Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

This Episode featuring The Malfoy Family!

(Cheesy fanfare, punctuated by a yell of "Crucio!")

Salazar: Welcome to Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All! I'm Salazar Slytherin...

Severus: And I'm Severus Snape...

Salazar: And boy, do we have a show for you today. Three guests will be coming...

Severus: Er, Salazar?

Salazar: What?

Severus: Well...er...actually, it's four guests. For some reason Bellatrix Lestrange insisted on coming too.

Salazar: Oh, right. Well, four guests, then. But not to worry if you didn't send questions in for Miss Lestrange, we're considering having her on the show in the future. At any rate, give it up for the Malfoys! Straight from Azkaban and looking great despite that, Lucius!

(Lucius walks in to the sound of "I'm too sexy for my hat")

Salazar: How are you, Lucius?

Lucius: I'm doing fine, man. I've had an...awakening.

Salazar: Er...right. Well, in the meantime, put your hands together for the sexy, the desperate, the motherly Narcissa!

(Narcissa walks in to the sound of "Devil Woman")

Severus: How are you, Narcissa?

Narcissa: I'm f--

(Suddenly, there's a loud crash from offstage and Bellatrix Lestrange rushes in, looking bedraggled and upset. She dashes over to Severus and grabs him by the throat.)

Severus: ARGH! Let me go, Bellatrix!

Bellatrix: HOW COULD YOU!? YOU STOLE MY PRECIOUS VOLDIEKINS FROM ME!!!!!

Severus: I really don't think he'd like you calling him th--

Bellarix: HE USED TO ONLY LET ME CALL HIM VOLDIEKINS, SNAPE, AND NOW YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!

Severus: Look, I really...you're hurting...I...Salazar!

Salazar: What? Oh, sorry. Expelliarmus!

(There's a loud crack and Bellatrix is thrown backwards. Salazar indicates her with a dramatic flourish)

Salazar: And, of course, Narcissa's lovely...(sees Bellatrix's bedraggled appearance)...er...lovely sister, Bellatrix!

(No fanfare. Bellatrix spits at Severus.)

Salazar: And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for...put your hands together for the dastardly, the dashing, the desperately delicious (and very alliterative) Draco Malfoy!

(There's a slight pause and then Draco prances onstage as "It's Raining Men" plays. He is wearing rainbow-colored robes with a pink dark mark on them.)

Salazar: How are you, Draco?

Draco: Fabulous!

Salazar: Good...er...I think.

Draco: You look fabulous yourself...(sigh) Sally...

Severus: Draco! No flirting with your house founder!

Draco: You just want him all to yourself, Severus! Don't be so selfish!

Severus: Petrificus totalus!

Salazar: Something you're not telling me, Severus?

Severus: Shut up, Sally.

Salazar: Then unfreeze him.

Severus: But...oh, fine. Finite.

Draco: You messed up my hair, meanie!

Salazar: Anyway...time to go to questions from our listeners. Let's begin.

Q for Lucius: What's with the Legolas hair? Trying to express some love for the elf, or just a display of your femininity?

A: My femininity? I beg your pardon?! You must be talking about my son! (Severus interjects: Oh come on, Lucius, don't pretend genetics had nothing to do with it. I've seen you giving the Dark Lord looks.) Severus, you may be more powerful than I, smarter than I and more sarcastic than I, but I'm...er...richer than you! (Severus interjects: Great. What are you going to do, throw galleons at me?) Oh, the hell with you. Anyway, getting back to the question, I do not have love for elves and I most certainly am not feminine. (Severus interjects: Do you mean to tell me what that House Elf Dobby has been telling the Hogwarts elves about you touching him where his pillowcase didn't fit...) LIES! LIES! DOBBY WAS MY SERVANT! HE SERVICED ME! I MEAN SERVED ME! LIES!

Q for Draco: Is it true that you are actually a good, kind, warm-hearted person after all? I mean, you couldn't kill Dumbledore...

