Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape Tell All!

Both: We, that is to say, Salazar Slytherin and Severus Snape, now fully fed up with the misconceptions carried out about us are now endeavoring to right those wrongs. Therefore we have posted a list here of hypothetical questions regarding our personas and pasts.

Salazar: Oh, and by the way, Severus, you should mention something about our respective time periods and how we have managed to coincide.

Severus: Of course, Lord Slytherin. Due to any of the following:

1. A botched time warp

2. A Miss Granger-esque conspiracy with a time turner (I don't care what Potter says, HE AND MISS GRANGER FREED SIRIUS BLACK!)

3. The fact that I attended an early music concert by the Hogwarts Orchestra (of which, unfortunately, the Headmaster is the director despite the fact that he has absolutely no idea how to conduct.)

As I was saying, due to any of the above Salazar Slytherin has managed to come in contact with me here in the future and through access of a muggle invention known as a Com-com-what was it again, Lord Slytherin?

Salazar: Stop calling me Lord Bloody Slytherin, it makes me sound like some kind of predecessor to that prick, Voldemort!

Severus: (muttering) Actually, you were...

Salazar: Shut up! As you mentioned, Severus, we managed to access a muggle invention known as a COMPUTER (I'm from a thousand years ago and I know what they're called!), we have managed to broadcast this correction of the unfortunate misconceptions generally portrayed about us. If, permitting this first episode receives enough good press and Fudge does not send either of us to Azkaban (though it is more likely to be me, considering that I am Voldemort's family), we may open this up as an advice column. We will welcome questions from members of all houses, but would like to add the following disclaimer:

IF YOU ARE A GRYFFINDOR OR HUFFLEPUFF (God forbid) ASK AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Severus: That said, on with correction.

Q for Severus: Was there ever anything between you and Lily Evans?

A: You mean aside from a considerable amount of Hogwarts wall whenever we were asleep, James Potter's incompetent and bigheaded mug and house rivalry? (Salazar interjects: I think they mean a RELATIONSHIP, Severus.) Shut up, Lord...Sally. (I liked Lord Slytherin better) SHUT UP, this is MY QUESTION! But, based on the interjection of that millenium old relic...A relationship between me and.....Salazar, you carry on. (retching sound) ((I think that meant no.)) (sobbing sound and cries of "Oh, Lily! My Lily!") ((Never mind, that's a yes. I'd suggest some brandy, Severus.))

Q for Salazar: Did you hate Muggle-borns?

A: Muggle-born? What is a muggle-born? I am not familiar with this term. Ahh...you mean a mudblood. (Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs immediately begin shouting and shaking their fingers at Salazar) Oh, be quiet you undistinguished pack of freaks! But I'm not answering your question, am I? Did I hate mudbloods? (this time only the Gryffindors shake their fingers) It appears I badgered Helga's house out of fighting, eh? (drumbeat) (Severus interjects: Pathetic.) Oh quiet. Did I hate Mudbloods? (only the actual students in question shake fingers this time) No, I did not hate mudbloods....I LOATHED THEM!!!! You have any idea what muggles did to me? They took away my land, my power, my money! You think that after losses like that I could forgive their descendants? (holds back a sob)

Q for Severus: Are you a Death Eater?

A: It depends on who you ask.

Q for Severus: I LUV U, PROF SNAPE!!! PLEASE DO ME!!!

A: Who sent this? Salazar, did you send this as a joke? (Interjection: As if I would!) Well, let me say this. Firstly, your spelling of love is incorrect so five points from...Gryffindor, yeah, yeah...when in doubt, take from Gryffindor. And if your spelling is any guide to your age then....I'm not a pedophile. Get the fuck away from me.

Q for Salazar: Why did you found that evil, stupid house? Rot in hell. -Ron Weasley

A: A Weasley criticizing ME?! Sorry, kid, but if you had any idea what kind of stuff your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Grandfather used to do to students, you'd jump off a cliff. Oh, and he did it to MALE students too. (looks incredibly smug)

Q for both: Are you gay?

A: (Can't be understood because of all the incoherent shouting, obscenities, curses both unforgivable and otherwise and chanting of NO)

Q for Severus: You're really pathetic to still hold a grudge against Potter. And what kind of a name is Severus anyway?

A: The kind of name you can't possibly understand the signifigance of because your inferior mind never learned Latin, you little troll. And I daresay if I'm pathetic to hold a grudge against Potter, then my desire to put you under a very evil curse is just inhumanly petty. I don't care, though. Crucio! (Interjection: Ow, you hit me! Take off the damn curse!)

Q for Salazar: Was there ever a relationship between you and Rowena Ravenclaw?

A: There was never anything between me and Rowena. Godric's wife and I are another story entirely.

Q for Severus: Have you ever had sex with Potter, Malfoy, Lucius, Lupin, Sirius, James or the person you're writing this column with?

A: If you mean Narcissa Malfoy, no, If you mean Draco Malfoy.....you're sick. You need help. I'd advise talking with a therapist. Did you see your mother naked in the shower? The same thing goes for the rest of your candidates.

Q for Salazar: Did you have a relationship with Godric Gryffindor?

A: Yes, we were friends.

Q for Severus: What is there between you and Hermione Granger?

A: A considerable age difference and the fact that she's an insufferable little bookworm. And no, I don't find her attractive, you sick sex freaks.

Q for Severus: Why do you hate Gryffindors, Professor Snape? (Interjection: I'm rather anxious to know that myself, Severus)

A: To answer BOTH of you, the reason I hate Gryffindors is because they are undisciplined, worthless little maggots with absolutely no talent at anything but making trouble. (Interjection: I see some things never change. You, however, don't have Godric to measure them against, Severus.)

Q for Salazar: Does purity of blood matter?

A: Yes, it does matter. Sorry to all you liberals, but yes it does matter.

Q for Severus: Why do you discourage enthusiastic students?

A: I know who wrote this. Your "enthusiasm" is eclipsing other students not to mention being incessantly annoying, MISS GRANGER. And keeping your hand in the air like that will certainly make you an early candidate for arthritis. Ten points from Gryffindor (and Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw too because I'm angry).

Q for Salazar: Are you related to Harry Potter?

A: I think he's my fourth cousin 42 times removed. No, the fact that he is a parseltongue has nothing to do with me.

Q for Severus: As above.

A: If I were, I'd jump off a cliff.

Q for Salazar: Are you as sexy as Severus?

A: Severus is sexy? I wasn't aware of thi-Ok, ok, I'm sorry! Stop hitting me over the head with a cauldron! Jeez....(Interjection: No, he's not...at all.)

Q for Severus: How big is Professor Lupin's...you know...?

A: I don't know what you mean. Wait, If you mean how big his--Ten points from Gryffindor. That's just disgusting. I don't know. Thank God.

Q for Severus: Why do you look like Michael Jackson?

A: FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

Q for Salazar: Can I have some of those points back?-Professor McGonagall

A: No.