A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Saturday 17^th June
13:30
Under a tree by the lake

Hmm. Still haven't spoken to Michael. I hope he hasn't tricked me into thinking that he's with me and has gone and told Terry that I like him. And he and Terry can have a good laugh.

I know it's not good for me to think in that way. I know I'm not a trusting person and I should be. But come on, it's Michael. He's Terry's best friend. What motive does he have for helping me?

14:15

Speak of the Devil and he shall appear?

Yeah, that's bollocks.

14:45

Louise appeared looking all weird and teary. She always looks upset these days. Dean Thomas has had an extremely negative effect on her. I may have to get her to dump him.

"Hey, Kee," she said, sitting down next to me. "You all alone too?"

"On my own, not alone as such," I said. "I just wanted to catch up on some homework and I couldn't concentrate in the common room. Why are you on your own?"

"I don't know!" said Louise, forlornly. "I'm a good person. I don't deserve to be alone and yet I am."

Oh God, here we go.

"You're not alone, Lou," I said, tiredly.

"I am!"

"You aren't," I said. "What about me? What about us, your friends? What about Dean?"

"Oh, he'd rather spend time with that complete bimbo Lavender Brown and her stupid friend...whatshername...Padma's twin than with me!" she said, her voice rising. I noticed she pulled a fistful of grass out of the ground.

"Lavender Brown's not a bimbo," I pointed out, fairly. "She's actually quite nice. And I'm sure Dean isn't attracted to her at all. They're probably just good friends. They are in the same house."

"Oh yeah, just good friends," snapped Louise. "I suppose Padma and Anthony are just good friends as well, then. And I guess you think Terry and Lisa are just good friends as well, even though the last time I saw them they had their tongues down each other's throats."

I tried not to wince.

"So don't try and pull the 'just good friends' cliché on me!" said Louise, sounding almost hysterical at this point. "For God's sake, I know when someone's bloody attracted to someone else! She's probably not bad in bed like I am. I bet he's going to go off with her and have threesome sex with Padma's sister and they'll all live happily ever after and he'll never look at me again!"

I reached for the chocolate bar that I knew was in my bag. I needed sugar right then, so Louise would have needed it far more. But when I split it in half and offered her some, she waved it away impatiently.

"No," she said. "No thanks. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight."

Why she's trying to lose weight I don't know; she's thin already. Now that I think about it, she's easily the thinnest in our dormitory.

"It's those school jumpers," I said. "They're so baggy they'd make anyone look like the side of a house. And that shirt doesn't really help. Find some more flattering clothes, Lou."

"Oh what do you know about style?" snarled Louise. "Don't try and tell me what to wear; you look like you've stepped out of a 'Before and After' piece! And not the 'After' section, either!"

That was mean. I know Lou's all hormonal and upset, but that was genuinely malicious.

"If you're going to be a cow then leave me alone," I said, resentfully. "I don't like talking to people who are so insecure they try and make me feel bad about myself just so they can get an ego-boost."

"Who are you calling insecure?" spat Louise. "You're the one who gets wound up about every bloody little thing. You're the one who's completely obsessed with Terry Boot and won't open her bloody eyes to anything. You're the one who's only had one proper boyfriend in her entire life, and he didn't even like you!"

"Sod off, ok? Just sod off!" I shouted. "Why do you have to be such a bloody bitch? I did nothing but try to help you and you've thrown it all back in my face. Just piss off and leave me alone! I hope Dean Thomas is bloody cheating on you! I wouldn't blame him if he did! I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you already!"

"You're just jealous," retorted Louise.

"Jealous of what, exactly?"

"Jealous of me and Dean!"

"Jealous?" I scoffed. "Of you and Dean? Jealous of a few dates and a couple of terrible shags with a guy who's obviously only using you to try and get over his ex-girlfriend? Why would I be jealous of that?"

"You are such a COW!" Louise yelled, her voice going practically ultrasonic. However she evidently couldn't come up with a decent comeback so she stomped off, leaving me to shout, "I hope you get bloody pregnant!" after her.

18:20
Common room

Louise is sitting with Lisa and Padma. She occasionally throws me dirty looks. Well I wish Lisa and Padma luck. They'll need it, having to put up with Louise's outbreaks of hormonal bitchiness. I told Yasmin and Mandy about the incident and luckily they think that I was in the right for once. They've advised me to leave Louise alone because talking to her will probably make it worse as we both need some time to cool off a bit. Although as I told them, I wouldn't want to talk to her anyway.

"I wonder if Dean is going off with Lavender Brown, though," said Yasmin, thoughtfully. "Which one is she again?"

