Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical

Disclaimer: Obviously, we do not own Harry Potter, the characters and all associated names. We also do not own any of the melodies used for the songs - those belong to their credited artist(s). However, the lyrics are completely original, and we are very proud and protective of them. No stealing. We'll find you. Also, reviews are welcome, but keep flames nice.

Act I, Scene 2: Hogwarts

After a grand scene involving upbeat music, dancing, smashing lighting and live owls flying over the audience, the lights come back up on little Tommy, now having taken the more mature name of Tom, sitting at tables with other wizarding children his age. They are all sitting in a classroom setting, two to a table with an extremely large man lecturing at a blackboard. Little Tommy... excuse me, Tom, sits in the front desk, avidly listening to every word that the Professor says.

"...and you'll want to make sure your porcupine quills are cut to the exact same width. Oh, goodness me! Look at the time! Makes sure you finish your essays on boil-cure potions for Monday! Toodle-oo!"

Most of the first years breathe a sigh of relief. It was the last class of the day and they had successfully made it through their first week of school. Many of them collect their things and hurriedly exit the stage, chatting with their friends about the Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor Quidditch match on Saturday.

But not Tom. As a giggling group of girls walks past him, batting their eyelashes, he pointedly ignores them while packing his bag. Once the entire stage is empty he cautiously approaches the teacher.

"Excuse me," he says quietly. The teacher seems not to hear him, so he tries again in a louder voice. "Excuse me, Professor Slughorn."

"Hmph? Yes?" Slughorn asks jovially, turning to face him.

"I was wondering if you could suggest any advanced potions reading material, or if I could be transferred to a higher class."

Slughorn regards Tom with a slightly interested little look. "Your name is Thomas Riddle, correct?"

"Yes sir, but Tom is fine."

"And you are in my house, Slytherin, are you?"

"Yes sir."

"You seem to have a very keen interest in potions, young man."

"Yes sir," Tom replies a third time. He can't quite keep the pride out of his voice when he adds, "I've already finished Magical Drafts and Potions and I am halfway through Asiatic Anti-Venoms."

"Really? Asiatic Anti-Venoms, you say? You know, Thomas--"

"Tom."

"That's really an advanced text. You seem to be very inquisitive when it comes to potions, and all your other studies, I hear. It's not been one week and I've heard you've already levitated a feather in Charms."

"Yes sir. Five minutes into the lesson."

"Really!" Slughorn approaches Tom and rests a hand on his shoulder while leading him to face the audience. As he speaks, a melody starts in the background. "You know Tom, it's a rare thing to find a student as driven as yourself. A rare thing indeed..."

-

Here at Hogwarts

(To the tune of "A Whole New World")

-Sung by Professor Slughorn & Tom Riddle

-

Slughorn: I can teach you the arts

Potions, spells, incantations

The thrill of each new creation

Tell me what you want to learn

-

Transfiguration is swell

Arithmancy, even better

But Potions, that's for the clever

And you seem eager to try

-

Here at Hogwarts

A brand new life you've never seen

Owls soaring high, a ceiling sky

A lake with a giant squid

-

Tom: Here at Hogwarts

Powers I never knew I had

Ghosts in the corridors, and Quidditch scores

The Slug Club seems worth joining

-

Slughorn: The Slug Club is worth joining!

-

Tom: A vast library of books

Knowledge without limitations

Friends to be had in high places

Waiting to yield to my charm

Here at Hogwarts

-

Slughorn: I just know you'll go far

Tom: Opportunity knocking at my door

-

Slughorn: You'll be Prefect and Head Boy

-

Tom: I'm in the top of my class

I'll make this last

And I won't go back to where I was before

Slughorn: Here at Hogwarts

-

Tom: I'm gaining control

-

Slughorn: One day you'll run for Minister

-

Tom: They're following my orders

-

Both: I'll/You'll be a great wizard

You mark my words

One day soon they all will know my/your name

-

Slughorn: Here at Hogwarts (Tom Echoes: Here at Hogwarts)

The place to be (the place to be)

A magic school

-

Tom: A world to rule

-

Both: Just wait and see

-

As the song ends, Slughorn shakes hands with Tom.

"You just wait and see, my boy. You'll do a great many things, I can see it in your eyes. Now tell me more about that dragon heart potion..." He leads Tom offstage, and as the set changes to resemble the huge Hogwarts library several things happen. Tom walks back onstage, a smirk on his face, as he is followed by a few boys.

"Are you really the top student in the school?" one asks.

"I heard Dippet say it himself!" another answers.

"Wow Tom. Not even out of third year yet and you're already taking fifth year potions," the third says with audible awe.

"Yeah, I guess some of us are just smarter that way," Tom says in a very unsmart way. They all exit on the opposite side of the stage.

A few moments later Tom reenters, but it is a new boy who plays him. He no longer looks young with a round face, but he is much taller, with fine features and the same shiny black hair. Time has passed, but he is still followed by the same boys and a few girls. They are all ogling at his shiny new Prefect badge, and the girls are barely containing their admiration.

