Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not own Harry Potter, the characters and all associated names. We also do not own any of the melodies used for the songs - those belong to their credited artist(s). However, the lyrics are completely original, and we are very proud and protective of them. No stealing. We'll find you. Also, reviews are welcome, but keep flames nice.

Act II, Scene 5: The Beginning of the End

Lord Voldemort is standing alone on the stage, which is still set as the Hogwarts scene. The outline of the Hogwarts castle is in the background, with lit windows and turrets, while the trees of the forest are set up to the left. Voldemort is toying with the Elder wand as he makes his way down the steps to the area in front of the raised stage.

"With the Wand of Destiny in my possession..." he muses to nobody. It is clear that he is feeling particularly confident and arrogant right now. "How can anyone, even Harry Potter, defeat me?"

"My Lord!" Bellatrix enters from the rear of the theatre, running up the center aisle toward the Dark Lord Voldemort. She has a look of sheer panic on her face.

Bellatrix falls to her knees at Voldemort's feet and speaks in a faltering voice. "Master, the Potter boy and his two friends have broken into my vault at Gringotts."

All arrogance drains from Voldemort's face, to be replaced by a look of fury.

"And they escaped?" he says in a voice that sounds as if he is just barely keeping his temper. Bellatrix nods. "What did they steal?"

"The small golden cup..."

"That I asked you to guard, or your life would be worth nothing?" he finishes Bellatrix's sentence quietly. She nods again, preparing for the explosion.

He doesn't disappoint her. Voldemort opens his mouth and loudly hisses and spits for several moments, clearly swearing in Parseltongue. Bellatrix flinches at the beginning of the tantrum, but then a look of confusion crosses her face as her master continues to rant and rave incoherently. Dark Lord Voldemort finally falls silent, panting slightly in anger. Following his words, a long beep rings across the stage, entirely too late to "censor" the Parselmouth's potty mouth.

"Listen to me closely," he says in English. "I should kill you for your incompetence, but I won't." Bellatrix lowers her head in submission, hiding the look of relief on her face.

"I need you to gather my Death Eaters and report to Hogwarts. The Potter boy will return to the school before long, and that is likely where the battle will take place. Do not fail me this time."

Bellatrix rises and exits quickly, as though she cannot believe her good fortune. Voldemort waits until she can no longer be seen, then rants in Parseltongue for a few more seconds. Again, he falls into contemplative silence, then calmly hisses. Nagini enters, slithering to Voldemort. He bends to pick her up, wrapping her around his neck and turning her head to face him.

"We have a problem, Nagini," Voldemort says softly to her. "Now, I know what they're up to."

-

Horcrux Murder

(To the tune of "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort

-

Voldie: Murdering Horcruxes!

Now I know that's their plan

Murd'ring my Horcruxes to beat me

-

I can't believe they've found them

There ain't no way around them

They're smarter than I thought they were

Especially that Potter boy, he's

On his way to destroy, and

I must stop him from this slaughter

-

Murdering Horcruxes!

Now I know that's their plan

Murd'ring my Horcruxes to beat me

-

Now I must go and check them

And hopefully protect them

My ring, locket, cup and diadem

And I will take Nagini

So none can be a meanie

Keep her close so that her life won't end

-

Murdering Horcruxes!

Now I know that's their plan

Murd'ring my Horcruxes to beat me!

-

After the song ends, Voldemort stands in place for a moment, obviously lost in thought. He is stroking Nagini's head like a clichéd villain from old spy movies.

"While my "Dark Queen" rallies my army, I have my own job to complete. I must make sure that all of my other Horcruxes are safe." With Nagini still wrapped around his neck, he flares his cloak out from behind him and "flies" up the center aisle, otherwise known as holding the edges of his cape and running on tiptoe.

Meanwhile, Bellatrix enters on stage near the Hogwarts castle. Other Death Eaters enter in a stream, as well. Bellatrix and Lucius work on lining them up and organizing them while the spotlight and attention return to Lord Voldemort, who has reentered from the back of the theatre.

