Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!
This issue featuring guest speaker Lord Voldemort.

(Cheesy fanfare, following by the yowling of a black cat)

Salazar: Welcome to Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape tell all. I'm one of your hosts, Salazar Slytherin.

Severus: And I'm the other host, Severus Snape.

Salazar: We'd like to welcome you to this issue, where we will be joined by--(sinister organ music) Well, will you listen to that, Severus? It appears our guest has arrived. Do show him in, will y--AHHH!

(sounds of a scuffle)

Severus: Sorry, it would appear that the Dark Lord just apparated directly onto Salazar's head and they're now both frantically trying to get off each other. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, in a state of high dudgeon, Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort: Don't just stand there, you idiot, help me here!

(More sounds of a scuffle, then a loud noise and an oofing sound.)

Severus: And it would appear that the Dark Lord has just given Salazar a very big hug...oookay...

Voldemort: Grandpa!

Salazar: Wow...I guess living 69 years without the concept of love makes a guy pretty lonely. Ok, Tom, get off me now.

Voldemort: (tearful voice) I've been doing just like you wanted grandpa. I've been killing the filthy mudbloods. Have I been a good boy, grandpa?

Salazar: Er...yeah, sure. Listen, are you okay?

Voldemort: Okay? I look like this and you ask whether I'm okay?

Salazar: Well, your appearance does leave something to be desired, but I meant aside from distorting your soul beyond the laws of nature and morality, are you okay?

Voldemort: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just happy I got to give you a big hug like that. It'll give JKR a really tight hole to squeeze out of. "Power the Dark Lord knows not," eh, bitch? I just hugged my grandpa, how d'you like that?!

Salazar: Now now, Tom, you're scaring the children.

Voldemort: Are they pureblood?

Salazar: Er...yes.

Voldemort: Ok, sorry, I'll stop.

Salazar: Ok. So, without further ado, we'll move to questions!

Q for Voldemort: Why did you offer Lily Potter the chance to live?

A: Well...let's just say James wasn't that well-endowed and Lily...well, she never liked him much anyway. You may also be wondering why they invoked the Fidelius charm? Well...James didn't like me boning his wife and killing his Phoenix order pals, so he shipped her off. (Severus interjects: Ha ha, good one. "Shipped" her off.) Severus, if you do not remain silent, I shall cast the Bunny hex of doom. (Severus interjects: Ok, shutting up now.) Good thing he told Pettigrew where they were hiding, though...Peter always was a good pimp, I have to say. But this isn't answering your question, is it? Point is, I really didn't want to kill the woman I'd been sleeping with for the past few years.

Q for Voldemort: You're lying! My mother would never sleep with you! I'm going to find all your horcruxes and kill you, you sonofabitchwhoreslut! - Harry Potter

A: You're right, Potter. Your mother never would sleep with me. Oh no, she stayed wide awake, she liked it so much. And moaned like an Azkaban inmate too...I don't think I'll ever forget the "dirty mudblood" position...as for my horcruxes...your mom put the whore in my sixth horcrux, and no, it's not my pet snake. (Salazar interjects: Tee hee...pet snake.) Grandpa...(Salazar interjects: Sorry, Tommy, I know you're powerful and all, but I'm one of the most powerful wizards who ever lived and you really are no match for me.) Bastard. Anyway, Potter, that's all...oh, and I do so appreciate your kind comments about my mother...that's another thing we have in common, apparently.

Q for Salazar: Why didn't you use a horcrux? They're so convenient. - Voldemort

A: You could have asked me that in person, Tom. (Severus interjects: His name, Salazar, is Voldiekins.) Oh, right. (Voldemort interjects: Grr...no, it is not, and Severus, you should feel very, very fortunate that I am so grateful for your killing Dumbledore.) Anyway, Voldiekins...(Voldemort interjects: Oh, not you as well!) the reason I never used a horcrux was because...wait a second, what makes you so sure I didn't? (Voldemort interjects: Well, shouldn't you still be alive?) You're talking to me, aren't you? (Voldemort interjects: Yes, but I thought that was through some sort of time turner accident or something!) Yes, well, you may think that, but...Severus, should we tell them? (Severus interjects: Oh, fine.) Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, the REAL reason I have managed to still be in contact with Severus is because my only horcrux still survives and as a result, so do I. (Severus interjects: Not to bring up a sore topic, Salazar, but what is your horcrux?) Oh, Severus, come on, surely you figured it out by now. (Severus interjects: No.) Think...what was I most embarrassed about you mentioning in episode two? (Severus interjects: You can't be serious...you actually made a horcrux out of PINK BUNNY SLIPPERS?!!!) Hey, how many times do I have to say it, they're MAGENTA!!! (Voldemort interjects: My grandfather made a horcrux out of magenta bunny slippers...I think if I didn't have seven horcruxes, I'd die of shame right now.)