"Prefect! Oh Tom, how wonderful!" the shortest of the girls says.

"It was obvious he was going to get it," one of the boys quips up.

"Oh Tom, I've been meaning to ask - would you mind terribly on helping me with my Transfiguration essay this Saturday?" a blond girl asks, batting her eyelashes at Tom. He simply smirks and smoothly runs a hand through his hair.

"Sure," Tom says, being a man of few words. All the girls giggle and run offstage as the boys thump him jovially on the back before leaving. Tom smiles after them, but as soon as they leave his smile turns into a scowl as he addresses the audience.

"Foolish children," he says, even though he is barely older than any of them. "All they care about is Hogsmeade weekends and who's snogging whom. None of them even care about their future, or I daresay, their past."

As he speaks he moves about the library, pulling books from the shelves. He selects a table and sits, holding up a book to show the audience. It is labeled Hogwarts: A History.

"I'm probably the only person who will ever read this," he muses to himself as he idly flips a few pages. He holds up the book again, showing the audience a picture of an old wizard that slightly resembles a monkey.

"Salazar Slytherin," he says, his eyes carefully scanning the page as he sets the book down. "One of the Founders of Hogwarts. The greatest Founder, actually. Only wanted Purebloods to attend the school. A grand idea; what a shame it never was used.

"See, unlike the simpletons I call classmates, I decided to do a little research into my family history. After all, I have so much talent it's absurd to think that I could possibly be Muggleborn. Yes, my mother had died in childbirth, and I had never known my father, but there was simply no way I could be a Mudblood."

At this point he stands and places his arms on the table, lowering his chin to stare at the audience in a very disturbing way. His expression is somewhere between a glare and a smirk.

"And what I have found, my friends, is that I, Tom Marvolo Riddle, am not only magical, but perhaps the most magical of all. For my ancestor is none other than the great Salazar Slytherin!" He stops and gives the classic villain cackle, his first of many. It takes him a few moments, but he finally regains his composure, straightens his tie, and clears his throat.

"Forgive me. I am getting ahead of myself. Allow me to explain my tale in further detail so that you may understand what now rightfully lies in store for my future..."

-

The Last Heir of Slytherin

(To the tune of "All Star" by Smashmouth)

Sung by Tom Riddle

-

Tom: When Dumbledore came to the orphanage and told me

That I have magic blood in my veins

I figured that my dad was the one with all the power

After all, mum had died from labor pains

-

'Cause a witch would be stronger and her life would last longer

But in my guess I couldn't be wronger

It turns out she was really the one

That passed this ability down to her son

-

The bloodline from the Gaunt family

Can be traced back to Hogwarts' beginning

The strongest of the Founders four

What wizard could ask for more?

-

Hey now, I'm the last heir, the last heir of Slytherin!

Hey now, 'cause you know there ain't no wizard as driven

This bloodline is pure gold

Coming with a pet that is centuries old

-

Parseltongue, a gift for chatting with serpents

That's how I'll open the Chamber of Secrets

I'll unleash the beast that lies within

Take my rightful place as the next Slytherin

-

Clear out this place for Pureblood rule

Dirty Mudbloods have no place in this school

The Basilisk's stare, strike Muggleborns down

That's what Slytherin planned when the school was found... ed

-

There is an awkward pause as Tom tries to keep the syllables in time with the song. He clears his throat before continuing.

-

Hey now, I'm the last heir, the last heir of Slytherin!

Hey now, 'cause you know there ain't no wizard as driven

This bloodline is pure gold

Coming with a pet that is centuries old

-

The set has changed from the library to an ancient, cavernous tomb. Tom stands in the center in front of a large statue of the wizard from the book. His eyes gleam with a mad delight, complete with dark circles underneath. As he turns to the statue he holds out his hand, the palm turned toward the face of Salazar Slytherin. In a strange language full of hissing and spitting, Tom commands the mouth to open.

An impossibly large snake slithers out, coming to rest at his feet and taking up the length of the stage. Though Tom looks at the snake, it never meets his eyes. Instead, it stares hungrily at the audience.

"Go," Tom commands. "Go and finish Slytherin's work."

The snake slithers offstage, and as it leaves the set changes to a courtyard. There are two benches on either side of the stage facing a large white fountain at centre stage. A few trees and shrubs decorate the area, and the gurgling of the fountain can be heard amidst the laughter and chatting of a few students onstage.

While Tom still has the dark circles, his eyes are back to their soulful, bright gleam. He takes a seat next to the blonde girl on a bench, reading over some parchment with her. She nods every few seconds as if she actually understands what he's saying. A young girl with dark hair and horn-rimmed glasses sits on a bench opposite from the pair, shooting alternating glances of --

sheer adoration and sheer hate between Tom and the blonde girl, respectively. A young Rubeus Hagrid stands at the base of a tree where a partly disgruntled Fawkes looks down at him from a branch. While they all move about in the background, Professors Dumbledore, Dippet, and Merrythought file onstage, stopping a few feet from Tom to speak. He pretends not to listen.

