Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

This episode featuring Eileen Prince!

(Fanfare, punctuated by a highly gay sounding voice saying "Oh, Sevvy...")

Salazar: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All! I'm Salazar Slytherin...

Severus: And I'm Severus Snape...

Salazar: And this episode we feature...

Severus: No.

Salazar: I'm sorry?

Severus: No, we don't feature. We don't feature anything. We are going to stop right now and we are not having my mother on this sh--

Salazar: Now, Severus, be reasonab--

Severus: CRUCI--

***WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.*** (Salazar interjects: Ow! Asshole! Expelliarmus! Incarcerous!)

Salazar: Right, now that Severus is safely tied up and gagged...

Severus: MMMMFFFF!

Salazar: We will--

Severus: MMMMFFFF!

Salazar: We--

Severus: MMMMFFFFF!!!!!!!

Salazar: Silencio!

Severus:..................................................

Salazar: We will welcome Eileen Prince, mother of Severus Snape, to the show! Come in, Eileen!

(Eileen Prince walks in to the sound of "Mother" by Pink Floyd.)

Salazar: Welcome to the show, Ms. Prince.

Eileen: Thank you, Lord Slytherin, and may I say what an honor it--SEVERUS!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!! FINITE!!!

(The silencing charm and binding charm both come off of Severus, who promptly starts bawling.)

Eileen: Oh, dere dere, baby...mama's hewe...don't wowwy.

Severus: He's--always--so--mean--to--me! WAAAAAH!

Salazar: I hope he realizes I'm never going to let him live this down. Anyway, without further ado, we'll move to questions.

Q for Salazar: Did you expect that your descendants would turn out like the Dark Lord did? Did you plan it all?

A: HALLELUJAH! Finally a question for ME! Oh, the readers haven't forgotten about me...that warms my heart. (Severus interjects: Salazar, they only ask you questions out of pity. In reality, I could host this show and no one would care you were gone.) Severus, you're a bastard and a mommy's boy. (Severus interjects: I am NOT!) (Eileen interjects: I'll have you know I was MARRIED to Tobias when I said Sevvy!) Sevvy?! BWUAHAHAHAHA! (Severus interjects: Shut up, Salazar. You only do that because you know I'm more popular than you.) Do not! (Severus interjects: Do too!) Do not! (Severus interjects: Do too!) Do...(whimper) not! (Severus interjects: Do tooooooooo!) (sniff) Severus, quit hogging the mother figure here. WAAAAAAH! (Eileen interjects: I have a centuries old man crying into my chest...if I were any younger, I'd think I was in a pornographic movie!)

Q for Severus: Why do you like teaching Potions so much? Was it something about getting all those kids down there with you alone?

A: Hey! I--wh--For your saintly information, I taught Defense Against the Dark Arts before leaving Hogwarts for a much more lucrative post as the Dark Lord's right hand man...and no, it was nothing to do with the kids being alone with me, WHATEVER YOU MEAN BY THAT!!! (Salazar interjects: (sniffle) Yeah right, you probably slept with all of them because no woman your own age with any SELF RESPECT would sleep with you!) (Severus interjects: Get off my mother, you fucking serpent-tongued bastard.) (Eileen interjects: A centuries old man crying into my chest whose nickname is "Serpent tongue"...I really am having trouble believing I'm not in a pornographic movie!)

Q for Eileen: Is it true that members of your family are vampires? And if it IS true then how old are YOU? And what does that make Severus???

A: Vampires do tend to run in my side of the family, unfortunately. There's uncle Kastrorus and aunt Pandora and great-uncle Marius, second-cousin Lestat and... (Severus interjects: Mom, you're just naming the characters out of an Anne Rice novel now.) Severus, I know you don't like Anne Rice's writing, but she IS your godmother! (Severus interjects: Thanks, mom. Everyone needed to hear that.) (Salazar interjects: Do you vant to suck my blood, Sevvie?) (Severus interjects: Fuck you, Salazar.) SEVERUS! Do not use that foul language in my presence! (Severus interjects: Sorry, mom.) Anyway, as to what it makes Severus, thankfully he is not directly descended from any of them, so it's not a problem. (Salazar interjects: Dammit, you just killed all the times I was going to tease Severus!) You're not crying into my chest anymore, so I'd appreciate it if you'd get off, Lord Slytherin. (Salazar interjects: Why? I'm enjoying the scenery!) If I were any redder, I'd be in Gryffindor.

