Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not own Harry Potter, the characters and all associated names. We also do not own any of the melodies used for the songs - those belong to their credited artist(s). However, the lyrics are completely original, and we are very proud and protective of them. No stealing. We'll find you. Also, reviews are welcome, but keep flames nice.

Act I, Scene 4: First Reign

After his big musical number from the previous scene in which he announced that he has changed his name, Lord Voldemort turns to face the Death Eater Chorus, who are gathered together in an organized jumble. All are wearing long, hooded black cloaks.

"Now that I have a new, ultra-powerful name, Lord Voldemort needs minions to help gain ultra-powerful...power," he muses to no one in particular.

"Well, let's see who is worthy to join my cause," Voldemort says. He strides across the stage to get a closer look at his followers, then commands them to line up army-style: "Atten-hut!"

The Death Eater Chorus forms two lines, with nine in the front row and eight in the second row.

"Sound off!"

One by one, the Death Eaters call out their names (still military-style), starting with Lucius Malfoy in the first row, far right on the stage. Lord Voldemort nods after each name, a look of satisfaction on his face. When the final name is called, Voldemort stands in front of them, preparing to make an empowering speech.

"You have gathered here to join me in my quest for domination. From this day forward, you shall be my Death Eaters. Power is within my--and to a lesser extent--your grasp. I can show you spells and curses beyond your wildest dreams. In return, I ask very little of you. A little Muggle torture here, a killing or two there, maybe your lives and livelihood. But most importantly, I ask for loyalty. I ask for pureblood pride. I ask for your devotion. So tell me...who wishes to join me?"

Lord Voldemort steps to the left side of the stage. Most of the Death Eaters have pulled their hoods up so that their faces cannot be seen, all except for Lucius, Wormtail, Rodolphus, Regulus, Rookwood, Dolohov, Greyback, Snape, and Bellatrix. These nine are in the front row, with the masked Death Eaters in the back.

Wormtail is the shortest of the group, with a pale balding head and nondescript features. Rodolphus, Rookwood, and Dolohov are tall and dark-haired. Regulus, the youngest, is of medium height, with stylish black hair. Greyback stands slightly hunched, animalistic, with scraggly, longish dark hair and long dirty fingernails. Snape can be recognized by his large, hooked nose and curtains of greasy black hair, while Bellatrix's long black hair is luxurious and shining and her dark eyes are hooded. She never takes her eyes off Lord Voldemort, even when the others are singing. All Death Eaters pull their hoods over their faces after each solo. Lucius steps forward first, his white hair luminescent under the stage lights, and begins singing:

-

Death Eaters

(To the tune of "His Cheeseburger" by the Veggie Tales)

Sung by the Death Eater Chorus

---

Lucius: He said to us, "I need some Death Eaters
Loyal guys who will do as I plan"

Wormtail: And I liked the way he was thinking
So I signed up to join in his clan

-

Rodolphus: Hating Mudbloods seemed like so much fun
It was something that I really enjoyed

Regulus: And besides, I am a true Pureblood
It seemed I had no other choice

-

There is a short awkward pause while Regulus pulls his hood up. The other Death Eaters look toward Lord Voldemort, who nods. Regulus is yanked back into the Chorus line.

-

All: We are your Death Eaters, your loyal Death Eaters
Working for You-Know-Who, we work for You-Know-Who
We are your Death Eaters, your awesome Death Eaters
We'll kill for you, and we will kill for you

-

Rookwood: We use all sorts of neat strategies
Spying is the one I employ

Dolohov: There are the Unforgivable Curses
"Crucio" is my favourite new toy!

-

Greyback: Me, I just like to attack them
Children are delicious to bite

Snape: Being a double agent is sexy
No one knows where I stand in the fight

-

Snape pulls his hood up. Voldemort tilts his head to the side as he joins the other Death Eaters, but waves off Snape's suspicious admission. He knows that Snape will always remain loyal.

-

All: We are your Death Eaters, your faithful Death Eaters
Working for You-Know-Who, we work for You-Know-Who
We are your Death Eaters, your chouette Death Eaters
We'll kill for you, and we will kill for you

-

Bellatrix remains the only Death Eater whose face can be seen. She steps toward Lord Voldemort eagerly, clasping her hands in front of her.

-

Bellatrix: Yes we love our Dark Lord with all our hearts
And when it comes to leaving him, we will never part
And after you put the Dark Mark on my arm

---

She brandishes her left arm as her voice climbs in volume.

-

I will lick it every day at the break of dawn
And my deepest darkest wish is to become your Dark Queen;
For no one loves you as I do
Only as I do
Always as I ddddooooo!

-

Bellatrix falls to her knees at Lord Voldemort's feet. There is another awkward pause as all of the Death Eaters stare at her. Lord Voldemort stares at her, too, looking shocked, embarrassed, and slightly freaked out by her intensity. Trying to salvage the moment--and his wife--Rodolphus bows down as well. One by one the rest of the Death Eaters follow suit, until all are bowing down to worship Voldemort.

-

All: We are your Death...Eat...errrrrrrrrrrs

-

A few seconds pass, during which it is clear that Lord Voldemort is thoroughly enjoying being the subject of the Chorus' worship. He has a huge, cold smile on his face. Finally, Voldemort gives the command for them to rise.

"Go and do my bidding." There is a mad dash as the mob exits, during which a masked Death Eater is left on the ground after being trampled by his peers. With much groaning, he pulls himself along the ground until he, too, has exited.

