Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not own Harry Potter, the characters and all associated names. We also do not own any of the melodies used for the songs - those belong to their credited artist(s). However, the lyrics are completely original, and we are very proud and protective of them. No stealing. We'll find you. Also, reviews are welcome, but keep flames nice.

Act II, Scene 4: Obsession

The Dark Lord Voldemort spins on the stage, and--in a flash of light and a puff of smoke--disappears. The stage darkens momentarily then is dimly illuminated by blue lights. These lights give a bluish tint to the setting, which is a dungeon. Shackles litter the walls, and a small tin plate lies in a corner with a piece of bread on it. Curled up next to the plate is a rather emancipated man. He trembles every few seconds.

Suddenly, the Dark Lord Voldemort reenters from stage left. His piercing voice comes close to cracking as he screams:

"Ollivander!" The man lying on the floor winces, crawling across the stage in the opposite direction. "You told me the problem would be solved by using another's wand! You know what must happen now!"

Ollivander wildly shakes his head. "No, no I beg you! Not the Cruciatus Curse!"

Voldemort cackles, but then pulls another wand from his cloak. Ollivander furrows his brow in confusion.

"My wand? But what are you--"

Lord Voldemort pulls a power saw from behind his back and revs it on. With a quick jerk, he saws Ollivander's wand in half, causing the wandmaker to writhe in seeming agony.

"No! No! Not my wand! Not my fourteen and one-eighth inches, almond and phoenix feather wand!"

"You sought to help Potter, to help him escape me!"

"I swear I did not...I believed a different wand would work!"

Voldemort pulls another wand seemingly from midair and holds it near the saw as well.

Ollivander shakes his head in horror. "Not my spare wand too! Not my twelve and three-eighths inches mahogany and dragon heartstring wand!"

Voldemort saws this wand in half as well, then demands, "Explain, then what happened. Lucius's wand is destroyed!"

"I cannot understand...The connection...exists only...between your two wands..."

"Lies!"

Ollivander writhes as Voldemort pulls yet another wand from his cloak.

"No, not my back-up wand as well! Not my twelve inch cherry and maple wand with essence of pixie hair!"

After the Dark Lord destroys this wand, he turns to exit the stage, leaving Ollivander trembling and thrashing about on the floor. Voldemort stops just before he disappears from sight, as though struck by a sudden thought. Ollivander sobs from his place on the floor.

Voldemort faces him and commands: "Tell me of the Deathstick."

Ollivander jerks in surprise. "Th-the Deathstick?"

Voldemort pulls another wand into view and holds it threateningly near the saw's blades. Ollivander moans, muttering under his breath, "Ash...eleven inches...powdered basilisk fang...emergency wand..."

"Do not feign ignorance! I have heard of this wand--the Deathstick. Tell me what you know!"

Ollivander shivers, his eyes between the saw and his beloved wand. "But you are so powerful! Why should you have need of it?"

"You fool!" Voldemort screams, then sings.

-

Wand of Destiny

(To the tune of "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort & Mr. Ollivander

-

Voldie: My Yew wand failed... yes, yes

To complete my killing spell

The borrowed wand was also a dud

But now I need, the Deathstick to finish the deed

-

Both: This is a power that we both seek

Something that is invincible

It's the Wand of Destiny

-

Here's a wand that can't be beat

With it there can be no defeat

It's the Wand of Destiny

-

Where's it gone to?

Could belong to

Anybody else but you

-

Ollivander: I don't even know where it is

And I wouldn't say if I did

No wait, oh please, don't torture me!

If you just stop I will do as you bid

The last I knew, it belonged to an evil wizard like you

-

Both: This is a power that we both seek

Something that is invincible

It's the Wand of Destiny

-

Here's a wand that can't be beat

With it there can be no defeat

It's the Wand of Destiny

-

Where's it gone to?

Could belong to

Anybody else but you

This is a power that we both seek

Something that is invincible

It's the Wand of Destiny...

