Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Authors' Note: Well folks, here it is: the final chapter of Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical! This is a sad day for the authors, what with it being the end of updates, but it is also a happy one because our musical tale of the Dark Lord's life is finally published! Hooray! And don't forget, we're still planning on creating a soundtrack featuring the voice talents of the authors and a few of our sometimes musically challenged friends. If you'd like to be among the first to receive the tracks, or if you'd like a few updates now and then on the progress of the album, please send an e-mail to: voldie(at)live(dot)com. Fanmail is also appreciated...

Before we say goodbye we'd really like to thank our readers and reviewers, especially those who do repeat reviews. You are the people we write for, and your dazzling reviews make us believe that our pointless parodies are all worthwhile. Thank you so very much!

And as always... the Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not own Harry Potter, the characters and all associated names. We also do not own any of the melodies used for the songs - those belong to their credited artist(s). However, the lyrics are completely original, and we are very proud and protective of them. No stealing. We'll find you. Also, reviews are welcome, but keep flames nice... quite honestly, I don't see how you could ever flame a comedy. That's why it's a comedy.

Act II, Scene 6: The Final Battle

There is silence as the lights come back up. The scene has changed to a forest clearing, where Lord Voldemort stands in the center with his hands crossed. Around him in a semi-circle are the Death Eaters: all hooded, none showing their faces. Tied to a tree on the left side of the stage is Hagrid, and as two Death Eaters enter past him their "whispered" conversation can clearly be heard.

"I don't think he's coming," one of them mutters.

"Why do you say that?" the other asks.

"He'd be here already if he were going to show up."

"Well, I think he'll come. There's no way he wouldn't."

"Why do you think that?" the first Death Eater asks.

"Because I... am Harry Potter." With that dramatic declaration, the second Death Eater rips off his mask and robes, revealing that he is, indeed, Harry Potter. The first Death Eater, along with all the others, gasps in surprise, but Voldemort is unphased. Hagrid struggles against his bindings, but Voldemort is too quick and pulls out the Elder Wand. He gives one last triumphant smile before pointing it at Potter and shouting, "Avada Kedavra!"

Both Voldemort and Harry drop to the ground, motionless. There is a stunned pause in the circle before one lone Death Eater cautiously approaches the Dark Lord.

"My Lord?" Bellatrix's barely audible whisper cuts through the silence. "My Lord, are you... alright?" She tries to find the pulse in his wrist but can't feel it, so she slowly reaches for the pulse in his neck. When her fingers are about two inches away, Voldemort suddenly springs up from the ground, eliciting a screeching yell from Bellatrix and all the others.

"Of course! I have never been better! But just to be sure," Voldemort slowly turns on his heel to a Death Eater hovering near the edge of the stage. "Narcissa, check to see if the boy lives." Narcissa steps forward hesitantly, then rushes to Potter's side. She bends to inspect him, and as she does so all of the gathered Death Eaters visibly lean in expectantly. As she straightens, she announces in a loud, clear, proud voice: "He's dead."

There is a stunned pause, in which this information is processed, before there is a joyous cheer from all. The Dark Lord takes a few calming breaths, trying to keep his excitement in tow, before he screeches, "Enough!" All immediately fall silent.

"It is now time for our victory march - everyone in line! The giant shall carry the sack of potatoes." Everyone stares around at each other in confusion. One Death Eater is looking for a sack of potatoes under a log. Voldemort rolls his eyes as he sighs. "The boy."

"Oh!" everyone choruses as they fall into step. Hagrid's ties are unbound and he sobs as he lifts Harry. Voldemort heads this strange parade, using his wand as a baton as he leads the way down the stage and up and down the aisle. As Voldemort sings, his voice is magically magnified to address the residents of Hogwarts.

-

Victory

(To the tune of "I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Has Gone" by Johnny Nash)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort with echoes by the Death Eater Chorus

-

Voldie: Victory is mine now that Harry's dead

No one alive is left to bar my way

The wizarding world is fin'lly mine to rule

-

Victory is mine

(Mine)

Mine

(Mine)

-

All mine today

You will surrender to me now, Hogwarts

Since the Boy Who Lived now lives no more

Cease your fighting and bow down to me

-

Victory is mine

(Mine)

Mine

(Mine)

All mine today

-

By now Voldemort and his parade have reached the back of the theatre. As they continue the song the set onstage changes back to Hogwarts, complete with sobbing New Hogwarts Peeps and terrified students alike.

-

Look, on the ground - your hero has fallen

Look all around, your army has fallen

-

If you will join my cause I'll spare your life

If you refuse your whole family will pay

Together we'll start to build a brand new world

-

Victory is mine

(Mine)

Mine

(Mine)

All mine today

-

All of the Death Eaters file onstage, mixed in with the New Hogwarts peeps. Voldemort gives an insane madman laugh as he yells, "Yes, victory is mine! All mine! No one is left to stand in my way!"

"You wanna bet!" Neville, of all people, screams. Very quickly, Neville pulls the sword of Gryffindor from a random stone and uses it to lob off Nagini's head as she hangs off Voldemort's shoulders. There is another pause --

as Voldemort stares at the severed head in horror and Harry jumps down from Hagrid's arms.

"Jolly good work, Neville," Harry plainly states. There are cries of triumph from the New Hogwarts Peeps and sounds of outrage from the Death Eaters. The stage lights flicker madly as some smoke pours onstage, and one by one the Death Eaters start to fall and flee. As the chaos calms down, Voldemort and Bellatrix are the only two left standing in the middle of a bunch of pissed-off hero-worshipping wizards.

Panicking, Bellatrix throws a hex at the closest person, who happens to be Ginny Weasley. From the side there is an indignant cry of "Oh no you did not!" as Molly Weasley steps forward. Bellatrix takes a few steps back, looking to Voldemort for help.

