Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Salazar Slytherin and Donald the Dementor Tell All!

Salazar: Welcome to another edition of Salazar Slytherin and...well...Severus is in St. Mungo's recovering from his brief episode as a teletubby, so this episode we feature a creature about which you probably have a lot of questions. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present Donald the Dementor, whose language will be translated by a charm on his mouth. Now not to worry, Donald signed a contract with me swearing that he wouldn't...er...suck any thoughts out of us. I hope he will still honor that?

Donald: I just ate.

Salazar: I'd ask what, but I just ate too. Anyway, as I was saying, Severus will be gone for this episode so you can ask your questions of Donald the Dementor. Not to worry, I will remain a permanent element of the show so there will be at least one human available to answer questions. Now, on to this issue.

Q for Donald: How do Dementors create other Dementors?

A: Well, it's quite a complex process. You see, when two Dementors love each other very much--(Salazar interjects: Whoa, Dementors are capable of love? You learn something new every day!) Be silent. As I was saying, when two Dementors love each other very much, they get together and--

Q for Donald: On second thought, maybe I don't want to know. Can you shut up now?

A: Ok, your loss.

Q for Salazar: Why'd you bring that freak on this show?

A: Oh now, now. Just because he's a Dementor doesn't mean he's not hu-well, actually it does. Damn! What I meant to say was don't be prejudiced against other people...er...he's not a person...against other creatures' species!

Q for Donald: Expecto Patronum!

A: Er...ok...writing the words has no effect on me whatsoever. Sorry to disappoint you.

Q for Salazar: Can you please cast the Patronus charm on him?

A: No, he's our guest. That would be rude.

Q for Donald: How was the first Dementor made?

A: Ah, this is a highly debatable question. The smarter Dementors-(Salazar interjects: So Dementors have varying degrees of intelligence...wow...)-Er hem! Before I was interrupted, I mentioned the smarter Dementors. They believe that our race evolved from Boggarts. However, there are those of us who believe that a dark god of sadness created us and take offense at anyone saying we evolved from Boggarts. What happened to our shapeshifting abilities?

Q for Donald: How come Muggles can't see you guys?

A: Muggles can see us, but only at select times when we choose to appear to them. See, there was this one muggle Scrooge who one of us decided to appear to once. Of course, that Dementor didn't look like we do and masqueraded as some sort of symbol for "Christmas Past." Or was that the vampire and we were Christmas Future? Damn, I always get it mixed up.

Q for Salazar: Did you ever have a girlfriend??? EVER??

A: Yes, now you mention it. But she broke up with me on the grounds that I was too DISTANT, whatever the hell that means. I think she married Godric after that. Slut.

Q for Donald: Why do Dementors suck souls?

A: Actually, we don't suck souls. The experience of having us lift you up and French you is enough to give anyone permanent amnesia as most humans don't want to remember a thing like that. Sadly, humans think we're REALLY bad kissers. If we had our way, we'd kiss all the hot girls and not these sickening criminals who haven't had a square meal in weeks. The whole sucking souls thing is just something the ministry invented to make us look evil so the press wouldn't abuse them for degrading a racial minority.

Q for Salazar: Rumor has it that you killed Godric Gryffindor, is that true?

A: I take the fifth.

Q for Salazar: This is Britain, you idiot. The fifth is American. And how do you know about it anyway, you're from a thousand years ago! - Severus

A: I shall have to tell the healers to use better anesthetic...I'm really good at Divination, Severus, that's how I know.

Q for Donald: If you guys are so misunderstood, why don't you hold a demonstration?

A: What, you think we can peacefully picket Azkaban like Martin fucking Luther King? NOBODY sympathizes with us! If we tried passive non-violence we'd end up dead from excessive exposure to Patronuses.

Q for Donald: Why did you have to join Lord Voldemort?

A: Because we're PISSED OFF! What's the Ministry ever done for us? NOTHING!

Q for Donald: How does one kill a Dementor?

A: Yeah, that is of absolutely no importance. Let's get off that subject now. And for all of you who think we ought to demonstrate peacefully, just look at that question!

Q for Salazar: Oh God! Could you meet me in the Three Broomsticks? I have so much to ask you about Hogwarts, A History! -Hermione Granger

A: Oh, I remember this kid. Severus told me about her. Honey, there is only one thing I will tell you and no, I will not meet you in the Three Broomsticks. That one thing I want to tell you is this: Get a boyfriend or even better, a LIFE!

Q for Donald: You're full of shit about being misunderstood. I know how I feel when I go around you guys. Explain that!

A: Such prejudice...fine, I will explain that. Ok, Dementors breathe chemicals which set off reactions in the brain which cause one to imagine that one's worst memories are taking place all over again. That's why Salazar is wearing a gas mask right now.

Q for Donald: If you don't suck souls, then what did you eat before you came on this show?

A: A steak sandwich. (Salazar interjects: And there was me thinking it was something disgusting.)

Q for Donald: WE'RE NOT MISUNDERSTOOD! WE DO SUCK SOULS! STEAK SANDWICHES SUCK! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS ARE YOU? -The REAL Dementors

A: Well...ermmm...dammmit, they found me out! (Donald pulls off his hood and takes off a fake dementor mask to reveal that it's really Severus.) (Salazar interjects: But...but...but...)

Q for Severus: Ok, how the hell did you get out of St. Mungo's so early? -Salazar

A: Oh come on. Did you honestly believe being a Teletubby was something St. Mungo's needed that long to cure? (Salazar interjects: Then who was the black haired guy who looked exactly like you that was lying there when I went there?) Oh, him. He's this wizard I went to school with. The muggles think he's an actor. Perhaps you heard of him, his name's Alan Rickman.

Q for Greypants, Sevvy, Hater of Gryffindors, Bloody Snape: When will you stop taking points from *my* house? you don't see me doing that to yours with such infatuation, do you?- McGonagall

A: (incoherent sputtering, which continues until finally Salazar changes the salutation.)

Q for Severus: When will you stop taking points from *my* house? you don't see me doing that to yours with such infatuation, do you?- McGonagall

A: Minerva, my dear, my house doesn't act all high-and-mighty, ignore their homework and flaunt the rules the way yours d-(Salazar interjects: Wait just a bloody minute! Slytherins don't flaunt the rules?! Oh, how the mighty have fallen...) Shut up, Salazar. What I mean to say is that my house doesn't deserve points taken off where yours does, Minerva.

Q for both: I forget, what time was I supposed to come on your show again? -Donald the Dementor

A: Well, you're kind of late, Donald but otherwise we'll bring you in next issue. So, to all those who have valiantly asked us questions, next issue you will have an actual dementor to ask questions of! So please...send in your questions as quick as possible.