Lord Voldemort makes a big deal about checking that the coast is clear before he says his next words.

"My search for followers is not the only goal that I have set." His voice is soft, almost contemplative. "However, to trust is to err. None shall know about the next stage of my plan...not even my 'Dark Queen,'" he gives a theatrical shudder, then continues.

"If my plan succeeds, then I shall be able to gain immortality. Never again will I have to fear death or defeat, when parts of my soul will remain to bring me back to life." One by one, he places six seemingly ordinary objects around him in a semicircle. There is a simple black leather diary, a large golden locket, a humongous ring with a black stone, a slightly battered bronze-and-blue diadem, and a small golden cup with two handles and a badger engraved on it.

"Seven is the most magically powerful number," he muses quietly, surveying each of the items. "I will work on obtaining one more. But for now, six will have to do. Five murders, five valuable possessions in which to hold pieces of my soul...and the sixth in me!" He pulls out his wand and begins to sing:

-

Tearing My Soul

(To the tune of "Staying Alive" by The Begees)

Sung by Lord Voldemort

-

Voldie: Oh, my greatest goal is to never die
So with this spell I will stay alive
Dark magic is my key
To live for all of eternity

-

Horcruxes, that's my plan
To outlive any mortal man
I do not have a conscience left
This evil act leaves me guiltless

-

Never will I bother to worry 'bout another
I'm tearing my soul, tearing my soul
They will never beat me, they never will defeat me
I'm tearing my soul, tearing my soul
Ah, ha, ha, ha, tearing my soul, tearing my soul
Ah, ha, ha, ha, tearing my soul!

-

As each object is mentioned, a green spotlight hits the object.

-

Well now, my diary, that's the first
Embedded with the Heir of Slytherin's Curse

There's the treasures of my fam'ly link
Slytherin's locket, Marvolo's ring

-

Horcruxes, that's my plan
To outlive any mortal man
I do not have a conscience left
This evil act leaves me guiltless

-

Never will I bother to worry 'bout another
I'm tearing my soul, tearing my soul
They will never beat me, they never will defeat me
I'm tearing my soul, tearing my soul
Ah, ha, ha, ha, tearing my soul, tearing my soul
Ah, ha, ha, ha, tearing my soul!

-

As the last few objects are mentioned the entire stage glows with an eerie green light, making Voldemort look extra scary.

-

Helga's cup and Rowena's crown
Items of the Founder's renowned
Hidden in my "Dark Queen's" vault
The other none can find at all

-

Horcruxes, that's my plan

To outlive any mortal man
I do not have a conscience left
This evil act leaves me guiltless

-

Voldemort's eyes flash scarlet and retain the vivid color.

-

Never will I bother to worry 'bout another
I'm tearing my soul, tearing my soul
They will never beat me, they never will defeat me
I'm tearing my soul, tearing my soul
Ah, ha, ha, ha, tearing my soul, tearing my soul
Ah, ha, ha, ha, tearing my soul!

-

There is an explosion of green and red smoke from the ring of Horcruxes. When the smoke clears, Lord Voldemort's appearance has undergone a massive transformation. He is no longer the handsome, dark-haired Tom Riddle. Lord Voldemort's face now appears stark-white and skeletal. He is garbed in long, flowing black robes, and his eyes are scarlet, with slits for pupils. His entire face looks as if it is a waxy mask, with snakelike features and a flat nose. All of his black hair is gone, and his scalp is just as white as his face.

One by one, Lord Voldemort covertly removes each of his Horcruxes from the stage, as if he is hiding them. When all but the diary and Hufflepuff's cup are gone, Lucius and Bellatrix reenter. They stare at his new look with confusion and awe. He hands the diary to Lucius and the cup to Bellatrix.

"Guard them, or your lives are worth nothing," he commands in a high, cold voice and points them offstage. As they exit, he seems to catch sight of his long, white fingers. He examines them closely, then runs them over his own features, feeling his flat nose and waxy skin. Lord Voldemort conjures a floor-length mirror from midair, which he uses to observe his transformation with curiosity and shock. He looks in the mirror for several seconds before a big, evil smile crosses his face.

-

Woah, I Look Like a Villain

(To the chorus tune of "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain)

Sung by Lord Voldemort

-

Voldie: Woah! I look like a Villain.

(Duhn, duhn, duh dad da, duhn duhn)

Let's go, Death Eaters.

-

The Death Eater Chorus joins him on stage, forming a line and starting to dance the can-can while he sings in the foreground.

-

The best thing about being a villain

Is that I never have to worry 'bout opinions...

---

Woah, oh, oh, I look totally frightening, deadly as lightning

Pale skin, scarily thin

Woah, oh, oh, livid red eyes, icy cold cry

Woah, oh, oh, I have slits for a nose, fully black clothed

Extremely tall and totally bald

Woah, oh, oh, it's the new me, yeah - fill them all with fear

Woah - I look like a villain

-

With one hand, Voldemort beckons to the Death Eaters. They all exit stage right, leaving the mirror in the center of the stage.

Once the last Death Eater has exited, Dumbledore enters from stage left. His hair is no longer auburn, but bright silver. He is dressed in dark purple robes and high-heeled buckled boots. He walks over to the mirror, observing it with interest. He feels all up and down it, along the back, then gazes in it. His eyes brighten with tears for a moment, before he tears them away to read the words engraved across the top.

"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi...'I show not your face but your heart's desire'..." he trails off, then a smile brightens his face.

"Hey! I can use this!"