A: Is this person male? (Severus interjects: Why does it matter?) Well...if they are, then...I'm whatever you want me to be, baby. Come over and I'll show you my wand. (Severus interjects: Fine, if you're going to be disgusting I'll answer the question for you. Draco here couldn't kill Dumbledore because he was too busy admiring his abs...) Oh, baby...why did you have to kill him, Professor? (Severus interjects: I think more people than just you would like to know the answer to that question, Draco. Anyways, to answer the main point of the question, no, he's not a good, kind, warm-hearted person. He's just too much of a pansy to kill anyone.) Why do you have to be so mean, Professor? Where is the love? (Severus interjects: The same place you keep trying to touch when I'm asleep.) Oooh...you halfblood stud, you! (Severus interjects: Is there such a thing as a reverse pedophile?)

Q for Draco: WE THINK TOM FELTON IS SO HAWT!!

A: I think so too. Ooh...he gets all the magic so RIGHT! Yeah! (Lucius interjects: You idiot, it's all about Jason Isaacs.) No...he's too OLD. (Lucius interjects: What's wrong with older men?!) Nothing, Dad...I just get enough of them with YOU around. (Severus interjects: Someone give me a pair of earplugs.)

Q for Salazar: Did you know that Harry Potter described your face as 'monkey-like' when he went into the Chamber of Secrets, and saw that statue of you?

A: Yeah, I get that a lot. Comes from my mother's side, but what do you expect? Her surname was "Kong."

Q for Lucius: What kind of shampoo do you use?

A: Shampoo? Shampoo is for muggles! (Severus interjects: Amen to that!) Severus, you wouldn't use it even if it WERE for Wizards. (Severus interjects: I object to that!) If you don't mind, this is my question. Anyway, I keep my hair clean through magic. Of course, I can't do that in Azkaban. (Severus interjects: Speaking of, how is it in there?) Well, you know how Draco's gay? (Draco interjects: Oh yeah!) Silence, Draco. (Severus interjects: Yeah, I know.) Well, you'd never know it, but a lot of male death eaters are too. That, or prison just does strange things to a man. (Severus interjects: Thank you, I didn't need those images.)

Q for Narcissa: Why do you always look like you smell a pile of dung nearby?

A: Oh, finally the sexists in the audience ask ME a question. (Severus interjects: We are not sexist!) Right, sure. (Lucius interjects: Bitch, make me a sandwich.) I rest my case. Anyway, to answer that question, the reason I always look like I smell a pile of dung is because...have you ever smelled Lucius' cologne...I mean REALLY smelt it? (Severus interjects: Ouch...you got burned, Lucy.) (Lucius interjects: Shut up, Snape. My wife's just being a bitch.) (Severus interjects: I'll say. You see, unlike my vow to kill Dumbledore, marriage vows are VERY breakable, Lucius.) Shut up, Severus! (Bellatrix interjects: Narcissa, you whore!)

Q for Draco: Did you join the death eaters because Gladrags didn't let you model for them?

A: No! Ohmygod, Gladrags is SOOOO last year! (Severus interjects: You mean that's NOT a Gladrags thong you're wearing right now?) WHAT?! How did you know about my thong? (Severus interjects: It's sticking out of your jeans, Draco. Most unattractive.) Whoops...guess I wasn't careful enough putting that on today. You wanna see what's under my jeans, Professor? (Severus interjects: No, and neither does anyone else, so put that button back where it belongs.)

Q for Draco: Is it true that you have a bunny named Draco Lucius Malfoy III?

A: Of course not! Its name is Draco Luscious Malfoy III, thank you very much.

Q for Lucius: Did you really think that Gladrags would let you model for them when you have hair that is stuck in the 70's? That is so sad...

A: My hair is NOT stuck in the 70's! (Severus interjects: Actually, yes...yes it is.) Hey, don't look at me, Severus, YOU'RE the one who tried to persuade the Dark Lord to get a mullet. (Severus interjects: It was a joke!) Suuure it was...(Draco interjects: What's wrong with mullets?!) Shut up, Draco.

