It's Hard to be Perky when You're a Malfoy

Durmstrung and Beaxbatons

As the weeks went by so did the Euphonology lessons, although we didn't seem to be learning very much. Samuel borrowed every owl he could get his hands on and had his drum kit flown in. It was at that point that Professor McGonagall decided to have the Gryffindor common room soundproofed. It also gave Melanie the idea of starting up a band with her as lead singer, Lione as lead guitar and, of course, Samuel on drums. They could be the Gryffindor band, Melanie said, although she'd have to think of a snazzier name. Her efforts were hampered, however, by the fact that Lione and Samuel flatly refused to join it. But she refused to give up reasoning that they'd come round eventually. I had my Muggle studies lesson. As Laura predicted I was the only Gryffindor there with one other Ravenclaw and almost all the Hufflepuffs (minus the muggleborn ones of course). It was slightly disturbing when on the first day the Ravenclaw (who I actually recognised from my Euphonology class) introduced himself and started acting very friendly but looked alarmed and stopped talking to me once he found out my name was 'Malfoy'. Despite that the class was really fun. It was really interesting learning about electricity and telephones. It is so cute how Muggles think history went. Professor Bones told us the really funny story about Anne Boleyn, to think they actually managed to get hold of a witch only to lose her at the last minute. And that they managed to cover it up for hundreds of years! And that there was a witch queen on the throne (although not for the first time. And recent opinion is that due to the illnesses she suffered through her life Elizabeth was basically a squib and the whole Spanish Armada storm spell theory is just nonsense) keeping the secret all that time. No wonder she hid her son.

As the day the students from the other schools would join us got closer Gregory started getting more and more miserable. Since he found out only people aged fourteen and above could enter the tri-wizard tournament he decided that he didn't give two hoots about it anyway and would rather have quidditch. He also spent hours complaining that the next time the tri-wizard tournament came along in five years time he would have left and it was unfair he missed out by a couple of months. They should let the whole of the third years enter, not just those lucky enough to turn fourteen by Halloween. Worryingly this turned all his enthusiasm on to me. My birthday is 12^th October so of our group I was the only one old enough to try for the tournament. He kept nagging at me to have a go and if I expressed even the tiniest bit of reluctance he would go mad and launch into a long, boring and repetitive rant (which I nearly knew off by heart by the end of it) about how I had a rare opportunity and I shouldn't throw away what had been bestowed on me and not onto more worthy people (he actually used the words 'bestowed' and 'more worthy'). That it was a privilege and it would be a crime for me not to enter. At which point Lione and Joseph would usually pounce on him shouting,

"Shut up! Shut up! For Merlin's sake will you please shut up?!"

Not much happened in the weeks leading up to the arrival. Everyone seemed to be waiting. We were definitely waiting, saving up the tricks for when the foreign pupils could be got. Professor Delacour said she was putting off the patronus lessons until after Christmas (which meant I was stuck with homework) and Frank (a.k.a. Professor Dee but we stopped calling him that (and, in fact, taking him seriously) when we found out he was a prankster in the old days) called off all card games for the meanwhile which particularly annoyed me because I was so fond of the talking dogs we play against. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath. Everyone, that is, except the cleaning staff. The place was spotless! Every corridor was swept, every suit of armour was polished and for some reason the giant squid was seen sporting a top hat. To this day I have no idea how he got hold of it and Gregory and Lione seemed just as confused as me.

As the day got closer the teachers got stressed. It was almost as if an inspection was coming up, not just a competition. They would nearly scream if you slipped up and if you got something obvious wrong they would look as if they wanted to shake you. Lione and Gregory found this very funny and would watch out to see a teacher trip, or drop something, or get their notes muddled and cry,

"Professor! How could you? In a week's time Hogwarts will be under the gaze of the international community and we want a good report. I hope you're better organised then or I don't know what they'll think!"