"... I do have a thought", Dumbledore says.

"Let's have it then!" Dippet exclaims. "This is the fourth student Petrified this week alone! Any theory would seem logical right now."

"The Chamber of Secrets -"

"Any theory except that," Dippet interrupts.

"Headmaster, he could be right," Merrythought chimes in. "It is said to hold a monster so ancient and terrible there is no stopping it. The beast is supposed to finish Salazar Slytherin's work, and so far all of the victims have been from... un-Slytheriny backgrounds."

"Eloquently put, Professor Merrythought," Dumbledore agreed.

"If that is so," Dippet says, "then who could have let this beast out?"

Suddenly, all of the present students and staff stand in a chorus line and do a tap dance, complete with windmills and jazz hands.

-

Who Let the Beast Out?

(To the tune of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men)

Sung by the Old Hogwarts Peeps

-

All: Who let the beast out?

Hagrid: Who?

Dumbledore: Who?

Myrtle: Who?

Olive Hornby: Who?

-

All: Who let the beast out?

Tom: Who?

Dippet: Who?

Slughorn: Who?

Professor Merrythought: Who?

-

The set clears and all of the students and staff dance offstage, still repeating their question of who let the beast out? All, that is, except for Tom. He stands and slowly walks over to the side, staring expectantly across the now blank stage. In the distance a blood-curdling scream is heard, followed by many shocked gasps and cries. Tom jumps in the air, shouting, "Yes!" As he lands back on the ground he places his hands on his hips, moving in a square-like dance to the music.

-

First Victim

(To the tune of "Jump on It" by Sir Mix-a-Lot)

Sung by Tom Riddle

-

Tom: You go, Basilisk

You go

You go, Basilisk

You go

-

First victim, first victim, first victim, first victim

-

Attack, Basilisk

Attack

Attack, Basilisk

Attack

-

First victim, first victim, first victim, first victim

-

Stare down, Basilisk

Stare down

Stare down, Basilisk

Stare down

-

First victim, first victim, first victim, first victim

-

She's dead

A Mudblood's dead

She's dead

A Mudblood's Dead

-

First victim, first victim, first victim, first victim

-

Even after the music stops Tom keeps doing the dance with extra enthusiasm. He keeps this up until Dippet and Dumbledore mournfully enter the stage with their heads hung low. Before they look up Tom stops his dance and takes on a somber demeanor. Dippet approaches him, takes one look, and sighs heavily. Dumbledore simply observes Tom.

"A shame. Such a shame..." he mutters.

"Now, now, Armando..." Dumbledore cautions.

"Sorry sir, but what is such a shame?" Tom asks, feigning innocence.

"With all these attacks, and now that poor young girl dead, the school will be closing," Dippet sighs.

"Say what!?" Tom asks, staring at Dippet as if he's lost his Gobstones. Dippet puts a hand on Tom's shoulders and gives a squeeze.

"You're such a brave little boy for keeping cool in these trying times. It is such a shame, Tom. Especially for you. You're such a bright, wholesome, good-natured young fellow and for you not to have a chance at finishing --

school... it just breaks my heart. You've got such potential... I acknowledge your abilities."

Having lost control, Dippet pulls Tom into a very tight hug, squeezing the air out of him. "You're too precious a student to lose to such a tragedy!"

"Awk-ward," Tom sings in his highest tenor note. It's a moment before he starts to struggle, gasping as he says, "Professor... can't... breathe..."

"Armando, I think you're killing young Mr. Riddle," Dumbledore says casually.

"Oh, I'm sorry my boy," Dippet says, releasing Tom from his grip. Tom looks around quickly to make sure no one but Dumbledore saw him get hugged by Dippet, and when he's sure the coast is clear he looks between his Professors with grave seriousness. Young Hagrid creeps to the edge of the stage and bends down looking into the orchestra pit. He keeps making funny faces and little cooing noises, as if he were talking to a baby.

"Sirs--if the person was caught--if it all stopped--"

Dippet leans toward Tom eagerly. "What do you mean? Riddle, do you mean you know something about these attacks?"

Tom backs up quickly, shaking his head. "No, sir."

He crosses the stage, passing near where Dumbledore stands. Dumbledore watches suspiciously as he passes. Tom stops right behind Hagrid.

"Stand aside Hagrid, and let me kill the beast!" Hagrid jumps violently, hurriedly acting as if he had been casually standing around the whole time. "I know YOU'RE THE ONE WHO OPENED THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!"

As Tom shouts the last words, Professors Dippet, Merrythought, Slughorn and Dumbledore rush onstage and over to where they are standing. Dippet immediately expels Hagrid from Hogwarts, snapping his wand over his knee while Tom looks on, cackling and rubbing his hands together evilly. The lighting slowly fades, with a single spotlight centered on Tom's chortling figure.