HP and Hermione's Insatiable Appetite for Quidditch Players

When night came, Harry began to feel quite anxious. Hermione and Ron were feeling it as well, and acted as if on tenterhooks for the rest of the day. "Okay," Harry sighed. "Do either of you have any ideas as to what Malfoy has planned for this evening? I can't think of a thing."

Hermione had some ideas. "Well, remember what Snape said about Malfoy's 'song and dance'? He might be putting on a musical of some sort... but no, not even Malfoy's gay enough to do that."

Ron snapped his fingers. "Or is he? I'll bet you anything that's what it is. Oh, Hermione, you're so bloody brilliant I could kiss you."

Hermione smiled. "And what exactly, Ron, is stopping you?" They began going at it on the couch, not caring how much attention they were drawing from the various occupants of the Gryffindor common room.

Harry, however, only half listened to what had been said. "Song and dance, yeah..." he murmured, while floating off in his own head, imagining Malfoy doing the Can-Can with Crabbe and Goyle.

His head was still spinning from the conversation Malfoy had with Snape. What on earth was Malfoy going to try to do tonight, or more importantly, why? Malfoy had told him that he had loved him, and he had even told Snape as well, but why would he want to do any emotional or physical harm to Harry, as he had almost implied in his tone of voice.

He suddenly was snapped out of his hazed state of mind when he heard a tapping on the window. It was a big, brown owl. Harry started for the window and opened it, already knowing whom the letter was for, and whom it was from.

Harry tore the letter from the bird's leg, and with a squawk, it flew away. Harry's hand fumbled to open it. Perhaps Malfoy was canceling that evening's rendezvous. He half hoped that the letter contained such sentiments. Ron and Hermione broke from their passion to look up and watch Harry.

Harry-

I still wish for you to accompany me this evening, only now I request the presence of Weasley and Granger, as well. Ta!

-M

Harry gestured for Ron and Hermione to join him at the windowsill. "He wants you two to come with me tonight."

Ron groaned. "I'm gonna die, aren't I?"

Hermione smacked him, but also had an uneasy look upon her face. Harry wondered what would go on in exactly one hour's time, when all three of them would be traipsing up to the South tower. What they would witness there could be the end of the trio, knowing Malfoy.

Despite Ron's protests and her own uneasiness, Hermione insisted that the three all stick together. "We'll use some shielding charms so that we won't get infected by the Nympho or Love diseases." Hermione shielded the boys then shielded herself. The shields glowed a transparent bluish white for a moment before fading away.

"Can we still have contact with outside forces?" asked Ron.

"Like...what?"

Ron grinned quite sheepishly, looking at Hermione. "Like... each other." Harry laughed, glad to know that his sense of humor still remained intact.

"Shall we take the invisibility cloak, then?" asked Harry.

"Well, I think it would at least be a good idea. I mean, we can be seen in the human eye until nine, but then it's curfew. And seeing how I believe that this will probably take longer than an hour, we should definitely take the cloak."

Ron nodded dumbly. "Yeah. Yeah, because I want to stick around to see the final number. Aren't those usually the most spectacular in the cabarets?"

Hermione grimaced. "Ron, let it go! It was just a stupid thought in the first place... I'm sorry I had ever said anything!"

Ron, however, could not let it go. "Song and dance, song and dance!" he sang, dancing around a little bit as if he was holding a top hat and a cane.

Hermione, ignoring Ron, glanced over at the clock. "Okay, it's a little bit past eight thirty. If we want to be punctual, we should leave at fifteen before the hour."

Ron rolled his eyes. "It's always punctuality to you, Hermione. Listen, I'm gonna light up before we go, does anyone want to join in?"

Harry jumped at the chance to "enhance" his senses.

"Hermione? Care to join us?"

Hermione shook her head. "Ronnie, you know I'm not into doing that sort of thing. I like having a natural high, so to speak. I'm high on life."

Ron scoffed. "It is a natural high, though, Hermionekins! It's fresh, too! Fred and George picked and dried it, why, just last night! They owled it to me! It's how they

relax."

