actually want that, though," Edmund said irritably, appearing behind her shoulder.

"What about it?" Susan said coolly. "He's pretty hot."

"But he's not your boyfriend!" Edmund said angrily. "You're not supposed to want to see other boys naked!"

"Because you never want to see other girls naked," Susan said rolling her eyes. "Please, Edmund. Grow up. It's Harry Potter--it's not a big deal if a girl wants to see him naked. I mean, what girl doesn't?"

"I dunno," Hannah said, giggling as she ignored Edmund's fuming. "I'll bet McGonagall would be prudish enough to be pretty damn repulsed by the idea."

**********

Later that evening McGonagall and Dumbledore were in the staff room finishing up a spot of paperwork. Dumbledore took a break long enough to say, "Look, Minerva, thanks for taking Harry off my hands when the parents came by."

"Are you kidding?" McGonagall said severely, though she was hiding a grin. "It needed to be done. If I'm ever to see Harry Potter naked, then I couldn't have him ruining his own chances by putting up a protest in front of the school governors. I must also commend you for nominating Xenophilius for the position all those years ago. He sure pulled us out of a messy spot today."

"So you finally approve of the play?" Dumbledore said happily.

"No," McGonagall replied promptly. "I think five hundred profanities is four hundred ninety too much, I think there's way too much sex, and I think the gory makeup effects are too sensational. But I sure as Merlin want to see Harry Potter naked!"

"I know how you feel," Dumbledore said thoughtfully. "I want to see him naked, too."

A/N: Hello again, all my faithful readers. I will most likely finish Chapter 17 by tomorrow or the next day, but by the time I get it back from my beta, I shall be at college. As of yet, I have no idea how college will affect my writing schedule. I have a lot less time in class than I did last year, and I'm not working during the semester this go-around. But I'll likely be doing more schoolwork out of class. Then again, returning to the flip side, I always write faster when I'm nearing the end of a story, and this fic is approaching its final third. So... we'll wait and see. My goal is to be done writing sometime during Winter Break.

Thanks to my beta, Lisa725. Next chapter: "In Which a Triangle Breaks Off at One Side." Between now and then, remember to review!