A Dork's Diary: Memoirs of Keira Matthews

Thursday 15^th June
10:15
Ancient Runes

I cannot believe I did not realise this before. Why couldn't I have figured out that I like Terry when he liked me too? Why? Would that have been too much to ask after my lousy life? No, it would not be too much to ask for. But apparently I do not deserve compensation and maybe a little bit of good luck. No. I deserve to fancy a guy who turns out to be gay and then suddenly realise that I actually love this other guy who up until about a week ago liked me too. Then he found himself a stupid blonde girlfriend and doesn't fancy me any more.

And then I discover that I, in fact, love him.

Bugger.

Buggering bollocking bollocks.

This is just horrible, this really is. I was so much better off before I liked Terry. I could talk to him, no sweat. I was fine. But now? I'm staring at him and then going bright red if he looks at me. I can't talk to him any more. If I see him with stupid Lisa then I end up going all moody and snappy and I can't concentrate and I end up being all mean to people who don't deserve it.

Suddenly had a horrible realisation: I'm acting exactly how Anthony and Michael described how Terry was acting back when he actually liked me. Oh my god, I'm the lovelorn grouch.

Oh nooooooooo.

12:05
Arithmancy

I need to speak to someone normal about this. Here are my options.

Yasmin: Yasmin and I share nearly everything. (Officially.) She is very clever and a good observer of people in general. She will be able to offer me practical advice about what to do. On the other hand, she is completely unsympathetic and is likely to gloat about my blindness and sudden going back on my word vis-à-vis not liking Terry. She will also go on and on about how he is Lisa's boyfriend now and how Lisa deserves him more than me and how I had my chance and blew it. Also she will ask what else I haven't been telling her.

Louise: Louise would be ideal for this situation if it wasn't for Dean sodding Thomas. She's so hooked on him lately I doubt she'd notice if I announced that I had eloped with Professor Firenze and was carrying his half-centaur babies. I think I should be the one giving her advice, to be honest, she's handling this whole thing terribly.

Mandy: No chance. Like a cross between Yasmin and Louise. All the gloating and lack of sympathy of Yasmin and none of the intelligence, while none of Louise's sympathy and all of the lack of concentration. No thanks.

Justin: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Padma: No chance. She's got a reputation for dating prats and could probably give me no decent advice if I did ask her, which I don't intend to do anyway because she is Lisa's friend and she will tell Lisa that I fancy her boyfriend. And then Lisa would either kill me or tell Terry. Or maybe she would tell Terry and then kill me.

Michael: He would tell Terry. Although I might be able to get a good answer out of him because he knows Terry and knows what kind of girls Terry likes. But then he would gloat.

Anthony: Ditto.

Hannah: I don't know her well enough, although she'd probably be really sympathetic because she is just that kind of person. I don't know if she's got any experience of boys, though, so maybe she wouldn't be good at the whole advice thing.

Kevin: Fat chance.

Stephen: He is creepy and strange and stalking Mandy. No. Just no. Don't know why I thought of him, anyway. He wouldn't listen even if I did go to him. And Mandy would kill me if I spoke to him because she and he still have their unresolved sexual tensions. Sorry, mutual hostility that has no underlying romantic feelings whatsoever. (Cough.)

Elodie: I barely talk to her anyway, nowadays. I get the feeling that she heard the rumours about me and Justin (that turned out to be false, but what the Hell) and now hates me. I'm expecting to be murdered in my bed any day now.

Morag: Doesn't listen to me much. She'd probably tell me to pull myself together and concentrate on more important things than boys. She doesn't care about boys.

Lisa: Oh yeah, that would be a jolly conversation. "Hey, Lisa, your boyfriend had a massive thing about me until a while ago and now I think I'm in love with him. Do break it off so I can ask him out, will you?"

So that's basically everyone who I know well enough to talk to. So basically if I want to talk to anyone I'm going to have to endure a lot of gloating and/or a risk of Terry being told. Hurrah.

Well, there is a simple cure for this. I must not talk to Terry.

14:05
Herbology

Well that lasted for about ten seconds. I forgot that we're still doing stupid project work in Herbology and I just happen to be in a group with Terry. Oh Hell, why does he have to be so bloody good-looking?

