Dumbledore, Please Explain Your Twisted Logic!

Islander2

Story Summary:
Dumbledore is putting on a play about the four Hogwarts Founders. Does anyone get the parts they want? Of course not! Mayhem ensues, complete with comedy, romance, insanity, tragedy, Slut!Draco, Harry/Ginny spats, Macho!Ron with a twist, Smart!Goyle, and some very irate parents. Oh, and some nude wrestling, too. Cue the curtain! Slightly AU

Chapter 24 - In Which Dumbledore's Founders Play is Played

Chapter Summary:
Curtain time! How does the public react to Dumbledore's incendiary play?
Posted:
12/13/2008
Hits:
400


Disclaimer: My relationship with Harry Potter is like unrequited love, because however strong I feel, it'll never be mine...

A/N: None of my reviewers guessed what the crossover was, even though I was quite sure I had given it away last chapter. Not to fear: next chapter I shall reveal all!

Chapter Twenty-Four

In Which Dumbledore's Founders Play is Played

From "Marvissimo's Entertainment Column" in The Daily Prophet:

DUMBLEDORE'S NEW PLAY A KNOCKOUT SHOCKER!

It seems that Albus Dumbledore can do no wrong. Just six months after backing Harry Potter to victory against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has made his mark on the world of theater with his new play The Quadrangle. An update on Charles Durdge's 1641 classic Founders Play, this drama improves its source material on every level. It is as if Dumbledore wasn't happy with his advances in alchemy, his discoveries on dragon blood, his position as Supreme Mugwump, his defeat of Grindelwald, and his informal title of the most powerful wizard of our time--no, he just had to add accomplished playwright to that dizzying list. Crowds turned out in droves to see just what Dumbledore could do. I was among them, and I was on the verge of dishing out Stinging Hexes just to get through the door. After all, a play written by Dumbledore, even if it had been utter codswallop, is a guaranteed intrigue.

However, for all its sudden and explosive popularity, this play almost didn't premiere. For a month beforehand, the Parent-Teacher Association spent all its energy trying to stop Dumbledore's theatrical creation from coming to fruition, citing its explicit content as being a danger to their children's well-being. It all came to a head on Friday, December 5th, when the PTA had Dumbledore arrested and brought to court...

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From "ALBUS DUMBLEDORE ON TRIAL" in Geezer's Gazette:

...Albus Dumbledore entered the courtroom naked, upon which he was chained in the central chair and submitted to an unfair trial that ran nearly 45 minutes in length. Despite the situation, our favorite headmaster managed to retain his cool. (Photos on the opposite page--Top: Albus sits naked in the chair while the judge speaks. Middle left: Albus sits naked in the chair while the jury deliberates a comment from a nonexistent animal. Middle right: Albus sits naked in the chair while the students come to his defense. Bottom: Close-up of Albus Dumbledore sitting in the chair and wiggling his ample manhood at a slow moment during the trial.)...

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From "HEEBRIPPLE AIDS DUMBLEDORE IN TRIAL" in The Quibbler:

...Though more than one student made impassioned speeches in Albus Dumbledore's defense, he would have been convicted were in not for the brilliance of one Heebripple, a close friend of Luna Lovegood, who, incidentally, is the daughter of this periodical's esteemed editor.

The Heebripple took to the witness stand and defended Albus Dumbledore's innocence, while at the same time explaining why exactly the headmaster had the right to include nudity in a school play. Cheese peas chickpeas chick-penis (next clue: page Archduke minus Dippet's birth date). The jury was wowed by the creature's superior defense, and the parents could only bow their heads in shame as their fraudulent arguments blew up in their faces. The students were so grateful that they even reserved a seat for the Heebripple at the play.

Much to this reporter's horror, one parent claimed she couldn't see the Heebripple. "It doesn't exist!" yelled Ms. Narcissa Black (who will remain nameless to protect her identity) as she stamped her foot in fury.

