Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

(Cheesy fanfare) Both: Welcome to another addition of "Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!" This issue we take a look at some of the questions we received from our readers!

Q: (for Severus) Why do you look as if you never take a bath? I mean, you're pretty greasy...

A: Why you--Of course I take a bath! You'd be greasy too if you worked with pewter cauldrons and sticky solutions all day! (Salazar interjects: I was a potions teacher in my day, and it never happened to me...) Shut up! Case in point, I am only greasy because of my job. (Salazar interjects: That, and the fact that he's been alone for a long, long ti-) Crucio! (Owwwww!)

Q for Sevvie: Are you a vampire?

A: Not bloody likely. (Salazar interjects: Note the "bloody" in that sentence.) Will you shut up? This is my question! (hysterical laughter) What's so funny now?! (Interjection: HAHAHAHAHA! SEVVIE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Grr....no, I'm not a vampire. My grandfather was, though. (Salazar interjects: Who, you mean Kastrorus?) Yes, but how did you...damn, is he that old?

Q: (for Salazar) What do you think of the head of your house, Severus Snape? Be honest here...

A: Who is this Severus Snape? Oh, you mean "Sevvie" Snape? Expelliarmus! (Severus interjects: Damn you...) Sorry, old fellow, but that's the last time you use that curse on me. What do I think of Sevvie? (stream of obscenities) Watch your mouth, Sevvie. (Severus interjects: Use my proper name or I'll tell them about that pink--) NO! Ok, fine I'll be serious. What do I think of Severus? (Severus interjects: (smirk)) Well, for one thing, I think he's entirely too fixated on making this Pothead kid (Severus interjects: (snigger) Actually, it's Potter...) Right, Potty, that's the one. He's much too fixated on making this Putty kid's life miserable and has no respect for genocide...but otherwise, he's a good guy. We've shared a few butterbeers. And played Pool. I won. Yeah.

Q for Severus: Do you really apply for the DADA job every year? If so, why do they turn you down every year? I mean, anyone's better then Lockhart and Umbridge.

A: Yes, you are right. ANYONE is better than Lockhart and Umbridge. (Salazar interjects: Who?) No one you'd be interested in. Well, yes I do apply but as to why I get rejected...it's a long story. (Salazar interjects: Oh come on, Severus, you told me in the three broomsticks.) Well, yes but that was you. I mean, I knew you were trustworthy and--oh, fine, I'll tell them. Have you ever noticed how the headmaster is equally comfortable counseling both boys and girls? That's because he's, well...let's just say he likes to keep his options open. (Salazar interjects: And that's options as in Flitwick in leather). SHUT UP, THEY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT! Anyway, the Headmaster seems to think that keeping me in places where my skin gets slippery and greasy and...(Salazar interjects: And everything Albus likes in a man...) Shut up, it's not like I'm comfortable about what he's doing, ok?!! Anyway, that should be enough innuendo to get my point across. (Salazar interjects: Dumbledore thinks Severus is more sexy when he's been sweating in a dungeon all day.) For the last time, Sally, THEY DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT!

Q for Salazar: How many pet snakes do you have, exactly?

A: Finally a question I can answer without feeling uncomfortable. (Severus interjects: Oh? And what do you think they mean by "pet snakes", Salazar?) You are a sad, strange little man, Severus. I have only two pet snakes (and that's as in the reptile, you sick, greasy bastard). The first one is named Pravus and is a descendant of my first pet snake. The second one is named Necator and he's really big. (Severus interjects: Oh, the imagery...) THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S A BASILISK, YOU TWISTED---(incoherent ranting) (Severus interjects: I am too mature for this pettiness.)

Q for Salazar: What do you think of your descendant, Tom Riddle aka Lord Voldemort?