"You alright, Matthews?" he said, cheerfully as we went in. My heart-rate doubled, but I managed to keep my cool. Surprising, really. Probably because I've known Terry really well for so long that I don't go into a stupor with him like I did with everyone else I've ever fancied. Or maybe it's just because I like him more than I liked Justin, so I feel more comfortable.

"I'm fine," I lied. "What about you?"

"I'm cool," he said. "Not looking forward to spending time in the presence of our good friend Nott, but the pleasure of your company will get me through until Potions." He winked at me. I nearly had a fit at this point.

However, instead of having a fit and/or throwing myself upon him and begging him to ravish me senseless (eh...maybe not) I just raised my eyebrows in what I hope was an amused way and said, "What are you so cheerful about today? Usually it's 'Keep out of my way, Matthews, you bitch, I hate you and I'm going to make you suffer for me being in a bad mood by shouting at you until you are in just as bad a mood as me.'"

"I'm just feeling happy today," he said, grinning all over his face. My heart sank. I knew what he was going to say before he said it. "I was with Lisa earlier and we had a real laugh."

"Mmmm," I said, the euphoria of being in his presence being torn into pieces by Lisa and the fact that she obviously makes him very happy. "Sounds like fun. She's funny."

"Yeah," said Terry. "You always need someone funny. So, by the way, how's it going with the ongoing search for a boyfriend? Any luck?"

"I'm not after a boyfriend," I said, serenely. "I don't need to validate my existence through the existence of somebody else. And as the guy I like is not available, I am currently single. And I'm fine."

Terry raised an eyebrow.

"Since when have you been a feminist, Keira?" he said, sounding quite amused.

"Since always!" I said, hoping I sounded hurt and offended.

Terry laughed.

"Whatever you say," he said. "Well, if you change your mind I know that Kevin still thinks you're the crème de la crème and I think he'd probably willingly sign up to be your lifelong slave."

"Kevin?" I said, nose wrinkling. "Do you really think that's the best I can do?"

"Do you not like Kevin, then?" asked Terry as we all piled into the greenhouse.

"Well, not dislike him, but he's...kinda weird," I said, lamely.

"Who's weird?" said Hannah, dumping her stuff on the desk and joining us.

"Jeremy Beadle," I said, without thinking. I don't know what inspired me to say it; it was just the first name that came into my head. Terry gave me a startled look and Hannah laughed.

"He is, isn't he?" she said. "My mum's his biggest fan. We can't understand it. We all hope that one day someone's going to lose it and club him to death with his own microphone. But down to business, eh?"

14:43

I hate working with Terry but in some ways I really enjoy it. It means I get to spend time with him. Problem is, every time my hand brushes his or he looks directly into my eyes I can feel myself blushing and have to have a violent coughing fit to disguise it. And he keeps making throw-away remarks about Lisa, like when I said that the leaves on the Flutterby bush were a really nice golden colour he goes, "Yeah, they are, aren't they? They kind of remind me of Lisa's hair."

Stupid sodding Lisa. I hope she gets killed in a freak broomstick accident. How dare she go out with Terry Boot and get him to not fancy me any more? How dare she?

Argh. I hate her.

I know I shouldn't hate her because she is a lovely person and she's been nothing but sweet to me. And all she did was like a guy and go out with him. Not a big deal.

But I still hate her. I hate her.

I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Common room
17:15

Was sitting happily planning ways of getting Terry to realise that Lisa is in fact a stupid bimbo with a really annoying laugh and that I am much more suited to him when Elodie marched up to me.

"Hi-ii!" she said, looking hideously happy. Maybe she heard that I'd been rejected by Justin and had decided that I was worth her speaking to again. "How are you, KeeKee? Listen," she went on, not even pausing for breath for me to reply, "This massive great barn owl just dropped a letter on my bed. I didn't see your name on the envelope until after I'd opened it, but don't worry too much, I didn't read very much of it. I think it's from your mother. So glad we've got that sorted out! Byeee!"

At this point she dropped the letter into my lap and pranced off. She moves like a sodding ballerina, I swear. How does she manage to stay so odiously chipper all the time?

I looked down at the letter. It was indeed from my mum. Good old mum, she thinks that if she writes about twice a year she's doing her duty as a parent. I actually get more letters from Leila than I do from mum. Which is depressing, I can tell you. But she's absolutely terrified of birds so I suppose I can let her off. (A bit.)