Clearly this lady is lacking in Bender Elements--it is the only explanation for such a shocking absence of Pre-eternal knowledge. Bender deficiency is known to cause reverse hallucinations, mutant pregnancies, and a strong inclination towards odd fetishes. This reporter can only pray that Ms. Black hasn't had a child already...

~~~~~

From "Marvissimo's Entertainment Column" in The Daily Prophet (cont'd):

...In the end, however, Harry Potter swayed the parents with his star power to such an extent that they dropped the case. Immediately afterwards, the cast and crew of The Quadrangle went back to Hogwarts with their director to rehearse the play one last time.

One question remains in the uninformed reader's mind: Was the play worth all that trouble? Was the content really so graphic as to merit an all-out campaign by the PTA? Was the play really so excellent as to merit the entire cast and crew flooding the court room in the director's defense?

First off, yes, the play was that graphic. I saw things I never thought I'd see onstage. In the opening scene, House-elves dressed in animal costumes ate synthesized umbilical cords after simulating graphic animal birth. Then came a whorehouse orgy a few scenes later, complete with skanky costumes, kinky implements, and even a gigantic penis statue. I saw Godric Gryffindor seducing at least a dozen people over the course of the play, indiscriminate between men and women, wizards and Muggles. I heard hundreds of profanities in all, sometimes half a dozen in one line. And I saw Harry Potter and his costar naked onstage for seven long minutes.

And yet, the play was excellent enough to warrant the kind of solidarity the students displayed. For starters, the poetry and prose are both of the utmost quality. The pictures the words paint are sometimes exhilarating, sometimes disgusting, but always vivid. Ravenclaw's monologue in Act II, in which she confesses to herself that she does indeed love the lowly stable boy, was such a heartfelt tribute to forbidden love that it was all I could do to keep from crying.

Then there's the storyline. This is a Founders play, and yet these are not the founders we learned about in school. This is how they were in real life: Noble Gryffindor goes to the whorehouse, best friends Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff argue like demons, and Slytherin helps a young witch torture her abusive stepfather. In betwixt this melodrama, the four founders build the school, and Olivier the battle hero coerces them into supporting his cause against the evil wizard Xaxis. At first this seems irreverent, like a parody gone bad. But then slowly I began to notice the brilliance with which the sly mix of humor and drama had converged, until I didn't care any longer what was proper and what was not, just so long as the story kept going!

Yet when I interviewed a few historians in the audience after the play, I was shocked to learn that The Quadrangle is, in fact, a good deal more historically accurate than Charles Durdge's original work.

"History books don't like to throw this around," said historic researcher Plinius Nackledirk, "but Godric Gryffindor was just as much of a slut as we saw tonight. Slytherin was just as sadistic, and Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw were just as narcissistic--Dumbledore's script, as satirical as it may seem, was actually very accurate. The Founders did a great thing in starting this school, and that's what we remember them for, but it takes more than a history-changing event to make a saint..."

~~~~~

From "A FOUNDERS PLAY ACTUALLY WORTH SEEING" in Witch Weekly:

...The musical numbers rounded the performance off into a perfect whole. There was a rousing battle march in Act III that was so full of profanity that I could hardly understand the actual song, though perhaps that was because the audience was cheering so hard. No easier to follow, and no less entertaining, was a madly-paced song in the whorehouse scene with such hilarious double, triple, and quadruple entendres that the audience was laughing too hard to catch them all. On a more serious not, Ravenclaw's powerful "I've Loved You and Have Never Said a Word" left hardly a dry eye in the hall.

But my favorite song--and the favorite song of every female in attendance--was Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood's reprise during their nude scene. The marvelous thing about this number was that Harry Potter was naked throughout the whole thing. For three minutes he and Luna Lovegood simulated sexual activity against a bale of hay (see the age-protected photo on the left) in a rough consummation of their escalating passion throughout the past three acts. This scene is so stark, so uncompromising in its aggression, that the viewer is sure Ravenclaw and the stable boy would have gone mad had they not made love.