A: I WILL KILL YOU, SEVERUS! COME HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN! CRUCIO! IMPERIO! AVADA K-Oh, I have a question. (Severus interjects: You do realize you were trying to perform those spells without a wand, right?) Shut up. Ah, Tommy. He's so funny. Thinking he can change the world just by murdering all the muggles...(sigh) so cute in his inexperience and naivete. Then again, he's also pretty ignorant about his followers. I mean, come on, I've seen the magazines they keep under their beds and they're not wizarding publications...(Severus interjects: Just whose bed have you been looking under, Salazar?) Ermm...nice weather we're having, isn't it?

Q for Severus: Why are your teeth yellowish?

A: How could that information possibly be of any use to you? (Salazar interjects: Because he spends too much time on potions and not enough on teeth cleaning charms and probably will lose all his teeth by the time he's fif-) Oh great, just tell them everything about me, Salazar! Shall I tell them about your--(Salazar interjects: NO!) Your pi- (Salazar interjects: NO! NO!) your pink- (Salazar interjects forcefully: NO!!) your pink bunny slippers! (Salazar interjects: What? I don't know what the hell you're talking about.) Wait, you mean you don't wear pink bunny slippers? (Salazar interjects: No.) Oh, ok, my bad. (Salazar interjects: Ha! You idiot! They're magenta!)

Q for Severus: Not to bring up a sore subject, but we know your worst memory is the afternoon of your DADA OWL... So what happened after Lily walked away? Did James take your knickers off? Why are your knickers grey, anyway?

A: WHAT?! WHICH NEWSPAPER PUBLICATION DID POTTER LEAK THAT TO? OH, I BET IT WAS THE QUIBBLER! I BET IT WAS THE QUIBBLER! THAT LITTLE ARROGANT, BIG HEADED PIECE OF ****! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE STINKING PROPHECY, I'LL KILL HIM BEFORE YOU-KNOW-WHO DOES! AND IF DUMBLEDORE DOESN'T LIKE IT, SCREW HIM! VOLDEMORT IS BETTER FOR A FEW LAUGHS ANYW--(sounds of a scuffle.) Salazar here. I just had to drag Severus away from the keyboard and lock him in his room. I think he's currently destroying his fourth potions ingredient jar (sound of breaking glass). Make that his fifth. In future, please refrain from asking him such personal questions. However, I can answer you directly. (Severus interjects through the door: DON'T YOU DARE!) No, Potter never did take off his knickers. McGonagall caught him before he could do that. I'm not sure why that's his worst memory, actually. Maybe he was disappointed that Potter didn-(Severus interjects: YOU FILTHY, TWISTED SERPENT!!) Ah, vengeance is sweet. I knew I'd get him back for that pet snake comment...Severus' knickers are grey? Figures.

Q for Greypants: Can I write a fic with you falling in love with a Mary Sue?

A: (Terrifyingly angry roar) (Salazar interjects: No, no Severus, please, not the teletubbism solution...) Well, now that Salazar has been force fed my potion which turned him into a teletubby... (Salazar interjects: Tinky Winky! Dipsy! La la! Po! Sally!) (uncontrollably laughter) I can answer this question. NO, you CANNOT EVER write a fic with me falling in love with a Mary Sue! It's libel! I'll bring a lawsuit against you! And speaking of libel....GREYPANTS?!!! AHHHHH! (Salazar interjects: Tinky Winky! Dipsy! La la! Po! Sally!) Grr...ok, Salazar, the teletubby act is really getting on my nerves. (Salazar interjects: Tinky w-) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M GETTING A DEMENTOR! (Severus leaves and comes back with a dementor whose negative energy quickly cures Salazar and makes Severus go into a fit of depression.) Greypants...(sob)...Greypants...

Q for Dementor: Expecto Patronum!

A: (series of breathy, rasping noises which translate roughly as "dammit!")

Q for Severus: (Series of gurgling noises) HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!! -Salazar

A: Sevvy love Moo-moo. (St. Mungo's medics flood the scene) Time for Teletubby bye-bye!

Q for Salazar: Can we end this episode now? It's quickly becoming insane. -The Author

A: Yes, by all means. CLOSE THE EPISODE! SEVERUS AS A TELETUBBY! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!!