Hermione hesitated. "Well, I do need to loosen up a bit... this whole situation has me quite anxious."

All three went up to the boy's dormitory to find Seamus and Neville arguing about plants. Ron and Harry asked why they weren't down stairs enjoying the free sweets, which quickly cleared the pair of boys out.

"But you know the funny thing is, there weren't any sweets down there!" laughed Ron after a while. Ron had already taken three hits and had passed the magic wizard bong along to Harry, who breathed in the smoky perfume of the gods in one large gulp. It burned his lungs, and burned his throat as he spat it back up, coughing and laughing at the same time.

"That's some chronic shit, Ron my main man."

Hermione was the only one who had not yet taken a hit, and looked reluctant to do so. Harry held out the bong to her, and she took it.

"How do I- uh, you know, do it?" she asked, looking at the foreign object in her hand.

Ron laughed and said, "Heehee, Hermione, you're a smart girl, you figure it out." Then he collapsed in a minute's worth of heavy slumber.

"Uh, well, first you take it like this," began Harry, taking the bong from Hermione and holding it up to his lips to show her. "Then," he started, words muffled in the top of the bong, "you cover the bottom of it with your hand, then..." He took up his wand and yelled "lumos!"

His wand lit up at the tip and ignited the reefer. He inhaled and exhaled after ten second's suffering, and passed the bong back to Hermione, coughing.

"Lumos," he coughed. "Not just good for light. Good for lighting, too."

Hermione laughed into the mouth of the bong. "Stop it, Harry, you'll ruin my concentration!"

Hermione executed all the things Harry had shown her in perfect succession, and when she exhaled, she released seven perfect smoke rings and gave four ladylike coughs. Ron, who had finally stirred from his nap, gaped in amazement. "Wow, Hermione! That was excellent! Do it again!" And she did do it three more times, before she could not hold the bong any longer, she was laughing so hard. The boys took three more hits each before they realized that it was eight forty, and they should get going.

Harry was glad that they had sucked the life out of the bong, and was happy that Hermione had joined them. What could he say, he was just plain happy. He had forgotten all of his troubles and thoughts about what he might be encountering in a few minutes time. Under the invisibility cloak, Hermione laughed the entire way to the South tower. Ron and Harry were too high to even silence her, so instead they just laughed along with her.

Harry was totally tripping. He was seeing bright yellow spots floating in front of his eyes, only they weren't normal little amoebas; they instead were little yellow suns with sunglasses on. "Hello, Harry," they all said in unison.

"Ron," Harry slurred. "Was that weed- was it laced with anything?"

Ron fell silent, and then said, "Yes, Harry, I do believe it was." All was silent until the three of them burst out laughing and once again headed off for the tower. The whole way there was littered with random sentences.

"Sometimes I'm scared of the dark. But do you want to know what I'm even more afraid of?"

"What, Hermione?"

"The light."

" There are a billion little yellow men in sunglasses telling me to have a nice evening..."

"Why is the sky always so green?"

"The sky's never green, Ron, it's always the color of a lobster."

"Mmmmm.... Lobster."

"Lizard galaxies of wax."

"Toaster."

"Severus E. Snape."

A large silence ensued the last sentence, uttered by Ron. Hermione stopped and pulled the cloak off. She furrowed her brow and fell backwards, but caught herself. "What does the 'E' in 'Severus E. Snape' stand for, Ron?"

Ron furrowed his eyebrow as well.

"Hmm. Dunno. Good question."

Harry, who was watching his hands eat the walls, interjected, "Maybe we can ask Malfoy the Tree. Malfoy the Tree knows."

Ron and Hermione nodded. "Yeah. Malfoy the Tree will know."

They continued on the long journey up the stairs that lie in front of them to the South Tower.

"How long have we been walking?" asked Harry.

"Forty years," said Ron, dejectedly.

Hermione gasped. "Oh, dear, we didn't take Professor Airplane's flying waffle test! We'll never make it to the cornfield now, grasshoppers!" They started skipping up the steps and stopped in front of the South tower door.