"She's the dark blonde one in Gryffindor," said Mandy, Knower of All People and part-time Gossip. "Friends with Parvati Patil. She broke up with Ron Weasley about two months ago. She sits near us in Runes."

"Oh her," said Yasmin. "Oh yeah, I remember her. A bit weird-looking? Kind of like a mouse?"

"No, that's Sally-Anne Perks," said Mandy. "Lavender's hair is lighter and she wears glasses for reading."

"Uh..."

Knowing that that could take a while (names are not Yasmin's strong point) I took a quick look around the room and caught Michael's eye. He nodded at me and gave me a "come here" look. I tried to gesture at Terry and Anthony without them noticing, and consequently looked like I was having a hand spasm.

He rolled his eyes and got up.

"Hey," he said, as he came over to us. "Keira, you're in my Defence Against the Dark Arts class, right?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Could you give me a hand with that homework about the Patronus Charm? Coz I'm getting a bit stuck on it and you mentioned that you'd finished it."

"I've done it," said Mandy, giving him her big-eyed look. She's always had a bit of a thing about Michael. She says his hair is sexy. It is, actually. No, brain, no, we aren't going through all this stuff again. "I'll go and get it, if you like. Saves Keira some time."

"Ah..."

Michael gave me a panicked look.

"It's ok, Mandy," I said, quickly. "Michael said he'd give me a hand with my Arithmancy too, so we're even. Shall we go?" I said, pointedly.

We left quickly. Yasmin and Mandy probably think we're going to be getting off behind the greenhouses or something. Which we definitely won't be. More's the pity. Oh shut up, brain.

"Thought of anyone for The Plan yet?" I asked. (The Plan, I feel, requires capital letters.)

"A few," said Michael. "Just thought I'd run them past you."

"Hit me."

"Ok, first up Stephen."

"Stephen? Stephen Cornfoot?"

"Yep."

"Are you kidding?"

"No...should I be?"

"Yes!"

"Why? Stephen's ok."

"No, he is not. He's weird. And he's obsessed with Mandy. They have scary amounts of sexual tension. He's just weird. Why would Lisa want to go out with him?"

"Because he's good-looking?"

I gave him what I hope was an appropriately scathing look and said, "You don't know what girls like, do you?"

"They like me," said Michael, doing his flirt face.

"Oh sod off," I said, giving him a friendly shove. "Ok, next person."

"Sam Roper."

"He's the tall dark guy in Hufflepuff, isn't he?"

"Yeah. Nice guy. Quite bright, actually. Very good at Transfiguration. I think Lisa would like him. I know they're friends anyway. And he just split up with his girlfriend."

"Eugh, not a good idea," I said. "Rebound. All it will do is ruin their friendship, and you wanted Lisa to be happy."

"True," said Michael. "And our third option."

There was a long silence.

"Third option?" I said, expectantly.

"You're not going to like it," he said, warily.

"Why wouldn't I like it?"

"You just won't," said Michael. "So do you want to know or not?"

"Just tell me," I said. "We don't have to use him."

"...Dean Thomas."

If we had had this conversation yesterday I would have said, "No way, you're out of your mind, he's going out with my best friend. I couldn't do that to her." However, due to earlier events, I was a lot more open to the idea.

"Explain," I said.

Michael was looking a little bit surprised that I hadn't instantly told him no, but he took it well, bless him. "Well, I thought that he's probably the most likely candidate because he and Lisa went to the Yule Ball together," he said.

"Uh...they didn't," I said.

"What? I swear they did."

"No," I said. "Lisa went with George Weasley. I can remember her telling us that he asked her and she was too scared to say no in case he put itching powder in her bed or something. I actually went with Dean Thomas," I added, a bit sheepishly.

"Did you?" said Michael, grinning.

"Well, yeah," I said.

"Didn't know you liked him."

"I didn't really. I mean, I don't not like him; he's a nice guy. But he asked me and I was so happy that someone had asked me that I just said yes without caring who had asked."

"So you would have said yes to anyone?" said Michael, with an evil look on his face.

"Not anyone," I said impatiently. "I wouldn't have said yes to Theodore Nott or Vincent Crabbe or someone like that. Who did you go with?"

"Sarah Fawcett," said Michael, proudly. Stupid of me to forget, really. Sarah is in the seventh year and is extremely pretty. She's also friends with Cho Chang, tops most of her classes and is basically the kind of stereotypical "popular girl" you get in American teen films. Just another demonstration of Michael's incredible pulling-power. "Nice girl. I think I've caused a bit of a rift between her and Cho, though. I'm never going out with two best mates again. Not that Marietta Edgecombe's the ideal choice, mind you. Not since she had that outbreak of spots."