He "flies" up the aisle toward the stage, this time with one arm of his cloak covering his face Dracula style, stopping three times to check under the seats of three different audience members.

He straightens up each time with a cry of frustration. When Dark Lord Voldemort reaches the stage, he throws his hands up in despair and bellows angrily, "They're gone! My Horcruxes are gone!" He flips his cloak out behind him again to "fly" up the stage steps, this time like Superman.

All of the Death Eaters are lined up in rows by the time Voldemort reaches the center of the stage. They are bunched to the left of the stage among the trees, allowing the audience a full view of the Hogwarts castle to the right. Dark Lord Voldemort joins his Death Eaters, standing slightly in front of them as they all face the castle. He points his wand to his throat and mutters, "Sonorus."

In a booming, magnified voice, Voldemort announces: "I know that you are preparing to fight. Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I do not want to spill magical blood. Give me Harry Potter, and I will spare your lives. Continue to resist, and my Death Eaters and I will defeat you. This is your last chance. Surrender Harry Potter."

A window opens in one of Hogwarts towers, and a rude voice calls out: "You suck!" Many of the Death Eaters gasp, and murmuring breaks out.

Voldemort remains calm, though his eye twitches slightly.

"If that's the way you want it, then let the battle begin!"

Strobe lights flash on the stage repeatedly, so that only glimpses of the action are visible. A large disco ball is lowered, showering sparkles on everything. Multicolored lights flash back and forth as everyone dashes on and off the stage. The Death Eaters are now mingled with New Hogwarts Peeps, exchanging beams of light from their wands. A few of the combatants are affixed to wires that allow them to be thrown backwards as they are hit by curses. For those brave enough to engage in hand-to-hand combat, like Fenrir Greyback, people are lifted in a style similar to Dirty Dancing and are spun, thrown, and tumble across the stage. Basically random chaos.

Voldemort dashes off the stage and down the steps in the mayhem. Many others exit the stage, too, though their voices can still be heard as they all begin to sing:

-

Battle at Hogwarts

(To the tune of "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort, the Golden Trio, New Hogwarts Peeps & the Death Eater Chorus

-

All: Battle at Hogwarts
Battle at Hogwarts
Battle at Hogwarts
Battle at Hogwarts
Battle!

-

Harry Potter, Professors McGonagall, Sprout, and Flitwick rush to the center of the stage, Sprout carrying a pot with a spidery-looking plant in it. They are followed by Yaxley, George Weasley, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Ginny --

Weasley, and Arthur Weasley. Everyone is sending beams of light everywhere. Random masked Death Eaters and New Hogwarts Peeps keep flitting across the stage, in the midst of their own battles.

-

Harry Potter: Expelliarmus!
Professor McGonagall: It's time to protect the school
Professor Sprout: Venomous Tentacula
Professor Flitwick: Protego Horribilus I say

-

Yaxley: Wizards screaming
George Weasley: Confundo!
Kingsley Shacklebolt: Petrificus Totalus!
Ginny Weasley: When the Bogeys start to explode

-

Arthur Weasley: Let everybody join--

-

Lucius enters, not even fighting. He is looking in every direction as everyone begins to sing the chorus.

-

All: The Battle at Hogwarts!
Lucius: Oh what a battle!
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Lucius: Gotta find my son
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Lucius: Oh what a battle!
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Lucius: Where is that boy...
All: BATTLE!

-

A new group enters the stage. Dolohov is dueling with Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks with Bellatrix. Fred and Percy Weasley are also exchanging beams of light with Rookwood and Travers. Hagrid makes his way across the stage by riding on a giant spider.

-

Dolohov: Cru-u-u-u-u-cio!
Remus Lupin: Locomotor Mortis!
Nymphadora Tonks: Have you seen Remus?
Bellatrix Lestrange: Gotta prune my family tree

-

Fred Weasley: Bro made a joke
Percy Weasley: Family reunion
Augustus Rookwood: Imperio! Incendio! Yeah!
Travers: Let's fight until the battle's won

-

Hagrid: Follow the spiders to--

-

Neville enters, throwing potted plants and huge grapefruit-sized seeds at every Death Eater.

