HP and Hermione's Insatiable Appetite for Quidditch Players

The next day, Harry woke to find the dormitory empty. He had been having a weird dream in which Hermione and him were snogging, and then she turned into Ron. Ron had asked him why he wasn't making out with Draco, and then Draco's head appeared out of nowhere and started crying. Black makeup was streaming down his face. He was crying and asking why Harry was with Ron, and then Dobby came in, with a sock over his crotch, holding a large tea cozy with a picture of Lord Voldemort crocheted on it. What a weird dream, he thought, looking out the window.

The entire contents of the previous night came flooding back to him. His head spun around, making him feel faint. He heard a noise at the window and pivoted on his heel to see what it was. An owl was tapping at the windowpane, with a white roll of parchment attached to its' leg. Harry ran to the window and removed the parchment, which bore a green seal. He broke the seal and read.

Dear Harry,

I would like to thank you for giving me an interesting night, to say the least. I would like you to meet me tonight at nine o' clock in the south tower. I have a surprise for you. A very. Large. Surprise. See you then,

Draco

Harry felt confused. What did all this mean? Was last night really as strange as it seemed now? He shrugged and thought, to hell with it. I guess I have to meet him tonight. I think I have to tell him that- we're over. But have we ever begun?

Harry went down to the breakfast hall, willing himself not to look at Draco. He sat down at his normal place at the Gryffindor table and stole a quick glance at Draco, who was animatedly in the middle of a flamboyant story, his hands flopping everywhere. He suddenly got up and said goodbye to his fellow Slytherins, and Harry suddenly remembered that Draco had detention with Snape that morning. He felt bad, and realized that he was about to get the condoms back. In a matter of speaking, said the voice of Snape, echoing through Harry's head.

Ron and Hermione joined him at the table, snapping him out of his trance. "Hey, where's Malfoy going, Harry?" sequestered Ron, gazing stupidly at the large pile of beans on his piece of toast.

"Professor Snape's."

Hermione looked narrowly at Harry. "Why?"

Harry sighed and heaped some stewed tomatoes onto his bacon. "Well, Draco is Snape's little boy-whore, apparently." Both Ron and Hermione gaped at him in shock. "Snape came in last night while I was waiting for Malfoy, and... uh. Yeah. I thought that Snape was Draco, and... I uh, kissed him."

Ron turned a little green. "URGH, I think I'm about to huuuurl!"

Hermione, however, looked sympathetically at Harry, patted his hand and said "It's not all bad, Harry, Professor Snape's a good kisser!"

Now it was Harry's turn to look shocked. Ron followed suit, saying "Just when I thought I couldn't get any sicker! What the hell are you talking about, Hermione?"

Hermione shrugged. "Well, as you may already know, Professor Snape used to be the Slytherin seeker, and... well, as much as I love you, Ronniekins, You do know I'm simply enamored with anyone who plays Quidditch, and-"

"Plays Quidditch, Hermione! Plays! Not played! It must have been ages ago since that ugly git played anything!"

Harry shrugged. "He likes to play word games. He's always twisting his words, among with everyone else's! He thinks it's quite funny, actually."

Ron looked at Hermione, who had her nose buried in a book, nonchalantly munching a waffle. He sighed. "Well, whatever Hermione wants..."

Hermione finished the sentence in a singsong voice "Hermione gets." She whipped her head to Ron and pulled his tie toward her. "And little man, little Hermione wants you!"

Ron's eyes became glazed, and she said, "Meet you in the empty classroom on the third floor in five minutes." Hermione smiled, and got up.

Before she left, she turned to Harry. "So, what are you going to do?"

Harry shrugged. "Dunno. Actually, Malfoy sent me an owl this morning; I'm meeting him tonight. I think I'm gonna break things off."

It was Hermione's turn to smile and shrug. "Whatever you want, Harry," and walked out of the hall, leaving both boys to stare after her.