But only if it was a nice teacher, so they wouldn't get into too much trouble. Gregory made the mistake and tried it on Snape and nearly got blasted for it. Luckily for him there were too many people around so he only got three days of detention (it probably would have been a week but that would mean overlapping the arrival of the foreign students and too many people in detentions then would give a bad impression).

Finally the day arrived and we were all lined up outside to await their arrival.

"I wonder how they're getting here," I asked.

"Bet it'll be some new, fancy way," muttered Gregory. "Show offs."

"And we don't show off?" said Lione.

"We wouldn't sink to their level," he replied haughtily.

"And the fact that five years ago Hogwarts went to Beaubaxbans in a Tardis says, what?"

"Really?" he asked. "The Tardis?"

"A joke they did not get, apparently."

"My brother told me it even disappeared the right way," I said. "Dumbledore really likes stuff like that, doesn't he?"

"He's crackers," Gregory agreed.

"I hope they don't steal his idea," said Joseph. "I mean you can't get cooler than the Tardis."

"Total geek," said Gregory.

Joseph nodded solemnly. "Live long and prosper."

Gregory looked flummoxed. So did I. "What?" we chorused.

Lione and Joseph stared at us. "How can you not know that?" they asked.

"I don't even watch it and I know it," Lee added.

"You don't?" said Joseph.

"No," she replied. "I'm really more of a Babylon 5 kind of girl."

"Oh that's just Lord of the Rings in space."

"Oh my gosh! I thought I was the only one who got that!"

"No! It is so obvious. I mean the Mimbari are clearly-"

"Elves," they chorused then burst out laughing.

"Edge away," Gregory muttered in my ear.

"Oh come on." Lione turned to us. "How can you not get that?"

"By not watching it," Gregory answered, correctly, "or by not reading Lord of the Rings."

"I suppose you've only read the Hobbit," said Lione, dismissively.

"No."

We all stared. "There's something wrong with you."

"You four," Professor McGonagall, Transfiguration teacher, Deputy Head and head of Gryffindor house, stepped in front of us. "Will you behave?"

Lione leaned over to whisper in my ear. "How do I answer that?"

"I think it's an order," I replied.

"Does she seriously expect us to obey it? Us?"

"I want to know now," McGonagall continued. "If you have anything planned."

Lione and Gregory looked at each other. "One moment."

We all crowded round in a huddle.

"Do we have anything planned?" Lee whispered.

I giggled.

"I don't think so," said Joseph. "But I could be wrong. Asher?"

"I think Air-Jet might have something, she's giggling."

I covered my mouth to stop myself and shook my head.

"So no one's got anything planned? Okay, break." Lione turned to Professor McGonagall. "No."

I snorted, finding it harder and harder to keep myself from laughing.

"No tricks?" McGonagall pressed. "No jokes? No pranks?"

Gregory and Lione looked at each other again and we got back into our huddle.

"Any pranks, Asher," Lee began.

"Nope, nor tricks."

"How about jokes?" Joseph asked.

"Er..." Gregory appeared to think about it. "No, I don't think so. At least none I can remember. You?"

"No jokes, no. Kettle?"

"What was the question again?"

"Have you got any jokes planned?"

"No."

"Pranks?"

"No."

"Jests?"

"She didn't ask jests," said Gregory.

"Didn't she?"

"No."

"Does that mean we're allowed to do them?"

"Hang on, I'll ask." Lione turned back to McGonagall. "Are jests allowed?"

"No," she replied, frowning.

"Okay, fair enough." Lee got back into the huddle. "Jests are banned."

"Good thing we didn't plan any, isn't it?"

"How about you, Air Jet, any jokes, pranks or jests?"

"Tricks."

"Sorry, tricks."

"Hold on," I said. "Kettle hasn't answered if she's got any tricks and Starsy hasn't answered for tricks or pranks."

"Good point. Kettle, tricks?"

"Nope."

"Starsy, tricks or pranks?"

