Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue

Then in the middle of lunch one day, Professor Dumbledore rose to make an announcement. I personally thought it was a bit rude since I was in the middle of my sandwich, but I let it pass since it was the headmaster and it would probably be somewhat important. And that was a BIG probably.

"We have a new student joining us today, please give a warm welcoming to..." Professor Dumbledore proclaimed.

At last, I thought. Here was Mary Sue, the second! Draco should be quaking in his little dragonhide booties by now! I rubbed my hands together gleefully and gave a little cackle. My love life isn't going down the crapper! Yes!

"...Gary Stu! Gary Stu was recently studying at a magical school in the States, but has come to Hogwarts to experience British culture and grow as an individual while emotionally healing from his mysterious and painful past," Dumbledore explained with a twinkle in his eye.

Bloody hell! Where was Mary Sue number two? My new girlfriend, my protector, my snogging partner, my evil Draco arse kicker! I really want to kick something at that moment. And yes, Draco's arse would do.

As I looked up from my sandwich (which didn't really seem so appealing anymore), Dumbledore was still rambling- whoops! explaining about the wonders that were Gary Stu. "Since it is the middle of November, Gary Stu had a private sorting..." (Hermione whispered beside me, "Wow, we haven't had a private sorting in a little over eighty years. I read that in Hogwarts: A History. Thomas Riddle was the last!") I glanced at her and she at me and we knew trouble was on the way. "After much debate, Gary Stu was placed in Slytherin. I am sure that the rest of your house will welcome you with open arms."

And that right there kiddies sealed Gary Stu's fate. He was decidedly evil and was immediately put on the "Do NOT Send A Christmas Card To List." And believe me such a list exists, Hermione, Ron, and I found it once and...(Whoops! A bit of deja vu from Chapter 2!)

Anyways, Gary Stu walked quickly over to Draco and gave him a huge grin. They clasped their hands together followed by the man hug and I just knew that they would become fast friends.

Well, birds of a feather flock together, I thought darkly followed by the patent "Evil gits!" phrase by Ron. I was still a bit peeved that Mary Sue number two turned out to be Gary Stu number one, but I suppose I must adjust and try to use this to my advantage somehow.

After lunch was over, Gary Stu caught me in the halls.

"So you are Harry Potter..."

"Yup."

"Defeater of Voldemort..."

"Yup."

"Gryffindor Seeker..."

"Yup."

"Hogwarts Golden Boy..."

"Yup."

"Triwizard Champion..."

"Yup." (And I was beginning to wonder if there was some sort of point to this conversation because I was going to be late to Herbology and Professor Sprout was not so pleased when this happens. She usually had the plants take out her revenge for her and believe me it wasn't pleasant. Take the Devil Snare incident back in second year. It wasn't so much that Ron couldn't relax (well it was a little bit of that), it was mostly that he had been tardy to Herbology twenty times that semester!)

"Just to let you know, all my nights are currently free and open if you know what I mean," he said with a wink.

And since I am such the innocent, I really didn't have a clue what he meant and settled with a "Huh?" for the response.

"Snogging, Astronomy Tower, Us...Do I have to draw you a picture?" he asked with one eyebrow raised.

"But you're a Slytherin and evil and well a BOY! And then there is Mary Sue... And I just, well I..." and I began to trail off helplessly while turning that delightful shade of red that some people swoon over.

He chuckled and moved closer. "You're dating my twin sister, Mary Sue?" At which I nodded my head. "But I thought Draco was...?" At which I shook my head.

"Not until Chapter Five or Six!" I answered accordingly. "But, they don't really love each other and it all just teenage hormones and lust."

"So maybe when you break up with her?" he asked hopefully.

But I shook my head. "I'm not gay in this fanfiction," I hissed under my breath. "Maybe after this over, we could go snog senseless but right now it would be inappropriate. Flames and such and there were no disclaimers that it was slash. You know, general procedure!"

Gary Stu just looked impatient. "So when do you think this fanfiction is going to end?"

Harry laughed. "Oh man...you really have no clue! You do realize that seven out of ten fanfictions never get finished. So that was me saying a polite "no way in hell"! And besides Draco would kill me if I did anything with you. He is a bit possessive and the love of my life."

"WHAT?!"

I turned around and there was Mary Sue. She didn't look quite so beautiful now that she was cracking her knuckles and shooting daggers at me via her eyes. "You're cheating on me with DRACO?!" she seethed.