I had to read it twice to make sure that I had read it right.

My dear Keira,
I hope this letter finds you well. Leila allowed me to borrow her owl to send it to you because, as you know, we don't have one. It took me a long time to get Leila's letter off of its leg. I'm severely scratched.
Sadly I am not writing to you with good news, quite bad news in fact.
Your father and I have decided that it's time we parted ways. Don't blame yourself, Keira, it's nothing to do with you or Leila. We just had one too many rows and realised that actually we aren't in love any more. We've already separated and the divorce is being settled. It should be a relatively friendly affair as there is unlikely to be a custody battle seeing as you are at boarding school and you only have another year until you're eighteen. Please tell us who you'd like to stay with over the holidays so we can arrange to work around that.
I'm sorry I had to tell you this way, Keira, but they don't have any blasted phones in that school of yours so I really had no option.
Please don't blame yourself. It is by no means your fault.
Reply ASAP.
Your thoughtful and considerate
Mum
xxxxxxx

Oh fantastic. Just what I bloody well need right now. Not only am I doomed to remain in unrequited love for the rest of eternity, but now my parents are getting divorced.

They say that when one area of your life starts to go right, another area comes crashing down around your ears. Well, that's bollocks. When one area of my life comes crashing down around my ears, the rest of it all follows suit. Falling for Terry followed by my parents deciding, out of the blue, to split up. Next week I can guarantee Louise is going to get pregnant, Yasmin and Mandy are going to decide they hate me and I'm going to get nothing but Ds for the rest of the school year and fail all my NEWTs.

I guess going to boarding school cuts you out of your home life, but when I was at home over the holidays there didn't seem to be any problems with my parents. Maybe they were just putting on a brave face so I didn't get upset, or maybe this has all happened since after Christmas. I haven't seen them since December, after all; I couldn't go home for Easter. Or maybe it turns out one of my parents has run off with someone else and my mum doesn't want to tell me because she thinks it might ruin our relationship or something. (I could actually understand if it was that. I know I'll be bloody pissed off if one of them has gone off with someone.)

Oh shit, I'm crying.

17:45

I actually properly love Yasmin right now.

Ok, not proper want-to-spend-my-life-with-and-carry-their-babies love. But I absolutely love her, in a strictly friends only way with no funny business involved whatsoever.

She saw me sitting here desperately trying to hide the fact that I was crying and headed straight over, even though she seemed to be having quite an interesting conversation with Kevin. (Hmmm.)

"Kee, what's up?" she said, looking concerned. I couldn't help but notice that she was wearing contacts instead of glasses today. Which is a bit odd, seeing as she says that contact lenses are too much of a hassle and she puts convenience over appearance every time. "And don't say nothing, because it's obviously not nothing. If you don't want to tell me, just say it out; don't lie about there being nothing."

I actually managed to understand her, but I wouldn't have said nothing anyway. I shoved my letter at her. She scanned it, read the Paragraph of Doom twice, bit her lip and handed it back to me.

"I really don't know how to react to that," she said. "I'm so sorry, Kee."

"It's ok," I sniffed. "I don't know how to react to it either."

"But...I feel so sorry for you!" said Yasmin, earnestly, slipping into my chair next to me and putting her arm around me. "To be told that just out of the blue, and in such a short, informal letter! I mean, this is hardly breaking the news gently. This is just tactless. If my parents did this to me, I'd be crying too, Kee."

"I hate them," I said, instantly making myself go from of-age witch to snivelling three-year-old.

"No you don't," said Yasmin, gently, giving me a hug. I realised that this was probably the first hug I've had from her in ages, and probably the first hug I've had in ages that hasn't been from a boy. "You know you don't. You're just angry and upset, and you have a right to be. If this was me, I'd be furious. But you'll get over it, Kee, you're strong. I'm not going to pretend this'll all be fine, because it probably won't, but it won't affect you as much as you think it will. You're seventeen. You'll be leaving home next year and getting a job. So you won't have to put up with it for long."

"I guess you're right," I said. "But...I never thought they'd get divorced. I never saw this coming."

"Does anyone ever?" said Yasmin. "Sometimes the most unlikely couples split up. And you haven't seen them since Christmas, and that was only for two weeks. You can't get the measure of someone's marital status from that."