"Are you ready for the biggest surprise of a lifetime?" asked a voice from behind the door.

Ron, Harry and Hermione looked at each other in exited anticipation. "Yes," joined the chorus of three voices.

The door flew open, shedding light on the trio.

Standing, framed in the doorway in between two huge statues, was Draco Malfoy. Only, he was wearing heavy black eye makeup, pink as sin lipstick, blush an inch thick, and a slinky turquoise dress. He was swinging a fur stole and stood on three-inch strappy stiletto heels. Not even the highest of highs or the trippiest of trips could have prepared Harry for this.

"Malfoy the Tree! What does the 'E' in Severus E. Snape stand for?" asked Harry, thinking back to the conversation he had with Ron and Hermione what seemed like thirty-six years ago.

Malfoy furrowed his eyebrows. "How did you know my stage name? Only it's not Malfoy the tree, it's Malfoya the tree. And these two..." he began, gesturing to the two statues behind him that suddenly sprang to life, "are Crabbina the Fisher-girl and Goylina the Bread Model."

Two painted ladies with five o'clock shadows that looked an awful lot like Crabbe and Goyle jumped out and put two large and pretty man hands on either of Malfoya's shoulders.

"Lady and Gentleman! Welcome to what has been called the very best cabaret act at Hogwarts!"

Hermione's eyes glazed over. "Well, what do you know? I was right!"

Malfoya shrugged and yelled "Hit it, boys!"

The large house band in the corner started to play a very swinging song. Malfoya dragged the trio into the well-lit room and sat them on the floor in front of the shallow stage. Malfoy got on stage and began to dance a very odd dance, going from his left foot to his right foot and waving his hands all about.

Harry soon realized that he and the two others were not alone. It seemed that all members of the Hufflepuff house were members of the tiered theater-like room's audience. In fact, eliminating the three Gryffindors, and what appeared to be the three Slytherins, the whole of the audience consisted of Hufflepuffs.

All the Hufflepuff students were applauding at Malfoya's flamboyant dance. Crabbina and Goylina danced backup, along with three other members of the Slytherin house, all of which a dazed and confused Harry vaguely recognized from previous games of Quidditch. Harry's head was slowly coming back to him, but he was still under the spell of the marijuana.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Hufflepuff Common Room!" Malfoya had seized a voice enhancer that looked like a tiny, gold muggle megaphone and yelled loudly into it. All people in the room started to go wild, and Harry, being a gentleman, started to clap as well. Hermione and Ron also clapped, only more hesitantly.

"Tonight, we have a very big surprise for you all! We will be performing the new opera, Ten-sickle Hooker!" Very loud screams came from the audience. "But first, we will take questions from the audience!"

Many hands shot up, Ron's included. Malfoya noticed Ron at once, and slinked over, the band playing music on the beats of his steps.

"What's your question, Coppertop?" Malfoya purred into the enhancer.

(Many unnecessary "Woo!" noises were made)

Malfoya held out the microphone to Ron's mouth. "Uh, Malfoya the Tree, what does the 'E.' in Severus E. Snape stand for?"

Malfoya smirked under the inch of makeup. "I should have known you wouldn't drop that subject.

"Well, if you really must know, it's-"

But at that moment, Snape himself came bursting in just as Malfoya uttered one single word. Snape yelled "NO!" but by then it was too late.

Malfoya had already revealed... "Elke."

Ron sat there, his eyes wide open, a look of shock smathered across his face. "Wha- wha- Elke? What the Hell kind of middle name is ELKE??"

Hermione was giggling so hard Harry thought she would explode. Snape looked horrified, but soon regained his composure, and said, "It is a form of Alexandra, Mr. Weasley. Now if you wouldn't mind, do hold your tongue whilst I have a..." He stole an icy stare at Malfoya, who winked and blew kisses in return. "...Word with Mr. Malfoy."

Snape strode out of the room holding dragging a very disgruntled cross-dressed Malfoya, who yelled the entire way out.

"That's Mr. Malfoya to you, sir!"