Harry Potter and the Arrival of the Mary Sue

Harry looked up and saw that the Sorting had begun. Finally! Ah. It's the Mary Sue...here to do wandless magic, be my beautiful girlfriend with a mysterious past, and defeat Voldemort single-handedly while I am tied up, hurt, or somewhere else.

And it's about bloody time! I was a bit sick of being the bloody savior every waking moment. The hat yelled out Gryffindor for the whole hall to hear and Mary Sue walked over to my table. Of course the Mary Sue would be sorted into Gryffindor. It would be too confusing for the dim-witted author to actually consider another house and it may mess with the plot. Curse that Mary Sue for being so perfect, I thought as she seductively continued walking across the room. Sigh, she's another transfer American Muggle-born Mary Sue too. I can tell. I wonder if there are factories that mass produce those little buggers.

She stuck out her hand.

"I'm..."

"Mary Sue," I answered. "I know, you're famous in the fanfiction world."

"Really?"

"Really. Don't worry, I'll either try to kill you somehow if you are evil or snog you senseless if you are good."

"Ah," she said nervously.

"And don't be alarmed if you die I am sure another banal author will resurrect you."

"Ah!" she said and visibly brightened.

"So hanging out with Voldemort, yet?" I questioned.

"Classified," she smiled. "It would ruin the climax if it came out now you understand? It's only the first chapter! No hard feelings?"

"Oh, of course not. Is there anything else I should know?"

"I've had a troubled past with mysterious and suspicious details," she answered and flicked her eyes over to Draco. So she is trying to be a complex Mary Sue. Hmmm...feelings for Malfoy and possible feelings for me. I sense conflict...at least maybe I will have some witty banter scenes with Draco. Then after this trite story, we can go snog senseless. Yeah, he would like that.

"You aren't related to me, are you?" I asked and prayed not because that meant no snogging for me because incest just isn't cool unless it is adding to my angst and making me turn evil.

"No."

"Related to Dumbledore?"

"Maybe."

"Voldemort?"

"Possibility."

"You're lying!"

"Most likely."

I sighed. She was a frustrating Mary Sue and no doubt I would have sleepless nights trying to uncover her mystery. Maybe Hermione would help me out. Unless she and Ron were snogging senseless in some dark corner. Damn, I'll probably feel lonely about that, too. At least until Mary Sue and I hook up and then she cheats on me with Draco. Sigh. I am in for some serious angst. Damn you, Mary Sue!

"Can you do wandless magic?"

"Of course. I am a Mary Sue!" We both laughed at this joke.

"Are you an Animagus?"

"That too."

"Resist the Unforgivables?"

"Yup!"

"Heir of some House?"

"Hufflepuff."

"Funny," I mused, "A lot of the Hufflepuff Heirs end up in Gryffindor. Sometimes Ravenclaw Heirs too. Is there anything you can't do?" I questioned.

"Nope. I'm flawless, hence my Mary Sue-ism."

"Ah," I said and nodded.

And she nodded with me, but she was not really paying attention for instead her eyes wandered to the High Table. She gasped and looked faint.

"Someone from your past?" She avoided my gaze. Bingo! It was probably Snape. He had a dark mysterious past that would fit right in with a Mary Sue.

"So what do you want to do?" She looked at me with those perfect eyes and perfect hair and smiled, perfectly. I felt my knees go weak even though she was a Mary Sue.

"We could go snog," she answered.

"Ah. Perfect idea, as always," I said. Hell even though I had just met her, I had to get all the snogging in before she started cheating on me with Draco and I got all depressed. If worse comes to worse and she is evil...I could kiss her to death. And they say love conquers all. I wonder if "they" ever met a Mary Sue.