It's Hard to be Perky when You're a Malfoy

Explosions at the Tri-wizard Tournament. Well nearly...

"Hogwarts is proud to present this year's Triwizard tournament."

There were cries of excitement throughout the hall. All those in the know grinned at us clueless ones as we gasped and cried, "Yes!" Dumbledore went into an explanation of what the Triwizard tournament was but I let it wash over me. I knew what it was and I was kicking myself for not figuring it out sooner. It happened every five years and the last one was, unsurprisingly, five years before when my brother was in his second year. Although that year it was at Beauxbatons and students were taken off. If it was at Hogwarts then we'd have loads of pupils visiting us. I looked at Lione who was having a whispered conversation with Gregory about exactly the same thing. I overheard the words 'brains', 'splat', 'woo' and hamburger' and guessed that we'd be having a lot of fun over the next few months.

When Dumbledore had finished he sent everyone off to their dormitories. As Lione and I were leaving we bumped into my brother, Colubra.

"Hello," he said.

I found myself feeling a bit uncomfortable which was odd. He was my brother - I'd never felt uncomfortable around him before. Somehow the summer apart had changed things.

"Hello," I replied.

"Good summer?" he asked.

"I was about to ask you the same thing," I told him.

"I asked first," he pointed out, looking deadly serious.

"It was okay," I said.

"Okay?" he queried.

"Yeah," I continued. "It was fun."

"Right," he said.

"Right," I echoed.

There was an awkward silence.

"I think," said Lione in a stage whisper. "He wants to know if the Weasleys treated you all right." We stared. "I know," she said, smiling. "I'm the queen of subtlety."

Colubra laughed. "Well?" he asked.

"They were great," I told him. "Very nice. We have two new baby cousins, you know. I was there when they were born."

"Hmm," he said.

I knew what was going through his head. Oh no not more Weasleys. Or possibly: They've polluted her mind. Or something like that. Colubra is less forgiving than me. He can't stand any of our Weasley family.

"How about you?" I asked.

"Fine," said Colubra dismissively. "I've got a job for next year."

"Oh right," I said with enthusiasm.

He nodded and there was silence.

"That's it?" I asked.

"Well not all our summers were filled with babies," he answered.

"Mine wasn't," Lee volunteered. "But it was still pretty full."

He looked her up and down. "I can see that." He tipped his head to one side. "And what did you do?"

Lione looked skyward as if searching for divine inspiration. "I taught my dog to do a back flip," she decided.

"How fun for you," he told her. "See you around, Lucy."

We watched him walk away.

"You know," mused Lione. "He's rude but he's still completely cute."

I looked sideways at her. "I didn't need to know that."

***

I slept well that night and woke up the next morning to see the dormitory alive with excitement. After I had changed Lione was the only one left and she was sitting placidly on her bed putting in her earrings. I made a few steps towards the stairs then stopped and looked at her suspiciously.

"Okay," I said. "I give in. What have you done?"

"Whatever do you mean?" she asked, radiating innocence.

Every year we'd been at Hogwarts (Okay so there had only been two but that's not the point) Lione had made it her duty to do one big prank on the first day of term, by herself, the Muggle way. The first year she'd put bars of black face soap in all the bathrooms. The year after she'd put hair dye into all the school's shampoo. She never told us what she was going to do and rarely warned us about it afterwards (again she had only warned me once out of the two years she'd done it but you get where I'm going with this). The first day of term was a day to be extra careful, even if you were Lione's best friend. She was ruthless.

"I'm not kidding," I continued. "What shouldn't I touch?"

She grinned, evilly. "Everything."

At that exact moment there was a bang followed by screams, then more bangs followed by more, louder screams. Lione punched the air and fell backwards onto her bed, kicking her legs and laughing with delight.

"That was perfect!" she cried, sitting up. "I mean could you ask for better timing?" She jumped to her feet laughing. "Come on."

We ran out and down the stairs. About halfway down she stopped me.

"Er," she said, stepping carefully down and over two steps. "You might want to avoid those."

We arrived in the common room, Lione grinning like a lunatic. There were people running everywhere in sheer panic, and purple explosions following them where they went. A girl jumped on a sofa as if for protection only to set off another explosion sending her fleeing. Gregory and Joseph were on the opposite side of the room. Gregory pointed in our direction, placing his hand on the wall as he did, setting off another explosion of purple dust that shocked him so much he jumped into Joseph's arms. Lione and I were almost crying with laughter as Starsy pushed him away. They headed towards us, looking angry.

"Uh oh," said Lee, grabbing my hand. "Let's get out of here."