Then came the reprise...

~~~~~

From "HARRY'S HEAVY COCK" in Playwitch:

...For a rave review of Dumbledore's The Quadrangle, flip back to page 12. This review is focused entirely on the thing that made us come in the first place: Harry's Adonis cock.

It is every bit as marvelous as we wanted it to be. It is a cock fit for the hero he is. When his leather britches slid down his muscled legs, the magnificent beast wriggled free and hung, hot and heavy, against his thigh. Accompanying it was a cloud of jet black pubic hair that was both lustrous and untamed at once. Thanks to our special zoom lenses, we were able to deliver every inch of that penis to your eager eyes in high-definition detail (see pages 31-97).

But seeing isn't everything. Now you must put yourself in the place of Luna Lovegood, for her labia was a lucky labia. For three minutes, they remained wrapped around each other, thrusting their hips together with such vigor that we almost believed their supposed simulation was the real deal. So imagine, ladies, that that magnificent cock hardened into 20 centimeters of shafted glory and invaded every cubic centimeter of your pussy. We here are getting wet just writing about it!...

~~~~~

From "LUNA LOVEGOOD'S LOONY LABIA" in Playwizard:

...If all the women went to see Harry Potter's cock, all the men went to see his costar, who stood next to him in equal nakedness. Ravenclaw, as the rave review on Page 8 will tell you, was played by the dazzling Luna Lovegood, whom classmates affectionately call "Loony."

After Act IV, scene iii, it is clear why she is called Loony!

It is because her smoking-hot body will drive you crazy. Even the most level-headed lad will go loony over Luna Lovegood's labia. In one fell swoop she removed her dress over her head and answered our thousand-year-old question: Did Rowena Ravenclaw wear anything under her robes? The answer?--no!

For the first millisecond we saw her pussy. Her pubes, like the rest of her hair, were a bright blonde, light enough in color that we saw her slotted entrance through that gleaming forest. "I trimmed my pubic hair a little," Luna confided to us in an interview after the play. "To neaten it up, you know. I asked Harry if he did the same to his, but he only blushed."

The next millisecond revealed her perfect breasts. They were firm and round, strong enough to bear their entire weight without the least hint of a sag or a flop. Specks of perspiration gleamed on her nipples, which were erect in anticipation of Harry's magic fingers. And yet, even with this glorious image imprinted in our brains, it is impossible for us to describe just how fucking perfect she was, so we employed the aid of our top-of-the-line cameras in capturing every movement she made on that stage (see pages 21-65)...

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From "Marvissimo's Entertainment Column" in The Daily Prophet (cont'd):

...Nudity or no nudity, though, The Quadrangle is a breathtaking production. The script alone is strong, but its stellar cast rockets it into the stratosphere...

~~~~

From "HARRY'S HEAVY COCK" in Playwitch (cont'd):

...Harry has the acting chops to match his cock...

~~~~~

From "LUNA LOVEGOOD'S LOONY LABIA" in Playwizard (cont'd):

...If anything could equal Luna's nude form (which indeed might not be possible), it'd be the conviction with which she delivers her performance. She could have been a terrible actor and we'd still be jacking off, but her charisma propels a sexy role to a role that's so hot you will blow a couple thousand brain cells...

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From "A FOUNDERS PLAY ACTUALLY WORTH SEEING" in Witch Weekly (cont'd):