"Pranks please."

"You've got a prank planned?"

"Oh, sorry, misunderstood the question. Pranks, no, tricks... er... no. No I haven't. Air Jet, anything?"

I gave it great thought. "I don't think so. Does the elephant joke count?"

"That's a jest, isn't it?"

"No, it's a joke; hence 'the elephant joke'."

"Good point."

"But not as good as this one."

"Put your finger down."

"So we're all agreed. None of us has any jokes, pranks or tricks planned."

"Or jests."

"Or jests."

"What about funny business?"

"Ah, now that's a whole other issue. But we'd need coffee to sort that one out so we'd better not get into that right now. So we've got nothing planned?"

"No."

We broke from the huddle and Lione turned to McGonagall and said, "No."

"No water balloons," McGonagall continued, unrelenting. "No stink bombs, no fireworks, no swamps, no whoopee cushions, nothing in the food-"

Lione held her hand up to stop her, "Ma'am, now you're just giving us ideas."

McGonagall grunted, obviously unsatisfied and walked away.

Lione leaned over to whisper in my ear again. "Do we really have nothing planned?"

"Yes," I replied. "I mean no. I mean we don't have anything planned."

"Hmm... Maybe we should have planned something."

We stood around for a while. Everyone was getting restless.

"When are they going to arrive!" a Slytherin whined.

"They're both trying to not be the first one to arrive," said Melanie knowingly. "Both are trying to be fashionably late and to be truly fashionably late they must arrive last. So neither is willing to show up because neither wants to beat the other."

Everyone looked at each other, trying to decipher what she said.

"Up there!"

Someone had shouted out and was pointing upwards. Everyone looked up. There, straight above us, was a dark circle against a cloud and it was getting bigger. It was something very large dropping like a bomb. I wasn't the only one to notice that. Suddenly everyone was screaming and scattering in all directions. Gregory was running around like a headless chicken screaming,

"We're being attacked! World war twelve! The Americans! The Americans are attacking."

I was all for running for my life but Kettle and Starsy were stock still staring upwards. Joseph's lips were moving rapidly as if he was talking under his breath. Lee just had a puzzled expression on her face.

"Get back into line and calm down!" Snape roared.

A lot of people stopped running and screaming only to look at him as if he was mad. Get back into line? This... thing was thundering straight towards us. We had to take cover, put our heads between our knees, all the stuff you were supposed to do when something large is dropping down on you like a stone. Lione, brow furrowed in concentration, suddenly smiled. Joseph laughed. They looked at each other and exchanged a few words I couldn't hear over the screaming and looked back up. A few other people were laughing as well, sounding relieved. Everyone else, myself included, were so shocked by their behaviour we calmed down enough to look upwards. There was utter silence except a low whistling sound. The thing was closer now and clearer. It was multicoloured and spinning.

"It's a spinning top," I cried. "An actual giant spinning top."

"Not the Americans?" Gregory queried.

"No," half the school (including a couple of staff) chorused.

The teachers took advantage of the sudden calm to herd everyone back into their lines. Just as we had got ourselves organised the spinning top landed. It didn't thump or crash or explode or do anything we expected it to do. It bounced. It touched down a few feet away from the front line of first years and took off again. Then landed and bounced. The spinning gradually slowed until finally the whole thing stopped dead. It didn't roll on its side like real small spinning tops but stayed completely upright. A rectangular panel in the side opened up and dropped to the floor like a gangplank. A huge woman walked down it. There were a few gasps but not many. She was clearly half-giant and with Hagrid, our very own half-giant, everyone was used to it. But even experience of Hagrid didn't stop her being the most imposing looking woman I have every seen. She was dressed in long Onyx robes. I know it sounds really silly to describe them as Onyx instead of just 'black' but it seemed appropriate. It was impossible to describe her in anything but the grandest of terms. Round her neck was a ginormous pearly necklace and on her hand was the largest diamond ring I have ever seen. As she reached ground level Dumbledore started to clap. Everyone else obediently joined in. The woman beamed. Dumbledore walked forward. The woman offered him her hand and he kissed it.