Q for Eileen: Is it true that when Severus came out, the doctor slapped you?

A: That depends on where you think he slapped me. Mediwizards are kinky people. (Salazar interjects: You are a fascinating woman, Missus Snape.) It's Ms. Snape now. Tobias is dead. (Salazar interjects: Small favors...) Could you PLEASE get off my chest? (Salazar interjects: Why? I can hear what you're saying much better down here!)

Q for Eileen: Why didn't you ever teach your son good hygiene skills?! What, were you too poor to afford hot water?

A: Don't blame me for the state of Severus! I've told him numerous times he needs to take better care of himself, but oh no...he thinks he knows so much better than me. (Severus interjects: That's because I do, mom.) (Salazar interjects: What a little shit...not listening to a fabulous woman like you...) You're sweet. (Salazar interjects: Thank you.) Now please, for the love of Merlin, take your head OFF MY CHEST! (Salazar interjects: Don't yell at me. I'm sensitive. WAAAAAH!) Oh, fuck, now he needs to cry into it again. (Severus interjects: You're fake crying, you bastard.) (Salazar interjects: Shut up, it's working like a charm.)

Q for Eileen: Did you allow Severus to date? Because he's obviously under the impression that he's *still* not allowed to!

A: Of course I allowed Severus to date. He did a couple of times, but it didn't work. I guess he's just such a sweet boy that he never wanted any woman besides his mother. (Salazar interjects: WHOA! Severus, you incestuous little bastard!) I didn't mean like that! (Salazar interjects: Dammit. I hoped he'd tell me what you look like under those clothes...) Getting red enough for Gryffindor again...

Q for Eileen: Did Severus have a Lily Evans love shrine in his closet? It seems like he had a little thing for her.

A: Lily Evans? Was she that sweet blonde girl you brought home once, Severus? (Severus interjects: No, mom. Lily was the redhead.) Oh, right. Severus didn't have a shrine of any kind, so far as I know, but he DID spend an awful lot of time in the closet. What he was doing, though, I'd rather not guess. (Salazar interjects: Care to come out of the closet and tell us, Severus?) (Severus interjects: No, I don't. Fuck you.) Severus! (Severus interjects: Sorry, mom.)

Q for Eileen: Why is Severus' underwear gray? Were you too poor to buy new ones? Or were his bad hygiene habits coming back to haunt him again?

A: We weren't too poor to buy Severus new underwear. We'd get him a new pair every Christmas. Always his favorite color - black. If he has grey underwear now, he must have stained all his pairs somehow, because he certainly never lacked underwear before. (Salazar interjects: Hmm...something that's white and stains. I bet this has something to do with what he was doing in the closet.) (Severus interjects: Fu...er...Go to Hades, Salazar.) (Salazar interjects: Tee hee...momma's boy.) Alright, Lord Slytherin, you're pressing down on my chest so hard you're suffocating me. Get off. (Salazar interjects: Fine.)

Q for Eileen: Was your husband disfigured? Because genetics probably have something to do with Severus' present appearance. Icky.

A: That is an insulting question and I most certainly will not dignify it with an answer! Severus is a very handsome boy and you're just too shallow to see that! (Salazar interjects: No offense, but I think any girl who's not too shallow to appreciate Severus' looks would have to be deeper than the ocean.) (Severus interjects: You're lucky my mother's here, Salazar.) (Salazar interjects: You're damn right I am, but not for the reason you think, Sevvy-poo.) (Severus interjects: GAH!)

Q for Eileen: Is it true that you weren't sure of your son's gender until the age of 15?

A: Yet another insulting question. (sigh) Severus is quite well-endowed enough to be distinguished as physically male and besides that, in case you didn't notice, he doesn't have breasts. (Salazar interjects: No offense, Eileen...may I call you Eileen? No offense, Eileen, but compared to you, nobody has breasts.) I'm blushing so hard I think I might be radioactive.

Q for Eileen: Why marry a muggle? Aren't there plenty of decent wizards who DON'T abuse their wives?