"They're my sodding parents!" I said. "I should bloody well be able to tell if they hate each other or love each other!"

"That's rubbish," said Yasmin. "You're not expected to be able to tell, and most people can't tell anyway. You don't know the ins-and-outs anyway."

She gave me another hug. She's such a lovely person. I sometimes forget why I'm friends with her, but right now she is my favourite person in the world.

I almost went the whole way and told her about the whole Terry fandango.

Almost.

I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. Because I know what she'd say. She wasn't going to tell me to go for Terry just because my parents had just got divorced. She'd just say it more gently. And then when I've got over this she'll just be snarky and I-told-you-so and self-righteous and basically...

Basically she will be Yasmin.

And I could never stand that.

Friday 16^th June
16:30
Library

Bugger, I have a Care of Magical Creatures project. Again. Right now I want to stick a bayonet through Professor Hagrid's forehead.

Not that I don't enjoy his lessons, because I do. It's just that I like the subject, not necessarily him. Actually no, that's not true. He himself is nice. You can't help but like him. But as a teacher he's a bit crap. I get the feeling that if he could control us properly he'd be a lot better though. When we had that Grubbly-Plank woman I learnt a lot more. I wish she'd stayed.

We're doing Fwoopers at the moment. I'm a bit worried he'll do what he did with the Crups and assign us them as pets for a month. I don't like Fwoopers. I'm not over-keen on birds in general, to be honest, but Fwoopers are menacing-looking. The one I was feeding today looked like a pink vulture. I can tell it didn't like me. I read somewhere that Fwooper song can drive people insane. I think it was in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Something about Uric the Oddball sitting in a room full of them. Although Yasmin doesn't like people mentioning him very much as it turns out her mother is directly in his descendant line.

Gah. Michael has decided to turn up. I'll never get any work done now.

"Wotcher, Matthews," he said, breezily. To my horror he pulled out the seat opposite me and sat down. "What're you doing?"

"Homework," I said, holding up my very short essay in front of his face. My handwriting is pathetically large and my essay is pathetically short. It's depressing.

"You look like you've been working hard," he said, with a raised eyebrow. (How come everyone can do that except me?)

"I've been here for about ten minutes," I pointed out. "I had to go and get my books. And I haven't got into it properly yet anyway."

"So glad I dropped Care of Magical Creatures," said, Michael, sitting back and giving me an infuriating smile. "Far too much hassle. And the wind this time of year really messes my hair up. And yours, by the look of it."

"Gee, thanks."

"Pleasure. Try getting it cut a bit shorter. And layer it; it would really flatter your face more. Think Courtney Cox crossed with Posh Spice. You know who that is, right?"

"Yeah, although I'm a tad worried that you also know who that is, considering she's in a band for ten-year-old girls."

"Sometimes I get a bit irritated talking to people who have no clue about the Muggle world," said Michael, tactfully avoiding the ten-year-old girls bit. "My mum is getting worried that I'll forget all about the Muggle world."

"My parents don't care," I said. "They're too busy being proud of my sister and getting divorced."

"I didn't know your parents were divorced."

"They're not," I said, bitterly. "They're going to be, though. I got a letter yesterday."

"Ouch," said Michael. "Sorry."

"Not your fault. So did you just come here to talk about my haircut and my parents' marital status, or did you want something else?"

"Not particularly," he said. "I actually came in here looking for Anthony, who's buggered off somewhere. You seen him?"

"Sorry. Try anywhere that Padma might be."

"Padma...? Oh, I remember, he has a Prefect thing!" said Michael, slapping his forehead. "Bugger. Well, looks like it's you and me, Matthews."

"Why can't you go and find Terry?" I asked, irritably. "I really need to get this done; I can tell Snape is going to set a ton of Defence Against the Dark Arts next week. He's been hinting at it for ages."

"What, and play gooseberry of the year with him and Lisa?" said Michael, wrinkling his nose. "No thanks."

"Oh," I said. I hate Lisa. I added, nonchalantly, "So he's really into her, then?"

Michael gave me a Look.

"If you're getting competitive, Matthews," he said, and I had to work really hard to stop myself from going red, "then I'll happily aid you in your quest to out Lisa and replace her as Terry's girlfriend."