-

A spotlight hits on Lord Voldemort, who walks to the front of the stage and stands directly in the middle, facing the audience. The lights behind him fade, so that he is all that can be seen. He clasps his hands in front of him and addresses the audience in a rather wounded voice, as though seeking sympathy.

"I've only left for a little while on a very important quest--to find the infamous Wand of Destiny. In my absence, I asked a very simple task of my Death Eaters: capture Harry Potter; they didn't even have to kill him. I would do that. I made sure to leave them the easy part, sure they could not screw it up. But no! My INCOMPETANT DEATH EATERS can't even find a seventeen-year-old child! You'd think it would be easy. After all, England is not that big...oh, okay, yes, it is...but still."

Voldemort pauses and takes a deep breath, as if trying to calm himself.

"Right now, all I want is just one tiny little thing:

-

False Alarms

(To the tune of "Somebody to Love" by Queen)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange & the Death Eater Chorus

-

Voldie: I need a minion who's not completely--

D.E.C.: Daft

-

Voldie: The task I gave them was so simple

Capture Potter and give him to me

But each time they touch the Dark Mark

I fly to them and I see--

-

The Music cuts off.

Rowle: He has escaped, my Lord. Please forgive us!

Voldie: Lord Voldemort is not sure that he will forgive this time.

The music restarts.

-

Voldie: These false alarms are just wasting my time

Lord Voldemort shows no mercy, Oh!

Death Eaters

D.E.C. (echo): Death Eaters

Voldie: Death Eaters

(echo): Death Eaters

(Music cuts off)

-

The music cuts off once again.

Bellatrix: I'm sorry, my Lord, but... they're no longer here.

Voldemort: Say what? Crucio!

The music slowly restarts.

-

Voldie: I need a minion who's not--

completely--

Bellatrix (in high E): Daft

-

Voldemort bows his head momentarily, then asks the audience: "Is that too much to ask?"

The spotlight cuts off. When it focuses back on Voldemort, he is no longer alone; Snape is beside him. The backdrop behind them includes a castle next to a large lake. A clump of trees in the corner of the stage convey the impression of a forest. Snape and Voldemort walk slowly across the stage, following the tree line.

Snape speaks: "I am quite surprised, my Lord. I did not think that your inspection of Hogwarts was scheduled until next week. Had I known, I would have prepared a more congruous welcome."

"I care not for such trivialities. I merely wish to see the progress of the school."

"Of course, my Lord. Would you like to observe a particular class or--"

"I shall join you in the castle shortly. Leave me now."

Snape bows and exits to the left of the stage. Voldemort mutters, "I have work to do...like breaking into a tomb!" He cackles.

Voldemort raises his wand and taps his own bald head. He then flattens himself against one of the trees and begins to inch his way across the stage again. He glances both ways and rolls like a ninja so that he is 'hidden' by the next tree. As he moves, he hums his own theme song, which sounds like a cross between the Mission Impossible theme and the 007 theme. When Voldemort finally reaches the end of the tree line, he stops and looks around, confused.

"Where is it?"

Suddenly, a white tomb is pushed onto the opposite end of the stage. Voldemort catches sight of it and sighs, but makes his way back across the stage furtively, pointing his wand threateningly and occasionally rolling in between trees. When he reaches the foot of the tomb, he raises his wand. The tomb splits open with a flash of light and Voldemort snatches the wand from within with a squeal of excitement. He raises it high...and sings:

-

The Wand is Mine

(To the chorus tune of "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort

-

Voldie: At last I know just where it is

In Dumbledore's grave

Lying just beneath the lid

I bet you didn't think that I would stoop so low

You'd think I'd falter

That just shows what you don't know!

-

Oh yes, it's time

The Wand is mine!

I can feel the power in my blood, the magic start to climb

Now there's no chance for the boy

And his life I will destroy

The Wand is mine... Oh yes, it's mine... Hey, hey!

-

As Voldemort says the last line he raises the wand above his head and gives a triumphant shout as the lights blackout.