...Perhaps the best actor, though, was Clifford Chatterley in the role of Olivier the battle hero. From his first expletive-filled monologue, he stormed the stage with an energy that matched the epic battles that Dumbledore so cleverly choreographed in the last half of the play. He kept the audience's attention on himself, even throughout the best of those battle scenes... and that is saying a lot, because Dumbledore's real-life battle experience has translated to the stage in every way...

~~~~~

From "THE HEEBRIPPLE'S REVIEW" in The Quibbler:

...Clifford made my sextemporaneous undulator perambulate. As a battle hero, he really made me want to obey him! When he said "Shit," I wanted loosen my bowels where I sat. When he said "Fuck," I wanted to find the nearest hole and penetrate it. And when he said "Damn it all," I wanted to imitate a Fundamentalist Christian...

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From "Marvissimo's Entertainment Column" in The Daily Prophet (cont'd):

...Take notice, Wizarding World! Clifford Chatterley is a force to be reckoned with. If he's half as compelling as his performance suggests, he'll rise to the top of our society, bringing with him some much-needed change (and energy!). From the moment he stepped onstage, he gave me no doubt that he was the scene-stealer (and I mean that in the best way possible, because he never once drew inappropriate attention away from the Founders), the one the entire audience wanted to cheer on. And cheer him on they did. In fact, after Olivier's final expletive-filled monologue in Act IV, the audience actually did cheer.

Of course, that's nothing compared to the applause at the end. When the curtains closed, the entire Great Hall rumbled as two thousand witches, wizards, and Muggle parents flew to their feet and brought their hands together in a hailstorm of ovation. Everyone who came loved the play, and every seat was filled! Every seat, that is, except for one, which remained vacant, despite the small crowd that had to be turned away at the door. Xenophilius Lovegood, editor of The Quibbler, took it upon himself to explain this empty seat to me. "I bought it," he said. "The Heebripple is in it."Maybe he was joking, or maybe he's as insane as everyone says he is, but he did buy the seat, and it's his money...

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From "THE HEEBRIPPLE'S REVIEW" in The Quibbler (cont'd):

...Xenophilius was good enough to secure me a seat, for which I am forever in his debt. This play was orgasmtastic, and I recommend it highly to anyone who wants to have their Nittles buddled, or anyone who just wants to have a good time.

Inevitable comparisons shall arise between Dumbledore's The Quadrangle and Durdge's Founders Play. Dumbledore's play arse-rapes Durdge's until it vomits blood chunks out its sphincter and onto the floor. In utter honesty, this Heebripple has never been in auralicious agreement with Durdge's mess of a script...

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From "A FOUNDERS PLAY ACTUALLY WORTH SEEING" in Witch Weekly (cont'd):

...Forget Charles Durdge's 17th Century clunker. Dumbledore's play is the Founders Play to beat, and anyone with any sense in literature or entertainment would choose The Quadrangle in a heartbeat...

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From "WHAT DUMBLEDORE FOUND IN THE FOUNDERS" in Playwizard:

...I must come out of the critics' closet and admit: I have always hated Durdge's play. The poetry is uneven, and the prose is dry. Where there are rhymes, they are simplistic and poor. Where there are no rhymes, there is no rhythm. The storylines are uninteresting, the characters are desperately broad, and the history is surprisingly inaccurate. The only thing that's kept Durdge in our memories is that he is practically the only playwright in the Wizarding World that wasn't born in the past 100 years. Now that Dumbledore has risen to challenge him, and succeeded past our wildest dreams, I hope Durdge suffers a fate he should have suffered 400 years ago by fading quickly from our memories...

~~~~~

From "WHAT, IT'S WORTH MORE THAN THE NUDITY?" in Playwitch:

...Compared to Dumbledore, Durdge is definitely deficient. There is no question about it...

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From "HARRY'S HEAVY COCK" in Playwitch (cont'd):

...Durdge's play doesn't have Harry's gargantuan dick in it, or any dick at all...

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From "LUNA LOVEGOOD'S LOONY LABIA" in Playwizard (cont'd):

...Durdge's play has been placed against Luna's perfect arsehole and reamed to death by Harry Potter...

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From "Marvissimo's Entertainment Column" in The Daily Prophet (cont'd):

...It's the truth, folks--Dumbledore defeats Durdge! If you want actual proof, Durdge's play was never performed in Muggle theaters. And yet two of the Muggle parents in attendance have all but secured The Quadrangle a place in London's West End theater, where it will be performed as a fantasy play instead of historical fiction...

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From "THE HEEBRIPPLE'S REVIEW" in The Quibbler (cont'd):

...So basically, all's well that ends well, and this Heebripple predicts that on Saturday night the Hogwarts Great Hall will be so packed and the audience so excited that the world record for the largest Cockmice gathering may be broken.

~~~~~

Final verdict:

Daily Prophet: *****/*****

Witch Weekly: 10/10

Playwizard: ****/****

Playwitch: ****/****

The Quibbler: Razzkiller score of +183.26

A/N: Just one more chapter coming up! If you found this one too short, the next one is a decent length (about 7800 words, though I haven't revised it yet, and my chapters often tend to get longer in revision... so let's round that up to 8000 words). And once I send it off to my beta (the wonderful Lisa725, who I once again thank), it shouldn't be more than a week before it, too, goes up.

Please review this chapter! Don't wait until the end--review now, even just a short, quick note, then leave another review to sum everything up next time. Sounds good?