"Dumbly-dorr," she said in a deep, rich voice. "It 'as been too long."

"Madame Maxime," he replied. "I quite agree."

"'As Aranov arrived yet?"

"No, not yet."

She looked disappointed. I saw Melanie smile knowingly but I had a feeling Madame Maxime was concerned about something other than fashion.

"Perhaps it would be good to move my spinning top first before we go inside to get warm," she advised. "In case Aranov wants to arrive ze same way as last time."

"Madame Maxime," warned Dumbledore. "Do not judge a man on a single incident."

"'E destroyed one of my towers, Dumbly-dorr! I want to judge!"

"I am sure that will not happen this time."

Madam Maxime didn't look convinced. Another party was moving forwards. First was Hagrid dressed in a huge vomit orange suit. Madame Maxime looked delighted to see him.

"Rubius!" she cried, taking his tennis racket large hands and kissing him on each cheek.

"Olympé," he responded, blushing.

They shared a look and Lione turned to me smiling excitedly. Another character was taking the stand. Professor Delacour was looking than she ever had before. Her silver hair was flowing freely down her back and she was wearing ruby red robes that appeared to be made entirely out of silk.

"Madame Maxime," she said smiling up at the gigantic woman.

"Fleur!" Madame Maxime took our Defence against the Dark Arts teacher in her arms and kissed her on each cheek. "You are looking so well! I should never 'ave allowed Dumbly-dorr to steal you away from me."

Professor Delacour blushed. "It's good to see you."

"O!" Madame Maxime gave a little screamlet, although from a woman her size it sounded more like a full scream. "You 'ave an Eenglish accent as well!"

Delacour replied in French and Madame Maxime responded and they were off in a stream of rapid language. Joseph leaned over to talk to us.

"Do you understand any of that?"

Lione and I shook our heads. Gregory frowned.

"They're speaking too fast," he complained. "Something about cups and they mentioned all kinds of foods. I think they're talking about the feast."

We stared. "You speak French?"

"A little. Why?" he added smugly. "Don't you?"

Madam Maxime and Professor Delacour walked into the school arm in arm followed by a trail of teenagers, none of whom looked any younger than sixteen and all of whom were dressed in very thin looking pale robes. Everyone stood in silence waiting for Durmstrung. Occasionally someone would shuffle their feet. Suddenly a wind came up sending my hair flying everywhere. The whole sky went black. It looked as though a storm was coming. Suddenly, from the sky, a tornado descended but as quickly as it came it vanished again. There instead stood dozens of dizzy looking students and a man who looked exactly like Willy Wonka. He was tall, but the sort of tallness that made it look like his legs had been stretched rather than his body being longer than normal tall people. He had curly brown hair and long purple robes. I couldn't see his face because he was covering it with his arms, one of which was holding a wand and the other of which was clutching a tall, pointed, purple hast as if his life depended on it. He looked up and started at the sight of all of us as if not expecting to see us there. His friendly face broke into a wide grin and he jumped into the air and literally clicked his heels.

"Vahoo! It vorked!"

"Well done Professor Aranov!" called Dumbledore, clapping. "Much improved on five years ago."

"Thank you, Dumbledore," Aranov replied.

"You didn't injure a single student," Dumbledore continued.

"No," affirmed Aranov proudly.

"Unlike last year, where two ended up halfway through trees if I recall."

"None this time!" Aranov said, cheerfully.

I smiled. No wonder the students were looking so relieved. They were chatting amongst themselves and looking around at the grounds curiously. I suddenly noticed the astonished look on Joseph's face. He was staring at the pupils looking surprised, horrified and angry. Melanie was looking in the same direction looking absolutely thrilled. Both of them cried out in a chorus of surprise,

"Jack!"