Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not own Harry Potter, the characters and all associated names. We also do not own any of the melodies used for the songs - those belong to their credited artist(s). However, the lyrics are completely original, and we are very proud and protective of them. No stealing. We'll find you. Also, reviews are welcome, but keep flames nice... quite honestly, I don't see how you could ever flame a comedy. That's why it's a comedy.

Act II, Scene 3: Turning the Tide

When the lights come up again the set resembles the Headmaster's office of Hogwarts. There is a single, large wooden desk in the centre of the stage surrounded by many bookcases filled with ancient magical volumes and varying whirring instruments. Above the bookcases are the portraits of Headmasters and Headmistresses past, all glaring down at Severus Snape, who is seated calmly in the chair behind the Headmaster's desk, quietly reading the new issue of Witch Weekly.

Everything is silent except for the turning of the pages. Suddenly, there is a loud whooping yell from offstage, and Snape promptly hides his magazine before he is joined by several Death Eaters. As the music starts, Rowle and Yaxley enter, carrying a keg of Butterbeer between them. Fenrir Greyback is blowing on a party favor and doing all the yelling. Lucius carries a banner that reads 'Congratulations, Snapey', and Wormtail trails behind with a large cake featuring a picture of Snape sullenly wearing a pink knitted sweater.

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Snape Killed Dumbledore

(To tune of "Dance to the Music" by Sly & the Family Stone)

Sung by the Death Eater Chorus

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All: Snape killed Dumbledore!

Snape killed Dumbledore!

Lucius: Hey Snape!

Snape: ...what?

-

Lucius: Tell us again how it happened

Wormtail: That night on the lightning struck tower

Snape: No.

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Greyback: I heard the Malfoy boy failed

He was too chicken when it came the hour

-

Lucius glares at Greyback.

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Rowle: Snape stepped in to spare him

Sent the old coot over the wall

Yaxley: Now he's Master's favourite

And he's the favourite of us all!

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Snape: Stop.

All: Snape killed Dumbledore!

Snape killed Dumbledore!

-

The gathered Death Eaters get slightly louder, hoisting Snape up onto their shoulders and twirling him around onstage.

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Snape killed Dumbledore!

Snape killed Dumbledore!

-

The music suddenly stops. Snape is lowered to the stage, then all gathered Death Eaters freeze in a manner as to let Snape take the floor. He looks around briefly, shrugs, and bows towards the audience.

Snape: Thank you. Thank you. Goodnight.

There is a momentary pause as all Death Eaters look puzzled at his lack of joy, but they all shrug it off very quickly and exit the stage repeating the chorus. The lights fade as Harry Potter comes running up the aisle way with a broom in hand. He clambers up onstage, and as the lights come up we see six other Harry Potters standing in a semi-circle. Alastor Moody is pacing back and forth between them, giving last minute instructions.

"...and if one of us should fall, the rest keep on moving, no "ifs, ands, or buts" about it."

Two of the Harrys on the side giggle behind their hands while murmuring "butts... tee-hee!"

"Charming," one of the Harrys says. Moody inspects him closely, then scoffs and turns away.

"Anyhow... the Dark Lord won't be far behind, and I'm sure this place is about swarming with Death Eaters, so we best get a move-on. Let's fly!" The real Harry snorts as the rest look somewhat amused. Moody turns fiercely on them all, shouting, "You think this is funny? You think this is a game?"

"It's just... 'let's fly'? That's the best you can come up with?" another Harry asks.

"Yeah, you could have said something like, 'Let's go' or 'Move out!'" a different Harry pipes up.

"Even, 'Allons-y' would 'ave worked," a thickly French-accented Harry chimes in. By now the real Harry is having a hard time containing his laughter.

"We don't have time for this!" Moody declares. "Accio brooms!" As Moody shouts the command, six brooms shoot out from offstage. All the Harrys and Moody mount and kick off the ground. Several things happen.

A fast-paced Latin beat picks up. Fog fills the stage as several hooded and masked Death Eaters fly out to chase all the Harrys. Hexes and curses --

start to get thrown everywhere, making the stage lights flicker all sorts of colours. Amid all the chaos a wisp of smoke clears and Voldemort can be seen standing centre stage, utterly bewildered and angry all at the same time. He stomps his foot indignantly and starts to sing.

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Chasing Harry

(To the chorus tune of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin)

Sung by the Dark Lord Voldemort

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Voldie: They are planning a decoy

Something to trip me up

They think they are being so coy

Severus has tipped me off

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Oh crap - there are seven Potters

Of that I was unaware

No bother, it doesn't matter

I'll catch them in the air

-

He starts throwing out curses left and right, yet still manages to keep singing. Several times he has to duck to avoid a broom sweep-and-fly.

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I'll search out the true Harry and by my hand he will die

This deed I will take pleasure in - I'll smite him from the sky!

It'll be his last goodbye! Oh yeah!

-

Chasing the Harrys

But how do I know the real one?

Identical to me

How do I know the real one?

I guess I'll kill them all

Just to make sure the act's done

-

As Voldemort points his wand at one of the Harrys he responds by shouting, "Expelliarmus!" and Voldemort's eyes glisten with recognition.

-

Hold up - What was that?

And now I can tell the real one

He's mine!

Now I can kill the real one

Voldemort points his wand at Harry. Harry drops his wand on accident, but the wand reacts on it's own and shoots out gold sparks at Voldemort. The sparks cause Voldie's wand to explode in his hands, and as all the Harrys exit offstage he snatches a wand from one of his hooded Death Eaters.

"Give me that! Charge!" Followed by his loyal minions, Voldemort starts to follow the Order of the Phoenix offstage. However, he runs straight into an invisible barrier and is thrown back a few inches. He looks around at his followers in confusion, then begins banging on the barrier. "No, no, NO! Protective barriers! It's not FAIR!"

The lights dim as Voldemort falls to his knees, vainly pounding on the invisible wall as his Death Eaters stare at him.