Q for Voldemort: If you kept screwing Lily Potter, does that mean Harry Potter is actually your son?

A: No, of course not. Harry Potter is James Potter's son through and through. You see, Severus here, among his other uses, has a great talent for brewing contraceptive potions and I must confess that was one of my main reasons for recruiting him as a Death Eater. A big man like me needs to keep all his babes clean. Incidentally, Severus, if I may ask, why did you feel the need to garner skill at that particular branch of potions? (Severus interjects: Er...well...you see, Master, I would tell you....but you really don't need to know...) Oh, come on, indulge me. (Severus interjects: No...you...you really won't like it...) Ah, don't be squeamish! I'm just as kinky as you are, Severus! (Severus interjects: Oh, fine, I'll tell you. It's not as if you're gonna do anything with Salazar around. I'm so, so sorry, my Lord, but you see...you were getting Lily's sloppy seconds that whole time.) WHAT?!!! YOU FILTHY, DISLOYAL, TRAITOROUS HALF-BLOODED PSEUDO-ROYAL SON-OF-A-BITCH! I OUGHTTA STAKE YOUR BALLS AND FEED THEM TO NAGINI! I OUGHTTA--(Salazar interjects: Hey, no wands in the studio!) AVADA KE--(Salazar interjects: Expelliarmus!) Damn you, Grandpa...(Severus interjects: No hard feelings...Voldiekins.) Grandpa...can I please have my wand back? Pretty please with sugar and muggle-born corpses on top? (Salazar interjects: Nope, sorry, Voldiekins. I think Severus is really starting to grow on me.) If you weren't my grandfather, all that would be growing on you now would be grass. (Salazar interjects: That warms my heart, Voldiekins.) You're welcome. Bastard.

Q for Voldemort: What's with the red-eye? Conjunctivitis?

A: No, red eyes are a minor side-effect of creating too many horcruxes. (Salazar: That, and killing your girlfriend makes you cry really hard...trust me, I know.) If you didn't have a horcrux, I'd try to kill you right now, grandpa.

Q for Voldemort: Is it true you became a Dark lord only because Gladrags refused to let you model for them?

A: ABSOLUTELY NOT! (Salazar interjects: Methinks the lady doth protest too m--) SHUT UP! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, IT'S LUCIUS WHO JOINED THE DEATH EATERS BECAUSE HE COULDN'T GET A MODELLING CONTRACT! (Severus interjects: If you don't mind my asking, my Lord, how did you know that?) Well, he was sitting right next to me at the audition--I mean, leglimency...yeah...definitely leglimency...uh huh...leglimency...(Salazar interjects: Is that the same reason you know he's bisexual?) How did you know I knew that? (Salazar interjects: (smirk) Leglimency. Pretty hot fantasies you've got there, Voldiekins.) YOU SICK FUCK!

Q for Voldemort: Why this obsession with a child, you pedophile??

A: (sounds of a scuffle, a few shouted unforgivable curses and muffled shrieks) Severus here. Being that I am the Dark Lord's right hand man and the Dark Lord himself is currently indisposed since Salazar has him in a headlock...(Salazar interjects: Who's your granddaddy? Who's your granddaddy?) Er...as I was saying, the reason the Dark Lord is so obsessed with Potter...well, have you ever noticed how the Dark Lord looks like Michael J--(Voldemort interjects: Do you really want to die, Severus? You will if you finish that sentence.) I mean...the reason the Dark Lord is so obsessed with Potter is the prophecy. Yeah, definitely the prophecy. (Voldemort interjects: Smart. Better that I don't tell them about your obsession with calling yourself "the artist formerly known as the Half-Blood...) Please please PLEASE shut up...my Lord.

