It's Hard to be Perky when You're a Malfoy

Scary stuff

Lione blames that first day on light-headedness caused by blood loss. But it spurred her on and she made it her mini mission to freak out Snape so much he was too shocked to give detentions. We were happy to help out. So when we had our next potions lesson and someone's cauldron exploded (It honestly wasn't actually us, we just took advantage of it) we were ready for action.

Everyone coughed and tried to wave the smoke away. Snape strode angrily towards Lione and Gregory, looming up at them like an iceberg coming through the fog.

"You two!" he yelled. "I know it was you! You're not getting out of it this time."

"But it couldn't have been us," Gregory said, pleadingly. His eyes were twinkling with mischief.

"Oh yes it could!"

"But if we had done it on purpose we would be ducking and covering under the table," Lione pointed out. "Why would we stay up here to choke if we knew what was coming? And," she continued, barely taking a break to breathe let alone let a word in edgeways. "We couldn't have done it by accident. Look at the way we're sitting. We're slightly turned showing we were discussing important Potions related matters with our friends here. If we were doing any active potions we would be sitting straight either ready to deposit something in the cauldron or relaxing after just having done so. It-" she paused and looked pathetically up at Snape. He was quivering with anger. "Do you want me to get the puppets out?"

He didn't move but his eyebrows shot up in shock. Lee looked enquiringly at Gregory who nodded and we all dived under the table and came up with puppets. I had a teddy bear, Joseph had a squirrel, Gregory had a mouse and Lione had a black cat and a dog. She pushed the dog into Snape's hands and positioned his unresisting arms to the edge of the table.

"Right," she said. "That's you. This is me-"

"Didn't I have the squirrel?" Gregory interrupted.

"What?" said Lee, looking at him angrily.

"I'm sure I had the squirrel," Gregory repeated.

"No," said Joseph. "I have the squirrel. You have the mouse."

"I had the squirrel," cried Gregory, firmly. "I remember having the squirrel."

"Why would you have the squirrel?" Joseph asked.

"Because it's red and I'm red," said Gregory. "I'm certain I picked out the squirrel. I wouldn't want that stupid mouse."

"Well what makes you think I want the stupid mouse?" Joseph protested.

"Aha!" cried Asher, making a grab for the squirrel. "I knew it was mine. Give it back."

"No," cried Starsy, clutching the squirrel to his chest.

"But it's mine! Give it back! Lio! Starsy stole my squirrel!"

"It's not yours it's mine!"

"I chose it, it's mine! It's not my fault if you weren't quick enough and got stuck with the stupid mouse."

"Get off! It's mine! Mine, mine, mine!"

"Lio!"

"Oh for crying out loud," snapped Lione. "Joseph, give the flipping squirrel back. I'm trying to explain something here." She turned back to the staring Snape and smiled. "Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh yes. You were there and we were here..."

And the next day Snape was handing out marked homework when Lione snatched ours out of his hands and ran out, waving them in the air shouting,

"Andre! Andre! I've got the secret documents."

And the next day...

"Mr Weasley can you tell me why I should never allow freeze dried eye of newt come into contact with Chamen's potion of irregularity?"

"I'm not Mr Weasley," said Gregory, lifting a hand to rip off his face revealing mine. "I'm Lucy. Or am I...?"

After that, however, Lione refused to do any more, at least for a while, saying that Snape would be expecting something and it would shock him more if we didn't do anything than if we did. I think she either realised she'd never pass potions at that rate or she'd ran out of ideas. Gregory didn't want to stop and kept coming up with random things that Lione would knock down.

"How about if one of us pretends to see the bat signal and runs out?"

"That's too similar to the Andre one."

"What if we answer every question with a question?"

"We'd just lose points."

"What if we wrote our homework pretending we had a speech impediment?"

"That would give him too much time to think about it."

And of course it always degraded into an argument.

"You never take any of my suggestions!"

"Well they're awful."

"You're not the only one who gets to decide anything around here."

"Of course not. Joseph, any suggestions?"

"Don't pull me into this."

"You always think you're always right. Well you're not. Sometimes you're wrong."

"Sometimes is better than your record."

"I am not always wrong!"

"I didn't say you were."

Thankfully Professor Delacour stopped this particular argument and started the Defence against the Dark Arts lesson. She swept in and placed a box on the table and turned to face us.

"If Miss Davies and Mr Weasley have finished squabbling I'll begin."

Everyone jumped as the box suddenly rocked. Professor Delacour didn't even flinch. Her eyes were scanning our faces.

"Miss Malfoy," she decided. "What are you afraid of?"

I felt my eyes widen in horror. "D-Dementors," I stammered.

She smiled. "Do you know that in the last few years of teaching this subject that is the most practical thing to be scared of that I have heard." I blushed with pride. "Can you believe that someone in my other group was scared of people who make meercat impressions?" Everyone laughed obediently but gasped when the box nearly jumped off the table. Professor Delacour merely pressed it down on the table and continued. "Now in this box is a boggart. Can anyone tell me what a boggart is?" Anya obediently told her that they were shape shifters that morphed into whatever a person was scared of. Everyone looked at each other uneasily. "Good. Now what we have here is Barry the Boggart. You can thank last year's Gryffindors for the name. Lucy, can I borrow you?" I got to my feet and went to the front of the room. "Can everybody else push the tables to the sides to give us some space?"