"I'm not getting competitive!" I lied.

I'm evidently a bad liar, because I could tell Michael was finding it really hard not to laugh. "Well then I think, to respect Terry's privacy, I shouldn't tell you. Especially as it has to meaning to you anyway, as you don't care."

He wants me to cave. He wants me to tell him that I like Terry.

I will never tell him.

17:15

Ok, I told him.

But I made him swear that he won't tell Terry. If he does he has to do all my homework for the rest of the year. Including all the subjects that I have taken and he hasn't.

Actually, to be fair to the guy, he has said he will help me. Although he said that he wasn't going to be mean to Lisa.

"I like her," he said. "She's nice. She deserves to be happy, so we're not going to spread rumours about her or do anything like that. I think we need to spur Lisa into dumping Terry and not the other way around. Because I know for a fact that Terry still likes you, so once Lisa has ditched him then he'll almost definitely say yes if you ask him out, ok?"

"Uh...ok," I said. "How do you know?"

"Keira, he's nuts about you," said Michael impatiently. "I'm pretty sure that he's going out with Lisa to try and get over you. I think he thinks that if he spends enough time with her then he'll learn to like her and forget about you. Not that that's going to happen; that kind of thing never works. But trust me; he still likes you just as much as he used to."

Ooh, how bloody annoying. That means the only thing that's stopping us from being together is stupid bloody Lisa. But Michael's right, I know he's right. As much as I hate her, I know she deserves to be happy.

"My suggestion is trying to play matchmaker," said Michael. "We find Lisa someone else. Shouldn't be hard; she's an attractive girl."

"Don't remind me," I said, moodily. "I know that any sane guy would prefer her to me."

"Oh shut up," said Michael. "Terry likes you, is that not enough? Would you honestly like to have loads of guys wanting to get into your knickers?"

"Well, not wanting to get into my knickers," I said, blushing foolishly as I do when someone mentions sex. It's quite bad, really, but I can't help it. "Just...maybe...thinking I'm attractive?"

"Keira, when boys find you attractive they want to get into your knickers," said Michael, bluntly. "It's part of the deal. Occasionally you get the odd guy who doesn't just want sex, like how Terry feels about you. I'm not saying he doesn't want it," he said, giving me a warning look. "But that's not all he wants. And he won't pressure you, I know him. Believe it or not, he is actually a nice guy. There are some out there."

"Ummm..."

"Great, so we're all good. I'll talk with you tomorrow about potential people to match Lisa up with. You ok with that?"

"Yeah, alright."

"Great. See you around; I have to go."

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Bye."

And he just left.

Just like that.

Still, I do like him. He's a proper boy friend who I can talk to properly without having to worry about what I look like or whether I'm saying something ridiculous.

And I only find him a little bit attractive.

Potential Candidates for Lisa to Date

1) Michael They would be very cute together, what with him being very good-looking and her being so pretty. But he's in on the plan so it might not work so well.
2) Anthony Although he fancies Padma so I doubt that would happen.
3) Adam He's the sort she usually goes for. He ticks all the boxes: fantastically good-looking, on the Quidditch team, tall, popular, and a complete bastard to boot. Lisa always dates that kind of guy.
4) Kevin Entwhistle It would be like in films when the gorgeous It girl dates the geeky loner boy, boosting his reputation and undergoing a necessary self-realisation in the process.
5) Wayne Hopkins He's definitely tall enough for her and they were Potions partners in the second year.
6) Su Li I don't think he's had a girlfriend who isn't blonde, and Lisa is as blonde as it gets.
7) Jonathan Bradley Every Quidditch Captain needs a beautiful girlfriend. It's just kosher.
8) Ron Weasley I swear I saw her eyeing him up in Defence Against the Dark Arts the other day.
9) Draco Malfoy Their children would be spectacularly blonde. But then if she doesn't like Blaise Zabini (which I know she doesn't) the chances of her liking Draco Malfoy are slim.
10) Harry Potter Well, you never know. He might break up with Ginny Weasley. I can just picture Lisa loving being a famous person's girlfriend. Not that she's a gold-digger or anything. (To my knowledge.)

I think we'll leave the candidate-picking side of this to me, Matthews.

Piss off, Michael.