"How did she actually get those?" I asked.

"I've heard rumours," said Michael, grimly. "The one I believe involves Hermione Granger. But that's not the point. The point is that you have taken my main reason for pairing Dean Thomas up with Lisa away from me. If you hadn't said yes to him then he could have asked Lisa and then it would all be cool."

"Apart from the fact that Dean has a girlfriend," I pointed out.

"I thought that if you objected to his having a girlfriend you would have ruled him out by now," he said. "Seeing as Louise just happens to be one of your lesbian mates."

"Lesbian?"

"Yeah. You girls are very lesbian in your little ways."

"I am not a lesbian!"

"Shame."

"Ugh. Boys are weird."

"Yes, and therein lies our true beauty," said Michael. He's an arsehole but he does make me laugh. "Anyway, that's a bit mean of you, trying to get your mate's boyfriend to cheat on her so you can get a guy."

"The situation between Louise and I is less than friendly," I replied, with as much composure as I could.

"Oh," said Michael. "I was wondering. Well, anyway, we have a slight problem in that there is no one that we can try and match-make Lisa with."

We sat there humming and ha-ing for a while, when suddenly Michael said, "What about Su?"

I looked at him.

"I suggested Su and you told me not to be stupid."

"Yeah, but now that I think about it it's a good idea," he said. "I mean, Su's had his heart broken by Elodie. He's really cut up about it; he genuinely liked her. Apparently she was stringing him along no end, telling him that she'd break up with Justin for him and didn't in the end. He was really upset. And he and Lisa are pretty good mates."

"What about Alison?"

"Who?"

"Gryffindor. Redhead. A bit on the quiet side. Su's ex girlfriend. Quite a good friend of Lisa's."

"Oh her. She is fit, can I just say?"

"Michael. That is not the point. What makes you think I'd be interested in whether you think Alison Runcor is fit or not? I'm a girl. And not a lesbian," I said, quickly. "I don't really care."

"Jealous, are ya?" he said. I biffed him on the arm.

"Hardly," I said. "We've been through the jealousy, have we not? I thought we decided that I was jealous of Terry and his girlfriend. I can't be jealous of both of you."

"Of course you can," said Michael. "Promiscuous tart like you."

"!!!!!!"

"Come on, Keira, you've had a flourishing love life recently. You've snogged Terry, you dated Adam Chambers, you kissed Stephen Cornfoot..."

"Who the Hell told you that?"

"Terry," said Michael. "He was all raving about it. You should have heard it. 'I can't believe Keira would just randomly snog Stephen. She doesn't even like him. Why would she kiss someone she doesn't even like? Do you think there's something going on? Have you noticed something? Have you? Have you? Have you?'" He slapped his forehead. "Geez that was a stressful evening. I thought Anthony was going to sock him in the forehead."

I laughed.

"Bless."

"Don't say bless," he said, raising a warning finger at me. "Never say bless. Bless is an evil word made up by girls who want to pity you but instead laugh at your expense. It's not good. Anyway," he said, as I recoiled slightly, "Alison may be a minor problem, but I'm sure I can sort that out, although I may be forced to date her."

"You'll live, I'm sure," I said.

"Yes, so, I think they'd go pretty well, in all fairness," said Michael. "They're both intelligent, she's very attractive, and he's not bad. I guess. If you like that kind of thing."

"Well a few girls seem to."

"You're not one of them, then?"

"Don't make fun of me," I said, pushing him. "You know I'm not. I'm in love with your best mate."

"Whatever, Matthews," said Michael. Why does he call me Matthews? I call him Michael, not Corner. "So, do you think that Su Li and Lisa Turpin will make a nice little couple, or not?"

"I can't think of anyone better," I said, privately thinking that Michael would actually be a good candidate for the job. "Do they know each other very well, though?"

"I think so," said Michael. "And I know Su's had a bit of a rough time. Lisa's been messed around like God knows what. So yeah, I think they'd suit each other quite nicely."

"We're going for crap times as their thing to bond over then, are we?" I said, eyebrows raised.

"What's yours and Terry's thing to bond over, then?" said Michael. "Being obsessive? Driving your friends nuts?"

Now that I think of it, what is our thing to bond over? Something that we can both share and talk about. Something that's happened to both of us that we can think of fondly and grow closer to one another over.

Can't think of anything.

Sunday 18^th June
20:30
Dormitory

Still haven't thought of a thing.