"Master... an angry mother..." she whispers in terror.

Voldemort takes a step away from Bellatrix, motioning towards Molly. "She's all yours. Laters!"

A blinding light issues from the tip of Molly's wand, and when the light dims Bellatrix is lying on the ground, motionless. It is now Voldemort standing centre stage, surrounded by a crowd of Muggle-loving, Mudblood-sympathizing simpletons. He looks around, concealing his panic. Opposite him stands Harry, his face in an expression of the utmost arrogance. "Just me and you now, Tommy. Just you and me."

-

The Flaw in the Plan

(To the tune of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort & Harry Potter

-

Voldie: There he stands though he once was dead

I thought he was gone--that's what Narcissa had said

He perished in the forest; we all thought it was true

-

I am so confused

Oh, I am so confused

-

As Voldemort sings, snippets of Harry's speech can be heard through the music: "...Snape...double-agent...Dumbledore...planned it all...Horcrux...was killed in the forest..."

-

He tries to tell me that Severus lied

It was all a show--he was really on their side

I will not believe and I'm not amused

-

I am so confused

Oh, I am so confu--

What's that he's saying?

Confu-u-u-u-sed

-

"Elder wand....master was the Malfoy boy...disarmed and took it from him...have remorse..."

-

Harry: I'm the Master of the Wand

And now your time is done

Oh, now your time is done

-

Voldie: I am so

So confused

I just

Just don't know

-

Until this point in the song the Dark Lord has been looking at Potter with an expression of utmost confusion as he sang, but no longer will he allow this unexpected setback rob him of his cool.

-

I don't know how my plan went so wrong

But for this moment I have waited so long

So now everything you soon shall lose

-

Oh, I know what I must do

And I refuse to lose

-

As the song concludes there is a moment of silence as there is an intense stare down. Suddenly, both shout their respective spells.

"Expelliarmus!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

It is clear that the green and red beams of light connect, but almost instantly the green light rebounds and hits Voldemort square in the chest. His wand goes flying into the audience and he is lifted high above the stage into the air. For the brief moment he is suspended in the air a bright white and gold light shines down upon him as the first few notes of the Hallelujah chorus reverberate throughout the theatre. There is an expression of total peace and awe on the Dark Lord's face, coupled with extreme shock. This lasts until the music stops, the lights cut off, and he drops the ten feet back to the stage with a sickening thud.

All the gathered cast stare the body of the Dark Lord for a brief moment before cheers envelope the theatre and confetti showers down upon the stage and audience. Through all this ruckus the remaining Death Eaters slowly filter back onstage, coming to the front of the stage as the cheering fades into the background. A somber melody begins as they all hang their heads and start to sing.

-

Finale

(To the tune of "American Pie" by Don McLean)

Sung by the Golden Trio, the Death Eater Chorus & the New Hogwarts Peeps

-

Death Eater Chorus: Oh no, we are screwed

Our Master has bit the dust

Been deafeted by that Potter boy

-

But one final curse he hurled

Then left forever from this world

And now this new regime we won't enjoy

-

'Cause now we'll go to Azkaban

Our lives have not turned out as planned

As for Master Voldie

Well, he will get quite moldy

-

His plan has failed, though we are here

Now we cry while they all cheer

We all thought he could not be beat

We know that we were wrong...

-

All: Die, die, Voldemort's last goodbye

He's been bested, he invested in a plan that's awry

One of the great Dark wizards of our lifetime

-

Not to remember his tale is a crime

Not to remember his tale is a crime

-

The tempo picks up as the Death Eaters fall to the back of the stage. The New Hogwarts peeps come to the front, leaping and snapping their fingers as they sing, twirl, and dance to the tune. Voldemort's body is still lying on the floor, but everyone seems to simply avoid the body and dance around it as opposed to having to actually touch it.

The Death Eaters are still sulking, but one by one they join the dance pretending to be excited. They alternate between snapping and sobbing uncontrollably.

-

Hogwarts Peeps: When Harry shouted his last spell

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named finally fell

We never dreamed that this day would come

-

So we lifted our hero on our shoulders high

And left You-Know-Who on the floor to lie

At long last the new dawn has come

-

Trio: The Snitch is caught, the match is won

At last our grueling quest is done

The threat's no longer real, Voldemort's fate's now sealed

-

But though Voldemort's gone the fear remains

Still they refuse to say his name

And that is fine, but we proclaim

Don't let fear rule your life

We all are singing--

-

All: Die, die, Voldemort's last goodbye

He's been bested, he invested in a plan that's awry

One of the great Dark wizards of our lifetime

-

Not to remember his tale is a crime

Not to remember his tale is a crime

-

The tempo slows down once more as all the gathered cast stand with their arms around each other's shoulders, swaying to the music. The Death Eaters are mixed in with the New Hogwarts Peeps, their hoods down as they honestly sing the last verse. Meanwhile, the body of the once great Dark Lord is still visible just in front of the singing wizards.

-

Die, die, Voldemort's last goodbye

He's been bested, he invested in a plan that's awry

One of the great Dark wizards of our lifetime

-

Not to remember his tale is a crime

Not to remember his tale is a crime

-

All present cast members onstage are standing in a semicircle. The Death Eaters all hang their heads and sigh but everyone else gives a fading cheer as the lights dim for the last time.

Blackout.

The lights come back up, but the stage is empty. Characters run on to take their respective bows during the curtain call. Of course, the Dark Lord is the last to bow. As Voldemort steps forward, several Death Eaters hold signs that read "STANDING OVATION... or ELSE" as the remaining Death Eaters brandish their wands threateningly towards the audience. The entire cast takes one final bow, and as the curtains fall Voldemort can be seen blowing kisses and waving to the audience.

END ACT