Lione jumped to her feet. "Everyone out the way!" she waved her wand and sent all the tables flying across the room to rest against the walls.

"Well done, Miss Davies," said Professor Delacour. "Fifteen points for ingenuity. Now the first thing to remember about dealing with boggarts is to face them in a group. They start to get confused about whose greatest fear to turn into and end up being something that no-one's afraid of. The second most important thing to remember is how to defeat them. A boggart can only be defeated with laughter however there is nothing funny about the average boggart. So we have a spell to help us. Everyone reparte; Riddikulus!"

"Riddikulus!"

"Good. Now everyone listen up because you'll be doing this in a minute."

She bent down to talk to me but I was too scared to feel patronised. I cannot state more clearly that I do not like Dementors. I didn't like them then and I don't now. I have good reason not to like them. My Grandfather was killed by them. Not the loopy one, my dad's dad. And not exactly killed, vegefied as Lione once put it, worse than killed. They kissed him, which, I admit, sounds a little bit weird and not at all freaky, but it is. They suck out your soul. I can't even talk about it. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. And I'd like to be able to just say that he was a Death Eater and pass it off like that but no one deserves that. And I know for a fact that the dementors didn't care whether he was good or bad - they'd attack anyone if they could. No wonder Azkaban was taken out of their hands.

"Lucy," said Professor Delacour. "When I let Barry out of his box he is going to morph into a dementor and I want you to cast the spell. Now as you do so, I want you to think of some way to make it funny and the spell will force it into that shape instead." She stood to address the class. "I'll give everyone a moment to think about their greatest fear and a way to make them into something laughable."

I frowned. How on earth do you make a dementor, a dementor, funny? Professor Delacour must have been thinking the same because she bent down and whispered in my ear,

"Make it windy."

I felt my grin spread as an idea popped into my head. Professor Delacour walked over to the box and placed her hands over the opening. She looked at me. I nodded to show I was ready, even though I didn't feel ready at all. She opened it and out came the dementor. Everything went cold and it felt like your worst nightmare. It glided towards me. I felt an empty space grow around me as everyone backed away. I closed my eyes and summoned the mental image Professor Delacour had put in my mind. I smiled, glanced up at the dementor, raised my arm and cast the spell. A wind that no one could feel whipped through the classroom and caught up the dementor's robes revealing a pair of white and red spotted frilly bloomers. Everyone burst out laughing and I backed away as Robert rushed forward. The panicking dementor immediately turned into a huge worm. Robert took a few hesitant steps backwards as if he wasn't completely prepared. But he rallied and cast the spell. The worm seemed to shrink but only in width. It grew in length but started moving irregularly, tying itself in knots, until finally it spelt out 'Go Gryffindor'. Everyone cheered and laughed together and Gregory took the stand. The worm turned into a man dressed in green with a white mask and apron. There were odd liquids on his apron, one of which was definitely blood. Gregory paled visibly as the man held up a large, rusty looking instrument that made whirring noises. He was stuttering as he cast Riddikulus but as he did two pairs of false teeth appeared on the man's hands, clamped on hard. As the man jumped around screaming everyone laughed and Gregory stepped back. Lione was now up front and, as I thought I would, the man turned into a benba. This benba didn't look anything like the ones I had ever seen. This was a benba only in Lee's nightmares. It did look like a squirrel with a scaly beaver tail but it was very large with silver unicorn blood dripping down its front and foam around its mouth. It looked angry. Lee took a deep breath and cast the spell. The benba started moving erratically, a bit like Robert's worm but when its paw started moving up and down everyone realised what it was doing and burst out laughing. It was disco dancing. Anya faced up to it and for her Barry the Boggart did something completely different. He vanished completely. So did the ground all around her. Anya turned her head as if she couldn't bare to look at it but shouted Riddikulus over her shoulder. Fish started to rain from above. There wasn't that much but the crevasse was filled completely and everyone laughed as Anya plucked her way over it. Joseph edged forward. The fish filled ravine vanished and a figure stood in front of him. It was tall and wearing a black cowl with the hood up. There didn't appear to be a face under the hood. It was holding a bag over its shoulder marked 'swag'. Joseph's eyebrows dropped into a glare and he waved his wand with gusto. The figure didn't change much but the robes gained white stripes. From nowhere the music from the old Benny Hill programs started up and the figure ran round in circles. Samuel took a step forward. The thief disappeared and instead an ordinary looking ventriloquist's dummy sat near the box. It turned its head to look at us and everyone took a few steps backwards. Samuel cast the spell and the dummy turned into a small child with a huge nose.

"I'm a real boy!" it cried, its nose getting larger as it did so.

Everyone laughed and the bell rang. Professor Delacour stepped forward. "Okay," she called, putting Barry back into his box but blocking our view so we couldn't see what he had turned into. "I want everyone to write me an essay on the main characteristics of a boggart including where they live, their behaviour in the wild and how you can tell the difference between a boggart and a real thing. Everyone can go." She turned around, the closed box visible behind her. "Lucy, can I talk to you?"

