HP and Hermione's Insatiable Appetite for Quidditch Players

Once Harry, Ron, and Hermione had crawled up into the vent, all attention was on Harry.

"Okay, what now?" asked Ron.

"Now, we consult the map." Both of them looked at him like he was insane.

"What map? You have a map of Hogwarts?"

Harry looked at both of them like they were on the crazy pill. "Uh, hello? Earth to the lovers! Does the Marauder's Map ring a bell at all with you two?"

The glazed looks on their faces was finally broken. "OHHH! The Marauder's Map! Why the hell didn't you say so, Harry?"

Harry chose not to dignify this with an answer and instead took out the map.

"Okay," he began. " We are here." He said, pointing to three little figures all in the little vent on the parchment. "Snape's office should be about..." he began, running his wand over the paper. "There!" he said, finally coming to a small room with two figures. Two figures labeled "Severus Snape" and "Severus Snape's boy-whore."

Harry nodded his head. "That's definitely them," he said, maneuvering his way towards the path to the office. "On we go!" he said, leading the way.

Once they were nearing the vent above Snape's office, Harry's stomach filled with a foreboding sense of dread. Hopefully, he would be able to control his sneezes this time around. Besides, he was not looking forward to facing the simple fact that the boy he thought he had once been attracted to, the boy he would be meeting that same evening, would be bent over Snape's desk in agony, or even worse; ecstasy.

The three positioned themselves on different sides of the square vent and peered down into the dark classroom. They could see the top of Snape's greasy hair, and strained their ears to listen to what he was saying.

"...And that's all very well and good, Mr. Malfoy, but I simply can not have you giving the love disease to a boy, and a Gryffindor to boot! What ever possessed you to even want to go near that greasy, black haired Potter?" Snape said, in a fast and rough voice.

Ron snickered at the sentiment. "You, Harry? Greasy haired? Yeah. He's really one to talk."

Hermione snapped at him, saying, "Ron, shut up! Don't you see that this means that Snape knows about Malfoy's disease? This could mean that-"

She was abruptly cut off by Harry shushing the both of them, not wanting her to finish the sentence. So it was true that he no longer had any feelings for Dra- uh, Malfoy, but that did not mean that he liked being duped. Besides, he could not hear what anyone below the trio was saying.

Malfoy's head suddenly entered the square, circling the Professor. "So you mean to say that you don't agree with my- seducing Harry Potter? Think about it, Professor Snape! If he loves me, he'd do anything for me!"

Harry was taken aback by this brash statement. He continued to listen, however. "Yes, Mr. Malfoy, but have you taken in to account that the disease will have already subsided from his system? I'm willing to bet that as of right now he is seriously contemplating whether or not he really wants to join you for your little... hem, surprise tonight."

Malfoy stopped his circling and appeared to be sneering at his professor. "How did you know about tonight?" he asked, eyeing his wily foe-of-the-moment. It appeared that Professor Snape smirked at Malfoy's sudden drop in smugness.

"Now, now Mr. Malfoy, I wouldn't be a very good spy if I revealed my sources just so you'd have every answer to every question in the world."

Malfoy seemed hurt. "Sevvie, don't you love me?"

Snape grimaced, speaking in lower voices as if someone had been listening, although he had no idea that he was correct. They could still hear him, however. "No, Mr. Malfoy, I don't love you. In fact, I quite despise you at the moment. And as much as I like making Mr. Potter seem the fool," (Ron looked up and whispered "I knew he had it in for you!" only to be replied with a strong jab in the ribs from Hermione.) "It seems- rash- to make a fool out of yourself in the process. I strongly suggest that you don't go through with what you intend to do tonight, Mr. Malfoy. It could really ruin Potter's reputation. And it could very much the same, perhaps even more so, ruin yours."

Malfoy came around to the back of Snape's chair and slid his hands down his chest. "But I don't have a good reputation as it stands. It's only the one about being a luscious sex god that really prevails among the ladies."

Snape threw Malfoy's hands off, spinning around to face him. "And that, Mr. Malfoy, is exactly the reputation you will ruin if you go through with your hahah, song and dance so to speak. It will prove you a fool. No, it won't prove you a fool." Malfoy seemed happy about what appeared to be the final sentence, until Snape continued. "No, it won't prove you a fool, but Potter most certainly will."

Malfoy put on a putrid look and said. "He wouldn't do that to me! He loves me! And I love him! It's mutual, you know." Harry was taken aback, that after all he had learned about Malfoy giving him the disease, that Malfoy still loved him. He started to feel bad about not loving Malfoy back, but decided that he would sort out all of his feelings later.