"Wow, I am so lucky to have her! Even if she does make out with slimy, middle aged professors behind my back!" gaped Ron, slowly averting his head from the door of the dining hall. "Well, I'm going to go join her now, sorry to leave you Harry. Maybe you can prepare your breakup speech." And he hurriedly ran out.

As everyone was spending the day outside (with the exception of Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, and Snape, of course), Harry decided to roam the empty halls, looking for something to do. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He would spy on Ron and Hermione! He ran up to the dormitories, grabbed his invisibility cloak, and paused, thinking how will I spy on them? Where can I go? Who knows the secrets of the castle?

Just then, a section of his dream came back to him. Dobby! Dobby knows where everything is! In fact, I thought I saw some house elves cleaning the common room a few minutes ago!

Harry ran down to the common room to find Dobby cleaning the fireplace. "Dobby!" he yelled, never so happy to meet the little cretin. "If I wanted to spy on... er, two people who were...eh, studying in a classroom, how would I find a safe place to watch?"

Dobby regarded Harry with his large, watery blue eyes, and said, "Oh, yes, Harry Potter, Sir, Dobby knows many ways to spy in Hogwarts!" He pointed a long, knobby finger to a vent on the wall. "Dobby suggests the vents, sir. Very useful, they are."

Harry nodded, and said "Thanks, Dobby!" he sped off to the vent.

He hoisted himself through the vent, and crawled his way up. Luckily, the vents weren't all too steep. Suddenly, Harry had forgotten which classroom they had said they would meet in, and suddenly had a stroke of genius. In the pocket of the invisibility cloak, he found the marauder's map. He tapped it and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." He saw two small dots labeled Ron and Hermione on the map, and crawled off in the direction of them.

He soon found himself positioned over the vent that had a view of what was directly under it. Harry peered down and saw the top of Hermione's bushy head and the top of Ron's red mop. They were speaking in heated tones, which led Harry to believe that they were either in a fight, or having raucous sex. He opted for the former, and listened to the row.

"Ugh. Ron, you are so predictable! I knew you were going to bring that up! I thought we had discussed this at breakfast!" Hermione yelled, the top of her head shaking.

"Well, what do you expect? I don't know why you always have to make me feel so... inferior! Like I'm not your first choice!" Ron retorted, his arms crossed. Harry was ten feet above their head.

"What, you actually think I would rather be wrapped up in... someone else's arms?"

Ron clearly nodded.

"And let me guess. You think it's Professor Snape, don't you?"

Ron hesitated, and then nodded once more.

"Well, if you think that's actually what I want, then- screw you, Ron Weasley!" She ran madly at him and started to kiss him full on. They both sank to the ground and started to pull each other's robes off.

Hermione was pulling Ron's tie off when Harry felt a tickle. He couldn't ignore it. He willed it to go away, but it was too late. Harry let out a full-blown sneeze. Ron and Hermione froze in their passion. They looked up in unison, and Harry tried to restrain himself, but he sneezed once more, more voraciously this time. He actually had managed to blow himself over onto the vent, which broke under his weight, and he fell down right on top of Ron.

"Harry!" said Hermione, but there was no hint of surprise in her voice. Instead, she sounded like Harry had just dropped in for a cup of tea. Harry, who had in fact literally dropped in, most certainly did not want a cup of tea.

"Erm, hey, guys. I was just... going for a crawl in the air duct, and... uh, I uh, heard you two fighting. So, yeah. I think I'll go. So, bye."

Ron gestured for Harry to stay. He, too, looked unfazed at Harry's odd entrance. "That's cool, man! You broke in to the roof! Hey, let's go spy on Snape and his boy whore!"

Harry almost protested, but then gave in. "Why not?" Harry asked.

"I'll tell you why not," Hermione started. "Because it's really none of our business what Snape and his students do in their free time."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Well, obviously you'd think that, what with that whole tryst you had with Snape, and all that."

Hermione slightly flushed, and said "Fine, then. Lead the way." She stepped aside, straightening her robes, so that Ron and Harry could stack some chairs one on top of the other so they could climb up into the vent.