As everyone left Lione shot me an inquiring look. I indicated that I would be all right on my own and she left (and of course as soon as she, Gregory and Joseph got outside they leant against the keyhole so they could listen to what was being said but I pretended not to know that).

"Lucy," Professor Delacour began. "How did you feel about tackling that boggart today?"

I shrugged. "Okay." I sniggered. "It was funny when we saw its bloomers. That was a good idea you had, Professor."

She smiled. "The white bloomers with red spots weren't my idea, Miss Malfoy." She looked thoughtful. "How would you feel about going again?"

"That would be unfair," I pointed out. "No one else got a second go. Laura didn't even get a first."

"Yes but you're different," said Professor Delacour, pacing. "That is your fear is different. In all the years of teaching this subject I have come up against the most ridiculous fears you could imagine. Raisins, mirrors, flowers, misspellings, pencils, Bolsheviks, even having peanut butter stick to the top of your mouth."

"That's disgusting," I agreed.

"But you're scared of dementors," said Professor Delacour. "And a boggart dementor is almost exactly like a real dementor. You see?"

"I don't get it," I said. "What do you want me to do?"

"I'm teaching the sixth and seventh years the patronus spell. Do you know what the patronus spell is?"

I nodded. "It defeats dementors. My mu-" I stopped. Professor Delacour looked at me curiously. "My mum's," I continued, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Was a Lion," I smiled to myself. "She was proud of that. It really annoyed dad. She used to nickname it Aslan."

Professor Delacour smiled. "As I say," she continued. "I've been teaching the sixth and seventh years the patronus spell. The thing is that conjuring a patronus in a nice cosy room is completely different to any situation where you would need it as a defence. It would be too dangerous to bring in a real dementor for them to practice on so we need a replacement." She looked at me meaningfully. I must have looked blank because she continued, "Lucy, I want you to help me with this. Could you come to the classes and face down Barry so that he'll turn into a dementor? Then we let the older students let loose. I'll only ask you to do it for a few lessons and I'm willing to let you off homework for the time being. You can opt out at anytime if you feel scared and if you want to refuse I'll understand."

I thought about it. For some reason it didn't take long. Having seen my worst fear's bloomers I wasn't quite as scared of it as I was before. I reminded myself that that was only because I knew I was facing a boggart, not the real thing. Then I thought that I would only be facing a boggart this time. And there was the decision made, apart from one little addition.

"Okay," I agreed. "But only if we get taught the patronus charm as well, and the no homework thing." I added hurriedly.

"You know," said Professor Delacour. "I only put that in because I knew it would use up your free time and I wanted to allow for that. But," she shrugged. "It's a deal. Now go tell your friends before the door caves in."

I grinned, sneaked over to the door and flung it open. Joseph, Gregory and Lione fell into the room. They got to their feet, smiled awkwardly and ran off. I laughed and followed them. They were arguing again.

"How can you be scared of the dentist?" Lione demanded of Gregory.

"What about you and those harmless benbas?" he retorted.

"It was a benba on a unicorn blood frenzy ac-tu-ally," she replied. "Well worth being scared of," she sniggered. "But please, the dentist?"

"What was up with yours?" Gregory asked Joseph.

"It was death," he replied mildly. "A lot of people are scared of death."

"But he was like a thief or something."

"Well Death is a thief," Joseph argued. "The ultimate thief in actual fact." We stared. "In fact, all bad things in the world come down to stealing."

"No they don't," Gregory countered automatically.

"Yes they do. Murder, rape... stealing, even graffiti."

"How is graffiti stealing? Surely that's giving something. You know... paint."

"You're taking away the nice environment. The dignity of the political poster you've put 'don't' on." Gregory looked blank. "You know. It said vote whoever now it says... don't... vote... Forget about it. The point is that I bet you can't name anything bad that isn't taking something away in some form."

"Babies," Gregory stated immediately.

"Taking away your night's sleep, your patience or your nice clean carpet."

"Well aren't you smug."

"You're just miffed because you know I'm right. You can't think of anything, can you? Ha!"

"Well there's not need to get all snarpy about it. It was just a suggestion! Don't you think I already knew about the dangers? I just thought you were brave enough to SAVE THE SCHOOL! But obviously I was wrong."

"Oh, don't you go there Gregory Weasley. I am far braver than you'll ever be. I come from a family that doesn't exclude people who stand up for themselves! What does snarpy mean?"

"I don't know. I just made it up."

"It's a good word. I like it."

"Good. But let me tell you this, I've heard a thousand tales about your family Lione Davies. I know far more than you'd like the school to know. Miss goodie Gryffindor."

"If you know half of it you'd know that I have a few bullets under my belt. You'd better not cross me. And that includes putting me in life threatening danger!"

"What!" I cried.

Joseph, Lione and Gregory looked at me oddly.

"I just congratulated Starsy on turning the conversation," said Lione, looking nervous. "That's all."

"Oh," I said, trying to look calm. "Sorry. I must have heard you wrong. Er... shall we go to lunch?"