Q for Salazar: What has happened to Voldemort?

A: He's had his ass whooped by grandpa. Say uncle, Tommy! Say uncle! (Voldemort interjects: Right about now, I see what Slughorn meant when he said immortality wasn't all fun and games...I hate my life.)

Q for Severus: Where are you now?

A: Trapped in a building with a couple of lunatics. (Voldemort and Salazar interject: WHAT DID YOU CALL US?!!) I mean...very great and powerful and scary dark wizards...(Voldemort and Salazar interject: Smart move.) who happen to call themselves Sally and Voldiekins. (Salazar interjects: Severus...you can bottle fame, brew glory and stopper death, but there's one abstract concept you can't brew.) What's that? (Salazar interjects: The can of WHOOP-ASS I'm gonna open on you!)

Q for Voldemort: Which is your favorite Death Eater? Which one do you like the least?

A: Can't...breathe...(Salazar interjects: Fine, I'll let go.) Thank you...so...much. My favorite Death Eater? Well, back in the day it was Lucius because he could kill someone, torture mudbloods AND put Aurors under Imperio without losing his sexiness. Of course, then he pretended he'd been enchanted and threw away my friendship bracelet...the bitch...I must not cry...I must not cry...WAAAAAHHH! (Salazar interjects: There, there, Tom.) Oh, God....oh...I'm coming out of it now. Anyway, after him it was Bellatrix Lestrange because she was loyal to me, fucking hot and read COSMO! (Severus interjects: (gaping look of horror)) But she turned out to be a skanky 'ho who couldn't even get me a simple prophecy. So, after her, it was Severus. (Severus interjects: What, it isn't me anymore?) Well, actually, it is still you, but only because the others suck. And the fact that you're calling me Voldiekins isn't helping...Sevvy-poo. (Severus interjects: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!) Vengeance is sweet. As to my least-favorite death eater, that title definitely belongs to Draco Malfoy. Oh, the little bitch thinks he's soooo pretty and soooo smart and he's always going on about how he's pureblood (though I suppose that's partially my fault, since I stress purebloodedness). Oh, and he won't let me perform the traditional death eater ritual of braiding his hair. What, does he think he's too good for me or something?!

Q for Tom Riddle: Did you enjoy doing Hepzibah Smith?

A: Hepzi---(incoherent gurgling) RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! SHE RAPED ME! (Salazar interjects: Ok, waaaay too much info--) OH GOD, THAT'S WHY I'M GAY!!!! EVERY TIME I TRY TO HAVE A STABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN, I'M ALWAYS AFRAID SHE'S GOING TO RAPE ME LIKE HEPZIBAH SMITH! (sobbing) OH GOD, MY LIFE IS SO LONELY!!!!!!!! (Salazar interjects: Ok, I'm sorry I was insensitive, Tommy. Would you like a cheering charm?) No. I want my mommy.

(Severus interjects: If I may suggest, Salazar, that we modify his memory?) (Salazar interjects: Good idea. I think carrying around a traumatic memory like that could be very detrimental to his evilness.) (sound of magic words and the swishing of wands) Whoo...I'm feeling dizzy. What was the last question?

Q for Tom Riddle: Did you enjoy doing Hepzibah Smith?

A: Ha! That old bag! Oh boy, she may have been fat, but let me tell you, she was WAAAY too tight for me. I mean, not to brag, but I'm very well-endowed and all she could take on board was a walking stick, if you get my drift. (Severus interjects: You know...that image is so unpleasant, I almost prefer the screaming and crying.) What screaming and crying? (Severus interjects: Never mind.)

Q for Voldemort: To the Dark Lord: I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can. I face death in the hopes that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more. - R.A.B.

A: WHAT?! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! (Salazar interjects: Who's R.A.--) (Fwoosh!)

Salazar: Oh crap, he disapparated. Well, thanks for your questions and be sure to tune in next issue as we take a look inside the psyche of everyone's favorite elitists, the Malfoys! Send in your questions for Lucius, Draco and Narcissa and we'll be back next time. This is Salazar Slytherin...

Severus: And Severus Snape...

Both: Signing out.

(Cheesy fanfare.)