We dashed out the portrait hole and I was witness to the full extent of Kettle's deed. Students and teachers alike were running everywhere. As we walked calmly (although erratically as I made sure to step exactly where Lee stepped) down to the Great Hall for breakfast we saw Snape stalking through the halls looking furious. As he passed a suit of armour he must have brushed against it because next thing we knew there was another explosion of purple powder which not only made him jump but he cried out like a girl (Not that there's anything wrong with doing anything like a girl; Girls rock! I meant more like a very young girl. And a very... girly girl at that. I'm going to stop digging now...). Lione and I had to run round the nearest corner so we could laugh loudly without risk of detention. We made it to our table in the Great hall but my sides were in serious pain from laughing so much. An angry (and purple) Gregory sat down in front of us.

"Okay," he said. "How did you do it?"

He was joined by an amused Joseph, a seething Robert, a scattered Anya, a shocked Samuel and a worryingly calm Laura. They all looked at us accusingly.

"Don't look at me," I volunteered.

Lione cracked up. "That was brilliant wasn't it!" she cried. "I was thinking of saving that one for our last year but then I thought what if we don't last until our final year? I'd never get to do it. Then I thought that this year was someone's last year and they'd be disappointed if they'd never got this one. Now they think they're special and they'll always remember that it was in their year that Lione Davies pulled off her most spectacular prank, unless I can think of another one of course." We looked up to see a Ravenclaw comforting her friend who was shaking violently. "Although I doubt that I can."

"How did you do it though?" Joseph persisted.

Lione smiled round at her audience. "It's a chemical substance," she told us. "I found it in an old chemistry book." She smiled at our doubtful expressions. "All right, I saw it on an old TV science show and looked it up in an old chemistry book. It's incredibly volatile. When wet, it's safe, but when dry, even the movement of an ant would set it off." She spread her arms as if to indicate the whole of Hogwarts. "I put it everywhere. They'll still be finding it days from now."

"You don't stop at anything," said Anya, smiling as if impressed. "Do you, Lee?"

Lione put her arm against her chest as if swearing a solemn oath. "Not sun nor rain will keep these pranksters from their duty. Don't talk to us about fog, dogs, big green things with teeth and Mrs Cake."

My first lesson was Euphonology, Joseph's Study of Ancient Runes and Lione and Gregory's Arithmancy. Gregory was looking at his timetable and whining.

"I get no time off," he moaned.

"Why not?" Anya asked, grabbing one last slice of toast as we got up to leave.

"He's taking three extra subjects," Lione told her.

"You idiot," she told him.

"You're going to die come OWL time," Robert agreed.

At the stairs we parted ways and Robert, Anya and I went to our classroom. We looked around, stunned. It looked like a chapel. It was dark with stained glass windows. There was a table and a Piano at the front. There were pews, I swear pews, arranged in two lines except the part of the pew where you'd normally put your song books and stuff (I have been in chapels... occasionally. This is a really bad description. Just imagine benches with a shelf on the back... Lione would be so much better at this than me - she's Catholic. Anyhoo) was longer than usual so we could fit our books on it. We could slide along to get to the seats but you couldn't stand up in a hurry without banging your knees. This was something everyone learned when the teacher threw herself into the room screaming,

"On your feet!"

"Oof!"

She stood at the head of the class looking down at us. She had long blond hair down to her waist and a black robe with extra long sleeves and a high collar.

"I like to see respect," she said, in a hushed voice. "You will stand as I enter the room and sit when I tell you."

A boy I recognised as being in Ravenclaw sat down.

"I DID NOT TELL YOU TO SIT DOWN!" the teacher screamed.

He jumped to his feet, vibrating with terror.

"Now," she said in a calm, quiet voice. "You may be seated."

Everyone looked round at each other worriedly.

"SIT!"

We obeyed.

"My name," she continued in a voice so soft we had to lean forward to hear her. "Is Professor Sappho and I shall be teaching you the art of Euphonology. There is a substantial difference between Music and Magic. And I don't just mean two letters." She chuckled. Everyone looked blankly at her. "Er hum. Euphonology aims to link the two together and to do this both must be broken down to the very core of their existence to find that one, perfect, element that brings the two together, bonding as one." As she spoke her hands slid through the air in flowing movements, finally coming together on the word 'bonding'. Suddenly her eyes took on a piercing look. "In more recent centuries," she said, viciously. "It has largely fallen out of favour, mainly because you can't hurt people with it. In fact a large amount of what you will learn in this classroom is ineffective against the majority of people." Suddenly she went back to a quiet voice and gentle body language. "For the art of Euphonology to be effective people must have music in their soul. This is something many neglect when considering this subject. There are many people in the world who believe that they have music in the soul but do not. Others think they do not but do. It is in no way linked to musical ability or fondness for the... higher quality orchestrations. It is simply something that is." She glared at us. "Some of you will have it and some of you won't. That's something you'll just have to face up to." She suddenly came over very practical. "However to have some control over Euphonology it is necessary for you to have some musical talent in at least one area. So, do any of you play an instrument?" Everyone looked at each other. "Anyone?" she growled.

"I play piano," a Ravenclaw boy volunteered.

Sappho pointed at the piano at the front. "There. Play now."