-

All: The Battle at Hogwarts!
Neville: Oh what a battle!
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Neville: Snargaluff Pods
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Neville: Oh what a battle!
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Neville: Herbology kills
All: BATTLE!

-

Ron, Hermione, Aberforth, and Draco enter. They aren't even fighting, just dancing in a conga line across the mayhem of the stage.

-

Ron, Hermione, & Draco: In the corridor there are hexes everywhere
Aberforth (echo): Hexes everywhere!
Ron, Hermione, & Draco: There's so much dusty rubble in the air

-

Another new group enters as the previous one exits: Parvati, Peeves, and Sybil Trelawney are fighting Fenrir Greyback. Peeves is cackling madly. Also, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnegan, Luna Lovegood, and Ernie MacMillan are sending silvery Patronuses across the stage. Snape stands to one end, nearly among the trees.

-

Parvati Patil: Impedimenta!
Peeves: Mayhem is my forte (cackle)
Fenrir Greyback: Oh, the smell of blood!
Sybil Trelawney: I have orbs for all who need them

-

Dean Thomas: Stupefy!
Seamus Finnigan: Expecto Patronum!
Luna Lovegood: Think of happy memories
Ernie Macmillan: We are all here to carry on

-

Severus Snape: Their resistance crumbles--

-

A spotlight shines in the audience, showing Lord Voldemort seated at the end of the first row. He's not even in the battle! He's just sitting there with Nagini around his neck and a bowl of popcorn in his lap as the chorus is sung.

-

All: The Battle at Hogwarts!
Voldie: I'm not in the battle!
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Voldie: In the Shrieking Shack
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Voldie: Leave it to others!
All: Battle at Hogwarts
Voldie: Just me and my snake
All: BATTLE!

-

The sounds of the music fade. The warriors onstage do not make any sounds, though they are still exchanging beams of light with one another. Voldemort rises from his seat in the front row, depositing the popcorn on the floor. Mysterious music plays in the background as he slowly makes his way up the stairs to the stage. The sounds of the battle can be faintly heard in the background as he takes a seat in a ratty old armchair. The chair is clearly separated from the mimed battle scene. Dark Lord Voldemort removes Nagini from around his neck and, with one wave of his wand, encases her in a spherical glass cage. In deep thought, he strokes the outside of the glass as he stares thoughtfully towards the balcony.

-

Riddle-De-Dee (Reprise)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort

-

Voldie: Riddle-de-dee-da, Riddle-de-day

How did my life end up this way?

Ultimate evil; what can I say?

Riddle-de-dee-da, Riddle-de-day

-

Nagini in her bubble

Their fighting is futile

I have almost won the battle

-

Riddle-de-de-da, Riddle-de-day

I'm glad my life turned out this way

All of the power, dominant sway

Riddle-de-dee-da, Riddle-de-day

-

The music ends. Lord Voldemort toys with the Elder wand between his fingers.

"I need Snape," he muses. "I cannot be the true master of the Wand of Destiny unless I defeat the previous master..." In one determined move, Voldemort stands to his feet and faces the battle. He finds Snape in the midst of the mayhem, beckons to him, and the two exit the stage. Meanwhile, the duels continue. Flashes of light shoot across the stage from Hogwarts warriors and Death Eaters alike. Suddenly, a scream is heard from offstage, and the battle pauses momentarily. Before it can resume, Voldemort's voice booms through the theater.

"You have fought valiantly. Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery. Yet many have died, and more will die if you continue to resist me. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste. Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately. You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured." The New Hogwarts Peeps and the Golden Trio huddle together to the right. The Death Eaters dart among the trees on the opposite side as the magnified voice continues. There is a blackout, but the voiceover continues.

"I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall wait for one hour in the Forbidden Forest. If, at the end of that hour, you have not given yourself up, then the battle will continue. This time, I shall enter the fray myself, Harry Potter, and I shall find you, and woe to anyone who stands in my way."