Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

(Cheesy fanfare as Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape walk onto the stage to great applause)

Salazar: Hello, and welcome back to Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape tell all! Sorry for the delay in this episode, but you see, we've had trouble finding a place to hide while rampaging Dumbledore fans search for Severus. Speaking of, in a rare occurrence, I'm going to pose the first question to Severus, and then we'll get started with today's program. Severus, you are currently on the run from the law. How does that feel?

Severus: Frankly, Salazar it feels like I have one less person to fuck up my mind with occlumency for. I tell you, suppressing your feelings like that, it isn't good for your brain...I think I might just have to relieve myself of a little stress. Stand back, please.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salazar: Only five lines of exclamation marks, Severus? I would have thought with Potter's sixth year just finish--

Severus: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salazar: Ok. (waits for Severus to calm down) Feel better?

Severus: Oh, much, thank you.

Salazar: Alright, we'll now move to our questions, which suspiciously enough, are mostly for Severus.

Q for Severus: Are you really evil?

A: Good is a point of view, Ana...whoops, wrong fantasy series. What's the catchphrase here...oh, right. There is no good and evil, there is only power and those too weak to seek it. (Salazar interjects: That's short for: "I'm too much of a pussy to answer, so piss off.") The question was directed at ME, Salazar.

Q for Salazar: If Voldemort is a Lord and Severus is the Half-Blood Prince, what does that make you?

A: (Severus interjects: The King of the Gaunts) Oh, thanks a bloody lot, Severus, you've made me the patron saint of wizarding eurotrash. I feel so much better knowing that's my lot in life. (Severus interjects: (smirk) You're welcome, Salazar.) I can turn you in, you know. (Severus interjects: Ok, shutting up now.)

Q for Salazar, the misogynist jerk: You're saying that I'm a slut? Well, excuse me for not approving of your prejudice and so on and so forth. You little bastard, I ought to stake your balls and give them to Donald the Dementor for lunch. My question is, can we make up again? - Rowena Ravenclaw

A: What the...Severus, I have a lesson for you, so listen closely. Nothing Voldemort could POSSIBLY do is worse than a woman scorned. Ok? Nothing. (Severus interjects: I understand, Salazar, old pal.) Anyway, I do wonder which part of this to respond to first. Rowena, I know how good you are at charms, so please please please don't use that ball-staking charm you were so fond of using on me. Please? As to the latter part, yes, we can make up, but...(Severus interjects: Sally loves Rowena...Sally loves Rowena...) but first I have to curse this GIT until he shuts up! (Severus interjects: Ok, shutting up now.)

Q for Severus: Your house are a bunch of freaking saints, aren't they? Well then, answer this: Why do you take points from my house for imbecilic reasons such as "breathing too loud" hnnn? JERK! -McGonagall

A: I would point out that this question is no longer relevant as I am no longer a teacher at Hogwarts, but I shall answer it anyway. Minerva, my dear, there is such a thing as discretion. I don't know if you noticed, but the students who were breathing too loudly, that is, Mr. Seamus Finnigan and Miss Parvati Patil...I don't know if you've noticed, but they have odd habits around each other, especially the motions Mr. Finnigan's wrist makes when he is sitting next to Miss Patil, which, if exposed properly, could be very embarrassing for both parties. I therefore felt it better that I appear to be a villain rather than expose the fact that Miss Patil was having an orgasm when she should have been taking notes.

Q for Severus: I suggest you watch what you drink at your next dinner, Severus dear, I was rather good at potions myself. Hmph! -McGonagall

A: If you can find a way to sneak into a Death Eater exclusive dinner, Minerva, I shall be very shocked indeed.

Q for Severus: Why did you have to kill Dumbledore, you rotten greasy haired jerk?

A: HELLO! I made an unbreakable vow! Unbreakable means not able to be broken, meaning I had no choice! (Salazar interjects; Yes, you did, you just would have died.) Shut up, Sally. Oh, and if you had the old geezer wheezing about how sexy you look in those black robes whenever you walk by his office, you'd enjoy it too! Oh, and throw in the fact that Voldemort was so grateful he let he have anything my heart desired and I chose to have him let me call him "Voldiekins." He's almost sorry Dumbledore's dead now!

Q for Severus: Since Dumbledore thought you were so sexy in potions, why did he transfer you to DADA? (PS: I thought you were sexy in potions too. ;P)

A: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Salazar interjects: I think Severus is a bit agitated at the moment, but I can answer that question. It turns out that Professor Dumbledore thought Severus demonstrating the leather bondage curse would be especially se--) SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP, SALAZAR!!!!!

Q for Severus: If you could have a relationship with any member of the Hogwarts faculty, who would it be? (You can't answer no one or piss off.)

A: I will not answer this question (Salazar interjects: Oh yes, you will!) Make me. (Salazar interjects: Do you really want me to tell them about Dumbledore's S&M feti--) Fine, fine, fine! I guess if I had to have a relationship with any member of the Hogwarts faculty, it would be...myself. Sorry, but I just can't stand anyone else. (Salazar interjects: Wow, I guess those things the marauders said about "Self-serve Snivellus" were really true...) Salazar, you--I--you--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q for Severus: How come you never put a stop to Potter using your old textbook?

A: Well, I thought it would be meaner to kill his idol and then let him know it was me he was plagiarizing all that time. That...and...well...it actually was kind of cool to see Draco Malfoy squeal like a pig after Potter used Sectusempra. That was one time Potter had style...not that I like Potter! Oh, no I hate him! I hate him hate him hate him! Yes, precious, I--(Salazar interjects: Wrong fantasy series, Severus) Dammit, I really have to break that habit!

Q for Severus: Your vehement hatred for Potter is awfully strong...methinks the lady doth protest too much.

A:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ljfaljfodih

(Salazar interjects: Dammit, Severus, you broke the word processor!) w3ll, tuff shit on u, muferfuker.

Q for both: System restore!

A: Yay!

Q for Severus: Why did you teach Potter occlumency all that time if you hated him?

A: I knew Potter wouldn't be able to do occlumency the whole time and besides, it was kind of funny to see all his memories. I never knew Potter had to wear pink underwear when he was four...

Q for Severus: You were looking at his underwear? Are you SURE you hate Potter?

A: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Salazar interjects: Stop that, Severus, you're going to break it again!) Fine. Meanie.

Q for Salazar: Did you really tell your descendants to marry their cousins?

A: I always told them "Do as I say, not who I do," but apparently they didn't listen. (Severus interjects: You mean to say that...you're a sick man, Salazar.) Hey, my cousin was hot, come on! (Severus interjects: Sick, sick, sick man...)

Q for Salazar: Do you mean to say that we're cousins?! EWWW! - Rowena Ravenclaw

A: No, Rowena, we are NOT cousins. I am referring to the cousin who I screwed when we weren't talking to each other. No ball-staking, now!

Q for Both: Are you sleeping with each other?

A:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q for Severus: Did we break it? - Salazar

A: I don't think so. But maybe we just ought to quit now and not risk it. (Salazar interjects: Ok.)

Salazar: So, send in questions in your reviews and join us next time, when we will answer not only all your questions relating to us, but will bring on a guest speaker the likes of which none of you will believe. On our next episode, we will feature Lord Voldemort aka Tom Marvolo Riddle aka....oh fine, Severus, but this is really cruel...aka Voldiekins. So make sure you ask all the questions you can and we'll be back. This is Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape signing out!