Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue

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Potions class, I thought, Bugger!

And of course I got paired with Mary Sue because that's number two on the list of "How to make Harry Potter and Mary Sue a Couple." Believe me, such a list exists...Hermione, Ron, and I found it once and they haven't let me live it down since. Personally, I was hoping we were going to try number one though because at least that one is kinky! Sigh, I guess my author doesn't want to up the rating to R and lose some of her readers. Damn her and damn you too! I honestly didn't see the point of going to all this trouble since we are snogging in the Astronomy Tower every night, but who am I to question the plot line?

Suddenly Snape was at my desk looking peeved.

"Well Mr. Potter?" he said and sneered. When doesn't he sneer? I wondered. The authors should really only comment on his facial expressions when he doesn't because it wastes precious space to mention it. Maybe I will bring it up at the next author-character meeting. Snape sneered again and then repeated his question. Maybe not, I thought, he probably likes any face time he can get.

"ER...well, I..." stammered and trailed off. I'm a bit clueless for such a powerful wizard, I reflected. Part of my boyish charm, I assume? Suddenly there was a strange tingling in the back of my head.

* Harry? *

*Ah, yes Mary Sue? * I thought back tentatively.

* I'm telepathic. *

* Oh, of course you are. You are a Mary Sue. *

* Right! * she sent back brightly. And damn do I hate it when she is chipper. We are in the middle of freaking Potions class...get some good depressed feelings, would you? Or at least wipe that grin off your face!

* How can I answer your telepathic thoughts since I am a real character and thus confined by simple rules of logic? * I thought back instead. It's really hard being a real character, I mused, especially the title character to boot. Sometimes I actually have to make tough decisions.

No, not really, I thought and shook my head. But being a damn puppet doesn't really play on anyone's sympathy card, so I like to embellish a bit. Okay, maybe a lot. So sue me! It's already been done you say? So is Mary Sue, but no one is stopping that!

* Ah well, once I make the connection, then it's all downhill after that * she replied. And of course I am not going to question that logic, because I know a plot hole when I see it. Instead, I am going to nod convincingly and then get really defensive when people mention it in the reviews. Brilliant plan as always, Mr. Potter, I commended myself...in my head of course.

* So are you going to tell me what Snape is going on about? *

* Of course, Harry, that is why I chose to reveal my powers to begin with *

* Isn't that really foolish to reveal that secret for only a mere answer and the avoidance of a possible detention with Snape *

* Nah, I'm Mary Sue. I know what I am doing. Besides if you get detention, we wouldn't be able to snog in the Astronomy Tower tonight! *

I wipe a tear from my eye. Damn, I'm going to miss Mary Sue when she starts cheating on me with Draco. She really is a thoughtful girl. Too bad she can't be faithful as well. But at least I don't have to worry about her tragic flaw for another couple chapters or so. So my motto is: enjoy it while it last!