I made the mistake of going for a quick walk at lunch to think things over. I have a certain route which I like to walk. It's a little passageway behind a tapestry of drunk knights. It's all quiet. Anyway, turns out I'm not the only one that knows about this. I pulled it back and heard someone male go, "Oww!" as the tapestry hit the back of his head.

I pulled it back to see a snogging couple.

But not an ordinary snogging couple, you understand.

"Oh, hi Keira!" said Justin, brightly, as both he and Seamus Finnigan treated me to broad smiles. Bloody Hell, two of the most desirable blokes in my year are smiling at me and they're both gay. Just my luck. "Long time no speak. How've you been lately?"

"Oh, fine," I lied, and then before I could stop myself, added, "I've only had an insane crush on someone who turned out that to be gay and then realised that I'm in love with a guy who just got himself a girlfriend and am now having to seek help from his best friend."

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Justin gave me a look.

"Who's the first guy?" he asked.

Seamus butted in at this point. God his accent is sexy. "Bloody Hell, Jus, you take a while to catch on, don't you? It was pretty obvious that it was you." He gave me a slightly apologetic look. "I noticed in Hogsmeade. If you don't mind me saying, it was kinda obvious to me."

"Well it wasn't to me!" said Justin, indignantly. "Why didn't you tell me, Keira?"

"What would have happened if I had told you?" I said, sceptically. "I would have lost you as a friend because you would have turned me down and it would have been awkward."

"True," said Justin. "Well, by the sound of it you're pretty much over it so it's all good. Still," he said, preening a little. "Did you really fancy me?"

"Yes," I said. Well, there was no point in hiding it any more. "A lot."

"I actually never guessed," said Justin.

"I did," said Seamus.

"Shut up, Shay, you know everything about everyone," said Justin. "You realised I was gay the second you saw me."

"I can tell. I knew Miles Bletchley was, too. And Sally-Anne Perks," said Seamus, proudly.

I gaped.

"Sally-Anne's a lesbian?"

"Oh yeah," said Seamus. "Don't tell anyone, mind; I don't know how many people she's told. She and M...some girl in the seventh have been meeting in secret for ages. She always talks to me about it. I think I'm persuading her to come out but she's being very stubborn. She thinks her parents would kill her. Sad, I know, but apparently they're really old fashioned."

"Well we can't all admit it from birth like you, Shay, can we?" said Justin, playfully. "Anyway, enough about being gay. You seem to have a slight problem vis-à-vis the new guy in your life, Keira."

"Yes," I said. Well, there was no holding it back now. "He used to really fancy me but now he has a girlfriend and according to his friend he still likes me but I'm trying to split them up and...well, it's not going so fast."

"Uh...isn't it a bit mean trying to split this guy up from his girlfriend?" asked Seamus. "I mean, if you really love him then wouldn't you want him to be happy?"

This is true.

However, as we have already realised, I am not a good person.

I said this to him.

"This is Terry Boot, right?" said Justin. "Just a guess, but I see you two together a lot and he seems to really like you."

"He used to before Lisa got in on the act," I said, crossly. "Now I'm stuck."

"Well by the sound of it you and some guy have a plan, so why's that too much of a problem?" said Justin, happily.

"Yes, well, I don't know if it's going to work," I said, grumpily. "We're trying to set Lisa up with someone else but so far it's not really working very well. Mainly because we can't agree on who to set her up with."

"I know Dean would comply," muttered Seamus. "He has some clingy possessive girlfriend who he can't stand the sight of. He's planning on dumping her this week. What's her name...? Louise."

Shit.

Things that I really should do because they would make me a much better person but I know that I will never ever do them

1) Get over Terry and let him be happy with Lisa.
2) Write to mum and tell her that I think that she was being totally unfair in the way that she informed me of hers and dads divorce and also assertively tell her that I resent the way she's treated me inferiorly to Leila throughout my life.
3) Tell Elodie that I can't stand her and that I am by no means her friend.
4) Stop being attracted to every relatively ok-looking boy I see and find myself a nice, steady boyfriend.
5) Actually start doing my homework.
6) Kindly let down Kevin and tell him that I like him a lot but nothing is ever going to happen and casually suggest that he get over me and takes interest in a different girl.
7) Confront Mandy about Stephen, tell her to pull herself together and just admit her feelings for him.
8) Confront Stephen about Mandy, tell him to pull himself together and just admit his feelings for her.
9) Stop breaking into Mandy's diary in the night for the sheer entertainment value of reading the flat accounts of her tedious, tedious life.
10) Make up with Louise and warn her that her boyfriend is planning to dump her and persuade her to dump him first, thus saving her ego, even if she was harsh and bitchy to me.