A: I was young...I made a mistake. Tobias used to be really sweet to me until we had Severus. Then he started getting freaked out by the idea of Severus being able to curse him if he grounded him. He wouldn't stop going on about how my magic had ruined everything...I should've known it would threaten him. He's dead now, though. (Salazar interjects: If you don't mind my asking, how did he die?) Well, did you ever see the play Chicago? (Salazar interjects: Sure, Severus tells me my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson sings the "Cell Block Tango" everytime he murders someone.) Well...to quote that very same song, Tobias "had it coming." (Salazar interjects: You ARE a fascinating woman. I wish I could find my way into your chamber of secrets.) Ok, this time I really AM radioactive.

Q for Eileen: Are you proud of your son's accomplishments as a death eater?

A: Well, at first it upset me, but then I remembered that when I was at Hogwarts I had a huge crush on Tom Riddle, so I couldn't blame him for joining up with the man. (Salazar interjects: What exactly was it that attracted you about Voldiekins?) Well, he's the only man to have ever beaten me at gobstones. (Salazar interjects: Severus, can I PLEASE borrow your set of gobstones?) (Severus interjects: No, you can't...you sick, centuries-old bastard.) (Salazar interjects: Severus, please! I haven't met one like this since Rowena!) (Severus interjects: Well, if you treat mum like you treated her, she would stake your balls, and I can't deny I'd enjoy seeing that.) (Salazar interjects: Yes, that's it! I'll get my balls staked! Whatever gets me the set!) (Severus interjects: Fine.) (Salazar interjects: Hell yes!)

Q for Eileen: Was there ever anything between Narcissa Black and your son?

A: Oh, Narcissa, THAT was the blonde one. I really don't know, actually. Why don't you ask Severus? (Severus interjects: I'll answer it, mom. Narcissa and I didn't ever do anything serious at Hogwarts, but afterwards...that's another story.) (Salazar interjects: Nothing serious?! You mean to tell me that time you had her on Slughorn's desk wasn't serious?) (Severus interjects: Hey, shut up, Sally. You're a dinosaur. You don't understand the meaning of casual sex.) (Salazar interjects: You kids these days...you've lost all appreciation of good foreplay.) (Severus interjects: THANK YOU! I don't need sexual advice from you.) (Salazar interjects: No, but your mother does. Speaking of, free tonight, Eileen?) Er...oh, goodness...ummm...I...I suppose. (Salazar interjects: Wonderful, then how would you like to join me for a drink in the three--) (Severus interjects: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!) (Salazar interjects: Now, Severus...) (Severus interjects: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!) (Salazar interjects: Sev...) (Severus interjects: NO NO NO NO NO N--) (Salazar interjects: SILENCIO! Now, Eileen, how would you like to join me for a drink in the three broomsticks?) I'd love to, Lord Slytherin. Just promise me one thing. (Salazar interjects: Anything, my little Prince...ess.) Don't fake cry just to feel me up again. (Salazar interjects: Dammit, and I thought it worked so well.) You're talking to the woman who raised Severus, you idiot.

Salazar: Touche. Well, with that, we'll close the episode. Thanks Eileen and all readers, send in your questions for next week's guest - HARRY POTTER?! He actually consented to come on the show? Severus, did you know anything about this?

Severus:..............................................

Salazar: Oh, right. The silencing charm. Finite!

Severus: Yes, I knew Potter had consented to come on the show. Personally, I think it's just going to be a poorly planned assassination attempt aimed at me.

Salazar: Well, that wouldn't be so bad.

Severus: You are so fucking lucky my mother is here!

Eileen: Severus!

Salazar: Damn right, and I'll get even more lucky tonight. Anyway, before Severus uses any spells on me...this is Salazar Slytherin...

Severus: And this is Severus Snape...

Both: Signing ou--

***WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.*** (Salazar interjects: Crucio! Expelliarmus! Petrificus totalus! Wingardium leviosa!) (Eileen interjects: Eek!) (Salazar interjects: Whoops, I didn't mean to use a levitating charm on your skirt, Ms. Prince, sorry.)

Salazar: Anyway, as I was saying, before this git cursed me, this is Salazar Slytherin...

Severus: MMMMFFFFF!

Salazar: Déjà vu. Signing out.

(Fanfare)