Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue

It was Quidditch season...FINALLY! And with that came the dreaded try-outs. Of course old members didn´t have to try-out again so I was home free. It was a good feeling. Yes, yes it was.

Unfortunately, Gryffindor had the most players to replace out of all the other houses. Four people. It doesn´t seem like a lot but when there are only seven players on the field...it was over half the team!! (Major snaps to Hermione for quick math!)

We are doomed. And I don´t mean to sound melodramatic, but it was true. We didn´t have a chance in hell of winning the Quidditch cup this year. We needed a miracle!

And that was exactly what we got. In the shape of one Mary Sue-like package.

She was BRILLIANT! There was no other way to describe the way she flew...like poetry in motion or some other form of sentimental cliché. She ducked and swayed, bobbed, and weaved like a drunkard sailor. It was great...it was absolutely what we needed.

Hey, we figured if we couldn´t have talent...why not just scare the other teams shitless!

I had the Weasley twins working on the delicate skill of taunting the other players...we were hoping that the other teams would get so angry that they would completely forget about Quidditch and come at us with fists. Then Mary Sue would show off her incredible flying talent while the other chasers will cackle evilly while humming the tune to "Mission Impossible." While everyone was busy avoiding disaster with Mary Sue´s erratic flying, I would swoop in and grab the Snitch. The main problem of the plan was that there was no way in HELL that this was going to work... well maybe once (I reasoned)...but for a second and third game, it looked doubtful, unless we were playing Hufflepuff because they were just plain pathetic. There is not a day that goes by that I don´t praise Merlin that I wasn´t sorted into those yellow loving fools.

After I explained "The Plan" to everyone, they all looked more depressed.

If that was possible.

Hermione gave me that look that said, "you´re the savior of the wizardry world...and this is the best you could come up with?" with the patented eye roll and raised eyebrow.

So, I couldn´t plan. Yup, that was my dirty little secret. I was more of a spontaneous type of guy who leapt before I looked, but it hasn´t steered me wrong in the past... right?

Until she brought up Snape/Philosopher´s Stone disaster, the Chamber of Secrets almost death, the Dementors´ kiss incident, The Second Task and the gillyweed...so apparently my track record wasn´t the cleanest...but whose was? I mean who was THAT perfect.

Someone cleared her throat and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around. There was Mary bloody Sue staring me in the face.

Right! Damn perfect Mary Sue. Well, maybe she should be the Quidditch captain. Not the youngest seeker in over a century. I´m sure that she has credentials...probably perfect ones too! I was fuming mad at this point and nothing was making it better. Especially not when Mary Sue started handing out buttons that read:

Support Mary Sue: The Real Hogwarts Celebrity (in glaring scarlet)

Which quickly changed into:

POTTER STINKS! (And is Bad in Bed!) (in accusing emerald)

I had a sinking suspicion that she and Draco collaborated on the project. I mean she did miss that snogging session in the Astronomy tower last week...Was she growing sick of me, I wondered. (And you would have thought that the whole "POTTER STINKS!" would have given me a clue...but it didn´t. What can I say my clueless ness is a part of my boyish charm!) I looked sadly over at Mary Sue who was gleefully wearing her button with pride (a bit egotistically if you ask me...but hey!) and I thought any day now I am going to catch Mary Sue and Draco in the Astronomy Tower snogging. And I knew that it would break my heart.

Well, until the next Muggle born Mary Sue rolled into town that is. And I looked at my watch...that should be any chapter now, I thought as I smiled knowingly. Watch out Draco...my Mary Sue is going to kick your Mary Sue´s arse!