Q for Lucius: Is it true that you considering a career on SNL doing mock skits from Lord of the Rings? Or was it that you were considering a contract from various *cough*porn magazines...

A: PORN MAGAZINES?! I have never sunk so low as to flaunt myself in magazines which even filthy mudbloods can read! (Severus interjects: But the ones that only purebloods can read...yeah, those he definitely works in.) You liar, Severus. (Severus interjects: You were never much of an occlumens, Lucius. I know about that photoshoot you did for "Pureboy Magazine: Dead Sexy Death Eat--) Alright, alright! It was a fling! I haven't done any sexual photo shoots since then! (Narcissa interjects: You say sexual photo shoots like it's a bad thing, Lucius.) Narcissa, please...for the sake of dignity...(Bellatrix interjects: Dignity! Ha! It was only because she, I and Andromeda did that "Black Threesome" photoshoot that you even paid attention to Narcissa!) Stay out of this, Bellatrix.

Q for Narcissa: What made you marry Lucius? Was it his resemblance to a certain elf, or the fact that his femininity surpassed yours, making it so you didn't necessarily have to be the woman of the house?

A: My husband is NOT an elf! And for your information, his "femininity" was what attracted me to him in the first place...such a sensitive man...(Severus interjects: Yeah, there's just that little thing he has for murdering people...) Shut up, Severus. That only shows how big, masculine and strong he is. (Severus interjects: Big, masculine and strong? Come on, you did it for sex, didn't you?) Well...maybe just...just a...just a little...but come on, LOOK at him! Wouldn't YOU want to have sex with him? (Bellatrix interjects: No, actually.) (Severus interjects: No.) (Salazar interjects: Hell no!) (Draco interjects: Oh, YES!) DRACO!

Qs for Draco: So, Draco, what is happening with you and Harry? You are always making fun of him. Are you just flirting? Or is there something else, such as rejection? Tell the truth!

A: Potter's a bitch. I try to loosen him up and maybe get him to see that all those heterosexual Gryffindors he hangs out around aren't GOOD enough for him, but oh no! He has to ruin all that sexiness he has for...(Bellatrix interjects: ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY NEPHEW?!!) Er...I mean...er...Grr...I hate Potter...yeah, I really hate...I...(Bellatrix interjects: Specialis reveleo!) SHIT! (There's a squelching noise and collective gasps.) (Severus interjects: RON WEASLEY?!) That's right, you arsehole, it's me! Whassa matter? Too tired from killing Dumbledore to notice it was me? Not that I'd be surprised if Malfoy were gay...(Lucius interjects: WHERE IS MY SON?!) Well, if you really want to know...(Severus interjects: Weasley, take your hand out of your pants right n--oh, shit, there's a ferret down there.) (Narcissa interjects: DRACO?! Finite!) (Draco Malfoy explodes out of Ron's pants, causing Ron to squeal and try to cover himself.) (Draco interjects: Oh, thank goodness you figured it out. I kept trying to bite Weasley's crotch, but I missed! (Severus interjects: That boy must be really badly endowed.) (Ron interjects: Shut up, Snape!) (Narcissa interjects: You turned my son into a ferret and stuffed him down your pants and then you pretended to be him so you could mock him on this show?! You little shit! Crucio!) (Ron interjects: OWWWWW!!!!) (Salazar interjects: Well, I guess with that happening, we might as well just stop the show right here.) (Severus interjects: Good idea.)

Salazar: Well, thank you for listening to Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All and be sure to send in your questions next time for our next guest speaker: None other than our very own Severus Snape's mother...Eileen Prince!

Severus: WHAT?! You're not bringing my mother into this, Salazar!

Salazar: Oh, yes I am, but we'll save this discussion for later, Severus. In the meantime, this is Salazar Slytherin...

Severus: And Severus Snape...

Both: Signing off.

(Cheesy fanfare)

DISCLAIMER: NO FERRETS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS EPISODE...NO REAL ONES, ANYWAY.