Very carefully the boy got out of his pew and sat at the piano. He then played a quick tune with a flourish. Everyone clapped except Professor Sappho.

"As I said," she continued as he sat down. "There is no need for any of you to be musical geniuses. Just some measure of talent is sufficient. You, boy."

She pointed at Samuel who jumped.

"Me?"

"Yes," she said. "What do you do?"

I half expected him to go into list along the lines of 'Well, ma'am, I breathe, talk, listen, sleep, write, read, walk, run, jump, shrug' etc. But then I'd spent all too much time around Lione.

"I play the drums," he said.

"Drums!" she cried appalled. "How incredibly primitive. Cavemen play drums, boy. Are you a caveman? No. You are a wizard. I cannot believe that there is nothing you can do that is more sophisticated than playing the drums. One does not play the drums. One plays the piano or the viola. One sits behind the abomination that is the drums and taps it with sticks. I would be ashamed to pass a Euphonology student so crude as to play the drums." She waved her wand and a drum kit appeared at the front of the class. "Very well," she continued. "Let us see what you can do with this... instrument."

Samuel went to the front of the classroom and picked up the sticks. He then launched into an amazing drum solo ending with a clash of symbols. Everyone cheered. Samuel got to his feet and bowed. Professor Sappho sniffed and made the drums disappear.

"I will not have such a disagreeable class!" she cried. "How can you cheer this boy? How can you encourage such an act! None of you appreciate the fine art to which I have dedicated my life. NONE OF YOU!" she flounced out of the classroom. "Next time, bring your own instruments and I hope to vastly improve on this pathetic performance."

She slammed the door. I looked at Anya who was stifling back laughter.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

She looked at her watch, unable to wipe the smirk off her face. "Go to Potions I guess," she replied.

Samuel walked over. "And I need to get my drum kit here," he said.

Anya shook her head. "Impossible. That thing's got to be huge."

"It is. Got an owl I can borrow?"

We took our time getting to Potions, since we'd got out early, but Lione, Gregory and Joseph were already there when we arrived. Joseph was smirking almost as much as Anya, Gregory was looking sort of sheepish and Lee was leaning against the wall calmly sucking a lollypop.

"How was Arithmancy?" I asked after recounting what had happened in Euphonology.

Joseph sniggered.

"What?" I asked.

Gregory snorted.

"Fine," I said. "Why the lollypop?" I asked Lione. She didn't say anything but showed it to me. I felt myself take an involuntary step backwards. "Why have you got a blood flavoured lollypop?" I asked, horrified.

"It's a real bloodsicle actually," she said, glaring at Gregory.

"But you only get those through prescription," I said.

Joseph literally giggled.

"I knew Arithmancy was trouble," Gregory muttered.

"Only when you're there," Starsy replied.

I must have looked utterly confused so Lione remarked, "It's a long story."

Snape came stalking along and let us all in. He immediately turned on Lione, his cloak flying dramatically as he did so, and asked,

"Why do you bring sweets into my classroom, Miss Davies? Did you not have enough to eat this morning?"

Lione stuck out her tongue.

"Five points from Gryffindor for that lewd gesture," he said. "And another five for thinking that bloodsicles are 'cool'."

Joseph snorted and raised his hand to his mouth to try and stop himself from bursting out laughing. Snape transferred his glare onto him.

"And don't think I didn't hear that Mr Bower. Five more points from Gryffindor. My, we're not doing well so far are we? Let's hope your other housemates have enough respect for their teachers to counteract your losses."

"I don't have it because I think it's cool," Lione countered.

He turned back to her. She had her elbow rested against the table, her bloodsicle held lazily in the hand she was resting against. She looked like a flapper holding a cigarette in an old American film. She had one eyebrow raised and didn't look the least scared.

She gave the lollypop a curious glance. "Although I must admit it does taste quite nice." She looked back at Professor Snape who was desperately trying to look composed. "It's a long story," she explained.

"Pray," he said, between clenched teeth (although it could easily have been 'prey'), "tell."

"Well," she started with a shrug. "I was in Arithmancy when I got a paper cut. It wasn't even worth putting a plaster on, let alone going to Madam Pomfrey so I just wrapped it in a tissue and moved on. However genius here," she indicated Gregory with a flick of her head. "Who is going to die come OWL time by the way, decided it was the perfect moment to try out his healing magic. So he casts this spell that was supposed to stop the very minor bleeding and it goes wrong. The blood is dripping out at a slow but steady rate and what was nothing is now very much something. By the time we got to the hospital wing the towel I'd wrapped my hand in was completely soaked. Madam Pomfrey fixed me up and prescribed rest and bloodsicles."

Snape opened his mouth. Lione's hand snapped out and revealed a piece of paper with writing and Madam Pomfrey's signature on it. He opened his mouth again and she held out a wad of lollypops.

"Do you want one?" she asked. He stared at her, finally stumped. Seeing his expression she shrugged and turned around to the rest of the class. "Anyone?"

I could have stood up and cheered.