"Mr. Malfoy, if you 'love' Harry Potter, then why do you claim to 'love' me? It's ridiculous, really, the way you try to toy with the affections of people who do not have affections for you in return."

Malfoy grimaced, then thought better of it and put on a silky smile. "Oh, Sevvie, you do jest. I told Potter that you made me bend over and do bad, bad things." Malfoy gave a girly giggle while Snape seemed to process this.

" And? Did he believe you?"

Malfoy's giggle turned into a laugh. "Sevvie, dear, last night he was so in love with me he would have believed me if I had told him that a basilisk tastes like chicken!"

Harry smarted at this one, even though the statement was fully true. He would have believed it. He also would have probably gone down to the not-so-secret-anymore Chamber of Secrets to see if there were any remains of the basilisk to eat.

"Malfoy, I do wish you hadn't told him that. Surely, he has already told Weasley and Granger by now. Now they will think me some kind of homosexual pervert. When, in fact, I am a fully heterosexual pervert.

"Besides, was it not you that gave dear Ms. Granger the Nympho disease in the first place? You did sleep with her before her sudden...ahem, appreciation for Quidditch players, am I correct in assuming this?" Harry and Ron looked up at Hermione, who blushed and said, "I'll explain later."

"Yeah, that's right, I nailed her. And I gave her the Nympho disease. And the second time around, I gave her the Love disease. Got a problem with that?"

Snape sneered and replied with a snort. "Yes, in fact, I do! Did you know that she kissed me a few months ago? She claimed that since I was a Quidditch player, I rightfully deserved it."

Malfoy smiled and gave a silent laugh. "And? Did you fancy it anything past serious?"

Snape looked sheepish. "Well, I didn't exactly pull away at first, but I did take ten points from Gryffindor for her insolence and inappropriateness."

Malfoy laughed. "But, Sevvie, in any other situation, you would not have pulled away. Had you not been at school during the kiss, you probably would have gone in for more!"

This seemed to be the last straw for Snape, who strode over to the door and placed his hand on the doorknob. "Ten points from Slytherin for your rudeness towards the head of your house!" Malfoy strode toward the door in a huff. "And Mr. Malfoy, I should hope that you will not act on your fantasies this evening, however. If you wish to go forth with it, I will not stop you. I only hope that you make the right choice by sending Potter away from you this evening. I wish you a good day."

Snape opened the door, and Malfoy speedily sulked out. Snape closed the door, rubbed at his temples, and opened the door once more, only to leave.

Once the door had clicked shut did the shouting begin. Ron went first. "What the hell, Hermione? You slept with Malfoy last year? What, are you crazy? HE was the one who got you all riled up about Quidditch players! I can't believe this! You are out of your mind."

Hermione had a silently angry look on her face. "Well, I must be mad, Ronald Weasley. I must be mad because I fell for you in the end!"

She got on her knees and almost began to crawl away when a new voice rose. "Well, well, well. Now we are in trouble, aren't we?"

Filch emerged into the junction of vents holding a lamp in one hand, and Mrs. Norris under one arm. Harry, his mind spinning, simply said, "No, we aren't in trouble." Filch simply looked at him. Filch looked and he looked and he looked some more. Then he shrugged, and said "Oh. Okay. Well, as long as we aren't in trouble, I'll leave." He crouched off, speaking in loving tones to Mrs. Norris, whose tail swished as Filch crawled away.

All was silent. Hermione had not moved, and Ron had a stupid look on his face. "Close shave, Harry!" Ron exclaimed, looking amazed.

Hermione decided it was okay to start breathing again and gasped "Yeah. Thank you very much Harry. Now, if you boys will excuse me, I must go off somewhere and cry in peace."

Ron reached out and grabbed her shoulder before she could crawl away. "Wait. Hermione. I'm so sorry. It's just that... I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world, and... Oh, bloody hell, do you forgive me?"

Hermione was silent for a moment before she said, "Of course I forgive you, Ron," with a forgiving look.

The rest of the trip back to Gryffindor tower was spent with Hermione talking about her analyzation about what they had just witnessed in Snape's classroom. When they finally got back to the deserted common room, she took a look at Harry. "So, Harry, what are you going to do about tonight? Knowing what you know now, I mean." Harry grimaced and replied "What else can I do, Hermione? I have to face Malfoy. I have to tell him that I don't love him. It might not be easy, especially with the knowledge I have of him now, but I have to do it."

So the three of them waited in patience for the rest of the day before night fell at last.