Hmmm...I mused. Now isn't that just bloody ironic. She was supposed to be cheating on ME with DRACO and now I had stolen him from her. It was so bloody amusing and I couldn't help but laugh. Apparently that was the wrong action because she advanced toward me with a fire in her eyes while I began quickly retreating from her enraged form. She raised her hand to slap me, but someone caught her wrist and pushed her away.

"Don't you dare touch him," Draco said angrily and positioned himself between Mary Sue and myself. "You sodding American cliché. I can't believe you have lasted this long and now it seems that you have multiplied yourself. Congratulations on asexual reproduction, but I think this copy is a bit off," he mocked and motion towards Gary Stu, who looked a bit offended.

"Draco, what about being buddies and brothers-in-arms, and the man hug? Surely you haven't forgotten the man hug?" Gary Stu explained quickly while looking confused how Draco could be behaving nasty and towards him no less!

"That was before you started to seduce my boyfriend. Now, all bets are off!" Draco warned threateningly and pulled me close to him in a protective fashion.

"But, I thought Harry wasn't gay in this fanfic...he said so himself!" Gary Stu exclaimed.

"Why did you hit on him then?" Draco countered and began stroking my hair gently with his hands. And I had to admit that it felt wonderful. This was truly heaven to be in Draco's arms while feeling loved and protected. If I only I could get Mary Sue to stop screaming, "Why, why!" at the top of her lungs life would be good. Nah, I take that back... life would be fabulous.

Meanwhile as I was musing within my head of course, Gary Stu was throwing up his hands mumbling about plot inconsistencies and the confusion over my sexuality. He looked like he wanted to comfort his twin, but then he thought better of it as she began to scream louder and throw her hands around in an erratic fashion. And I knew our privacy was soon to be breached because she was making so much noise that I was surprised that half the school was not here trying to figure out what the commotion was over.

Unfortunately the noise piqued the interest of the two people that I did not want to see right now.

My two best friends: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

"MALFOY! What are you doing to Harry! Get away from him you-you EVIL GIT!" Ron yelled while becoming red in the face. Unfortunately, Ron and Hermione didn't quite know about Draco's and my secret relationship.

Hell, even I didn't know about it until the writers sprung it on me in the last author character meeting. Let me tell you that accidental magic definitely happen after that revelation.

"I thought you were with Mary Sue?" Hermione asked.

"Well...not exactly. I just don't feel the same way about her as I did in chapter one," I explained. "I think she is plotting against me with Voldemort, too," I added in a whisper.

"Thank god!" Ron and Hermione exclaimed in unison.

"What?? I thought you loved Mary Sue. She was helping you in your classes, Hermione, and helping you at chess, Ron. And she was the savior to all our Quidditch problems, too," I mused.

"Not bloody likely," Ron said and snorted. "Actually, Hermione and I were quietly waiting until she either got murdered, betrayed you to Voldemort, cheated on you, got resorted, or any combination of the above. Our last ditch effort was to wait until June 21^st when the new book would be released. That way it would solve the dilemma of your significant other and effectively kill some of these fifth year American born transfer students. I mean, how unoriginal can you get!" Ron huffed and crossed his hands over his chest.

"In fact I have decided to abandon S.P.E.W for now and work on my new project," Hermione replied, "Well, until June 21^st that is," she added hastily. She handed him a button, which was a brilliant shade of blue with the anagram R.E.T.C.H across it.

"What does it stand for?" I asked quizzically.

Hermione looked a bit miffed that I couldn't figure it out, but answered anyways. "Well, it stands for 'Reestablishing Eminence To Canon Humdrum.'" And she stamped her foot in impatience.

I gave her a blank look followed by a weak smile, but I paid the two sickles joining fee and pinned the damn badge to my robes. Hermione could get pretty scary when she didn't get her way.

Ron poked Hermione in the ribs and asked quietly, "Does that mean we have to start being nice to Malfoy?"

She looked at him pointedly, "Would you rather Mary Sue?" Who I should mention at this point was being forcefully held back by her twin Gary Stu and was screaming, "I'll get you Potter, if it's the last thing I do...I'll get you Potter and your pretty dog too!"

Ron wrinkled his noise and promptly stuck out his hand.

"Well Draco, how are you? Any good Muggle torturing lately?" The three Gryffindors and one Slytherin looked at each other and promptly laughed. And of course scooted away from the two twins as Mary Stu began to growl and foam at the mouth.

Those American born fifth year transfer students can be pretty scary when they put their mind to it.

Must be something in the water!

THE END